On Monday you may or may not have read reporting on Travis Turner, head football coach at Union High School in Wise County, Virginia, who disappeared while the team’s entering the first round of playoffs following an undefeated regular season, maybe even making a serious run for the state championship. It’s making national news, a tragic and mysterious disappearance for the 46 year-old gridiron general at a terrible time, true crime TikTokers jumping in with their theories that maybe a psycho dad from a rival team or whoever bumped Turner off or kidnapped him, so on and so forth.
Well now it’s Tuesday and Turner’s still missing buuuuuuut CBS 19 reports he’s also wanted on five counts of possession of child pornography and five counts of using a computer to solicit a minor.
That’s why Turner’s “missing.” He doesn’t want to get arrested and then tried, convicted, and sentenced to decades in prison for being a pedophile and a stupid one who lets himself get caught.
Or he crawled into a large abandoned coal mine deep in the woods and shot himself in the head, preferring that raccoons consume his flesh to the living death of imprisonment. GO UNION HS!