Indescribably incompetent FBI Director K$H Patel on Tuesday updated the American people as untold millions awaited breathlessly for something, anything on the whereabouts of abducted 84 year-old Arizona woman Nancy Guthrie, mother of some longtime network morning show host Samanth- sorry, Savannah Guthrie, with K$H posting “Over the last eight days, the FBI and Pima County Sheriff’s Department have been working closely with our private sector partners to continue to recover any images or video footage from Nancy Guthrie’s home that may have been lost, corrupted, or inaccessible due to a variety of factors – including the removal of recording devices.”

“The video was recovered from residual data located in backend systems,” K$H said, nine days after Nancy was kidnapped from her home. God knows how many fucking hours have been spent on this by the director of the agency formed to take down infamously violent bank robbers, powerful mafia syndicates, Nazi saboteurs, and Soviet fifth columnists. All sincere prayers and best wishes to the Guthrie family with the possible exception of some shithead nephew or cousin trying to shake down a highly-paid TV host for what CNN reports is a $6 million ransom demand. Who knows who it was but just the headline basics of the story point to a knowledgeable inside job. In any case they he/they have something seriously fucking wrong with them to be holding an old lady hostage.

Not as wrong but still disquieting is the frenzy around this, with or without K$H introducing his boyish amateurism to previously unfamiliar demos. That goddamned Nancy Grace came out of semi-retirement says it all about how much bandwidth – that could be shared with so many more innocent souls also abducted by violent, masked men – is just going to one medium-profile victim.

Again, the media can and should cover the story and it is also important to remember that in no way did Nancy Guthrie ask for this – she would surely much rather be safe at home. It’s just maybe dial it the down, a lot – and K$H definitely resign to go spend more time in Nashville, you useless twat.

Oh and worth noting that this Trump 2020 campaign ad told women Nancy Guthrie’s age pretty much EXACTLY this was going to happen to them if Joe Biden was elected president.

So in a way this is a broken Trump campaign pledge…