There’s been a lot of chatter lately about how Conservative intellectuals’ (and pseudo-intellectuals’) contempt for America the way it is now is kind of turning into contempt for America altogether. From Tucker Carlson’s smash hit weeklong stand in autocrat Viktor Orban’s Hungary, to American Greatness dickweed Chris Roach’s recent column gushing over the 20th century fascism-lite Salazar regime in Portugal, to all sorts of other evidence hyperbole like “MAGA Reich” isn’t so hyperbolic anymore, it’s clear these dudes are starting to warm up to the idea that Democracy is incompatible with a secure White Christian hegemony over American politics and culture.
And we totally understand. Losing is hard. Like a kid who throws his Xbox controller at the dog just because he got pwned in Fortnite by some 27 year old incel who plays 15 hours a day or a crowd of angry “patriots” who savagely beat and even maim dozens of cops in a desperate attempt to stop an election from being certified, there’s a human tendency to act out in response to defeat and want to change the system. Every day since November 2020 and January 2021 these guys have been hurting emotionally over the loss of a GOP White House and Senate, and admitting they’d be happier in an autocracy is their way of coping. If that conclusion is wrong, then we welcome anyone to us what they think we’re supposed to take away a sentence like “To survive, we need to be committed to acquiring and using power in the service of a counterrevolution.”
At this point it’s more than safe to say fanboys like Kurt Schlichter, Michael Anton, Sohrab Ahmari, and their ilk aren’t being merely provocative anymore with this “fascism is cool man” talk.
You know what’s even cooler though? Xenomorphs.
A race of eusocial parasitoid killing machines from deep space is so much fucking cooler than the daydreams of edgelord man-boys fondling themselves through the fly of their MAGA pajama bottoms. Flight 93 Election? Please. Try the LV-426 election, bro. Your fantasies of total Christianist domination over American politics and culture’s got nothing on the infinity times more badass fictional Weyland-Yutani corporation’s ruthless and violently destructive quest to capture a living Xenomorph specimen for use in the company’s nefarious bioweapons division.
“There would be more voters if we made it easier to vote, and there would be more doctors if we didn’t require a license to practice medicine. The fact that we believe unqualified doctors to be a public menace but act as though unqualified voters were just stars in the splendid constellation of democracy indicates how little real esteem we actually have for the vote, in spite of our public pieties” and I’m so a-scared of the consequences of unchecked majoritarian governance because I can’t admit to myself that the policies I support aren’t popular.
Pfffft… You people voting is scary? Try this:
That’s 450 lbs of pure death crashing through the window of a hapless Coloradan. He had no chance. You think Sebastian Gorka would put up a fight against that fucking thing? Sure, maybe he could bore a Xenomorph to death with a 20 minute monologue on how Critical Race Theory threatens the very foundations of American public school education. More likely is that Gorka’s face would be ripped off within three seconds of going toe-to-toe with a Xeno.
The bottom line is that, in terms of sheer badassery, there’s just no contest between the policy designs of proto-authoritarians with a thin veneer of intellectual esteem and the Xenomorphs. Dinesh D’Souza and his buddies should just give up now. Game over man, game over.