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Not particularly bright House Oversight Committee Chairman James Comer is concerned the ChiCom spy balloon could be carrying Chinese bioweapons, but doesn’t get into explaining how a balloon floating at an altitude of 100,000 feet would disperse a deadly pathogen. We’re not saying it’s impossible, we would just like to hear Comer take the time to walk through it with his apparently deep experience on the design and capabilities of aerial bioweapons delivery platforms.

The New York County Clerk on Friday confirmed to the Daily Beast that the two checks written to pay the $1.6 million total fine the Trump Organization and the Trump Payroll Corporation were sentenced to pay after being found guilty on nine counts of tax fraud in December did not bounce.

The man suspected in a string of disappearances and murders of animals at the Dallas Zoo – including the theft of two emperor tamarin monkeys – was arrested Thursday at an aquarium, probably while planning some sort of perverted fish heist, the Associated Press reports.

Davion Irvin, 24, was charged with six counts of animal cruelty. Cops nailed Irvin after an employee at the Dallas Aquarium saw the weirdo acting suspiciously near an exhibit. The two monkeys were found and returned to the Dallas Zoo, as was the leopard who escaped through a hole cut in the fence. Irvin has only been connected to the monkey-napping thus far, though more charges are likely pending, particularly in the escape of a leopard and the death of an endangered vulture.

Biden Administration officials tell Bloomberg they’ve decided to postpone next week’s planned Secretary of State Tony Blinken meeting with dictator Xi Jingping after the military announced Thursday it had detected a ChiCom spy balloon, currently floating over Montana.

The ChiComs on Friday apologized and claimed it was a civilian weather research balloon that merely blew off course in an apparent rush to not derail Blinken’s meeting with Xi in Beijing.

Surprising they didn’t just go with “Well, it seems like the new House GOP majority and polling numbers for Ron DeSantis probably gave employers more confidence to add to payrolls” or something like that. Then again it was a short clip. They might’ve spun it toward politics later on.

During last weekend’s Arizona Republican Party meeting, a member spoke and said merely passing censure resolutions against people like the late Senator John McCain, his wife, Cindy, former Governor Doug Ducey, and others was insufficient for the times the party finds itself in, saying “We should duct tape people to a tree in a dog park, so the dogs can pee on them. And then, when they’re there for a few hours and they have to crap in their pants, they can wallow in their own shit,” according to a long read in Politico about the state GOP’s suicidal obsession with election denial.

One day after the unofficial ADP jobs report indicated hiring was slowing after its January jobs report reflecting just 106,000 jobs created in January, the federal Bureau of Labor Statistics released the official jobs report showing an astonishing 517,000 new jobs created in January and pushing the US unemployment rate down to a new all-time low of 3.4%.

The nearly 400% additional jobs created in the will undoubtedly cause havoc in the markets given early reports from prognosticators consistently put the level at under 200,000, one of various factors that led to a 1% drop in the Dow average after the opening bell on Wednesday.

Job growth was steady across the board, with a 0.3% monthly increase in wages, which have risen 4.4% in the last year. The two previous monthly reports were also revised upward by 70,000 jobs.

Can’t be the actual military he thinks will respond to this order. He doesn’t command them anymore since he lost reelection in 2020 to the current President, Joe Biden. Must be one of the paramilitary groups he leads. Do the Patriot Front have anti-air missiles that can shoot the fucker down?

At least it’s more straightforward than Trump’s new Ukraine peace plan, which is apparently so spectacular and clever that it can’t be revealed unless he’s reelected in 2024. “Frankly, I don’t think Putin wanted to do it. I think he was sort of forced in by the statements being made by Biden. It can be negotiated within 24 hours. You have to get them both in a room. And there are things you can say to them, which I won’t reveal now, which will guarantee that this war will end immediately,” the Orange God Emperor told Right Side Broadcasting Network in an interview on Thursday.

Newly uncovered audio of Wisconsin Trump 2020 campaign chair Andrew Iverson and other Republicans two days after the disgraced former President’s defeat in the state reveals the assholes acknowledging the loss but still “on standby if there’s any stunts we need to pull,” the AP reports.

“Here’s the deal: Comms is going to continue to fan the flame and get the word out about Democrats trying to steal this election. We’ll do whatever they need. Just be on standby if there’s any stunts we need to pull,” Iverson, now the the RNC’s Midwest regional director, said in the recording. “At the end of the day, this operation received more votes than any other Republican in Wisconsin history. Say what you want, our operation turned out Republican or DJT supporters. Democrats have got 20,000 more than us, out of Dane County and other shenanigans in Milwaukee, Green Bay and Dane. There’s a lot that people can learn from this campaign.”

Iverson said he was impressed with how well Democrats had done with turning out Black voters in the state. “We ever talk to Black people before? I don’t think so,” he said to laughter. The audio contains no allegations of fraud or insistence that Trump “won” the state, as it was recorded on during that brief liminal window in the immediate aftermath of the election in which Republicans had been hoping for Donald to simply concede, before they spent the next nine weeks getting (mostly willingly) sucked into an apocalyptic and futile quest to overturn the loss.

President Biden took out a $250,000 line of credit on his home in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware in early December “amid Hunter probe, classified docs scandal,” Fox News was sure to note in the headline of their report on public records they found detailing the president’s financial transaction.

There’s no publicly known connection to the “Hunter probe, classified docs scandal,” it’s just that the loan comes “amid” those ongoing stories that apparently justifies their inclusion in the headline and lede. That a media company which derives a not-insignificant portion of its revenue from advertising for “reverse mortgages” to think a senior citizen collateralizing a property for cash is… well it’s certainly peak Fox News, even before we get to their lack of interest in another president’s much more interesting financial records. We could go on for quite a while about that.

On Thursday the titular Speaker of The House Kevin McCarthy told reporters that Capitol cop Michael Byrd “did his job” when he shot the QAnon maniac Babbitt dead on January 6th, 2021.

ChiCom foreign ministry spokesworm Mao Ning told reporters Friday the regime is “looking into” reports of a giant spy balloon currently floating over the mainland United States, and that they “no intention of violating the territory and airspace of any sovereign country,” the AP reports.

With the shortest month of the year designed Black History Month, the Miami Police Department debuted its, um, special edition police SUV commemorating the occasion.  And it opted to do it in front of the Black Police Precinct and Courthouse, a building used in the Times We Cannot Discuss In Florida Because It Makes White People Look Bad by a completely Black police unit and Black-staffed courthouse to serve the Black community during segregation.

This Weekend at Bernie’s preboot is horrific.  An Iowa mortician found a live 66-year-old woman gasping for air inside a body bag sent to his funeral home by a nearby Alzheimer’s care facility last month, costing the company a $10,000 fine and confirming the adage that it never hurts to check one more time.

According to NBC News, the woman was admitted to hospice at the Glen Oaks Alzheimer’s Special Care Center in Urbandale December 28th suffering from “senile degeneration of the brain.”  During early morning rounds on January 3rd, a nurse checked the unnamed patient and found no signs of response, with the woman lying in bed, eyes open and pupils fixed.  The nurse saw no signs of breathing and could not locate a pulse or a heartbeat using a stethoscope.  Believing the patient to be dead, the nurse contacted her supervisor and the patient’s designated family member.

But there was a problem.  She wasn’t dead yet.  The mortician on call put the patient in a cloth body bag on a gurney around 8 a.m. and observed no signs of life.  After around five minutes to exit the facility, a ten-minute drive to the funeral home, and form processing for around five minutes, the staff of the funeral home opened the bag to find the woman gasping for air.  EMTs called to the scene found the woman breathing but unresponsive.  She was taken to a local hospital where she was treated and released back to the hospice facility, where she died with her family–who undoubtedly now know more lawyers than at any other time in their lives–by her side.

A New York man pleaded guilty to making threatening phone calls to the offices of Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-Ga) in March 2022 saying he was going to harm the newly-single crackpot, NBC News reports.

Fifty-one-year-old Joseph Morelli of Endicott, New York made three calls to Taylor’s office saying, “I’m gonna hurt you. Physically, I’m gonna harm you,” that he was going to “crack your skull” with a baseball bat, and finally saying that even if he went to jail, he’d pay someone to hurt Taylor.

An advocate for free speech right for people who threaten to hang Mike Pence, Taylor (then known as Taylor-Greene before her divorce) felt threatening people’s lives was such an explicit right she exercised it by threatening the lives of the members of the Squad and the sitting Speaker of the House.

Former Brazilian dictator Jair Bolsonaro sure isn’t in any rush to get back home from Florida these days, and will almost certainly be in even less of a rush now. The AP reports a Brazilian magazine on Thursday released audio of a Bolsonaro-allied right wing Senator telling a reporter that in December the then-soon-to-be-ex-president had discussed a plot to pull some “Project Veritas” type bullshit on national elections chief and Supreme Court Justice Alexandre de Moraes to create a pretext for a coup to block the upcoming inauguration of returning lefty President Luiz Ignacio Lula.

Senator Marcos Do Val told the magazine Veja that Bolsonaro gave him a “mission” to record de Moraes admitting he had violated the Constitution when he met with Bolsonaro and lawmaker Daniel Silveira at the presidential residence on December 9. “I annul the election, Lula isn’t sworn in, I stay in the presidency and arrest Alexandre de Moraes because of his comments,” said Bolsonaro according to Do Val, who earlier denied saying as such after Veja printed the story. Do Val’s damage control consisted of trying to blame the entire plot on Silviera, claiming it was his idea.

Much like how Georgia Secretary of State leaked audio of the “Find 11,780 votes” call with fat former President Trump to the Washington Post after Donald had lied about their phone conversation, Veja magazine released the audio of Do Val in response to his denials. Closer to an echo than a rhyme.

“Duly elected Governor of Arizona” Kari Lake on Thursday met with staffers from the National Republican Senate Campaign committee to talk about a 2024 run for the seat currently occupied by useless and corrupt “independent” Senator Kyrsten Sinema, Politico reports.

In related news, a new survey by a PAC called “Replace Sinema” on Thursday found Lake tied with Dem Congressman Ruben Gallego at 36 percent, ahead of Sinema at 24 percent. If it’s “RINO” former Gov Doug Ducey instead of Lake then Gallego leads 37 to 31 percent with Sinema in third again at 27 percent. Gallego leads Lake 50 to 45 percent in a two-way head-to-head.

Prosecutors with Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg’s office are considering bringing insurance fraud charges against Trump Organization CFO Allen Weaselberg in an effort to get him to testify against the fat former President in the Stormy Daniels case, the New York Times reports.

Weaselberg, already sitting in Rikers on a five-month bid for his prior conviction on tax fraud charges, is seen by Bragg’s office as a high-value witness in the newly-revived probe into the $130,000 in hush money paid in 2016 to the porn star Daniels to keep her quiet about a 45 second sexual encounter between her and the twice-impeached racist former President that happened in 2006. The insurance fraud case is reportedly very strong and would carry significant prison time for a slightly-built 75 year-old accountant now behind bars for the first time in his life.

Non-Correction: The current version of this article and headline misspelled Allen Weisselberg’s last name as ‘Weaselberg.’ National Zero does not regret the error and will not be correcting it.

The only thing really “Christian conservative” about Patriot Mobile is that they fund extremist school board candidates in districts around their corporate headquarters in Texas. Otherwise, according to JoeMyGod, they’re just a middleman who charge $65/month to use T-Mobile’s network – with a 22GB data cap on that plan. For comparison, regular T-Mobile costs $45/month for unlimited data.

American military officials are working on a plan to shoot down a suspected ChiCom spy balloon that’s been floating in the skies over the US mainland for the past few days, NBC News reports.

“The United States government has detected and is tracking a high-altitude surveillance balloon that is over the continental United States right now,” Pentagon spokesperson Brigadier General Pat Ryder told NBC. “We continue to track and monitor it closely. Once the balloon was detected, the U.S. government acted immediately to protect against the collection of sensitive information.”