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The nascent political career of Michigan “election fraud” expert Mellissa Carone, famous for her drunken testimony at a December 2020 state legislative hearing on the election and for her “expertise” on Coronavirus vaccines, ended before it even started Tuesday as the Michigan Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson informed Carone and 14 other candidates they’ve been disqualified from the August 2nd primary ballot for signing false statements over their compliance with campaign finance laws, the Detroit News reports. “The Michigan election law prohibits filing officials from certifying to the ballot the names of candidates whose affidavits of identity are missing required information or that contain false statements,” said Benson’s office in a press release without elaborating specifically Carone lied about on her campaign filings.

Carone launched her run for the Michigan state House on “pretending to have some sort of ‘insider’s knowledge’ regarding Dominion’s business activities, when in reality you were hired through a staffing agency for one day to clean glass on machines and complete other menial tasks,” per a December 2020 cease and desist letter from Dominion. Unrelated to her political adventures was her 2019 arrest for harassing her then boyfriend’s ex-wife by sending her videos of them having sex, which is kind of a sinful thing for a woman who claims to be a Christian to do.

Bonus: Though Carone was not endorsed by Trump (and very badly wanted to be), Jon Rocha, one of the other Michigan state House candidates disqualified on Tuesday did have the MAGA King’s “complete and total” backing, so this counts as another loss on Donald’s 2022 endorsement record.

“We conducted this investigation in response to a complaint filed with the DoD Hotline on August 18, 2020, alleging that various administration officials, including former President Donald J. Trump, took actions against Lieutenant Colonel Yevgeny Vindman (the Complainant), U.S. Army, while he was serving at the National Security Council (NSC), Washington, D.C., in reprisal for his protected communications. The complaint alleged that the following personnel actions were taken or withheld: [Bullet points detailing what specific bureaucratic levers Douchebag NSC counsel Michael Ellis, Trump National Security Advisor Robert O’Brien, and some other cock knob named Alexander Gray pulled to retaliate against Vindman for his brother] The Complainant alleged that the officials named above reprised against him because he made protected communications and because of his association with his twin brother’s protected communications to Members of Congress” says the findings of a Defense Department Inspector General investigation pursuant to the complaint submitted by Army Lt Col Yevgeny Vindman, brother of whistleblower Lt Col Alexander Vindman.

Settling a long-term dispute, the dominant US Women’s National Soccer Team has achieved its goal of achieving pay equity with the less-successful men’s team in a new agreement with the US Soccer Federation, the organization announced Wednesday.

Under new collective bargaining agreements signed with both the men’s and women’s teams, the bonuses for the two teams will be placed in a common pool and distributed equally between the members of the two squads.  For the 2022 World Cup in Qatar the bonus pool will be $400 million, while the bonuses for the women’s tournament in Australia in 2023 will be $60 million.  The teams will also split revenues received for product and commercial revenue.

Players will also get equal compensation for “friendly” matches, with pay between $13,000-$18,000 for a win, $10,000-$12,000 for a draw and $8,000 for a loss, with pay dependent on the opponent’s international ranking.  For World Cup matches, each player will receive a $10,000 game bonus, plus an additional $14,000 for a win or $10,000 for a tie.

A former Minneapolis police officer pleaded guilty to state charges of second degree manslaughter in the death of George Floyd, who was murdered by then-officer Derek Chauvin in May 2020, the Associated Press reports.

Thomas Lane, who was convicted in federal court of violating Floyd’s civil rights, was one of three officers who stood aside and let Chauvin kneel on Floyd’s neck until he had a cardiac event and died.  State prosecutors are seeking a three year prison sentence for Lane.

Lane, along with fellow former officers J. Alexander Kueng and Tou Thao were convicted of state charges of depriving Floyd of his right to medical care.  Thao and Kueng were also convicted of failing to intervene to stop Chauvin during the killing.

Donald might’ve just read MSNBC election nerd Steve Kornacki’s analysis that appears to give a slight edge to McCormick given where Tuesday in-person votes are still outstanding. However, Kornacki cautions that “while McCormick has done well with mail votes so far, it’s possible the very late-arriving mail ballots will be more Oz-friendly, which could stave off McCormick,” and pegs the outstanding number of mail-ins at 20,000 or more. So it really could go either way. Never mind that his guy won easily in the GOP governor primary race or that his woman lost in France last month in an election his fans say was rigged. Or that France doesn’t have an antiquated loophole like the electoral college that would allow some piece of shit like him to win in the first place.

It’s not like that fucking hilarious incident when, two days after the 2020 election, Wisconsin GOP officials cold called people in Pennsylvania in a desperate, incredibly narrow attempt to try to find enough who hadn’t turned in absentee ballots to vote for Donald and mail them in as Pennsylvania law allows for late arriving ballots to still be counted under specific circumstances. He was already doomed then no matter what. This Oz vs McCormick count and almost certain recount that will follow is a truly contested election, just don’t expect the Orange Fatass to keep complaining about mail-in ballots should Oz ultimately prevail because of them as Kornacki said is certainly possible.

Trump still hedged in an earlier Truth Social post saying “Remember, all three candidates in Pennsylvania were ‘Ultra’ MAGA!” after twice declaring victory for Oz, and without mentioning the embarrassing defeats of his other ULTRA MAGA candidates in North Carolina and Idaho.

Russian Army Sergeant Vadin Shyshimarin pleaded guilty Wednesday to murder in a Ukrainian court over the murder of an unarmed civilian in the village of Chupakhivka on February 28th. The plea marks the first of hopefully a great many war crimes convictions for Ukrainian prosecutors in the nation still under attack from bloodthirsty Russian dictator Vladimir Putin.

Belarusian dictator Alexander Lukashenko announced Wednesday that his administration’s progressive post-birth abortion policies would be expanded from cases involving terrorism causing loss of life, depraved murder, and multiple murder to also include attempted acts of terrorism in response to incidents of sabotage on railroad networks which hampered the movement of Russian troops and supplies into Ukraine last month, Reuters reports. The former Soviet Republic is widely recognized as a leader in post-birth abortion, being the only European country to allow the procedure to be performed on any former fetus at roughly 832 weeks or more, however whether or not there are exceptions allowed in cases of rape or incest is unclear.

An unclassified Department of Homeland Security intel memo obtained by Axios warns of violence precipitated by the Supreme Court’s almost certain overturning of Roe v Wade in the next few months, saying threats against the court, healthcare providers, and clergy “are likely to persist and may increase leading up to and following the issuing of the Court’s official ruling.”

Naturally, DHS anticipates that most of the “legitimate political discourse” will come from the right wing, writing “some racially or ethnically motivated violent extremists’ embrace of pro-life narratives may be linked to the perception of wanting to ‘save white children’ and ‘fight white genocide,'” however they also add that the libs could be getting pretty rowdy as well.

Hunter Biden laptop repairmen says FBI 'didn't seem interested' in reviewing hard drive https://t.co/LUjbvAADUz

— Fox News (@FoxNews) May 18, 2022

Quack TV doctor leads MAGA capitalist David McCormick by a razor thin 2,672 votes in the Pennsylvania Republican Senate primary with 94% reporting as of 5:35 EDT Wednesday, per the New York Times. The difference of 0.2% is enough to trigger an automatic recount if it holds.

Diplomats from Sweden and Finland officially submitted their applications to join the North Atlantic Treaty Organization on Wednesday, a once-unthinkable move made by the two Baltic nations in response to the Russian assault on Ukraine, Politico EU reports. “I warmly welcome requests by Finland and Sweden to join NATO. You are our closest partners, and your membership in NATO will increase our shared security,” said NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg in an address.

Trump-backed Idaho Lt Gov Janice McGeachin loses her primary challenge against incumbent Gov Brad Little, Dave Wasserman projects. That’s Donald’s second loss of the night and fifth overall.

Democratic Oregon Senator Ron Wyden will defend his seat against an undecided Republican in an easy primary victory where he took an early lead with more than 90% of the vote, the New York Times reports.

Hey, sorry.  Was sitting back and enjoying the vibe of the night.  Y’know that vibe:  the one you get when a hyper-MAGA-(likely in the closet)-hypocritical male character gets beaten down embarrassingly by his own kind.  Beaten down like when the Mob would “disappear” one of their own who told the media about their cocaine-fueled orgies.  Y’know, that vibe.  It’s kinda nice.

Fetterman may be the first Senator who won the primary while being literally in a hospital bed.  Whomever he faces–McCormick or Oz–I gotta think that seat leans Blue tomorrow morning.  But the surprise of that race is a Black woman who continues to question not just the outcome of the 2020 election, but also the birthplace of Barack Obama got about a quarter of the vote in the Republican primary.  So 25% of the Pennsylvania GOP is fucking nuts.

In the big yawn of the night, Rand Paul won, and good for him.  He’s certainly not qualified to be anything else, unless, of course, he founds another certification board. 

Madison Cawthorn’s dumbassery and locker room shenanigans have finally caught up with him as primary challenger State Sen Chuck Edwards defeats the incumbent, Dave Wasserman projects.

Cry more, lib.

— Madison Cawthorn (@CawthornforNC) November 4, 2020

Don’t cry because it happened. Laugh because it’s over – and at fat Donald begging fans to give the Madman a second chance, just to protect his precious endorsement win record.

UPDATE 5/17/2022 10:40 PM EDT: Cawthorn conceded to Edwards, CNN’S Jeff Zeleny reports.

Oh, poor Lauren Boebert, the failed restauranteur married to a sex offender after he got the then-17 year old pregnant.  (He was 24 at the time, by the way.)  All that edumacation gone when she had a kid.  (Yeah, I know people don’t typically forget everything they learn, but this child–a term used about Boebert only because that’s what she called a survivor of the Parkland mass murder who lobbied for gun control–seems to be an exception.

“And DHS is a militarized form, ah, ah, arm of the government.  They have means to enforce, uh, this disinformation governance board or if anyone has read the “1984” book uh uh uh ah, ee, the the th— the Or, or heard about the Orwellian—

“George Orwell, yes,” host not the actor Tony Perkins helpfully offers.

“Yes,” Boebert continues.  “You know, this is really scary that we have an entire party who, um, didn’t take that “1984” book as a warning.  They, they looked at it as a guide, and that’s what we’re seeing.

Pennsylvania Republican state senator Doug Mastriano has won the GOP nomination for the governor’s race, where he will face Dem nominee Josh Shapiro, the state’s Attorney General, Dave Wasserman reports. Mastriano is one of two candidates on the Pennsylvania ballot today who attended the January 6th protests to undermine the outcome of the 2020 election.  He has been a major Big Lie proponent for Donald Trump, who endorsed him.

“You’ve heard a lot about the Great Replacement Theory.  It’s everywhere in the last two days, and we’re still not sure exactly what it is,” abashed white nationalist and Hungarian Is For Lovers pitchman Tucker Carlson said on his Fox show, claiming complete ignorance about its very meaning.  “Here’s what we do know for a fact,” Carlson continues, signaling in his characteristic way that what he’s about to say is not, in fact, a fact.  “There’s a strong political component to the Democratic Party’s immigration policy.  We’re not guessing this.  [Yes, he is.  And who’s “we”?]. We know this [Only true in Tucker’s brain cell.] and we know it because they have said so.  They’ve said it again, and again, and again.  [Who is “they” and what have they said again, and again, and again?]  They’ve written books on it.  [So show one.]  And monographs.  [“Monographs”?  What kind of pretentious twat uses the word “monographs” instead of studies or papers?] And magazine articles!  They’ve bragged about it endlessly.  They talk about it on cable news constantly.  [The only one who talks about it constantly is Tucker Carlson.  The only network where it’s seriously discussed is Fox.] And they say, out loud, we are doing this because it helps us to win elections.  [No Democratic politician has said shit about The Great Replacement being a Party directive, and no one–other than Tucker–is talking about it constantly.]. It’s not something they’ve said once.  It’s something they’ve gloated about again, and again, and again [Again with the “again, and again, and again,” Tucker?  Get a new writer.] and we think that’s wrong, and in case you doubt us, here they are.”  He then cuts to a clip from Barack Obama.  No… no… from Joe Biden!  No… no.  He cuts to a clip of…. [checks notes]…. Joe Scarborough.

But remember Tucker saying he doesn’t know anything about The Great Replacement Theory, because about two minutes later he said:

Cook Political election guru Dave Wasserman calls the Pennsylvania Democratic Senate nomination goes to Lt. Governor John Fetterman.