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Republican Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson, who’s basically a goth but dresses like the father-in-law your spouse never directly defends during the blow-up that ensues when you slip up and say out loud that family gatherings will be much less awkward after he finally dies, was typically dark and morose Thursday. Even Johnson couldn’t pretend that convicted felon president Trump’s birthright citizenship ban would survive at the Supreme Court. What’s interesting is that which RonAnon doesn’t do here and well, you know, make even the slightest nod to the reality that he actually has agency in this and could work on a real bipartisan solution to what he presents as an existential threat to miserable, deeply entitled, boomer-aged caucasian fathers-in-law everywhere.

The word “compromise” loses its dual meaning in such Republican-coded contexts: That to come to a bipartisan solution is no different than fatally undermining the ramparts of the medieval fortress that is a white nationalist revanchist party like the congressional GOP. To exchange concessions with Democrats, like an overhaul of the utterly bricked legal immigration system to acquire win on priorities such as restricting the Chinese birth tourism industry that creates some voters 18 years later – when Ron’s hopefully already long dead after driving a jet ski into a bridge pylon – is the same as an unconditional surrender. Thing is he’s too chickenshit to just come out and say that to the Fox News audience, so he retreats to complaining that the Supreme Court won’t just do his job for him and are effectively responsible for “destroying this country” by creating “millions of voters who will obviously not be voting in the best interests of America.” It’s that Neil Gorsuch libtard’s fault.

“Thank you to all of our Great Congressional Republicans, House Speaker Mike Johnson, and Senate Leader John Thune, for their work this week. Republicans are UNIFIED, and moving forward on a plan that will reload funding for our FANTASTIC Border Patrol and Immigration Enforcement Officers.”

“Because the Democrats are fully and 100 percent committed to the Radical Left Policy of Open Borders and Zero Immigration Enforcement (which will hopefully cost them dearly in the Midterms!), allowing Murderers and Criminals of all types into our Country, totally unchecked and unvetted, I will soon sign an order to pay ALL of the incredible employees at the Department of Homeland Security.”

“Their families have suffered far too long at the hands of the Extreme Liberal ‘Leaders,’ Cryin’ Chuck Schumer and Hakeem ‘High Tax’ Jeffries. Nevertheless, help is on the way for our Brave and Patriotic Public Servants who have continued to work hard, and do their part to protect and defend our Country,” posted convicted felon President Trump on Thursday after the months long DHS shutdown finally ended for the next 60 days or whatever stupid can-kicking the GOP did.

If you had any serious doubts about National Zero’s theory that the Tuesday Daily Mail BOOBSHELL story about Byron Noem’s weird sexual fetish and cross-dressing habits was simply an internal Kristi Noem antagonist’s expired kompromat being dumped to a discount outlet for allegorical pennies on the dollar then be prepared to de-serious-ify those doubts. The Mail now reports Byron’s kinks were an “open secret” within the Orange God Emperor’s lair and, understandably, a target of snickering.

“I’ve heard people say Bryon dresses up in women’s clothes, but I didn’t imagine something this reckless. It certainly wasn’t on my bingo card,” one Trump minion told the Mail, adding that during the vetting process the FBI looks “into who you are married to, but there are not any questions about whether your husband has any secret fetishes. They’re not digging through online chatrooms to get dirt on a secretary’s husband. That could get sticky.” Meaning that this person had heard said rumors but did not think to maybe tell K$H Patel that he might want to look into it and get ahead of any foreign malefactors whom would use it to blackmail the Secretary of Homeland Security.

“I have been hearing he was a cross-dresser since last year and that [Kristi Noem] was telling people about it – we assumed to justify her affair,” a “senior” DHS official said, and lol that’s just really fucking funny. You assumed correctly, bro. You just didn’t follow through and realize that the justification angle could be predicated on it actually being true. “Everyone assumed it was not a normal marriage. He was either cool with her being banged by someone else, or he wasn’t into women,” said another source, who said he had also speculated that Byron had a “cuck fetish.”

A South Dakota source was initially horrified when the British rag first picked up the Corey affair circa 2021. “As a married man, I can’t imagine anything more humiliating than my wife’s boyfriend being in the Daily Mail.” A mutual friend then told the man “Yeah, they’ve got an arrangement.”

“It was widely known,” the Mount Rushmore Stater said, adding “We knew Kristi and Bryon had a full breakdown in sexual relations. He’s interested in other stuff. I didn’t know he had fake breasts.”

Fox and Friends couchman Lawrence Jones on Thursday sounded pretty butthurt over how convicted felon President Trump’s speech was received by MS Now’s Nicole Wallace, CNN’s John Berman and Van Jones, and soon-to-be-exiting CBS’s Stephen Colbert, asserting their criticisms of the speech were tantamount to “rooting against the country” and questioning why they can’t give Trump any of the “credibility” Jones says that Trump had “earned” throughout his political career.

Yeah. You could write a book about this segment. First off, wow holy shit these people are doing what they’re paid to do? They’re making anodyne takes and obvious jokes about a demented old physical wreck who was unfit for the presidency a decade ago? Damn, next you’re going to tell us that Lawrence isn’t simply a passionate hobbyist who wakes up at 4:00 AM to be in the studio by 5:30 to use the show’s A-block to complain about the clip reel for free either. Then there’s the “credibility” thing in which apparently it’s less than completely reasonable to question the honesty of a president who has repeatedly asserted his New York City-born father was born in Germany, to name just one of the many, many easily falsified statements Dirty Don has made over the years.

The price of a barrel of West Texas Intermediate crude oil, which is the bodies of dead dinosaurs that sank in mud and then got all putrified and shit and then the top layer of mud hardened and turned into rocks and then all the rotted dino meat was subjected to immense heat and pressure from the Earth’s geological processes and the biomass got turned itself into oil and then in 2007 there was this one really wacky Daniel Day-Lewis movie about the early days of the oil industry…

Yeah well CNBC’s price ticker puts the price of a barrel of it at $109.63 as of 7:59 AM EDT on Thursday, a direct result of convicted felon President Trump’s lame, terrible address to the nation on Wednesday night. Dow Jones Industrial Average futures are down 718 points in tandem.

Might as well keep going with the first-name only Trump minion headlines. The Guardian reports that the illegitimate convicted felon president has been asking advisors whether he should fire Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard – more often than not a sign that he’s serious about it – and that the only reason he’s yet to do so is the lack of a viable replacement. “Viable” obviously doing a lot of work there considering Tulsi herself is a Hawaiian Dem former congresswoman who managed medical supply chains as an officer in the state’s National Guard and never would have been a viable pick for the extremely crucial job if the administration was led by a mentally healthy president.

The Orange God Emperor was particularly displeased with the Hindu supremacist cultist Tulsi declining the opportunity to condemn now-former National Counterterrorism chief Joe Kent, himself a white nationalist maniac, after he abruptly quit over Trump’s directionless Iran war last month.

Secretary of Homeland Security Markwayne Mullin has mothballed his dog-murdering idiot predecessor Kristi Noem’s aggressive acquisition of massive warehouses for conversions into ICE gulags, USA Today reports and confirmed by DHS statement saying “As with any transition, we are reviewing agency policies and proposals,” even though “review” might as well be saying “DOA.”

Mullin himself hinted at such a move during his confirmation hearing last month that, saying “it’s important that we’re talking to the communities” where such centers would be located, communities whose responses to having an ICE gulag stood up nearby have largely ranged from “no” to “fuck no.”

At least 11 acquisitions have collapsed, though it’s believed DHS has bought up 10 warehouses. It’s not clear what the status of those 10 is and if the pause extends to in-progress repurposings.

Back to the Stone Age.

— Pete Hegseth (@PeteHegseth) April 2, 2026

“It is my Great Honor to nominate Jeffrey Kuntz to serve as Judge on the United States District Court for the Southern District of Florida. As the Highly Respected Chief Judge of Florida’s Fourth District Court of Appeal, Jeffrey has been TOUGH and SMART, and delivered strong results for the Sunshine State. A proud graduate of Boston College, who earned his JD at Suffolk University Law School, Jeffrey has demonstrated his commitment to the Rule of Law throughout his career. He will always defend our Great Constitution, and put our Country, FIRST. Congratulations Jeffrey!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Wednesday. It was like a magnet, he just nominated Kuntz.

Haha! Get it? The headline was calling Attorney General Pam Bondi shit and the gold toilet flushing was an allusion to her potentially being fired as CNN reports in this new story of theirs that lends itself to such clever and witty satire that really isn’t actually all that witty or clever if it needs to be explained like this and now you’re thinking “Come on, will you just get to the fucking story already…”

Anyway you already guessed why convicted felon President Trump has already had it with Pam – her inability to convince a clear majority of the American public that he never statutorily raped Jeffrey Epstein’s sex trafficking victims decades before she ever even met Trump, her inability to ensure only Proud Boys and Oath Keepers are seated on grand juries investigating people he hates, that he already fired Kristi Noem thus depriving Pam of a dumber, more corrupt top-tier female cabinet member to absorb Donald’s misogynist pathologies, and the fact that the only one of his US Attorneys General that he never turned against is that bald asshole who served for two months and whose resume prominently included a stint as a pitchman for a patent scam mills that sold toilets specially designed to accommodate men whose penises are too long for them to sanitarily sit on more typical models installed in homes. That guy’s the United States ambassador to NATO now.

And just as it was eight years ago when that deeply corrupt piece of shit EPA chief Scott Pruitt was repeatedly floated as an instantly available replacement for Keebler elf Jeff Sessions – presently serving Senate-confirmed cabinet members can be laterally shuffled into a another spot without having to undergo the nomination process again – Trump is eyeing Pruitt’s successor and complete douchebag EPA admin Lee Zeldin to take over for Bondi. And – get this – Zeldin actually has a law degree. Crazy, right? Trump’s top candidate for attorney general is an attorney, technically.

In a development that is pretty congruent with the intended result of such a brazen theft and yet also could very easily have been an afterthought for police, WHAS reports that Evansville, Indiana man Randall Baker blew a .103 BAC after he was arrested for stealing a Bud Light delivery truck whilst the driver was unloading cases of the formerly artificially-MAGA-controversial mass-market beer in the parking lot of a liquor store on North Governor Street at around 3 PM Friday.

Further details about how Baker was apprehended were not in the article, how much time and distance he was able to put in between himself and the scene of the theft and, most importantly, specifically whether it either were ample enough for him to have actually consumed any of his ill-gotten spoils from the heist. Baker’s moderate level of intoxication and the location of the theft do however point toward it being a simple crime of opportunity by an ebullient and daring boozebag who was making his way into the liquor store to restock on his spirit of choice, saw this most unexpected of openings to obtain a vast wealth of alcohol – along with the keys in the ignition.

Heartbreaking to think that he might not have been able to crack open even one tall boy though.

Pray the Orange Lump of Shit illegitimately occupying the White House did not jinx this mission with his earlier Truth Social post. For real God bless and godspeed to astronauts Reid Wiseman, Victor Glover, Christina Koch, and CSA (Canadian Space Agency) astronaut Jeremy Hansen on the approximately 10‑day translunar test drive of the future surface landing mission craft. We’re proud of you and your courage is an inspiration to all of us. Come back safe and ready to get extra drunk.

No fewer than six current and former US Border Patrol officials tell the Washington Examiner that agency Chief Michael Banks has a reputation for bragging about flying to places like Thailand and Colombia to have sex with prostitutes. It’s an explosive allegation considering the expectation that a conservative law enforcement official charged with white nationalist voters’ most sacred mission would prefer Caucasian prostitutes from the United States – or at least some impoverished former Soviet Republic if he was looking to get more value for his vacation budget than in Nevada.

Border Patrol – which was not ever led by now-former El Centro, California command Chief Greg Bovino despite both Bovino and the Trump Regime presenting as such until he was cashiered – is a subordinate agency to Customs and Border Protection, itself subordinate to Homeland Security. CBP twice initiated probes into Banks’s “bragging” about the trips, including last year, but dog murdering now-former Secretary Kristi Noem quashed it, presumably because her not-husband Corey Lewandowski wanted to personally interrogate Banks for recommendations on which places to visit.

“I don’t know how he became the chief of the Border Patrol with his character. He’s going to third-world countries to take advantage of poor fucking women, which disgusts the hell out of me,” a former Border Patrol agent told the Examiner over the phone, adding that now-53 year-old Banks had nagged him to come along on one of the trips. Just going to leave that quote there because there’s not much that can be added. There are so many real reasons why that guy’s disgusted.

While it’s still not a full accounting of just how the hell quadruple amputee pro cornhole player Dayton Webber was able to pull out a gun and shoot Bradrick Wells in the head twice during an argument while Webber was driving a Tesla if wasn’t already court of public opinion defense lawyer spin bullshit, a Wednesday statement from Webber’s Dream Team captain Andrew Jezic to reporters does fill in some of the gaps in the public understanding of the fatal events that transpired.

According to the AP, Jezic briefed reporters outside Charles County District Court following a bail hearing and professed that his client had acted in self-defense when he somehow managed to retrieve the weapon, cock it, and shoot Wells, all while “terrified” that Wells was about to leverage the advantage of having hands to kill Webber. “The truth here is that he would have been a murder victim if he had not acted immediately in defense of his life,” said Jezic following the hearing.

The argument between the two centered on a different firearm that a friend of Wells had stolen from Webber with the cornhole pro enraged at Wells for still associating with the third person. That’s actually not a terrible foundation for a self-defense claim given that a jury might buy a case that Webber had some reasonable suspicion that Wells had the weapon on him. It gets harder though when you get to the part where the Assistant State’s Attorney Karen Piper Mitchell told the court that Webber had another tiff with Wells in 2024 in which the quadruple amputee screamed at Wells to leave his home and the fired a warning round at him from a window after he exited.

Bail was denied. It’s not clear if Jezic quipped “Flight risk?!? Your honor, you can clearly see my client doesn’t have wings!” but that would’ve been unprofessional on top of groan-inducing.

“We’re launching a new pilot program to fight rats in DC. This spring, we’re combining baiting, tracking powder, and an innovative fertility suppressant to target the rodent population. Let’s work together to keep the population down by securing trash and keeping alleys clear,” tweeted DC Mayor Muriel Bowser on Wednesday and no she means like actual mice and rats not conservative politicians, lobbyists, lawyers and so on. Yes everyone’s disappointed that it’s literal. Totally.

Evidently satisfied with their record of doing incredibly dangerous shit in the middle of the ocean to disrupt what little remains of the global whaling industry in the 21st century, militant activist group the Captain Paul Watson Foundation have turned their attention to the tiny crustaceans that whales feed upon and are now doing incredibly dangerous shit to disrupt the krill industry too.

Per the AP, Team Watson’s latest hit was from the bow of their vessel, the M/V Bandero, against the port side of the Antarctic Sea, a vessel operated by Norwegian krill concern Aker Qrill during a Wednesday confrontation off the coast of the frozen wasteland continent. The astonishingly fucking reckless strike in remote waters so far from any rescue that it might as well be on the moon was said by the company to have come within centimeters of the trawler’s diesel tank. Which would’ve been lucky for the members of either crew who had been instantly killed at least. That would suck about 99 percent less than huddled in a lifeboat for a few hours before finally being capsized.

“Despite decades of study, a quantitative, integrated framework to evaluate minute-scale throughput, geometric control, and a zero external footprint for Khufu’s pyramid has been lacking. We test the Integrated Edge-Ramp (IER) model – a helical path formed by omitting and backfilling perimeter courses – using a unified, end-to-end pipeline coupling parametric geometry, discrete-event logistics, and staged finite-element analysis (FEA). An adaptive multi-ramp strategy can sustain 4–6-min dispatches and yields a median on-site duration of 13.8 – 20.6 years (95 percent CI); including quarrying, river transport, and seasonal pauses gives 20 – 27 years. FEA indicates that stresses remain within plausible limits for Old Kingdom limestone under self-weight.”

“The model’s geometry is also consistent with internal voids identified by muon imaging (a hypothesis-generating result). The IER helps reconcile throughput, survey access, and zero-footprint closure, and produces falsifiable predictions (edge-fill signatures, corner wear). Our study provides a transferable, open-data/code framework for testing construction hypotheses for ancient megastructures,” says the abstract to a paper by independent researcher Vicente Luis Rosell Roig.

Wow, so they used science and like 6-Sigma kind of shit to optimize their means of whipping slaves to build a giant tomb for one guy for somewhere between two and three decades straight.