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Rapper Eminem will introduce former President Barack Obama at a rally for Vice President Kamala Harris in Slim Shady’s native Detroit on Tuesday. Not sure whether the veep is there too.

A cockatoo that nearly a fuckin month bugged inna Coles in Sydney was snatched up by a wildlife rescuin’ crew after they chased the twat round the shop the whole time, UPI reports.

The sulphur-crested cockatoo, dubbed Mickey by some fuckin wombo, flew inna Coles in Campbelltown’s Macarthur Square shopping centeroo thru a wide open loadin dock door and was unable to get’is way out afteh. Mickey spent nearly a month fuckin around back an forth an again thru the Coles. Sydney wildlife blokes got’im now and will soon release the cunt back in the wild.

“Mickey is looking pretty healthy, all things considered and will be released back home soon. We hope he stays out of trouble and lays off the brioche for many years to come,” Sydney Metro Wildlife posted on the webaroo. Mickey best stay clear of crocos, they gettin hungry in summeh.

At least one person is dead and 10 others have been hospitalized from E Coli infections linked to McDonald’s Quarter Pounders, NBC News reports and OH YEAH BY THE WAY THERE’S STILL NO PROOF KAMALA HARRIS EVER WORKED AT A MCDONALD’S LIBS! NO PROOF AT ALL!

The CDC said in total 49 cases in 10 states – mostly Colorado and Nebraska – have been LIBS DID YOU SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE OUTSIDE THE MCDONALD’S IN PENNSYLVANIA WHEN PRESIDENT TRUMP SERVED DELICIOUS BURGERS AND FRIES TO SURPRISED CUSTOMERS?!?

The specific ingredient in the burger had not been identified but CDC investigators were IT WAS SUCH A STROKE OF GENIUS FROM TRUMP’S CAMPAIGN! HE REALLY CONNECTED WITH EVERYDAY AMERICANS, MANY OF WHOM WORK IN REGULAR JOBS LIKE AT MCDONALD’S!!!

President Joe Biden just came out and said it on Tuesday, “We gotta lock him up,” and “him” being specifically convicted felon former President Donald Trump, the comment coming during a visit to New Hampshire to promote his administration’s healthcare wins, per Reuters’ Jeff Mason.

I was in the discussions featured in the Atlantic’s latest hit piece against President Trump. Let me say this.

Any suggestion that President Trump disparaged Ms. Guillen or refused to pay for her funeral expenses is absolutely false.

He was nothing but kind, gracious, and…

— Mark Meadows (@MarkMeadows) October 22, 2024

If Mark Meadows is denying it then… There’s also actual confirmation in the piece from Meadows’s predecessor, John Kelly, who confirmed to reporter that the headline about the fat fuck wanting American military leaders to be more like Hitler’s, as Kelly told writer Jeffrey Goldberg what happened when Trump first said “German generals”: “Do you mean Bismarck’s generals? I mean, I knew he didn’t know who Bismarck was, or about the Franco-Prussian War. I said, ‘Do you mean the kaiser’s generals? Surely you can’t mean Hitler’s generals? And he said, ‘Yeah, yeah, Hitler’s generals.’ I explained to him that Rommel had to commit suicide after taking part in a plot against Hitler,” Kelly said, then telling Goldberg that Trump had no idea who Rommel was.

During the George Floyd riots in 2020, Trump also told his staff that “The Chinese generals would know what to do,” specifically referring the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre.

The US Capitol will be off limits to all spear-carrying, fur-horned-hat-wearing, US flag-face painted weirdos and other unauthorized personnel between January 5th and January 21st, 2025 as the city will be erecting a large, non-scaleable barrier around the place, NBC’s Gary Grumbach reports.

In the middle of a long sequel to the infamous September 2020 “Suckers and Losers” report, the Atlantic details a pretty fucking sick and cruel incident of how convicted felon former President Trump reacted when handed the bill for murdered US soldier Vanessa Guillen‘s funeral after telling her family he would personally pay for it. We’re just going to copy this verbatim to not mince words:

It goes on to recount a complicated back and forth of denials about the incident. Guillen’s family lawyer told the Atlantic the bill was never paid. The Trump campaign said “President Donald Trump never said that. This is an outrageous lie from The Atlantic two weeks before the election,” in a comment. Sounds like they’re going to have to go into serious damage control mode.

The Georgia Supreme Court on Tuesday unanimously rejected the MAGAfied state elections board’s attempt to grant itself new powers like requiring hand counts and “investigations.”

“Six individuals have been indicted for illegal voting in past elections, Ohio Attorney General Dave Yost announced today. ‘The right to vote is sacred. If you’re not a US citizen, it’s illegal to vote, whether you thought you were allowed to or not, you will be held accountable. Irregularities like this are rare, and this is a small number of cases,’ Yost said. ‘We should all be confident in the upcoming election, knowing that the laws are being enforced and will continue to be enforced,'” says a statement from the Ohio AG’s office on a total vindication for MAGA conspiracy bullshit.

Not really though. It gets even fucking lamer: Between the six of them they illegally voted in multiple elections, but going all the way back to 2008, the latest in 2020. This butthole waited until two weeks before Election Day 2024 to prosecute six fucking non-citizens who didn’t even vote in 2022.

And this was six out of 138 flagged by the Secretary of State’s office. The amount of fucking time wasted going through all this bullshit just to nab six people, three of whom last voted in 2018.

Sources tell the New York Times that capitalist oligarch JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon is rooting for Vice President Kamala Harris to defeat convicted felon former President Trump next month, but is unwilling to say so publicly out of fear of retaliation from the Orange Hitler.

“Dimon isn’t making his stance known publicly because he’s fearful that if Mr Trump is victorious, he could retaliate against the people and companies who publicly opposed his run, his associates said. That’s a concern shared by other powerful corporate executives, and not without reason: Mr Trump has begun to increase threats of political retribution in recent weeks,” the Times writes.

Cat’s out of the bag now, Diamond Jim. Might as well just say it publicly – and he basically did last month when he debunked the fat fuck’s claim Jamie had endorsed him. Back in July the orange shitbag also denied he was considering Dimon for a cabinet position, blaming the fake news or some unnamed intern for it. Problem was that weeks earlier Trump literally said in an interview with Bloomberg that Dimon “is somebody that I would consider, sure,” for Treasury.

19-year-old woman found dead in oven in Canada Walmart https://t.co/WFB84AVIdw

— The Hill (@thehill) October 22, 2024

Maybe it’s cynicism, maybe personal enmity toward them, maybe just a delusion, but it’s hard to escape the feeling that somebody extremely sick and disturbed at the other site deliberately chose to carry this story because it turned them on or something. Not trying to throw a rock from a glass house here, we swerve out of politics all the time and deliberately so to give both us and our audience a break from the grind of a perilous stretch and – even if that’s much more our brand than theirs – we would never hold it against The Hill if and when they do the same. Some dumb crime here or wacky escaped animal story there is totally cool for them to run.

But this- this is a real stretch. How the fuck does a political news aggregator justify this? What member of their audience is going to see this as a complement to the hard-hitting Beltway and Beyond coverage? We really have to question whether this pickup decision was the product of some editor’s sick sexual fetish, like there’s a latent Ted Bundy/Jeffrey Dahmer type revealing himself suddenly at that content mill. This is like psychiatric hold-level sickness.

The chair of the Republican Party in Lee County – yeah it’s named after Confederate General Robert E Lee, we checked – North Carolina was caught on video telling MAGA poll watchers that any voter with a Hispanic-sounding last name is to be considered “suspicious,” CBS News reports.

“If you’ve got folks that you, that were registered, and they’re missing information… and they were registered in the last 90 days before the election, and they’ve got Hispanic-sounding last names, that probably is, is a suspicious voter. It doesn’t mean they’re illegal. It just means they’re suspicious,” said Lee GOP Chair James Womack during the August Zoom poll watcher training.

Asked to explain himself, Womack told CBS News the “Hispanic-sounding last name certainly is not exclusive. We are trying to find every illegitimate voter and – and to challenge the ones that shouldn’t be voting.” He then added something about “mispronunciations” and misspellings of Latino or Arab names as a reason they could be flagged, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean.

“Today’s virtual MAHA Town Hall has been canceled due to a change in President Trump’s schedule. President Trump, Robert F Kennedy Jr, and Tulsi Gabbard were eager to engage with you today to discuss the health crisis in our country and how we can tackle the chronic disease epidemic,” says a notice from convicted felon former President Trump’s campaign. Maybe not a coincidence this fell apart two days after Trump promoted a message of McDonald’s consumption. Could also be that the fatass appeared to fall asleep on camera again at that Latino cult event and needs a nap.

‘Russian fat Leonardo DiCaprio’ sent to fight at Ukraine front after weight gain spoils likeness to A-lister https://t.co/zUkV8Ccc0m pic.twitter.com/qE7qlzAf1d

— New York Post (@nypost) October 22, 2024

DC federal Judge Paul Friedman on Tuesday gave US Army officials until the end of the week to publicly release its records on convicted felon former President Trump’s disgraceful and illegal August 29th campaign stop at Arlington National Cemetery and the assault of an employee by his scumbag minions Justin Caporale and Michel Picard, the Military Times reports.

Probably not great timing. Even without the assault this was an extremely bad look for the fat fuck and he was lucky it fell by the wayside last month, overshadowed by his debate implosion.

Racist psychopath Laura “MAGAlyn Manson” Loomer has filed a defamation lawsuit against smug self-cocksucker Bill Maher for joking last month that she was in a sexual relationship with convicted felon former President Trump, TMZ reports. “I think maybe Laura Loomer’s in an arranged relationship to affect the election because she’s very close to Trump. She’s 31, looks like his type. We did an editorial here a few years ago … it was basically, who’s Trump fucking? Because I said, you know, it’s not nobody. He’s been a dog for too long, and it’s not Melania. I think we may have our answer this week. I think it might be Laura Loomer,” said Maher on his September 13th show as flagged by the complaint filed in a Sumter County, Florida (yes, that’s where The Villages is) court.

Hmmm… Since they can’t both lose we would see the best outcome as Loomer completely destroying Maher, whose show is canceled and he’s left destitute after Loomer wins everything he’s got and then one of no doubt dozens of potential defamation plaintiffs does the same to Loomer after she shit talks them. That’s the long game we’d love to see play out for both of them here.

Catch ALL the action visible from this station at the base of the legendary cog railway up to the summit of New Hampshire’s highest peak, Mount Washington. Interesting trivia: A cog railway train is like a regular train, but in addition to the wheels there’s a cog in the middle for extra traction!

Vice President Kamala Harris is heading to Houston for a campaign rally on Friday, the Texas Tribune reports on a curious stop in the Lone Star State during the final stretch before election day.

It’s the same day as convicted felon former President Trump’s Madison Square Garden rally in Manhattan so it kind of comes at the risk of making him look a little less stupid. Just because Harris is nearly certain to lose Texas by less than Trump is going to lose New York doesn’t make it more prudent. However Dem Congressman Colin Allred is trailing gremlin-faced Senator Ted Cruz by single digits, so if this is a joint rally then maybe it just might be worth Harris’s time.

In related news, Eminem will open for Barack Obama and Harris in Detroit on Tuesday, per TMZ.

Ninety-one year-old Cameroonian President Paul Biya threw his nation a curveball by appearing in public on Monday, having arrived in the capital’s airport from Switzerland, the BBC reports.

Folks had been starting to ask some questions during the six weeks since the last time Biya had been seen alive, even though publicly discussing the president’s health is a criminal offense in the West African nation, which probably helps his political longevity as the old man’s been in power since 1982. And to ditch the tedious sarcasm for a bit putting the BBC describing Biya as “looking visibly strong” and Switzerland together we would bet $20 Biya was there specifically for stem-cell treatments. Like we don’t even need to joke about him getting “adrenochrome” or some other QAnon-ish salve. Swiss stem cell treatments are popular with wealthy third-worlders these days.