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Republicans in both Texas and DC are increasingly dismayed as they stare down primary fight between Picasso-faced corrupt shitbag Attorney General Ken Paxton and incumbent “RINO” Senator John Cornhole Cornyn that Politico speculates could end up being “the GOP trainwreck of the 2026 election cycle, a cash-burning demolition derby that threatens to fracture the party, force the White House to intervene and perhaps even put an otherwise safe seat at risk in November.”

“I hate to see that kind of internecine warfare in my party,” said Texas Republican Congressman Mike McCaul, adding “It’ll be an ugly one,” summing up the discomfit in the Lone Star State GOP after a McConnell-Thune establishment PAC’s internal poll found Pax crushing Cornyn in a primary.

“You’re going to replace a guy who votes with Trump all the time for another guy who will vote with Trump all the time,” said one anonymous Republican consultant operating under the assumption that Paxton will win the primary and the general. The problem for the national GOP, per Politico and really anyone with a cursory understanding of how elections work these days, is that Pax is a deeply flawed general election candidate who, if he doesn’t jeopardize the seat, will require far more money that could be spent elsewhere – like Michigan, Georgia, North Carolina, etc – that Cornyn would not.

And yet, for the very same reasons that he’s a general election liability, he might run away with this primary as Politico writes Paxton “has the ultimate credential of MAGA authenticity. Like Trump, Paxton has been subject to his own FBI raid and his own impeachment trial.” They don’t elaborate much further on that point and why should they? It says pretty much everything you need to know about the Trump cult’s mindset in this stupid era of corruption and unaccountability in the GOP.

Convicted felon President Trump on Wednesday told reporters on Air Force One that his meeting with Syrian warlord-turned-President Ahmed al-Sharaa aka Abu Mohammad al-Julani went “great,” adding he’s a “young, attractive guy. Tough guy. Strong past. Very strong past. Fighter… I think he’s got the potential to do – he’s a real leader. He led a charge and he’s pretty amazing.”

It’s not clear if Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard agrees with Trump’s assessment of the questionable figure who nonetheless led the rebellion that finally ousted her patron, Bashar Al-Assad last December. Probably depends on if Sharaa is paying her a similar amount for lobbying.

The parents of a Tennessee three year-old tell People Magazine that their daughter has become unhealthily fixated on and fearful of John Wilkes Booth ever since a November trip to Washington, DC where the family’s stops included the museum at Ford’s Theater and the Lincoln Memorial.

Cassie Litton tells the lifestyle publication – which bills the article as an “exclusive” – that while daughter Lainey’s mentions of Booth are not “an everyday occurrence,” it does “tend to find its way into just our day-to-day conversations,” adding that on a recent Sunday the family were attending church services “and the preacher was talking about how Jesus loves us. She looked at me and she said ‘Mommy, I love Jesus.’ I said ‘That’s awesome. I’m glad you do.’ She said, ‘Jesus loves us.’ I said, ‘That’s right.’ She said, ‘You know who we don’t love? I said, ‘Who?’ She said, ‘John Wilkes Booth.’”

The small girl’s obsession with Booth has found its way into her bedtime as Cassie says occasionally she has to reassure Lainey that the pro-Confederate actor is not “in her room” or “under her bed” at night. “She was afraid to lie in her bed one night. I said, ‘It’s okay. You’re safe. You’re in your room, nobody can bother you in your own house.’ She said, ‘Yeah, but what if John Wilkes Booth is under my bed? Like, what if he’s hiding?’ She said, ‘What if he comes to take my stuffed animals away?’”

The Democratic National Committee plans to fly plane dragging a banner reading “Qatar-a-Lago” over convicted felon President Trump’s southern Florida redoubt on Wednesday, chair Ken Martin tells ABC News. “Donald Trump is using the presidency to personally enrich himself while he bankrupts working families. His corruption is a slap in the face to the millions of Americans who are struggling to get by and put food on the table,” said Martin in a statement to the network.

Can’t say it isn’t catchy and clever but, you know. He isn’t at Mar-a-Lago currently. There’s probably a better and more effective way to propagate the meme than a goddamned airplane banner.

Sitting in the apparently soon-to-be-former Air Force One with dipshit Fox News propagandist Sean Hannity for an interview recorded at some point in the last 24 hours, convicted felon President Trump directly contradicted the Truth Social post in the previous article by making it clear the Qatari royal family were indeed offerng a personal gift to the fat bastard with their fancy 747.

“The Boeing 747 is being given to the United States Air Force/Department of Defense, NOT TO ME! It is a gift from a Nation, Qatar, that we have successfully defended for many years. It will be used by our Government as a temporary Air Force One, until such time as our new Boeings, which are very late on delivery, arrive. Why should our military, and therefore our taxpayers, be forced to pay hundreds of millions of Dollars when they can get it for FREE from a country that wants to reward us for a job well done. This big savings will be spent, instead, to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”

“Only a FOOL would not accept this gift on behalf of our Country. Thank you for your attention to this matter!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Tuesday, leaving out the part where Qatar Force One would remain in the possession of his “presidential library” after 2029, since that would kind of contradict his whole story about it being for the “Air Force/Department of Defense.”

Mexican Security Secretary Omar Garcia Harfuch on Tuesday confirmed an independent journalist’s reporting that 17 family members of Sinaloa Cartel leadership had crossed into the United States with their suitcases as part of a deal with the Trump Regime for unclear purposes, the AP reports.

Garcia Harfuch told a radio interviewer “it’s evident” that the family of Sinaloa capo Ovidio Guzman Lopez “is going to the US because of a negotiation or an offer that the Department of Justice is giving” the cartel boss, currently held in federal custody after his 2023 arrest. But that was just an inference as US federal prosecutors have yet to “share information” with Mexican officials. None of Guzman Lopez’s family members are wanted for any crime by authorities in either country, so they were free to go. Last week independent journo Luis Chaparro caught video of the family members walking through the border station at Tijuana, which obviously flew under the media’s radar.

More importantly there’s no reason for the MAGA Reich to have publicized that they were simply letting 17 Mexicans associated with a cartel boss into the country. Plea deal condition or not, that’s not a good look for them after years of “zero tolerance” bullshit rhetoric on drugs and the border.

Another one of these fucking stories out of Massachusetts.

Residents of a Bay Area, California town are confused and upset trying to figure out why at least 50 birds have exploded in recent weeks after landing on a certain stretch of powerline, KABC reports.

While the lede makes it seem at least sort of obvious what’s happening, Pacific Gas and Electric personnel examined the powerline on Bernhard Avenue in Richmond and determined that nothing was wrong with it, issuing a statement saying “We appreciate the concern of our customers in Richmond about the recent series of bird deaths. We have asked the California Department of Fish and Wildlife to evaluate several of the bird corpses. They have shared that the birds show no evidence of electrocution, and that their deaths were caused by trauma, potentially from a pellet or BB gun or a slingshot. PG&E does not believe that there was an issue with our electrical equipment and agrees that these birds were not electrocuted. Neighbors have asked the Contra County Sheriff’s Office to look into this situation. The pole at issue is compliant with avian safe standards, as established by the Avian Powerline Interaction Committee,” despite neighbors’ insistence otherwise.

“I feel like a BB gun doesn’t make a firecracker noise,” said resident Heather Jones. “This sounds exactly like a firecracker.” Mark Hoehner was similarly skeptical of PG&E’s take, saying “It sounded like a firecracker, and a black bird-a starling-just plummeted to the ground. I’ve been under the birds when it happens, and I know where the sound is coming from. It’s coming from up on the pole.”

Sick of their “pro-life” crusade being stymied by courts, Republican lawmakers in Texas have come up with an innovative workaround to get one over the smartasses in robes who would freeze their next attempt to ban abortion drugs: Ban the courts from overturning it and leave them personally liable to up to $100,000 in damages for any ruling on its constitutionality, the Texas Tribune reports.

“I’ve never seen anything like that in any statute of any kind, anywhere,” said Dallas lawyer Charles Siegel, wowed by the legislative ingenuity. “It’s just crazy.” Republican state Senator Bryan Hughes was equally impressed by his own work. “We make the rules. We set the jurisdiction,” said Hughes.

“Could the Legislature now pass a law saying every time you vote for a Republican, it counts twice, and if you vote for a Democratic candidate, it counts once, and then put in these provisions that make it impossible to challenge?” Siegel asked, likely giving Hughes some even cooler new ideas.

This week’s Economist/YouGov national survey is maybe a shade less ridiculous than usual with its findings from Trump 2024 voters, but even at its very relative worst it still manages to unearth the sheer fucking dumbassery of these people. This round they asked respondents “Do you think that recent tariffs imposed by Donald Trump will help or hurt… US global standing” to which 23 percent of respondents overall said “help,” 50 percent said “hurt,” 12 percent said neither, and 14 percent didn’t know, while among Trump 2024 voters it was 51 percent help to just 15 percent hurt, 20 percent saying neither, and 14 percent saying they didn’t know if it was good for foreign relations.

Maybe even dumber was their perception of US standing in the world since Trump returned to power, with 67 percent saying yes compared just 30 percent overall saying it’s improved, lol.

Justice Department Deputy something whatever title Trump gave him after withdrawing his nomination as DC US Attorney Ed Martin on Tuesday told reporters that Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer apologizing for some non-threat to the Supreme Court Justices “made it difficult to charge him with a crime,” but added it was “shameful” conduct, Politico’s Kyle Cheney reports.

Separately, per CBS’s Scott MacFarlane, Martin claimed the department is reviewing the validity of Joe Biden’s last minute pardons, but declined to answer whether he’s actually trying to investigate the members of the House January 6th Select Committee, only that the pardons “need scrutiny.”

Fanboys must be thrilled at all this action coming out of the newly MAGAfied Justice Department.

If you have questions over whether convicted felon President Trump is getting some truly royal treatment from Prince Bonesaw and his minions then look no further than this content-free “Not the Bee” article with several tweets showing that there is in fact a McDonald’s on a tractor trailer following the fat bastard around wherever he goes within the Islamic theocratic state.

Illinois paper straw manufacturer Gaetano “Guy” Spinelli, the Trump voter whose business is in a death spiral with orders down 85 percent since last year after his customers ghosted for reasons unclear following the convicted felon president’s declaration of jihad against them, tells WBEZ he’s going to be out of business before the end of year if things don’t turn around soon, somehow.

Apparently Spinelli has quickened his pace of sending unanswered correspondence to the White House as last month he told the Chicago Tribune the number was at five letters and a dozen emails with the number now at 10 letters and 25 emails. “I’m not a billionaire like him,” Spinelli said. “Two million dollars,” the amount of his life savings that he invested in launching Boss Straw “is a lot of money for me. Us little guys, who he claims he’s for – he should be proud of us.”

Standing inside his factory now with four fewer than the nine employees he began the year with, 14 million unsold paper straws, and 15 percent of the previous year’s sales volume, Spinelli said “We got to get China out of this marketplace because they’re ruining the world. I don’t want anything from China. They’re the worst thieves in the world,” and that he supports Trump “getting illegal immigrants out of the country. The things he has done are exactly what he campaigned on.”

Except the part about paper straws. “What do you think that does to a paper straw company? It cripples us because the president said it,” Spinelli lamented. “If it keeps up the way it is, he will drive me out of business by the end of this year. It would be the end of the story.” Stick around for if and when National Zero can report that Spinelli and Boss Straw’s story does indeed truly well end.

Wow, what a brilliant plot twist from the writers. “THEY’RE TREN DE ARAGUA’S SWORN ENEMIES EXCEPT THEY’RE EVEN MORE VIOLENT AND THEY’RE IN RURAL AMERICA,” will definitely keep them tuning in and on the edges of their seats. But why “Anti-Tren”? Couldn’t they come up with something better and more sinister-sounding like “LOS DIABLOS DE MUERTE” or whatever?

Might work better for keeping the asses in the seats, but then again Fox News viewers aren’t all that picky when it comes to the content that lines up with their version of facts. Nor are they going to notice if say, a year or two from now, there’s an even newer, sweatier, more tattooed Venezuelan gang emerging that it would kind of undercut convicted felon President Trump’s campaign promise to have extirpated them from the United States. The writers will fix that quick by coming up with a story about them secretly having hid in basements in sanctuary cities for several years before taking to the streets again, if they even end up needing to put in that kind of effort for the audience.

“On May 5, 2025, the Captive Primate Safety Act (HR 3199/S 1594) – legislation that would ban the private ownership of primates in the US – was reintroduced in Congress. The introduction of this important bill was further heralded by Rep Mike Quigley – the House champion of the bill – touring the Born Free USA Primate Sanctuary on Friday, May 9. His timely visit allowed the congressman to meet some of the victims of the primate pet trade and learn more about their stories.”

“‘Monkeys and apes belong in the wild — not in living rooms,’ said Congressman Mike Quigley (IL-05), co-chair of the Congressional Animal Protection Caucus. ‘This bill will ban private possession of these animals, ensuring that we are safe and primates are able to live freely. As the lead sponsor of the 2022 Big Cat Protection Law, I’m proud to sponsor the Captive Primate Safety Act to advance the same protections for primates.’ Monkeys housed at the sanctuary include Wally, a Rhesus macaque who, despite his small size, caused his former owner serious injury by biting off part of her ear, and Gizmo, an illegally kept vervet monkey, who was surrendered after attacking his owner’s son-in-law. These are just two of the sanctuary residents who were surrendered or confiscated after attacking their owners while kept as pets,” says Quigley’s office in a press release.

It’s not clear if any opponents of the bill will use “chimps don’t rip people’s faces off, their owners let them rip people’s faces off,” as a slogan because that one would need a lot of fine-tuning.

Asked whether there was any truth to convicted felon President Trump’s Monday assertion that he offered major concessions on trade to get them and Pakistan to stop fighting, India Foreign Ministry spokesman Randhir Jaiswal said “the issue of trade didn’t not come up in any of these discussions” with JD Vance and Marco Rubio before the ceasefire was reached, the Associated Press reports.

“I said, come on, we’re going to do a lot of trade with you guys. Let’s stop it. Let’s stop it. If you stop it, we’ll do a trade. If you don’t stop it, we’re not going to do any trade,’” Trump told reporters on Monday. “And all of a sudden, they said, I think we’re going to stop. For a lot of reasons, but trade is a big one.” It’s not clear why Trump didn’t just tell reporters that Indian dictator Narendra Modi didn’t complement him on the size of his penis and say it was so huge that they should stop fighting.

Like why not just make the story better if he’s already simply lying about what had happened?