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Russian officials on Tuesday announced they were opening an investigation into Ukrainian energy company Burisma on suspicion of funding the ISIS terrorist attack that killed more than 140 people in Moscow’s Crocus City Hall concert venue last month, the Kyiv Independent reports.

Yeah this is real. White House National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan even addressed a reporter’s question about it during the daily press conference on Tuesday, somehow this flew under the radar of a lot of outlets. Like we get that Russians like to troll a lot, and not just in the regular internet propaganda sense, but at the highest echelons of power in their dysfunctional shitshow of a country. Like Putin himself was trolling when he said in February he preferred Biden be reelected.

This is kind of jumping the shark and borders on bad self-parody. It’s a joke National Zero would’ve rejected for being too on the nose with trying to tie Hunter Biden to ISIS. It’s just too uninspired, even if we’d mockingly urge Jim Jordan to subpoena Burisma. However if we could have printed this headline without the Crocus attack context that would be a pretty goddamned funny throwback to the fall of 2019: That Trump couldn’t get Zelensky to announce an investigation into Burisma then we so the Russians were taking the initiative five years later. Would’ve been great, but instead we’re stuck deconstructing something this overcooked Burisma-ISIS absurdity. Fucking dicks.

Apparently this desperate to save himself from QAnon scumbag Marjorie Taylor Greene‘s motion to vacate, Speaker Mike Johnson will head to Mar-a-Lago on Friday to appear at a joint press conference on “election integrity” with fat former President Trump, CNN’s Melanie Zanona reports.

It’s not clear yet if it’s just going to be a bunch of vague, horseshit platitudes about the need for election integrity or if Johnson will be cowed into introducing national legislation to “secure the vote” that will be DOA. Either way, the “plans still fluid, but comes as Johnson is facing a threat to his speakership from” Greene, per Zanona, emphasizing that it’s a move to cuddle up to Donald’s ample orange bosom for protection amid such turmoil. Zanona’s colleague Manu Raju tweeted that Greene and Johnson have been meeting privately for 70 minutes as of 12:39 PM EDT on Wednesday.

UPDATE 4/10/2024 12:53 PM EDT: CBS’s Scott MacFarlane reports the QAdulteress stepped out of her lengthy meeting with Johnson, alone and plainly not happy, saying she heard a “lot of excuses” and had demanded the speaker refuse to fund Ukraine, though she did not give a timeline on when she would move on her motion to vacate. So yeah, Johnson should probably head to Mar-a-Lago.

“LOOK WHAT WAS JUST FOUND! WILL THE FAKE NEWS REPORT IT?” posted fat former President Trump on Wednesday, along with this pic of a January 30, 2018 statement by Stormy Daniels.

Trump did not make clear what his purpose was in posting the pic, as in whether he was denying completely that he had a sexual relationship with Stormy Daniels, or to call in to question her credibility overall based on a statement she wrote when she apparently still believed she was bound by the terms of the hush money agreement at the time, which was just weeks after the Wall Street Journal had first broke the story of the payments. Daniels has obviously since publicly reversed this denial and shared at length embarrassing details about Donald’s anatomy and sexual skills, as well as intimated that the statement was coerced in an interview with Anderson Cooper.

Anyway, it wasn’t “JUST FOUND” because fanboys were circulating it last year in the lead-up to the grand jury in Manhattan hitting the fat fuck with 34 felony charges. Daniels tweeted as much at the time, writing on March 24, 2023 “It is old news from early 2018 before I came forward. I think it’s HYSTERICAL that tiny [meaning Trump] is trying to spin this as some kind of new information.”

Pro-Ukraine Republican Pennsylvania Congressman Brian Fitzpatrick tells Bloomberg’s Erik Wasson that the House will vote on an aid package to Ukraine next week – probably getting House Speaker Mike Johnson vacated by white nationalist psychopath Marjorie Taylor Greene. California Dem Pete Aguilar tells Punchbowl’s Max Cohen that Dems will step up to save his ass if needed after that. “You’ve heard Leader Jeffries say – it was an observation not a declaration – that we feel that if the speaker does the right thing [on Ukraine aid], that he is in a good position,” said Aguilar.

Munich’s Pinakothek der Moderne has fired a 51 year-old employee for hanging his own painting in an exhibit featuring work by Pablo Picasso and Salvador Dali, the BBC reports on what sounds like a garage band handing a demo tape to a music producer in the restroom at a concert venue. The guy may also be facing criminal charges for the incident as he had drilled two holes in the wall to hang his work in a conspicuous spot near the entrance to the exhibit. “The supervisors notice something like this immediately,” a spokeswoman told German newspaper Süddeutsche Zeitung.

A similar incident last year in the city of Bonn ended better for a painter who snuck in her own piece and placed it in an exhibit – without vandalizing the premises. The work was later auctioned off.

It’s clear that in the very moment of this clip that Bartiromo and similarly unhinged old shitbag MAGA Congresswoman Claudia Tenney are whining about crime in New York City, what’s less obvious is whether this is actually about Trump going on trial on Monday or his CFO going to jail again. Either way it’s them simply saying, as usual, that rich caucasians should be able to get away with whatever they want while brown people are prosecuted to the fullest extent for shoplifting Old Spice anti-perspirant from a CVS that priced it at least $3 more than a reasonable profit margin for it.

Former Trump Organization CFO Allen Weaselberg Weisselberg was booked for another 150 days, 150 nights at New York City’s not-at-all luxurious, zero star lifestyle resort at Rikers Island – located very convenient to LaGuardia Airport – having pleaded guilty to committing perjury during testimony in his fat former boss’s massive civil fraud trial, Just Security’s Adam Klasfeld reports.

Fat former President Trump’s campaign are planning to hype all-time record US oil production under the Biden Administration as being a bad thing in order to get far left Greenpeace-type libs to vote for Russian-backed Green Party candidate Jill Stein, the New York Times reports in a larger piece about the MAGA Reich-in-exile’s efforts to leverage third party candidates to regain power.

“No Republican knows that oil production under Biden is higher than ever,” said Steve Bannon. “But Jill Stein’s people do. Stein is furious about the oil drilling. The college kids are furious about it. The more exposure these guys get, the better it is for us,” Bannon added, even though he had literally just said “No Republican knows that oil production under Biden is higher than ever.”

Another blatantly scummy and contradictory strategy being eyed is to play up Biden’s support of Israeli dictator Benjamin Netanyahu’s genocidally depraved indifference to human life in Gaza as his regime pursues the terrorist animals who slaughtered at least 1,500 men, women, and children in the October 7th attacks, a particular weak spot for Joe in Michigan given the Muslim population there.

Team Orange are also working hard to define Robert F Kennedy Jr as a “champion for choice” on abortion policy in an effort to downplay his appeal to anti-vax nihilists who would turn away from Donald over the COVID-19 vaccine. Probably doesn’t help that RFK Jr’s New York campaign manager Rita Palma has been exposed as a MAGA asshole who posted pics of herself with the Kraken.

Faced with the choice of standing up for the lives of the fetuses with their the fierce anti-choice ardor or gaining political power to subject citizens to their whims, Republicans in Arizona are quickly backing away from an absurd state Supreme Court decision that bans abortion in the state based on a 1864 law put in place before Arizona was a state.

Per the Guardian, even the Queen of Soft Focus, the reigning false Republican governor of Arizona, and future sore Senatorial loser Kari Lake has abandoned the hardline stance she previously touted after public backlash echoed about the decision. “I oppose today’s ruling,” Lake said adding she wanted the state legislature to “come up with an immediate commonsense solution that Arizonans can support.”  During her 2022 losing gubernatorial campaign, Lake called the 1864 law “a great law that’s already on the books” and should be used as the law of the state.

“This is an earthquake that has never been seen in Arizona politics,” said Arizona conservative policy consultant Barrett Marson, a Republican, reflecting the fear a number of GOP candidates are experiencing after having the public reject the primary Republican political objective of the last half century. “This will shake the ground under every Republican candidate, even those in safe legislative or congressional seats.”

“The White House Thugs should not be allowed to have these dangerous and unfair Biden Trials during my campaign for President. All of them, civil and criminal, could have been brought more than three years ago. It is an illegal attack on a Political Opponent. It is Communism at its worst, and Election Interference at its Best. No such thing has ever happened in our Country before. On Monday I will be forced to sit, GAGGED, before a HIGHLY CONFLICTED & CORRUPT JUDGE, whose hatred for me has no bounds. All of these New York and DC ‘Judges’ and Prosecutors have the same MINDSET. Nobody but this Soros Prosecutor, Alvin Bragg, wanted to take this ridiculous case. All legal scholars say it is a sham. BIDEN’S DOJ IS RUNNING THE CASE. Just think of it, these animals want to put the former President of the United States (who got more votes than any sitting President!), & the PARTY’S REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE, IN JAIL, for doing absolutely nothing wrong. It is a RUSH TO THE FINISH. SO UNFAIR!” writes fat former President Trump on Truth Social.

A couple of dozen condo owners in Westchester County, New York are fighting to keep the name of disgraced former president and adjudicated rapist on their condo building despite his management company being fired by the board two years ago, the New York Post reports.

The roughly 24 cultists are fighting to keep the name despite an overwhelming majority of condo owners wanting to change it.  A 2021 vote removed the Trump Organization as the manager of the building and replaced it with a market leader in residential management, AKAM.  An effort to remove the Trump name in 2022 fell short:  70% of the building’s 194 unit owners voted to change the name, short of the three-quarters necessary, with most citing Trump’s poor reputation and the potential financial loss associated with his name as reasons.

“While there is a small and very vocal group of owners who do not support the name change, there is a silent majority who we believe support the name change,” board president Gerg Root said in an email statement.  “After carefully studying the issue, we believe it is financially in the best interest of unit owners’ property long-term values.”

One voter in Santa Clara County demanded a recount of the March 5th jungle primary in California’s 16th Congressional District to break a tie between two Democrats, Assemblymember Evan Low and Santa Clara County Supervisor Joe Simitian, who were each declared to have finished in second place with 30,249 votes, a situation that would have put both candidates on the November ballot along with top vote-getter, former San Jose Mayor Sam Liccardo, another Democrat.

Politico reports a voter named Jonathan Padilla requested the recount, which will cost approximately $300,000, to be paid by the campaign requesting.  Low claims Padilla is a former campaign staffer for Liccardo.  “This is a page right out of Trump’s political playbook using dirty tricks to attack democracy and subvert the will of the voters,” Whitney Larsen, a spokesperson for the Low, said, noting Liccardo, “did not file a recount himself. Instead, he had his former staffer do it for him. What’s he afraid of?”

Liccardo denies any connection to the man’s request.  But a spokesperson said the campaign understands the need for a recount in a tight race. “Every vote should be counted, and that’s why recounts are part of the state’s electoral process to ensure accuracy,” the campaign representative said in a text. Because a recount was requested, the cost of the effort–set at $32,000 per day for ten days–must be paid by the requesting campaign before it starts.  If the money isn’t paid, the recount doesn’t happen.

The Federal Aviation Administration will investigate allegations by a Boeing engineer that the company ignored multiple safety and quality alarms he raised while working on its 777 and 787 aircraft, Reuters reports, adding to the problems the aircraft manufacturer has had with the 737-Max airliner.

Sam Salehpour says that after he raised concerns with his supervisors, he was excluded from meetings and assembly shortcuts were introduced to speed up production of the first 787s that compromised the aircraft’s integrity.  In 2021, the company sent a service warning saying that some shims–metal strips used to fill gaps–were not installed properly and did not meet the company’s requirement for fuselage smoothness.  In 2022, Boeing was forced by the FAA to suspend deliveries of the 787 after similar issues were raised.

Salehpour says he saw procedures used to manufacture aircraft that caused “excessive stress on major airplane joints, and embedded drilling debris between key joints on more than 1,000 planes,” according to his lawsuit.

Two former contestants on “The Apprentice” who went on to co-found the Trump Media group that recently went public have amended an ongoing lawsuit against gameshow host and presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump, the Daily Beast reports.

Andy Litinsky and Wes Moss already claim that Trump diluted the value of their shares by issuing one billion shares of the company, not the 120 million initially discussed, thereby making their combined 8.6% share of a worthless company more worthlesser.

Now, however, the pair want permission to dump the shares in question now, while the stock price has steadily dropped and closed Tuesday at around $37.  The pair altered their lawsuit to include a claim that Trump imposed a six-month lockout on their ability to sell their shares as a punishment for falling out with Trump.  If found credible by a court, the pair could be released from the lockout.

For the first time, the women’s NCAA basketball finals drew a bigger television audience than the men’s held the following night, USA Today reports.  Sunday’s women’s final brought in 18.7 million viewers across ABC and ESPN networks and their streaming platforms, making it the most-watched women’s basketball game in American history; Monday’s men’s game on the TBS family of networks got just 14.8 million viewers.

“Dan Goldman and Jamie Raskin are in a race to see who the biggest hypocrite in the Congress can be,” says the guy who’s actually leading that race by 12 lengths Oversight Committee Chair Jamie Comer babbles.  “Look, they know exactly what they’ve done with the Department of Justice in weaponizing it against conservatives and against their major political opposition.”

Saying Goldman is trying to “triangulate” an issue, Comer asserts on the second station of a pro-Republican faux “news” network before completely going off the talking point train tracks: “That’s what they do with everything.  They take an issue and try to turn it around and collude with their friends in the mainstream media to create a disinformation campaign that was started by Russia, not by the Department of Justice or the Deep State bureaucracies or the Democrat National Committee, but created by the Russian disinformation campaign, whoever that involved.”

As is her habit of never making a clear, definitive decision, Judge Aileen Cannon has partially agreed to a motion by Special Counsel Jack Smith to redact the names and some private information of witnesses in adjudicated rapist and presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump’s federal documents trial.  Regarding other information, Cannon will require the Special Counsel’s office to explain, on a case-by-case basis, why the information should be redacted.

“In sum, the Court finds that the Special Counsel has made a sufficient ‘good cause’ showing to justify redactions of information in substantive witness statements that could be used to identify potential witnesses (along with witness names and P.I.I., as noted),” Cannon writes.  “Confident that such redactions will address the witness-safety concerns at the center of the Special Counsel’s seal request, the Court exercises its discretion to decline the Special Counsel’s wholesale request to seal non-identifying substantive witness statements, for which no particularized factual or legal support has been presented.”

A number of infamous convicts from the Republican-led January 6th domestic terrorist attack on Congress have been released from prison pending appeal even before the Supreme Court rules on whether one of the charges brought against Donald Trump and other insurrectionists is constitutional, the Washington Post reports.

Kevin Seefried, the Maryland man who carried a Confederate flag in the Capitol, was released one year into a three-year sentence.  Another man who wore a Trump flag as a cape as he searched through desks in the Senate was only five months into a 14-month sentence when he was released.

The crime which the insurrectionists are charged with, obstructing or impeding an official proceeding, awaits a Supreme Court decision on whether the law applies to the actions of Congress–in this case, the certification of the election–or if only covers the actual destruction of evidence or witness intimidation.

Sometimes you don't get to choose when you fight the big battles. Getting rid of abortion is an irrefutable, necessary, moral good for society & Arizona. Praise God we get to be in the fight for the unborn during such a time as this.

However, like all major moral fights in US…

— Charlie Kirk (@charliekirk11) April 9, 2024

“However, like all major moral fights in US history, they come with a potential political cost. It is likely that the majority of Arizonans wont like this decision. The majority of people want abortion, and they want it now. Incredibly, Trump pre-empted this ruling by ONE DAY. The best path is likely for the AZ leg to throw this back to the voters in November. Let the will of the people decide directly on the ballot. If they want to slaughter the unborn, then they will get what they vote for.”

“Trump has pledged to respect the will of states and their voters – and we can credibly message on this and decouple the top of ticket (Trump v Biden v RFK) from down ballot issues. A tall task, but infinitely more plausible given Trump’s announcement,” Kirk continued after the stupid cutoff.

This guy was fuckin THRILLED on Monday after his Orange Allah had supposedly negated the electoral risk facing the GOP. “He’s 100% right. If we don’t win elections, we get zero of what we want. Without political power Democrats will make abortion the law of the land,” Kirk wrote.

Kind of hard to see how he can square the importance of winning elections with “If they want to slaughter the unborn, then they will get what they vote for” on the same ballot he wants so desperately to win or it’s the end of America as we know it. Well that’s his problem now.

House Republican leadership on Tuesday chickened out on sending the impeachment articles against Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, holding off until at least Monday when more GOP Senators will be present to try to force a trial, creepy granny-faced Louisiana Senator John Kennedy tells Politico’s Burgess Everett. It’s not clear if even that will work as Mitt Romney is meh on a trial and a no vote from him or other squishy, non-MAGA Republicans would provide cover for vulnerable Dems like Jon Tester and Sherrod Brown to kill it on arrival.