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Assassin’s Creed publishers not all that brave or heroic IRL

Need to start from the top here for the non-gamers in the audience: Assassin’s Creed is a 2007 video game published by French studio Ubisoft that has since spawned a series that of 13 full-length sequels and 15 or so spinoffs and mobile phone games, plus a not-very-well-received 2016 film starring Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, and the late great Michael Kenneth Williams.

The premise is hard to explain but as tightly as possible here it is: In every game, players take on the role of a member of the Assassin Order, who for thousands of years have been battling the Knights Templar for control over powerful artifacts left behind by an ancient alien civilization being ruthlessly sought by all sorts of historical villains. The settings have jumped back and forth between, no joke, Greece during the Peloponnesian War, Roman/Ptolemaic Egypt, Abbasid Caliphate Baghdad, Britain during the Viking invasions, the Levant/Turkey during the Crusades, Renaissance Italy, Feudal Japan, the Caribbean during the Golden Age of Piracy, Revolutionary-era America, Revolutionary-era France, and late Victorian London. And that’s just the main, fully-priced entires in the series.

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CBP conducts “thorough review” to discredit Brazilian judge

“US Customs and Border Protection announced that it has conducted a thorough review of available evidence pertaining to allegations of an entry into the United States by Brazilian national Filipe Martins on Dec 30, 2022. Upon completion of the review, it was determined that Mr Martins did not enter the US on that date. This finding directly contradicts claims made by Brazilian Supreme Court Justice Alexandre de Moraes, an individual who was recently sanctioned by the US for his human rights violations against the Brazilian people,” says a US Border Patrol press release.

“We recognize that Justice de Moraes cited an erroneous record to justify Mr Martins’ monthslong imprisonment. The inclusion of this inaccurate record in CBP’s official systems remains under investigation, and CBP will take appropriate steps to prevent future discrepancies from occurring. CBP strongly condemns any misuse of this false entry to support the conviction or imprisonment of Mr Martins or any person. We reaffirm our dedication to maintaining the integrity of our border records and supporting the principles of justice and human rights,” the release continued.

Great job guys, except on the part where you explain why the fuck this is supposed to matter other than just some picayune way of justifying that which your regime’s overlords already justified to themselves. We get that they don’t like Alexandre De Moraes. The “evidence” is unnecessary.

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Comey filing hints case against him already starting to sputter

“Mr Comey asserts that the first set of pretrial motions due on October 20, 2025, which the Court ordered at the arraignment hearing, demands that discovery be produced on Monday, October 13, 2025. Naturally, at least some of this discovery will inform the bases for the vindictive and selective prosecution motion that is to be filed on October 20, 2025. As of the date of this filing, the defense has received one page of discovery. The government contends that the term ‘deadline for pretrial motions’ refers to the deadline for the second tranche of pretrial motions, October 30, 2025.”

“To be able to fully articulate all bases for the first tranche of pretrial motions including the vindictive and selective nature of this case; to be able to effectively defend Mr. Comey; and because it is the plain language of the standard discovery order, Mr Comey respectfully requests that the Court enter the additional proposed order making clear that ‘the deadline for pretrial motions’ referenced in the standard discovery order is the first pretrial motions deadline of October 20, 2025,” write former FBI Director James Comey and his lawyer, other former federal prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, at the end of a notice to the court about how things are going in the lying to Congress case against him.

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Fat Hitler waits until markets close to reiterate China tariff threat

“It has just been learned that China has taken an extraordinarily aggressive position on Trade in sending an extremely hostile letter to the World, stating that they were going to, effective November 1st, 2025, impose large scale Export Controls on virtually every product they make, and some not even made by them. This affects ALL Countries, without exception, and was obviously a plan devised by them years ago. It is absolutely unheard of in International Trade, and a moral disgrace in dealing with other Nations,” posted convicted felon President Trump on Friday, 50 minutes after the stock market closed until Tuesday morning to prevent a further slide caused by his stupid bullshit.

“Based on the fact that China has taken this unprecedented position, and speaking only for the USA, and not other Nations who were similarly threatened, starting November 1st, 2025 (or sooner, depending on any further actions or changes taken by China), the United States will impose a Tariff of 100 percent on China, over and above any Tariff that they are currently paying. Also on November 1st, we will impose Export Controls on any and all critical software,” Trump continued and apparently this is just a more coherently written version of the 493-word single block of text from earlier.

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Low Energy Greg urges Pritzker to do some pushups

Well at least he didn’t say jumping jacks. The very specific choice of exercise for the Illinois governor came in the middle of the Texas governor telling Fox Newsdouche Will Cain how the situation of him sending Texas National Guard troops to Chicago was totally different from when he freaked out over Joe Biden threatening to federalize the guard to prevent them from violating the constitution.

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Dems launch new ad blitz starring QAdulteress

“The Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee made history this week running a digital ad praising… Marjorie Taylor Greene. With Mike Johnson threatening to keep Republicans on vacation for a fourth straight week, even MTG has had enough, saying she is ‘absolutely disgusted’ that health care premiums will double if Republicans refuse to address the expiring ACA tax credits. The ad will be running on conservative news sites, including FOX, Breitbart, and Newsmax, ensuring that Republicans hear the message from one of their own,” says the DCCC in a press release.

“When Marjorie Taylor Greene is the voice of reason it’s safe to say Mike Johnson’s shutdown has gone off the rails. He should take her advice, bring back the House, and extend the ACA tax credits before premiums skyrocket for families across the country,” said DCCC spokesman Aidan Johnson.

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Norwegian officials investigating Polymarket Nobel fuckery

MAGA crypto circlejerk political betting site Polymarket is coming under scrutiny as some asshole who never had an account before this month and never used it until Thursday night won about $30,000 betting on Maria Corina Machado to win the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize, Bloomberg reports.

“We take this very seriously. It seems we have been prey to a criminal actor who wants to earn money on our information,” Nobel Institute director Kristian Berg Harpviken told Bloomberg. The committee had made their decision on Monday but it was only around midnight Friday that her odds suddenly spiked. Another two users made about $60,000 between them betting on Machado.

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Paul Ingrassia lawyer’s threat to Politico contains some plot holes

Holocaust denier Trump White House official Paul Ingrassia’s lawyer Ed Paltzik wasted very little time on Friday responding to Politico’s early morning story about his client’s really weak-ass attempt to eff a female colleague, raging at them in a letter reading “Politico’s hit piece about Mr Ingrassia is calculated to cause maximum harm to his promising career – and torpedo his nomination for Special Counsel. This vexatious political attack masquerading as ‘journalism’ is defamatory and will be addressed in forthcoming litigation. To be 100 percent crystal clear, so that there is zero room for doubt: Mr Ingrassia did not engage in any wrongdoing in connection with the matters reported.”

The “matters reported” were that Ingrassia had secretly rigged travel accommodations to force a subordinate female co-worker in a transparent attempt to initiate sex by forced proximity. By denying “wrongdoing” rather than the allegation well he’s kind of indirectly acknowledging that it happened but it’s totally cool for Ingrassia to have made a woman share a hotel room with him. The lawyer did admit that the sleeping arrangement part was true in comments on the initial piece.

Paltzik continues with “As Politico itself reported: ‘The woman, whom Politico is not naming, said in a statement that she never felt uncomfortable’ about Ingrassia’s behavior and said she had never made a complaint.’ This is one of the only accurate parts of Politico’s otherwise fantastical and fictional partisan fairy tale.” Bitchy, histrionic complaining aside, he did at least acknowledge that it was contradictory for him to credit one part of the story but not the other key details.

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Rubio, Scott, Donalds, other Florida Republicans are sooooo fucked

“We write to you in support of the nomination of Maria Corina Machado for the Nobel Peace Prize. In our work as policymakers who strive for democracy and human rights in the face of dictatorial regimes in the Western Hemisphere and beyond, we have rarely witnessed such courage, selflessness, and firm grasp of morality as we have in Maria Corina Machado. She has risked everything to rally the previously flagging spirits of the Venezuelan people. They have suffered 25 years of oppression, torture, murder, and economic deprivation at the hands of the Chavez-Maduro regime who has systematically undermined democratic institutions and perpetuated a regional crisis of monumental proportions. Machado stands as a beacon of hope and resilience,” says an August 26, 2024 letter to the Nobel Prize Committee signed by then-Senator now-Secretary of State Marco Rubio, then-Congressman now-UN Ambassador Mike Waltz, Senator Rick Scott, House GOP members Neal Dunn, Carlos Gimenez, Mario Diaz-Balart, Maria Elvira Salazar – and Byron Donalds, who luckily has already been endorsed by convicted felon President Trump in his gubernatorial bid.

They were not the only qualified nominators to give Machado the nod. Nor were they even the first as ten days earlier the presidents of Miami Dade College, Florida International University, St Thomas University, and Barry University had, on behalf of the American Museum of the Cuban Diaspora and Florida exile group Inspire America, formally submitted their nomination letter backing Machado.

But (A) that’s not going to matter to the fanboys should Laura Loomer or someone find out about what Rubio and pals did last year and (B) the fanboys wouldn’t exactly be wrong given the known record of Congressional Republicans’ nominations for anyone other than Machado or Trump during the 2025 submission period from February 1st, 2024 to January 31st, 2025: There are no others.

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Orange Idiot surprised China retaliating, cancels meeting with Xi

Convicted felon President Trump on Friday announced in a Truth Social post that he has “always felt that” the Chinese Communist regime “have been lying in wait, and now, as usual, I have been proven right” about their rare earth mineral export fuckery but also that Beijing’s move “was a real surprise, not only to me, but to all the Leaders of the Free World. I was to meet President Xi in two weeks, at APEC, in South Korea, but now there seems to be no reason to do so. The Chinese letters were especially inappropriate in that this was the Day that, after three thousand years of bedlam and fighting, there is PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST. I wonder if that timing was coincidental?” and Jesus Christ lol somebody put grandpa to bed already it’s been a long day and he’s sundowning badly.

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Mike Johnson, other GOP leaders mad

Jesus Dork Speaker of the House Mike Johnson was spitting mad on Friday, almost to the point where he might rip open his shirt and reveal his SuperEvangelical costume. Some choice quotes included “If you’re a service member who’s lacking a paycheck, it’s because Chuck Schumer has to appease the Marxists. Plain and simple. Same on you Chuck. Every Senate Democrat is going along with this. You lack to moral fortitude to do the right thing,” and “Millions of people are experiencing real pain because these political games. And you think after 44 years in Congress, Chuck Schumer would know better, but it seems apparent now that he spent too long in Washington to understand.”

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UPS just destroying international packages held up by Trump

Parcel service UPS tells NBC News they’re simply “disposing of” some of the untold thousands of internationally-shipped packages held up in its facilities by the Trump Reich’s Kafkaesque customs regime rather than try to figure out how to sort out all the new paperwork and tariff requirements.

This reporter can attest that this is not universal as on Thursday he received via UPS a €114 speeding ticket from the City of Florence, Italy from six months ago – though that was just an envelope. It did however ultimately meet the same fate as the packages UPS gave up on, lol.

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Thirsty fanboy says he’s introing bill to overrule Nobel committee

MAGA Georgia Congressman Buddy Carter, vying for his Holy Orange Allah’s endorsement in the Peach State’s Senate GOP primary, told Fox News on Friday he’s introducing a bill to award the fat fuck with the Nobel Peace Prize without really getting into the details of how that would work.

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