Lesser commone peasants ofth thee performers ande squires guilde ofth The Medieval Times faire promotion ofth Buena Park, Californiashire hath revolted agayns the lordes ofth the troupe, rebelling for increathed wages and safther workinge condiciouns, harketh the Orange County Register.

Thee tempeste begun onth Sabbath Daye, whene the horsehands, tireth of scuppinge shite inth the stables un’eath thee keepe ofth thee faire rathied a wickede crye for economic justith, followede swiftely bye alle guildesmen and guildeswenches. Thee maine greivance lies souther thee Interstate 5 tradepathe in thee Kingdom of Disneylande, wereth performers benefite from toil at highere wage for lessere working houres. “We have knights who make $18.50 an hour, and they’re falling off of horses,” saeth guildewench and revolt leadere Erin Zapcic. “A similar performer at Disneyland makes $33 an hour for 15-minute shows with breaks in between,” addeth the faire wench.

Federal prosecutors have decided not to indict MAGA Congressman Matt Gaetz for sex trafficking after they concluded they couldn’t get the charges to stick, CNN’s Paula Reid reports.

With half-term governor and losing Congressional candidate Sarah Palin repeatedly failing to spot foreign aircraft intruding on Alaskan airspace, the US military dispatched two F-16s to intercept a flight of four Russian planes approaching American airspace, CBS News reports.

Monday’s Russian flight of Tu-95 bomber and Su-35 fighter aircraft was immediately responded to and turned back, a rapid response after unknown objects, believed to be at least one Chinese balloon and perhaps other scientific flights, approached via the same path.  The last time Russian forces tried such a stunt was October 2022.

“NORAD also assessed that this Russian flight activity is in no way related to recent NORAD and US Northern Command operations associated with airborne objects over North America during the last two weeks,” the command said in a statement.

A federal judge on Wednesday rejected fat former President Trump’s offer to provide a DNA sample to rape accuser EJ Carroll’s legal team ahead of the May trial in her defamation lawsuit – but after the period to submit evidence for discovery had ended – as a transparent delay tactic.

Complicated story as short as possible: After the rapey encounter with the Orange Degenerate in the dressing room of the Bergdorf Goodman store in Manhattan, Carroll saved the dress on which Donald had (no doubt prematurely) deposited his mushroom goo and held onto it for decades before she filed a defamation suit against Trump for calling her a liar over her 2018 rape accusation. During discovery, Trump had refused to submit a DNA sample – for obvious reasons – but then suddenly “changed his mind” after discovery had ended, which was seen as an attempt to build a “Well I tried to give my DNA sample but they didn’t want it” defense to sell to the jury as well as a delay tactic.

Separately Trump’s defense team are contesting the admissibility of Donald’s long record of public statements about women – and the famous Access Hollywood tape in which he bragged about committing sexual assault in a department store, which might be kind of relevant to the case.

The MAGA terrorist convicted of the mass shooting at the Tops Supermarket in Buffalo, New York last May was dragged out of the courtroom during his sentencing hearing as a member of the audience present – likely a relative of one of the 10 people killed during the racially-motivated rampage – rushed the table and attempted to assault the white nationalist, the AP reports.

“You don’t know what we’re going through,” the man shouted as court officers led him out following the attempt on 19 year-old Payton Gendron, who pleaded guilty in November to New York State charges including murder and domestic terrorism motivated by hate, for which he will automatically receive a sentence of life without parole. At the federal level, Gendron has pleaded not guilty to hate crime charges which could carry a death sentence, though it’s possible he may change his plea in exchange for life without parole. It’s unclear which penal system Gendron will serve in.

CNN’s The Lead with Jake Tapper is now without an executive producer, as a likely young female staffer blabbed head honcho Federico Quadrani successfully seduced her. The story comes from a Fox News media reporter, written with sanctimony as if their own fucking house is in order.

If you read them aloud these rhymes sort of work, some whimsy and fun to media coverage which is usually a boring circlejerk. It’s the highest profile sex scandal at CNN since the departure of network president Jeff Zucker, who quit along with exec Allison Gollust after people found out that Jeff had…

A Russian general who had been in charge of the Putin regime’s internal suppression efforts shot himself early Monday, just weeks after Vlad fired him for some unspecified failure to carry out the Kremlin’s campaign of terror against citizens tired of the bullshit, the Telegraph reports.

Major General Vladimir Makarov, 72, had supposedly fallen into a “deep depression” and “didn’t know what to do with himself” after Putin fired his ass, according to Russian media. Which sounds believable enough, especially if he didn’t “jump” out of a window but who the fuck knows anymore. It can both be true that he was depressed over being canned and Putin wanted to tie up a loose end.

It’s time for a reset and a new chapter in national Republican politics, and there’s no better person to help write that new chapter than our former governor and my good friend, Nikki Haley! 🇺🇸

(3/3) pic.twitter.com/3HxygLFhqP

— Ralph Norman (@RalphNorman) February 15, 2023

South Carolina MAGA Congressman Ralph Norman, famous for his stupid January 17th, 2021 text message to Mark Meadows in which he begged for fat former President Trump to declare “Marshall Law,” went ahead and endorsed his former Governor Nimrata Haley for some reason on Wednesday.

Scotland’s First Minister Nicola Sturgeon, chief executive and leader of the Scottish National Party, abruptly quit her post on Wednesday at a hastily arranged press conference Wednesday from her official residence in Edinburgh, Politico EU reports. Sturgeon cited the difficulties keeping up with job after nine years and the need for a fresh face if Scotland is to secure independence from the UK.

“And then we have people like Ilhan Omar.  She wants to crack down on corporate greed when it comes to rails and the privately-owned sections of rails.  But really what we have to do is we have to make sure that our rails are safe,” preaches Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-Ga.) who is on the record as [checks notes] voting against Biden’s August 2022 Infrastructure Investment and Jobs Act to put more than $1 trillion into America’s failing infrastructure, which was celebrated week’s a time during the previous administration, even if they did nothing to actually fix it.

After watching the Super Bowl in the company of Emperor Palpatine’s human form, Rupert Murdoch, Elon Musk was upset people weren’t paying attention to him.  More specifically, he was upset that more people were paying attention to Joe Biden.  And even more specifically, Musk was pissed that the President’s Super Bowl tweet rooting for his hometown Philadelphia Eagles got more than three times more impressions than Musk’s shout-out to the Iggles.

As Platformer News reports, there was no downtime for Twitter’s engineers.  After his return from the game in Arizona, Musk assembled 80 remaining Twitter employees for an in-person meeting Sunday night to demand they change the algorithm that selects tweets to put into people’s feeds to cram Musk’s tweets over anyone else’s–even stifling the reach of the President of the United States to feed his ego.  On Monday morning, when about 1 in 6 workers suffered from Big Game hangovers, engineers found the company’s Slack channel contained a demand from the CEO, issued through his cousin (who apparently works for the company) making an “all hands on deck” call to fix the “problem” which wasn’t a problem for anything but Musk’s ego.

After Musk fired engineers who told him he simply wasn’t as popular as he thought he was, a brave employee told Musk his impressions were down because the algorithm noted many users had blocked or muted his account, likely because they became tired of his rants and extremist views.  Biden’s 29 million views for his Super Bowl tweet, versus Musk’s lowly 9 million, came because people haven’t muted the President’s account.  So to fix the problem, engineers removed all barriers to Musk’s tweets, adding them to nearly everyone’s “For You” tab and increasing his impressions by around 1,000 percent, which is apparently what $44 billion buys you.

The first missile fired by an F-16 pilot at an unidentified object flying over Lake Huron earlier this week missed the target and crashed harmlessly into the water, Army Gen. Mark Milley, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, stated Tuesday, noting the danger that would have arose should the Air Force tried to shoot down the object over land, CBS News reports.  The second shot destroyed the target.

The third of four unknown objects shot down by the US military in the past two weeks, the Lake Huron object was flying lower than the one that transited the US and was destroyed over the ocean off the coast of South Carolina.  “We’re very, very careful to make sure that those shots are, in fact, safe, and that’s the guidance from the president: shoot it down but make sure we minimize collateral damage and we preserve the safety of the American people,” Milley said.

One of the tiki torch marchers seen in an iconic photo of the 2017 Unite The Right rally protesting the removal of a Robert E Lee statue took his own life in Missouri last month the day he was supposed to face trial in Arizona on charges of smuggling fentanyl, the Daily Beast reports.

Teddy Joseph Von Nukem, 35, who had legally changed his name from Teddy Landrum to honor both his German heritage and the video game character Duke Nukem, was found dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in a barn in his hometown at the very moment a judge in Arizona issued a warrant for his arrest over the no-show at Nukem’s trial following his 2021 arrest at the border. Nukem told cops he had accepted 4,000 Mexican pesos (roughly $215) to smuggle the shit right wingers are supposed to hate with a passion for destroying white communities.

Justice Department special counsel Jack Smith is seeking to have a judge to declare a crime-fraud exception to attorney-client privilege to compel grand jury testimony from shitbag Trump lawyer Evan Corcoran in how he handled a spring 2022 subpoena for the classified documents Donald stole from the White House after his humiliating defeat in the 2020 election, the New York Times reports.

The crime-fraud exception was granted last year in the case of dickhead MAGA lawyer John Eastman as he sought to hide emails sought by the House January 6th Select Committee regarding Eastman’s work “representing” Trump while attempting to overturn the 2020 election.

Worried that right wing attorneys getting fined by courts or disciplined by the Bar for bringing frivolous lawsuits over Republican election losses might reduce the market for legal representation, Republican Arizona state Senator Anthony Kern has introduced a bill prohibiting a both the State Bar Association and the Arizona Supreme Court from “infringing” or “impeding” on the “political speech” of an attorney or an attorney’s clients, the Arizona Mirror reports.

A five judge New York appeals court on Tuesday unanimously rejected a motion from Fox News, batshit host Maria Bartiromo, and fired former host Lou Dobbs to dismiss voting technology company Smartmatic’s multi-billion dollar defamation lawsuits against them over their post-2020 election conspiracy bullshit, the Associated Press reports.

Two hours before the Emmy- and Grammy-award-winning a cappella group The King’s Singers were scheduled to take the stage Saturday night, a self-proclaimed “christian” college in Florida canceled the British sextet’s performance because at least one of the group’s members is gay, the Pensacola News Journal reports.

Even though the group had performed at the school at least a half dozen times, Pensacola Christian College canceled Saturday’s show citing concerns about “lifestyle” issues, a condescending way homophobes refer to LGBTQ people because they think being non-heterosexual is a choice one can decide not to pursue.  Apparently, school officials were concerned that the group was going to do more than sing on stage, perhaps demonstrating actual homosexual activity or debut a gay recruiting drive.  Perhaps they were scared that the gayness would waft over the audience and infect them.

“We were deeply saddened that our concert at Pensacola Christian College was cancelled at two hours’ notice on Saturday February 11th,” the group said in a statement posted to Facebook.  “The school gave its reasons for cancellation as ‘concerns’ expressed about the ‘lifestyle” of members of our group.  It has become clear to us, from a flood of correspondence from students and members of the public, that these concerns related to the sexuality of members of our group. We have performed at Pensacola Christian College before and we entered into the engagement in the knowledge that this is a fundamentalist Christian institution. Our belief is that music can build a common language that allows people with different views and perspectives to come together.”

Dinosaur California Dem Senator Dianne Feinstein announced her retirement on Tuesday, declining to run again in 2024 and opening up the race for her seat that has already unofficially started.

“Nikki Haley is just another career politician. She started out as a Never Trumper before resigning to serve in the Trump admin. She then resigned early to go rake in money on corporate boards. Now, she’s telling us she represents a ‘new generation.’ Sure just looks like more of the same, a career politician whose only fulfilled commitment is to herself,” says a statement from former Trump spokesworm Taylor Budowich, now chair of the “MAGA Inc” Political Action Committee.

Quite a tightrope he’s walking here, saying Nimrata sucks – but oh by the way Trump hired her to serve in his administration. Then again it’s not like any of the fanboys actually question this sort of shit those of us living in the real, non-MAGA, world spend our time pointing out like it matters.