Embrace the penguin. pic.twitter.com/kKlzwd3Rx7

— The White House (@WhiteHouse) January 23, 2026

“A recent study by geophysicists at Washington State University offers insight into how nutrients may reach the subsurface ocean of Europa, one of Jupiter’s moons and a leading candidate for extraterrestrial life in the solar system. Scientists have long wondered how life-sustaining nutrients could make it from the surface into Europa’s ice-covered ocean, where microscopic life is believed to exist. Drawing from a process from Earth’s geology known as crustal delamination, the research team used computer modeling to show that dense, nutrient-rich ice can separate from the surrounding ice and descend into the ocean,” says a press release from Washington State.

Complicated story short, the shit that could sustain life under the very thick ice shell around Europa seeps into the volcanically-warmed liquid ocean underneath and feeds the “microscopic” organisms that may or may not exist. The “microscopic” part seems to be kind of gratuitous scientific conservatism, like what the hell makes them so sure that an ocean that’s existed for 4 billion years doesn’t contain an ecosystem just as complex as Earth’s oceanosphere or even more so.

Nobody’s ever really going to know what’s down there until astronauts with a lot of heavy-duty equipment land on the snowball and start drilling to send a probe down. And then that fucker better be sterilized to hell to ensure a virgin ocean isn’t destroyed by something stupid like botulism.

If you’re one of the as many as 200 million Americans facing a major winter weather advisory this weekend then it’s absolutely imperative that you immediately drop everything and drive to your nearest grocery store to buy at minimum three gallons of milk, five loaves of bread, three dozen eggs, fill up your tank with gasoline and then also fill up a red five gallon gas can.

Don’t ask questions, just do it. Even if you’re already good and especially if you live in a suburban community with a lot of older people who panic buy milk, eggs, bread, and gas as they can every time there’s some major weather event in the forecast. It’s a time-honored tradition to go to the supermarket and complain a lot about how “crazy” it is, oh my God this place is a zoo. You also absolutely have to say something “Why does everyone act like this when there’s a blizzard coming? I just came here to get some milk, eggs, and bread so I don’t have to go out when it’s all snowy. Oh for Pete’s sake they’re out of 2 percent low fat. That’s just great, all these f-wording people have to freak out and come here. I bet the Mobil is a madhouse now too! Every time it snows!”

This is a matter of life and death. You must have milk, eggs, bread, and gas to survive.

There’s always some fucking excuse, like that, according to Trump DOJ Assistant Attorney General Harmett Dhillon, the magistrate judge that refused to sign off on the charge against Don Lemon is married to some staffer for Minnesota AG Keith Ellison. Of course it wouldn’t be an ill-advised podcast interview with psychopath Megan Kelly if there wasn’t some plot hole, as Politico’s Josh Gerstein points out that Lemon was only one out of five other participants in the church “attack” that the regime failed to secure an arrest for. Dhillon says she’s going to try with a grand jury.

Oil town Odessa, Texas’s director of economic development Tom Manskey tells the Texas Tribune that his town and the Permian Basin region at large could take a beating if convicted felon President Trump’s seizure of Venezuela’s oil wealth ends up being a real thing and the market is flooded.

“I would imagine it would have a negative effect on our region with regards to jobs and everything else. We’re in a very unpredictable economic time, and I think that’s just adding to it. There’s no predictability right now in the marketplace,” said Manskey in response to Trump’s pledge to bring prices down to $50 a barrel when the industry needs a minimum of $62 to break even.

The Potomac River is filled with swampy raw sewage from the muck of DC… In other news the Daily Voice reports that a major sewer line just outside the District’s northwestern border ruptured and started spewing millions upon millions of gallons of waste into the waterway! Bwahahahahaha!

Crews are working hard to contain the leak and have been making progress – which is the opposite of Congress – but want the job finished before this weekend’s winter storm hits. It’ll be so cold you’ll see politicians with their hands in their own pockets! Seriously folks, let’s hear it for the DC Water utility’s workers! If they pull this job off there’s another godawful hole that constantly spews a massive torrent of foul-smelling waste they can plug next: It’s located at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!

Just don’t walk too far fellas! If you make a wrong turn you might end up at the Supreme Court and get mistaken for the guys that Ginni called to fix the waste tank on the luxury RV parked out front!

Worse, you’ll get cowed into the job anyway. Then when you find the clog you’ll tell her she and her husband should use regular toilet paper instead of the US Constitution! Hahahahahaahaha!

“Remember everybody, it is Chuck Schumer, the under siege Senator from New York, who is holding up the Gateway Project!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Friday.

The full $6.9 billion of federal funding for the project was signed into law in 2021. There’s no legal authority for Trump to simply stop funding it but he does it anyway just because he can… And that’s a power he should be owning happily, lording it over Schumer. Instead this fat cunt is posting, um, something about how it’s Schumer’s fault without even explaining any of the internal logic to it.

Trump’s fanboys deserve better authoritarian overcompensating than this pussyfooting bullshit.

“Pizza Hut has just launched pasta. Yes, the same Pizza Hut that Italy frowns upon has now taken on another Italian classic. The kind that’s creamy, cheesy, loaded with sauce, and blatantly breaks every Italian rule in the book. So, before unveiling their new pasta, they dared to challenge an entire nation, defy centuries of tradition, and actually get approval for it. By Italians,” says a Pizza Hut press release that starts normal enough then quickly takes a sharp turn into very dicey territory.

“Kind of. But the brand knew what they were getting into. Traditional Italians would never agree to this culinary crime. Not the Giuseppes, not the Francescas, and definitely not their Nonnas. So, Pizza Hut did what they do best, they got creative. They turned to other Italians. Those who’ve been born and raised in countries like Kazakhstan, Lebanon, Japan and so on – who hold the Italian passport, but welcome contemporary twists on Italian food. It was the perfect setup for a social experiment disguised as a taste test, designed to test the limits of tradition,” the release continues.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck… Had to emphasize the “traditional” part above again because fuck. This entire marketing campaign sounds almost like it was designed in a lab to appeal to the Stephino Milleronis out there, but also kind of piss them off by referring to those “who hold the Italian passport” as Italians as well. This is freaking playing with fire and they better hope OANN doesn’t find out.

Hey there Americans! Got any fun plans for a nice Carribbean or even Mexican getaway this weekend? Are you looking forward to spending a few days or even a week on a warm sandy beach instead of freezing your loins off in a goddamned blizzard? That’s great! Also, CNBC reports that airlines have canceled more than 1,300 flights which means there’s a pretty decent chance you just got fucked out of your vacation. Don’t even bother going to the airport, it’ll only cause more heartache, especially when you do manage to book another flight and then you sit on the tarmac for five hours until they turn around and head back to the gate because the plane got covered in ice.

“Trump likes polls that appear favorable to him and dislikes polls that do not. But whether a poll is good or bad for the president has no bearing on our methodology. We aim to produce the most reliable survey of public opinion possible, and our polls have been widely cited for their rigor,” says the New York Times in a statement via CNN’s Brian Stelter issued in response to the fat bastard’s Thursday meltdown and stupid lawsuit amendment vow over their not favorable poll findings.

The Friday print version of Times’s A1 reads “Few Say Return of Trump Has Improved Life in US.”

We are calling on Governor Walz and Mayor Frey to agree to turning this child predator over to ICE, so this criminal can never prey on innocent American children.

This is exactly what we have been saying: We need state and local law enforcement engagement and information so we… https://t.co/sJhauKMJWr

— Homeland Security (@DHSgov) January 23, 2026

“This is exactly what we have been saying: We need state and local law enforcement engagement and information so we don’t have to have such a presence on the streets. If we work together, we can make America safe again,” the nonsensical tweet continues after the cutoff and Jesus Christ these people can never just admit they fucked up and apologize to the innocent elderly US citizen they harassed and humiliated because they were looking for a guy who’s already in prison.

And has an ICE detainer for deportation so they can just scoop him up when he’s released.

The city of West Haven, Connecticut earlier this month approved a $16,000 contract with an acoustic specialist to try to figure out what the actual hell is causing the godawful persistent low-frequency humming noise emanating from somewhere underground, Fox News reports.

It’s not clear when it actually became noticeable to residents, but city HR commissioner John Carrano’s more than fed up. “My house is the loudest of all the different locations in the area. I would test in the morning and test in the evening. If I saw an elevated decibel reading, I would go up to the industrial zone and test the property line,” said Carrano, adding that his kids can’t hear it.

Weird-ass infrasound hums have tormented people in a number of places over the last few decades, among them Massena, New York near an Alcoa plant and Windsor, Ontario, where the humming is believed to originate from a sketchy, mysterious facility on neighboring Detroit’s Zug Island. Taos, New Mexico has been plagued by a hum that has long defied investigation and of course being New Mexico it’s something something aliens.

The current French government led by Sebastien Lecornu on Friday survived two no confidence votes brought in quick succession over Lecornu’s move to force a new budget that has everyone pissed off, DPA International reports on the still-ongoing shitshow that had some questioning the Fifth Republic’s long-term prospects as a tenable enterprise.

Officers responding to a burglary alarm at a Ridge bank were met with an unexpected intruder when a buck crashed through a window.

As the deer attempted to escape officers were able to safely lasso the animal and guide him to freedom.

Thanks to Seventh Precinct officers. pic.twitter.com/AQOr56nDF1

— Suffolk County Police Department (@SCPDHq) January 22, 2026

Notice how the reel of bodycam footage – which is a pretty funny and wacky chronicle of the buck trashing a bank branch in the rural MAGA part of eastern Long Island – ends before the deer is out of its sight, the cops’ definition of having “guided” him “to freedom” is letting him run into traffic on New York Route 25 – a pretty busy road that runs from Manhattan to Orient Point – rather than the large wooded preserve area out behind the bank from whence he came. Nice work fellas.

National big box retailer Target has ordered employees not to help any customer hide from ICE or otherwise interfere with their operations in a store, the Wall Street Journal reports.

“Dear Prime Minister Carney: Please let this Letter serve to represent that the Board of Peace is withdrawing its invitation to you regarding Canada’s joining, what will be, the most prestigious Board of Leaders ever assembled, at any time,” posted convicted felon President Trump on Thursday.

Ughhhhhhhhhhh, God just end him already. Smite him with thy divine hammer.

“Maybe we should have put NATO to the test: Invoked Article 5, and forced NATO to come here and protect our Southern Border from further Invasions of Illegal Immigrants, thus freeing up large numbers of Border Patrol Agents for other tasks,” the fat bastard posted earlier.

A federal jury on Thursday acquitted 37 year-old Chicago man Juan Espinoza Martinez on one count of murder-for-hire for supposedly posting a $10,000 bounty on the head of diminutive top Border Patrol official Greg Bovino, who kind of dresses like a member of the Nazi SS, the AP reports.

Martinez, a Mexican national who is not a US citizen, had been painted as a “ranking member” of the Latin Kings in state propaganda but District Judge Joan Lefkow barred that from the trial because, sur-fucking-prise, there’s no evidence that he is or has ever been affiliated with the gang.

.@RealTomHoman: This individual "matched the description [of a target] but they couldn't verify his identity because he was uncooperative… So ICE detained him until they found out who he was. ICE can detain a U.S. citizen if they have probable cause that this person may have… https://t.co/NBbahWDcu5 pic.twitter.com/D0bMFxrDdm

— Rapid Response 47 (@RapidResponse47) January 20, 2026

These incompetent fucking dipshits never cease to amaze… As you can see above, the reich was stuck playing defense after dragging apparently 70-something US citizen ChongLy Thao out of his house, in his underwear, simply because he was being uncooperative with their search for Lue Moua, a sex offender they were seeking who had previously lived at that address in Minneapolis.

Want to know why Moua doesn’t live there anymore? According to the Bulwark, he’s been in fucking prison since for a number of charges, including felony kidnapping. Even better: They could’ve just searched the Minnesota Department of Corrections’ public database – or their own as there’s an active ICE detainer on Moua, meaning that they can and probably will take him into custody for deportation upon his anticipated release date in 2027. Again, ICE’s own fucking database says this.