Former Trump White House counsel Pat Cipollone is in “active talks” with the House January 6th Select Committee to testify at one of the upcoming televised hearings, ABC News reports. A condition of Cipollone’s testimony is reportedly that it leave out anything pertaining to his direct interactions with Trump be restricted to exhanges with DOJ coup attempt scumbag former Deputy Attorney General Jeffrey Clark, who is also said to be in talks with the committee to testify publicly.

Total piece of shit former Missouri Governor Eric Greitens leads the Republican primary field to replace retiring Senator Roy Blunt with 26 percent support to Attorney General Eric Schmitt’s 20% and Congresswoman Vicky Hartzler’s 16%, a new Emerson College/The Hill survey finds. Fat White Nationalist bastard Congressman Billy Long and unlicensed “Get off my lawn or I’ll shoot you” attorney Mark McCloskey follow with an abysmal 8% and 4%, respectively. The finding matches the support Greitens’s campaign found in an internal poll they shared with The Hill last month, showing that, in absence of the rapey child abuser dropping out of the race – because it’s clear being credibly accused of hitting his own 3 year old son is going to dent his support among Missouri Republicans – or Trump endorsing one of his rivals, Greitens’ lead is increasingly durable.

Depending on whether or not Greitens ultimately prevails, this race is still almost certain to end, for now at least, the Congressional careers of Hartzler or Long – likely both. Schmitt for his part isn’t up for reelection until 2024, so unlike the other two incumbents he’s not stuck risking his office in a contested primary. At what point do either of them say “Ah fuck it, I’m dropping out and will run for reelection to my House seat”? Both in safe seats and MAGA established enough they need not worry about right wing challengers. Why blow that up chasing a Senate nomination that clearly is going to either Greitens or Schmitt? They didn’t see the look on Georgia Congressman Jody Hice’s face when he realized he flushed his career down the toilet by hilariously losing the goddamn Secretary of State primary there? Or Dem Pennsylvania Congressman Conor Lamb after he got annihilated by a guy in the hospital in that Senate primary? Dumbasses.

Former New Jersey gym owner and unrepentant MAGA asshole Ian Smith, famous for defying state-ordered COVID-19 closures back in 2020, and fresh off his recent DWI arrest (didn’t kill anyone this time), was defeated in the GOP primary for New Jersey’s 3rd District by some capitalist dweeb named Bob Healey on Tuesday, NJ.com reports. The race to take on incumbent Dem Congressman Andy Kim wasn’t even close – Smith lost to Healy by 25 points.

Thinking I should just make my first campaign shirt @AndyKimNJ cleaning up this horrendous water bottle wreckage. pic.twitter.com/sO2rD2o4OS

— Ian Smith (@iansmithfitness) March 25, 2022

This tweet still totally owned the libs at the time. Those sky screaming socialist losers really took a beating when Smith mocked Kim for helping to clean up the mess the MAGA rioters left on Jan 6th.

Burger King Austria’s new "Pride Whopper" is causing controversy https://t.co/jO7vexRNCo pic.twitter.com/2VosW3fAmb

— The Hill (@thehill) June 8, 2022

• Democratic incumbent California Governor Gavin Newsom will finish with more than 60% of the vote, but he’ll face Brian Dahle, the second-place finisher.
• The San Francisco District Attorney Chesa Boudin, a high-profile advocate for progressive justice policies, has been recalled.
• I don’t know if Ryan Zinke has won the GOP nomination for Montana’s only House seat, but it’s basically even with 57% reporting.  Trumpism isn’t playing in the Great Plains anymore.
• Incumbent Kristi Noem won the GOP nomination for South Dakota governor, but nearly a quarter of Republicans voted against her, showing a lot of weakness for an incumbent GOP governor.

A California federal judge on Tuesday ordered insufferable worm MAGA lawyer John Eastman to hand another 159 documents over to the House January 6th Select Committee pursuant to their subpoena, finding that, yet again, Eastman’s claim of a privileged attorney client relationship with Trump was null and void due to a preponderance of criminality evidenced in the material.

The FBI and the Justice Department are investigating retired four-star Marine General John R. Allen, currently the head of the Brookings Institute, for illegally lobbying for Qatar, lying to federal agents about his lobbying efforts, and hiding evidence sought in a subpoena about the issue, the New York Times reports.

Allen, who retired from the military in 2013, allegedly took money to lobby the Trump Administration in 2017 as Qatar was in a feud with its Middle East neighbors Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates, with Donald Trump voicing support for his sword-dancing partners in Saudi Arabia.  (After Trump’s support for Saudi Arabia and his ambivalence toward the Saudis murdering an America-based journalist, the Saudi ruling family gave Trump’s son-in-law $2 billion.)

“John Allen voluntarily cooperated with the government’s investigation into this matter. John Allen’s efforts with regard to Qatar in 2017 were to protect the interests of the United States and the military personnel stationed in Qatar. John Allen received no fee for his efforts,” a spokesman for Allen said in a statement.

Republican South Dakota Senator John Thune, Moscow Mitch’s right hand man, easily defeated the Trump-backed primary challenger in his Tuesday primary, NBC News projects. Trump, who on December 23, 2020 tweeted “Republicans in the Senate so quickly forget. Right now they would be down 8 seats without my backing them in the last Election. RINO John Thune, ‘Mitch’s boy’, should just let it play out. South Dakota doesn’t like weakness. He will be primaried in 2022, political career over!!!” ended up not actually endorsing any candidate to run against Thune, thus making him a winner by default, and his political career decidedly not over yet in 2022.

This joke would’ve worked better if Thune was running unopposed in the primary, which on April 1st we incorrectly reported was the case for both the primary and general election, based on what now turns out to be bad information (Fuck you Howie Klein). Two scrubs not worth mentioning did in fact run against Thune in the GOP primary and there is a lone Dem facing him in November as well.

Trump should seriously consider endorsing Democrat Brian Bengs if he wants to make sure the “RINO” scumbag Thune gets what he deserves for his “weakness” and betraying him in 2020.

Republican Mississippi 4th Congressional District Congressman Steven Palazzo failed to get 50% of the vote in the Republican primary, so he will be forced into a runoff, likely against Jackson County Sheriff Mike Ezell, the New York Times reports.

Palazzo has faced a number of corruption charges during his five terms in Congress.  Most recently, critics allege he directed more than $100,000 of donations to his family-owned accounting firm.

Seven states–California, Iowa, Mississippi, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico and South Dakota–are holding primaries that will be the most important primaries in the history of everything.  Okay, maybe not, but with CNN giving up on the Breaking News chyron, I thought we’d try it out here.  Most of them are yawners, to be honest.  There are a few races that will be interesting to follow, though:

• Montana Republican House Primary:  Will Republicans resurrect former Trump-era Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke from the dead?
• California Governor’s “jungle” primary:  Gavin Newsom’s likely to win reelection because he was victorious in a recall election about a year ago, but how strong will be the challenging field?
• Los Angeles Mayor special election:  Will a “Democratic” candidate who once greeted Donald Trump onstage after a presidential debate, Rick Caruso, have spent enough to buy a spot in the fall run-off?
• Los Angeles Sheriff special election:  Will incumbent Alex Villanueva be able to make it through various misconduct and corruption scandals after swinging far-right even though he campaigned on an anti-Trump, reform agenda.

A totally biased MAGA juror caused a Manhattan federal judge to declare a mistrial in the case of Timothy Shea, one of Steve Bannon’s three accomplices in the “We Build the Wall” scam on Tuesday, the New York Times reports. The lone asshole called his 11 fellow jurors “liberals”, said the case against Shea was a “government witch hunt”, and refused to consider any of the evidence in front of him, even though two of Shea’s pals already pleaded guilty and Bannon admitted guilt when he accepted the last-minute pardon from disgraced former President Trump.

See Trump fans, this is what actually fucking happens when a juror is compromised by his or her political beliefs. The bullshit excuse you tried when that Sussman guy walked last week might have actually carried some weight if the 2 or 3 jurors who donated to Hillary and/or AOC had refused to convict because it was a “Durham witch hunt” and it had ended in a mistrial. Instead they agreed unanimously on the not guilty verdict because your heroes failed to prove to them Sussman committed a crime, in case you stupid assholes forgot how common law trials work.

Don’t celebrate for Shea just yet though, fanboys. SDNY said they’ll bring the charges again. Just hope there aren’t any “We Build The Wall” backers who got ripped off secretly on the among the next set of jurors. Then it might really be a “rigged jury” with compromised donors

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— Los Angeles County Registrar-Recorder/County Clerk (@LACountyRRCC) June 4, 2022

Pennsylvania Republican US Senate nominee Mehmet Oz is so freaking cool – Turkish army veteran, heart surgeon, daytime TV host, bestselling author – that he doesn’t have to be actually registered to vote in the same state as the one where he ran a successful primary campaign and is now in the heat of the general election. Just check it out here. He’s even an “active” voter in New Jersey. Says he’s Republican too. You can tell by the red elephant. Elephants rule. They have tusks and trunks.

“At my hearing, is [the magistrate judge] would not let me make a phone call to get legal advice at that point,” grumpy old white man who was arrested for thinking he’s above the law Peter Navarro whine on a Newsmax show hosted by serial sexual harrasser Eric Bolling.  “I was denied legal advice until right before I got before that magistrate.  Right off the bat, that, you, like…  Look, illegal aliens, everything from illegal aliens to al Qaeda terrorists were treated better than I was that day.  [Bolling utters a supportive “Yeah,” to Navarro’s absurd comparison.].  I get to the jail cell and it’s like leg irons, handcuffs, strip-searched, no food, no water, no access to anything.  Solitary confinement, and [laugh wheeze] it’s just like, I’m thinkin’ to myself, this, this feels like Stalinist Russia or Mao Zedong, Xi Jinping China, and make no mistake about this…”

Navarro fails to understand that many al Qaeda terrorists were tortured at the hands of American officials.  They were denied trials, held in solitary for years without any adjudication, restrained naked on a box, and not given bail.  So his four- to six-hour stay in custody, after which he was released so he could appear on television, doesn’t seem that much of an inconvenience for the über-offended Navarro.

A bill passed by the Pennsylvania state senate with only Republican support has bipartisan critics saying it’s designed to raise consumer prices and turn public water utilities operating in the state into private companies, the Associated Press reports.

Passed Tuesday by the gerrymandered-assisted GOP-dominated state senate, the bill would water utilities–regardless of whether they are publicly or privately owned–to meet significantly increased regulations.  If public utilities cannot meet the new requirements, they will be forced to raise rates or sell their operations to for-profit companies which will presumably make the upgrades without being granted amnesty by their Republican lackeys.

The bill was backed by two major for-profit water companies in the state, Aqua America and Pennsylvania American Water, which would benefit from having multiple smaller providers being unable to comply with the Republican-written regulations.

NASA/JPL/CalTech

Okay, so it’s not those types of stars we’re talking about, but five of the solar systems eight planets–not including Pluto, which was demoted like an Army general caught having an affair–will be in general alignment starting overnight in the southeast sky.  In the early morning hours, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn will be in the same quadrant of the sky, with a near-perfect alignment coming June 23rd.

The last time this happened was in 2003; the next time it will happen is in 2040.  And in case you’re wondering, all planets will be in conjuction–that is, lined up on basically the same line from the Sun to Uranus–in May of 2492, which will surely cause a gravitational shift that will shatter the Earth and cause great chaos in the solar system.

Famous actor guy Matthew McConaughey, a native of Uvalde, Texas, where a crazed gunman slaughtered 19 children and 2 adults in an elementary school last month, gave an impassioned speech in the White House press briefing room on Tuesday and obviously he wasn’t there to defend the sacred right for some angry piece of shit to own an AR-15, leaving the fanboys pretty twisted.

The Uvalde Consolidated Independent School District police chief, Pete Arredondo, skipped his first meeting as a member of the city council Tuesday, a special meeting called to discuss the aftermath of the massacre at the Robb Elementary School, which was Arredondo’s responsibility to protect, Business Insider reports.

Saying he would comment on Arrendondo’s absence, Mayor Don McLaughlin said the council “wanted facts and answers like everybody else,” but “Pete Arredondo was elected by the people in his district.  It is up to his district and his people and Mr. Arredondo to what he wants to do.”

Arrendondo, and law enforcement in general, have been harshly criticized for its inept response to the attack at the elementary school that allowed the shooter to remain in the classroom with children and teachers for more than 80 minutes before a federal ATF assault team breached the door.  Various reports have said that children were killed during that time, with one father saying his wounded son bled out as police waited to stop the gunman.

Wisconsin MAGA terrorist Douglas Uhde died Tuesday of a gunshot wound inflicted on himself shortly after he murdered retired Judge John Roemer on Friday, the AP reports. Uhde has been on life support since cops found him lying on the floor in the basement of Roemer’s home, having been trapped after enacting his revenge against the judge for sentencing him to six years in prison for a 2005 burglary. A list found on Uhde indicated he planned to kill Wisconsin Governor Tony Evers and Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer, which would have been a horrible tragedy had he somehow managed to pull it off. Uhde also planned to kill Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.