“Indianapolis Zoo President and CEO Dr Rob Shumaker sustained an injury while feeding a chimpanzee through a mesh barrier last week. The tip of Dr Shumaker’s finger was bitten, and he received medical attention for the wound. Dr Shumaker has recovered, and the chimpanzee has no ill-effects. The incident was reported to the zoo’s accrediting body, the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, and was reported internally to relevant staff and to the zoo’s board chair.”

“Dr Shumaker is a primatologist who has spent his career researching and interacting with great apes and the incident occurred during a standard feeding interaction,” said the Indianapolis Zoo in a statement to Fox59 on Tuesday, with the “no ill-effects” part heavily implying the chimp could’ve gotten AIDS or rabies or something from biting Shumaker but tested negative.

Also if you’ve ever seen NOPE or heard of the Travis incident in 2010 you know what a “standard feeding interaction” could turn into, so just stay the hell away from chimpanzees at all costs.

Four US soldiers were killed in unclear circumstances after going missing Tuesday during a training exercise in Lithuania, the AP reports citing a statement from NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte.

“This is still early news so we do not know the details. This is really terrible news and our thoughts are with the families and loved ones,” Rutte told reporters in Warsaw. A Pentagon official confirmed this but would only say they died in an accident during the exercise. Lithuanian public media said the soldiers went missing on Tuesday during maneuvers at the General Silvestras Zukauskas training ground in Pabradė, a town located less than 6 miles from the border with Belarus.

Newsmax guy Rob Scmitt this week found himself not quite sure how to tell MAGA Congressman Greg Murphy that the drastic cuts to Medicaid he’s plainly excited about might be kind of bad for people out in impoverished Red States whose votes the GOP kind of counts on.

As expected, Texas MAGA Congressman Randy “Pussy” Weber on Wednesday introduced his censure of Lone Star State Dem Jasmine Crockett over her calling Greg Abbott “Governor Hot Wheels” while also, as not expected, Weber added in a second “whereas” condemning Crockett for mocking QAdulteress Marjorie Taylor Greene‘s “bleach blonde bad-built butch body” last year.

“Whereas on March 22, 2025, Representative Jasmine Crockett of Texas spoke at a Human Rights Campaign event in a manner unbecoming of a Member of Congress, calling the Governor of Texas, Greg Abbott, ‘Governor Hot Wheels’, and a ‘hot ass mess’; and Whereas the remarks from Representative Crockett are discriminatory in nature and are the latest in a continued series of inappropriate comments expressed by Representative Crockett, such as on May 16, 2024, during a hearing of the Committee on Oversight and Accountability, when Representative Crockett espoused inflammatory comments about the appearance of another Member of Congress. Now, therefore be it Resolved, that Representative Jasmine Crockett of Texas be censured,” wrote Weber or his staff.

Not really understanding the “such as” part of that. Why does Pussy write the date and setting of the “inflammatory comment” but not the comment itself? He included the “Governor Hot Wheels” and “hot ass mess” lines into the resolution so why not also spell out the “bleach blonde bad-built butch body” one too? And, maybe more importantly, if that was such a problem, why were he and the rest of the Republicans too chickenshit to try to censure Crockett for that back then?

CBP: “While US Customs and Border Protection (CBP) has seen a 48 percent increase of raw/fresh eggs seized at the northern and southern border ports of entry compared to last year, different types of eggs are arriving at a different port of entry in the Midwest. Starting in February CBP Agriculture Specialists (CBPAS) in Louisville see an increase in hatching egg shipment, and there have already been three seizures related to hatching eggs in March alone at the Louisville Port of Entry. Over two weeks, March 6 to March 20, CBPAS in Louisville seized 39 hatching eggs. Hatching eggs are all avian species to include poultry, game birds, racing pigeons, and other birds – if there is a market for a live bird someone will try to import hatching eggs for them.”

“These live eggs are shipped to the US for hatching or reproduction purposes. The eggs are commonly destined to be incubated, hatched and then raised. For agriculture purposes, hatching eggs fall under the regulations for live animals (9CRF) and are highly regulated because they can carry Newcastle disease and/or Avian Influenza (HPAI). The three shipments arrived March 6, March 16, and March 19. The first two shipments from Turkey were heading to New York and Nevada. The latest shipment arrived from Romania and was transiting to Costa Rica. In 2024, Louisville CBPAS seized 25 shipments containing a total of 519 eggs. They arrived from Turkey, Belgium, Romania, Singapore, and were heading to both stateside locations and other countries.”

Testifying in a criminal trial over incidents that occurred during the 2021 production of Les Volets Verts, French actor Gerard Depardieu on Wednesday told a court that “Sexual assault is something more serious than” grabbing a woman’s derriere… “But a hand on someone’s buttocks, it’s not… (that),” when asked about allegations by one of the two plaintiffs that he had groped her, Reuters reports, adding that later Depardieu also said he didn’t know what “sexual assault” meant.

Then Depardieu said he “did not touch her buttocks, I did not touch her breasts, I did none of that.”

Huh, sounds awfully familiar. Not just that a 76 year old lion of French cinema worth over $200 million, probably about 130 lbs overweight feels entitled to do whatever he wants to whatever woman crosses his path and has a long history of being accused of such, including from a woman who later committed suicide. It’s the whole “I didn’t do it, but even if I did it’s not a crime” that translates all too well to American audiences, particularly the ones who follow politics these days.

No way Depardieu’s a fan of Marine Le Pen. That’d be just too goddamned on the nose.

Hahahaha… Holy shit, there’s a round two of this hearing in the House on Wednesday, less that two hours after CIA Director John Ratcliffe and Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard’s Tuesday assertions, made under oath, that there was no classified information in their Signal chat were completely blown up by the Atlantic’s follow-up article displaying the entirety of the chat.

Well you probably already guessed. On Tuesday watchdog group American Oversight sued white nationalist binge drinker former Fox News host Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth and his texting buddies John Ratcliffe, Tulsi Gabbard, Marco Rubio, and Scott Bessent over a “failure to meet their obligations under the Federal Records Act regarding messages from a group-chat discussion of planned and active military operations from March 11, 2025, through March 15, 2025, on the messaging application Signal, which can be set up to automatically delete messages.”

So yeah, on Wednesday Politico’s Kyle Cheney reported that the case has landed in front of none other than DC Circuit Court Judge James Boasberg, the very same jurist that MAGA world has been screaming at and threatening to impeach for weeks over his demands for accountability from the Trump Regime over their quasi-genocidal abuses of Venezuelan migrants. Should be fun.

Said Tulsia Gabbard to the Senate Intel Committee of Tuesday: “There was no classified material that was shared in that Signal group,” CIA Director John Ratcliffe to the same hearing: “My communications, to be clear, in the Signal message group were entirely permissible and lawful and did not include classified information.” Convicted felon President Trump, to reporters in the White House: “It wasn’t classified information.” The Atlantic on Wednesday morning: “About that…”

This pisses me off.

Trump won this district by 15 points and Republicans didn’t turn out.

But, what pisses me off equally is that if the 473 Libertarians would have just voted Republican we’d have won the seat anyway.

The Democrats are fired up and funded. An Illinois PAC… pic.twitter.com/uGG9IbuKJA

— Joey Mannarino (@JoeyMannarinoUS) March 26, 2025

Continued irritable Pennsylvania MAGA douchebag Joey Mannarino after the cutoff in the tweet: “An Illinois PAC donated $100,000 to the Democrat in this race. Republicans are hardly donating to down ballot races any longer. I know. I do fundraising. It’s down dramatically. You think we won anything yet? You think they can’t take it all away? The game is just beginning. Don’t get lazy!”

Meh. If he’s crying and panicking then that’s fun, but it’s really not earth-shattering news that a Dem’s going to win a special, even in a hardcore MAGA district. The only thing this result is a harbinger of is what’s already been happening for years: Dem voters show up for low-turnout specials and the candidates overperform. Now MAYBE some eggheads want to do an analysis and demonstrate that the degree of overperformance in this particular election and the other one that the Dem won easily is significantly higher than would have been expected compared to that of specials conducted in similarly demographically-composed jurisdictions last year.

That would be worth looking at. For now though, anyone on the left or right who writes “OMG THE DEMOCRAT FLIPPED AN R+15 SEAT!” like it’s a surprise is just master-click-baiting. Also doesn’t help when Joey can’t even get his fucking math right, as the delta was 797 votes.

Edward “Big Balls” Coristine, 19, and a key member of Ketamine Brain’s DOGE squad, once provided tech support to a cybercrime gang that trafficked in stolen data and stalked an FBI agent, Reuters reports on exactly the kind of guy who should have access to the entire Social Security database.

A new FBI and Department of Homeland Security assessment memo obtained by ABC News stupidly forgets to play up dipshit Attorney General Pam Bondi’s moronic assertion that the attacks on Tesla dealerships are being coordinated by some sophisticated domestic terrorist group.

It also hilariously says the libs are outwitting them by committing the attacks at night, lol. “These criminal actions appear to have been conducted by lone offenders, and all known incidents occurred at night, making identification and arrest of the actors difficult,” the assessment dated March 21, says. “While they may perceive these attacks as victimless property crimes, these tactics can cause accidental or intentional bodily harm. Some individuals with political or social goals are likely to view the publicity surrounding these past incidents as validation that these tactics are successful in drawing public attention, and they may be galvanized to engage in similar violence.”

“Coatimundi Attacks Hiker. On Sunday, March 23, 2025, the Cochise County Sheriff’s Office was contacted about a wild animal attack in Ash Canyon south of Sierra Vista. A USDA Wildlife Specialist responded to the area and could not locate the animal, however he will return later tonight/early in the morning to search again. The man who was attacked advised that he was hiking in the area, and upon returning to his vehicle he observed a coatimundi on his hood,” says a Facebook post from the Cochise County, Arizona Sheriff’s Office and this would be a good time to explain what the fuck a coatimundi is: A relative of cacomistles, coatis, kinkajous, olingos, and olinguitos.

And raccoons. Actually raccoons would probably be the best point of reference here given that kinkajous and olingos sound like those vicious apex predators from Oompa-Loompa land.

Continued from the Cochise Sheriff: “The hiker advised that he shouted and waved his arms to get the animal to leave at which time the animal tore off a windshield wiper of the vehicle before jumping down and attacking the man. The man was able to get inside of his vehicle but not before the animal scratched and bit him, leaving injuries requiring medical attention. The man is receiving the rabies vaccine at a local hospital as a precaution before traveling back to his home in Tucson. The animal will be tested for rabies upon locating it and we encourage people spending time in rural / mountainous areas to be aware of their surroundings and not attempt to engage any wild animal.”

As of Tuesday afternoon wildlife officials were still looking for the fucker, per KTAR.

From the text of convicted felon President Trump’s Tuesday executive order on voting: “To enforce the Federal prohibition on foreign nationals voting in Federal elections: “Within 30 days of the date of this order, the Election Assistance Commission shall take appropriate action to require, in its national mail voter registration form issued under 52 USC 20508:(A) documentary proof of United States citizenship, consistent with” blah blah blah “‘documentary proof of United States citizenship’ shall include a copy of: (A) a United States passport; (B) an identification document compliant with the requirements of the REAL ID Act of 2005 (Public Law 109-13, Div B) that indicates the applicant is a citizen of the United States; (C) an official military identification card that indicates the applicant is a citizen of the United States; or (D) a valid Federal or State government-issued photo identification if such identification indicates that the applicant is a United States citizen or if such identification is otherwise accompanied by proof of United States citizenship.”

Oh gosh, if only people who had passports or access to their birth certificates or had their shit together enough to go to the DMV and get that stupid “real ID” thing could’ve voted in the last election. Might have unfairly disadvantaged one side over another and probably not the one that votes based on which candidate appeared on their favorite podcast or Charlamagne Tha Twat.

Well the ACLU or Marc Elias is going to fuck this order up for years anyway so whatever.

“As temperatures rise with the season changing, Mosquito Joe®, a Neighborly® company, and the leading pest control service, is urging homeowners and business owners to take early preventive measures against mosquitoes and ticks before peak season arrives as well as preventing perimeter pests from invading the home. Recognized with a Gold Level designation by the US Environmental Protection Agency’s (EPA) Pesticide Environmental Stewardship Program (PESP), Mosquito Joe remains committed to environmentally responsible pest control as the 2025 mosquito season begins. Experts predict a longer and more intense season due to rising global temperatures and increased precipitation, creating ideal breeding conditions for pests. The urgency for early prevention is further heightened by last year’s spike in mosquito-borne illnesses in the US, including Eastern equine encephalitis (EEE) and Dengue Fever,” says a Mosquito Joe PR release.

“‘Mosquito activity is already ramping up in many regions due to fluctuating temperatures and lingering moisture from recent storms, which signals a potentially intense season ahead,’ said David Price, Associate Certified Entomologist for Mosquito Joe. ‘Taking action now can help property owners prevent infestations before they start, reducing the nuisance and health risks associated with these pests.'” Oh wow, they even have a CERTIFIED ENTOMOLOGIST on the team! Better listen to the experts and call Mosquito Joe’s because they’re just looking out for you and there’s no sort of bias, interest, or – for heaven’s sake – a profit motive in this totally altruistic, friendly press release!

Fucking dicks. They probably even secretly developed a plague that would wipe mosquitos off the face of the Earth but won’t release it because it would be suicide for their business model.

During another one of his overlong and meandering afternoon sundowns, convicted felon President Trump on Tuesday signed an order declassifying all the files concerning the FBI’s investigation into his 2016 campaign, something he could’ve done at pretty much any point during his first failed term and – more importantly – will probably be a repeat of the “Epstein Files” where his fanboys act like it’s a “BOMBSHELL” and in reality not only is there nothing new but he went out of the way to avoid releasing anything that could ever even come close to incriminating himself.

Absolutely shameful.

Jasmine Crockett is the face of the Democrat party and they all support her.

Just let her talk because the ads write themselves, and America finds out everything they need to know about who the Democrats really are. https://t.co/Qhpqrl5Gkt

— Marjorie Taylor Greene 🇺🇸 (@mtgreenee) March 25, 2025

In related news, Texas MAGA Congressman Randy “Pussy” Weber on Tuesday introduced a censure resolution against Crockett for the “Governor Hot Wheels” comment.

“Attorney General Ken Paxton issued a Civil Investigative Demand (‘CID’) to Community Capital Partners, LP (‘CCP’) as part of an ongoing investigation into CCP’s real estate development, EPIC City. The development, near Josephine, Texas, is affiliated with the East Plano Islamic Center (‘EPIC’). CCP is a corporate entity that was established by EPIC. Additionally, promotional materials advertised by EPIC have explicitly stated that not only was CCP ‘created by EPIC,’ but that EPIC is the ‘only beneficiary of profits’ from EPIC City. The CID aims to acquire material relevant to an investigation regarding potential violations of Texas consumer protection laws. ‘Under my watch, there will be zero tolerance for any person or entity that breaks Texas law,’ said Attorney General Paxton. ‘My office has an open and ongoing investigation into EPIC City, which has raised a number of concerns, and this CID will help ensure that any potential violation of state law is uncovered,'” says a press release from Picasso-faced Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton’s office after somebody fucked up and forgot to bribe him for what QAnon freak Lara Logan claims is an “Islamic mega city.”