The fucking idiot also forgot the word “stroller” when acknowledging that prices are going up.

In another pretty interesting development in the world of right wing Stolen Valor, WAFB in Louisiana last week obtained a March 31st legal brief by the state’s Office of Special Counsel recommending 19th Judicial District Judge Tiffany Foxworth-Roberts be removed from the bench for having lied about her service and rank achieved during her career as an Army officer in her campaign ads before she was elected in 2020 as well as false statements to police over a possible insurance scam involving the supposed theft of a $19,000 engagement ring from her vehicle the same year.

“The evidence was overwhelming that Judge Foxworth-Roberts’ conduct constituted egregious unethical conduct, necessitating a severe penalty,” wrote Michael Bewers, assistant special counsel to the state judicial commission. “Foxworth-Roberts’ egregious misconduct, including a severe lack of cooperation, were calculated, deliberate, and in bad faith to further her own self-interests, and avoid detecting. Her persistent and public conduct prejudicial to the administration of justice that brings the judicial office into disrepute more than justify a recommendation of removal from office.”

Foxworth-Roberts ran as a Democrat, but touted herself in at least one campaign ad as being all about “conservative family values” and “pro-life,” “pro-traditional marriage,” “crime fighter,” “pro-military,” and “pro-veteran” in another, per the Independent. The ads also mentioned that she served as “both an enlisted soldier and commissioned officer during Desert Storm, Iraq, and Afghanistan wars,” for which the brief notes that she would’ve been 16 years old during the first Iraq War.

“REBUILD, AND OPEN ALCATRAZ! For too long, America has been plagued by vicious, violent, and repeat Criminal Offenders, the dregs of society, who will never contribute anything other than Misery and Suffering. When we were a more serious Nation, in times past, we did not hesitate to lock up the most dangerous criminals, and keep them far away from anyone they could harm. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. No longer will we tolerate these Serial Offenders who spread filth, bloodshed, and mayhem on our streets. That is why, today, I am directing the Bureau of Prisons, together with the Department of Justice, FBI, and Homeland Security, to reopen a substantially enlarged and rebuilt ALCATRAZ, to house America’s most ruthless and violent Offenders. We will no longer be held hostage to criminals, thugs, and Judges that are afraid to do their job and allow us to remove criminals, who came into our Country illegally. The reopening of ALCATRAZ will serve as a symbol of Law, Order, and JUSTICE. We will, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Sunday, evidently having just watched the extremely lame 2002 Steven Seagal and Ja Rule actioner Half-Past Dead in which Alcatraz reopens under similarly stupid circumstances.

The fat fuck also thinks he can tariff foreign films, posting “The Movie Industry in America is DYING a very fast death. Other Countries are offering all sorts of incentives to draw our filmmakers and studios away from the United States. Hollywood, and many other areas within the USA, are being devastated. This is a concerted effort by other Nations and, therefore, a National Security threat. It is, in addition to everything else, messaging and propaganda! Therefore, I am authorizing the Department of Commerce, and the United States Trade Representative, to immediately begin the process of instituting a 100 percent Tariff on any and all Movies coming into our Country that are produced in Foreign Lands. WE WANT MOVIES MADE IN AMERICA, AGAIN!” very obviously having no idea how important foreign markets – China especially – are to the US film industry and inviting an absolute fucking catastrophe if they retaliate and block Hollywood’s access to their theaters.

For the second time in a single week the center-left party of a large British Dominion country that appeared to be doomed before convicted felon President Trump returned to office turned things around in a snap election, bolstering the incumbent prime minister’s political standing and, adding insult to injury for the center-right wingers, their leader lost his seat in Parliament, 9News reports.

There were some differences as the Tories in Canada definitely did better than the LNP in Australia, gaining 23 seats mostly at the expense of smaller parties while Canadian Libs gained 17. Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney’s Libs are three seats short of a majority and will need to scrape up a few from the minor parties to form a coalition, whereas his Australian counterpart Anthony Albanese’s party now holds 86 seats in the 150-seat House. Tory leader Pierre Poilievre will soon have another shot to return to Parliament by running in a byelection in Alberta after the Tory MP there gave up his seat (the dude previously repped a district right outside Ottawa. Why the hell he’s allowed to suddenly just pretend he’s from a town 1,000 miles west is unclear). It does not appear that Australian LNP leader Peter Dutton – the first ever opposition leader in Aussie history to lose their seat in a national election – will be so lucky as there’s no similar tradition down under.

There’s one other major difference in the first national elections held in the two most America-like of foreign countries since November 2024, the one billed in the headline: An explicitly pro-Trump upstart party called “Trumpet of Patriots” – its slogan “Make Australia Great Again” as if the name wasn’t making it obvious enough – was completely shut out of the election, winning zero seats, and may very well be closing down altogether as the Nightly reports its leader Suellen Wrightson locked her social media accounts after conceding defeat in her run for a New South Wales seat.

Two obviously MAGA teenagers – one of them an unnamed 17 year-old juvenile, the other a 19 year-old registered Republican voter – tried to blame “Mexicans” for having ignited a wildfire that consumed over 15,000 acres in New Jersey’s Ocean County last month before cops obtained text messages revealing that they were obviously full of shit, the New York Post reports.

Joseph Kling, of Waretown, and his accomplice ignited a stack of wooden pallets and simply walked away from the scene on April 22nd, which then began spreading. It’s not clear how police got on their trail but in the initial interview the two claimed that “Mexicans” were responsible, only to have that lie burned when cops searched their phones. Kling and the juvenile were charged with aggravated arson and hindering apprehension, and Kling was hit with an additional count of arson.

In an interview taped on Thursday but to be aired Sunday, convicted felon President Trump told NBC’s Kristen Welker that “the good parts are the Trump economy and the bad parts are Biden economy,” and then doubled down on kids not needing so much stuff, however he bumped “two dolls” up to “three dolls or four dolls” and “they don’t need to have 250 pencils, they can have five.”

The fat bastard also said “I don’t know” when asked whether he had any obligation to follow the Constitution and cried “this is such a dishonest interview” when challenged on his bullshit claims that prices are going down. Overall it was a huge win for the MAGA dickheads who like this shit.

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky on Saturday issued a not-terribly veiled threat of a violent attack on Moscow’s May 9th World War II victory celebration, telling Interfax Agency that “we cannot bear responsibility for what happens on the territory of the Russian Federation,” while also warning of a false flag at the parade set to be attended by Chinese dictator Xi Jinping, DPA reports.

Russian dictator Vladimir Putin unilaterally declared a three-day ceasefire to come into effect May 8th, hoping that Kyiv wouldn’t attack during their big shindig. Zelensky refused to agree after Moscow shot down a counter-proposal to extend the ceasefire to 30 days into June.

Late last month, as part of a much longer piece on the “NO RAGRETS” Trump voters, the Chicago Tribune checked in with Woodstock, Illinois paper straw manufacturer Gaetano “Guy” Spinelli, previously profiled by the Washington Post in early March after his business, Boss Straw, suddenly became collateral damage in the Orange Ayatollah’s jihad on eco-friendly alternatives to plastic straws out of mere personal distaste. Spinelli had spent his life savings developing and standing up a factory – obviously based in the United States and ostensibly employing American citizens in cranking out the straws. He did not at any point have federal supply contracts, yet his buyers for reasons opaque took the fat bastard’s executive order banning government purchases of paper straws as a sign that the public’s preferences were headed in the same direction, canceling their orders and decimating Spinelli’s business as they apparently switched back to plastic.

The Tribune writes that Spinelli – who in 2023 received free advertising and a rave review of his product from Fox News douchebro Jesse Watters – has sent five letters and a dozen emails to the White House urging the convicted felon president to try it and see for himself. “I even sent him a box of straws,” Spinelli said. You’re smart and you already guessed what response he received.

“He’s put me from a profitable picture to a nonprofitable company,” Spinelli told the Tribune. “And my product is a strong product. I’ve got a paper straw that lasts two weeks in any drink, hot or cold,” without affecting the taste of the beverage one is consuming out of a Boss Straw.

pic.twitter.com/x2HrR939tn

— The White House (@WhiteHouse) May 3, 2025

Hardcore Putin minion and former Russian President and Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev on Saturday took issue with convicted felon President Trump’s insane revisionism on American contributions to World War II, Reuters reports on the fat bastard again pissing off his allies.

“Trump recently announced that the US made the biggest contribution to victory in World War Two and that he will introduce a special holiday on May 8. A holiday is not a bad thing, but his first statement is pretentious nonsense,” Medvedev posted on shitty Russian Facebook clone VK. “Our people sacrificed 27 million lives of their sons and daughters in the name of destroying accursed fascism. Therefore, Victory Day is ours and it is May 9! So it was, so it is, so it will always be!”

Shark. Chomp. Blood. Boat. Explode. Amity. Death. Roy. Beach. Mayor. Screaming. Teeth.

Japanese Finance Minister Katsunobu Kato on Friday told a TV station that the country’s massive holdings in US Treasuries are on the table in trade negotiations with the Trump Regime, which is kind of like an economic Hirosh- er, nuclear option against the United States, the Japan Times reports.

“It does exist as a card,” said Kato when asked if Japan’s stance of not selling treasuries could be a negotiation tool with the Trump Regim. “Whether or not we use that card is a different decision.”

Charles Schwab capitalist something Kathy Jones freaked the fuck out when asked to comment on Kato’s statement. “This is a very serious tactic to discuss publicly. Just the threat of it could have implications for the Treasury market, although I think Japan’s finance officials are smart enough to know that actually following through on it could be harmful to their own economy,” said Jones.

Fucking AI’s such a pain in the ass. Two goddamned hours with ChatGPT making progress on an obnoxious “VATICAN DECIDES 2025” graphic only to get shit like “You’re absolutely right – and I get why this is frustrating. Yes, I did previously generate an image that included the phrase ‘VATICAN DECIDES’ before the system flagged and halted further edits based on that phrase. Since then, additional safeguards kicked in that now block any attempts to continue generating variants with that specific combination of real-world religious context and political framing — even when the intent is clearly parody or satire.” Every image I would ever want to make for National Zero reasons is always in some way restricted because of the unilateral disarmament of “the establishment.”

This whole Pope situation requires a VERY subtle and poorly-defined aesthetic mapping the insipidity of cable news election coverage and Nate Silver/Steve Kornacki-ism onto the conclave, not the pussy-ass-bitchery of these goddamned “safeguards” that freaking ChatGPT will give me suggestions on how to circumvent and then tell me that it wasn’t actually circumvented.

Anyway USA Today reports a crew at the Vatican installed the smoke chimney ahead of the conclave. ChatGPT drained the creative energy I’d had to make it into a joke about media hype.

“Tesla has not paid Sun Coast for millions of dollars of fuel it Sun Coast delivered. Tesla’s only reason for not paying Sun Coast is that Sun Coast has allegedly not ot paying complied with its requirements for invoice submittals. To the contrary, Sun Coast has jumped through all of Tesla’s proverbial hoops and provided all the documentation Tesla has requested, often multiple times, and Tesla continues to delay and make excuses as to why it has not paid for products that it knows it received,” says the intro to a complaint filed in a Harris County, Texas court against Ketamine Brain’s exploding electric car company by Sun Coast Resources, Inc, alleging Tesla has fucked them out of $2 million in utility payments, obtained by The Independent.

“Prime Minister Mark Carney says he told [Tory] Leader Pierre Poilievre he would trigger a byelection as soon as Poilievre can find a vacant seat. ‘No games,’ says Carney,” per the Toronto Star’s Rob Benzie. Copied that verbatim as unsure what it means exactly but it seems like Carney’s throwing his newly-unemployed rival a mulligan and helping him find a way back into Parliament.

“NOW COMES Plaintiff, the state of Maine, and Defendants, the United States Department of Agriculture and Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins, and hereby jointly file the instant status report pursuant to the Court’s Order on Joint Motion to Extend Temporary Restraining Order (Dkt #16, Apr 16, 2025), which requires the parties to update the Court regarding the scheduling of a preliminary injunction hearing by May 2, 2025 The parties write to inform the Court that they have executed a settlement agreement which fully and finally resolves the pending matter The state of Maine will file a voluntary dismissal of its claims with prejudice in this matter pursuant to Federal Rule of Civil Procedure 41(a)(1)(A)(i) See D Me Local R 41.1(a)(1) (‘parties must promptly notify when an action has been settled’ and ‘must file the papers necessary to terminate the action’) Upon entry of the dismissal, the matter will be resolved, thereby obviating the need to schedule a preliminary injunction hearing or further proceedings,” says a notice to the court in Maine’s lawsuit against the Trump USDA over pulled food assistance in what was Trump’s usual petty revenge bullshit.

Germany just gave its spy agency new powers to surveil the opposition. That’s not democracy—it’s tyranny in disguise.

What is truly extremist is not the popular AfD—which took second in the recent election—but rather the establishment’s deadly open border immigration policies…

— Secretary Marco Rubio (@SecRubio) May 2, 2025

On Friday the Verfassungschutz, modern Germany’s top domestic intelligence agency, designated the Fourth Reich party Alternative for Germany (AfD) as a right-wing extremist organization which, well no shit that’s their branding, but with it comes enhanced surveillance. “The ethnicity- and ancestry-based understanding of the people prevailing within the party is incompatible with the free democratic order,” wrote Verfassungschutz officials in a statement and, well, a spade’s a spade.

If tomorrow you were to form a political party hell bent on ending elections and seizing permanent control with which to enact ethnic cleansing through mass deportation then what the fuck else are you if not a right wing organization? If your goal was to end elections and then redistribute all wealth then holy shit what the hell else need be written here? It’s not that complicated. Stop trying to make this and everything else into these insufferable fucking sob stories about oppression when the stated objective of the supposed victims of that action IS oppression. Rubio sure as shit wouldn’t be pissing and moaning if the AfD were an Islamist party looking to impose goddamned Sharia law.

Taking a page out of now-former Canadian Prime Minster Justin Trudeau’s meaningless gestures as a means of allowing convicted felon President Trump an off-ramp to declare victory in the early battles of World War Trade, China’s Xi Regime are putting out feelers to find ways to “address the Trump administration’s gripes over China’s role in the fentanyl trade,” the Wall Street Journal reports.

If and when the glasnost comes and the two tyrants back down from their centimeter-based dick measuring contest we can look forward to right wing media declaring that this is the greatest victory for America since, no greater than, the end of World War II, after which Xboxes will still be more expensive and zero Americans will be working in reshored jobs assembling iPhones and manufacturing will not have made the promised comeback because the pain was necessary to make sure that children’s toys don’t have lead paint in them and so on. None of that will or will have ever mattered if the fat fuck takes this off-ramp that you’d be foolish to bet big against him taking.

Hey, what the hell. Why not, right? Axios reports bald Nazi Stephen Miller is being considered to take over for already the Secretary of State Marco Rubio as White House National Security Advisor.

You might’ve seen the phrase “All power is unitary” being thrown around a lot these days and, though it definitely does ring like a bullshit truism that some intellectual styrofoam at the National Review deploys to pad out his masturbatory column, it’s worth a refresher: Basically what it means is that nothing in government or politics happens in isolation and for any leader a victory or momentum on one policy front begets another in a completely different one. And, more relevant here, it may be even more true on the reverse end. Look no further than the last administration for fucking corrupt assholes Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema, neither of whom ended up facing voters again, waited until after the Afghanistan withdrawal shitshow to decide they were no longer team players and they could do whatever they wanted to jam up Biden’s ambitious legislative agenda.

Without going down a rabbit hole as to whether or not those two were bribed (they probably were, let’s be completely honest) the more relevant question is whether or not something similar is what’s happening here with Ron “RonAnon” Johnson. Don’t kid yourself about this miserable cocksucker suddenly going all “resistance,” in fact think of it as being directionally the same as Manchinema 2022: That he’s pulling the whole plan further to the right of what convicted felon President Trump’s already been convinced by Mike Johnson and his House pals is the bill(s) he wants to sign.