With conservatives in Texas and Florida passing a law allowing chaplains to serve as school counselors in public schools in the states, the IRS-recognized religious congregation the Satanic Temple wants in, and that’s making the overt Christians who pushed through the bill nervous, NBC News reports.

While the Satanic Temple’s official stance is that no religious teachers should be in public school, it will demand equal representation within each state’s schools.  “If they pass these bills, they’re going to have to contend with ministers of Satan acting as chaplains within their school districts,” said Lucien Greaves, a co-founder of the Satanic Temple, which calls itself nontheistic. “We think the public should know in advance that that’s what the outcome of these bills can be.”

Incidentally, “Lucien Greaves” is a pseudonym of the co-founder who has been the target of threats of violence and death from the self-declared Christ-loving “christians” particularly after installing a sculpture of Baphomet at an Arkansas courthouse after the state had installed a monument to the Ten Commandments on its grounds.

Georgia MAGA Congressman Rich McCormick’s wife Dr Debra Miller filed for divorce on Thursday, citing infidelity after 12 years and 7 kids, the Daily Mail reports. When asked for comment about the divorce and who Rich was fucking on the side, Miller said simply “ask Rich and his colleague.”

Sources in the House said it’s more or less an open secret at this point, except for the identity of the colleague, with one other member saying they were holding hands under the table during a recent meeting of the Republican Study Committee. Our guesses include Virginia Foxx, Kat Cammack, Elise Stefanik, and Jason Smith, but that’s just us. Everyone else is just going to say it was Marjie Greene.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott on Thursday officially pardoned racist piece of shit MAGA vigilante Daniel Perry, who had been sentenced to 25 years for the murder of white US Air Force veteran Garrett Foster during a July 2020 BLM protest in downtown Austin, the Texas Tribune reports.

With Perry now a free man, the paraplegic governor – unaffectionately nicknamed “Low Energy Greg” for his failures to provide adequate electricity for Texans – has fulfilled the orders of now-fired white nationalist TV host Tucker Carlson by pardoning a likely pedophile who texted friends about hunting “a negro daddy” and Muslims prior to murdering Foster.

Spandex-wearing grapple-freak Jim Jordan’s House Judiciary Committee on Thursday voted to hold Attorney General Merrick Garland in contempt for not handing over the recording of President Biden’s interview with documents fuckup special counsel Robert Hur so Republicans could selectively clip segments of it to use in ads to help fat former President Trump get elected again.

The indicted wife of indicted New Jersey Democratic Senator Bob Menendez has been diagnosed with Stage-3 breast cancer, the Senator’s office announced Thursday, NBC News reports.  Nadine Menendez is also facing charges relating to her part in a corruption scheme that netted the couple hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash, gold bars, and even a car.

“As a result of constant press inquiries and reporters following my wife, she has asked me to disclose her medical condition.  Nadine is suffering from Grade 3 breast cancer, which will require her to have mastectomy surgery. We are of course, concerned about the seriousness and advanced stage of the disease,” the Senator said in a released statement.  Nadine will undergo additional surgery with radiation treatment a potential future option.

Too many lives have been upended because of our failed approach to marijuana.

So today, the @TheJusticeDept is taking the next step to reclassify marijuana from a Schedule I to a Schedule III drug under federal law.

Here's what that means: pic.twitter.com/TMztSyyFYm

— President Biden (@POTUS) May 16, 2024

The Biden campaign on Thursday announced that Vice President Kamala Harris has accepted CBS’s invitation to participate in a July 23 or August 13 debate against whoever licks Trump’s balls satisfyingly enough to earn the dishonor of joining his ticket, NBC News’s Monica Alba reports.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average reached the 40,000 mark in intraday trading on Thursday, its highest point value ever and you know who is going to take credit for it because polls.

The US Supreme Court on Thursday ruled 7-2 that “Congress’ statutory authorization allowing the [Consumer Financial Protection] Bureau to draw money from the earnings of the Federal Reserve System to carry out the Bureau’s duties satisfies the Appropriations Clause,” thereby ending a bunch of payday loanshark shitbags’ attempt to gut the post-Great Recession watchdog agency.

Cross-examination of former Trump lawyer/fixer Michael Cohen continues Thursday on what will in all likelihood be the final day of the Manhattan District Attorney’s case against the fat former president for interfering in the 2016 election by hiding hush money payoffs to a pornstar.

Trump’s lead defense lawyer Todd Blanche on Tuesday failed to deliver a knockout blow to Cohen, zig-zagging around in an attempt to portray him as a scumbag to the jury. The problem is that the prosecution never hid that and in fact kind of leaned on it. Having a day and a half to think about his next move might help Blanche figure out a different angle of attack. He needs one, per the consensus of legal observers (not the Trump ones on his printouts), who have said the jury seemed bored and underwhelmed by Blanche’s largely directionless probing of Cohen on the stand.

After Attorney General Merrick Garland said that turning over the audio and video recordings of the interview would impede the DOJ’s efforts to get witnesses to cooperate in future investigations, the White House announced that it would claim executive privilege on the House request, the Washington Post reports.

In letters to crybaby Judiciary Committee chair Jim Jordan, the rape misprisioner, and Oversight chair Jamie Comer, the perpetually embarrassed conspiracist, Counsel to the President Edward Siskel lambasted the obvious purpose for the GOP request given that the DOJ has already turned over the transcripts and Special Counsel Robert Hur did not recommend charges in Biden’s document case.

“The absence of a legitimate need for the audio recordings lays bare your likely goal—to chop them up, distort them, and use them for partisan political purposes. Demanding such sensitive and constitutionally-protected law enforcement materials from the Executive Branch because you want to manipulate them for potential political gain is inappropriate.

“Crooked Joe Biden does not want RFK Jr in the debates because Junior’ is far left him and they would be debating over the same territory, like ridiculous Open Borders and the Green New Scam, both of which are killing our Country. He’s also sharper and far more intelligent than Joe, all making for a bad combination of ingredients. I don’t care if Junios’ joins the Debate, but right now his polling numbers are very low, he is not properly qualified in the States, and he seems to be on a downward path. Junior’ needs more than his name to get on the ‘stage!'” posted fat former President Trump on Thursday morning, obviously still unsure if Junior is an asset or a liability to his campaign.

Having Bobby Junior on the stage would probably actually be a net plus for Biden, allowing him to look normal in contrast to the two conspiracy theory-obsessed shitbrains and expose him to the low-info dumbass voters who think the name “Kennedy” automatically equals competency and charisma. The second half of Trump’s little schizo episode above is the one that’s better for him.

Florida driver who crashed into farmworker bus, killing 8, smoked weed, took meds before fatal wreck https://t.co/q3QSVJdnjE pic.twitter.com/iLMRk1qYwq

— New York Post (@nypost) May 16, 2024

Kind of weird how a Murdoch-owned propaganda outlet is blaming a member of their main audience demographic for the deaths of eight migrant farm workers in a horrible accident rather than the farm workers themselves for not staying in Mexico where they would’ve been safer or something. Even more strange is how the article actually says toward the end that the workers were seasonal H2-A visa holders and thus not undocumented migrants so it’s Biden’s fault that they’re dead and he has blood on his hands for this awful tragedy. The Post could’ve at the very least left that detail out and let their readers jump to that partisan political conclusion themselves. Just friggin weird.

Indonesian government geology officials on Thursday raised the alert level from a 3 to a 4 for Mount Ibu, the volcano on Halmahera Island in the North Maluku province in the vast archipelago’s northeastern reaches, the AP reports while noting that the crater has been spewing ash and smoke since last Friday. Indonesia Geology Agency chief Muhammad Wafid said “based on the results of visual and instrumental monitoring which show the occurrence of increased volcanic activity for Mount Ibu, we have raised the alert level from 3 to 4,” and not “Hey if you didn’t already notice this fucking thing’s been erupting for six days now and still some of you dumbasses haven’t evacuated so the best we can do now is up our largely subjective ‘alert level’ to snap you the fuck out of it.”

Getting nowhere with his “demands” for documents from Merrick Garland about former Justice Department official Matthew Colangelo’s presence on the team prosecuting fat former President Trump in Manhattan, spandex-wearing grapple-freak Jim Jordan is now nagging New York Attorney General Letitia James’s office for information about Colangelo, NBC News reports on a letter Jordan sent Wednesday accusing James of assisting with a “politicized prosecution” of his Orange Jesus.

“The fact that a former senior Biden Justice Department official-whose previous employment consisted of leading ‘a wave of state litigation against Trump administration policies’-is now leading the prosecution of President Biden’s chief political rival only adds to the perception that the Biden Justice Department is politicized and weaponized,” Jordan wrote to James. What makes this even funnier is that Colangelo first worked for James’s office, then took a job at the Justice Department, THEN got hired by Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg. Which means that Jordan is pretty much just pissing in the wind (as usual). She had nothing to do with Colangelo taking a local job two years after he had left her office other than probably sending Bragg a reference letter. Like we get that Jordan is doing this for solely publicity and to keep the MAGA base tuned in to his “investigations” but holy shit just do something less transparently impotent and bitchy than this pointless jerking off.

South Carolina Dem Congressman Jim Clyburn, a guy who one could pretty reasonably say did as much as Donald Trump to help Joe Biden win the 2020 presidential election, is hitting the road to help shore up Black support for Joe’s reelection bid, having already made stops in Philadelphia and Pittsburgh over the weekend with more stops planned for other swing states, Punchbowl reports.

“I don’t know what this polling is all about,” said Clyburn in an interview. “Joe Biden does not have a problem with Black voters. Whatever you hear to the contrary, that’s just not true” (There is actual pretty solid evidence Clyburn is correct). Clyburn’s itinerary, which is heavy on radio interviews on shows popular with Black listeners, includes stops in Ohio, Michigan, Arizona, and Nevada later this year, as well as at a lot of HBCUs. “I want young people to look at this year’s campaign and be selfish about their vote,” Clyburn said. Not exactly sure what that means but the guy’s pretty smart.

RNC Co-Chair @LaraLeaTrump: "Joe Biden has to get through a debate; he actually has to make coherent sense and form sentences up on stage. But he also then has to defend a horrific record. That is going to be very challenging for him. Get the popcorn ready, folks." pic.twitter.com/r0SU6gv7hb

— GOP (@GOP) May 16, 2024

Fearful that some infuriated member of the cult would try to end her, porn actress and director Stormy Daniels wore a bulletproof vest under her clothes on the days she testified in Donald Trump’s Manhattan election interference hush money criminal trial, the New York Daily News reports.

“She was concerned about the security coming into New York,” her attorney, Clark Brewster said during a CNN interview. “She was paralyzed with fear, not of taking the stand or telling her story, but [of] what some nut might do to her. And I’m genuinely concerned about it as well.”

Two French prison officers were killed and three others wounded after gunmen ambushed a prison convoy, freeing the convict they were transporting in a scene out of X-Men: The Last Stand, except with good ol’ fashioned guns, not superpowers, CBS News reports.

While the two-car convoy was going through a toll booth, a car hit the first car head-on while a second car pinned the prison van in the toll lane.  Surveillance video shows people carry assault weapons getting out of both cars and firing at the people in the vehicles as others freed the prisoner, 30-year-old Mohamed Amra.

Known as La Mouche (“The Fly”), Amra an organized crime leader with a long history of violence who authorities say starting a drug trafficking ring.  Amra was convicted of a robbery charge last week and was facing murder charges related to a gangland shooting in Marseille.

Badly beaten GOP presidential candidate Ron DeSantis is taking his anger out on his home state of Florida, backing out of climate change priorities and opening up the state to broader use of gas and oil pipelines, NBC News reports, a move designed to worsen the effects of climate change and literally put the state underwater.

With Miami alone expected to spend an average of $100 million per year over the next 40 years to address the impact of climate change, DeSantis’s move is obviously to placate conservatives instead of addressing the real issues of climate change impacting Floridians, like massive home insurance costs and a blight of insurance carriers.