I am urgently calling on @gavinnewsom to agree to NOT release the 33,179 criminal illegal aliens in California’s custody back into the public without notifying ICE.

The crimes of these aliens include 399 homicides, 3,313 assaults, 3,171 burglaries, 1,011 robberies, 8,380…

— Kristi Noem (@KristiNoem) February 6, 2026

Convicted felon President Trump’s servants have indirectly admitted he’s a fat fucking racist and removed the Obama apes video from his personal Truth Social feed, CNN’s Alayna Treene reports, writing that “The White House has now taken down the post. A senior WH official tells me: ‘A White House staffer erroneously made the post. It has been taken down.’ It was up for 12 hours.”

Copied that verbatim to carry the credulity in Treene’s reporting because the video was posted at (roughly) 11:44 PM EST on Thursday night. Who the hell else is using Trump’s Truth Social feed at that hour if not the top “staffer” in the White House? The other part about the White House taking it down for him is 100 percent believable though. Of course he wouldn’t admit fault by doing it himself.

Speaking at a press conference ahead of the opening ceremonies of the 2026 Milan Winter Olympics, World Anti-Doping Agency Chief Witold Banka told reporters he’s aware of the claims that some male ski jumpers are injecting hyaluronic acid into their penises to get a competitive advantage and has put his team on the case, AFP reports without actually explaining what hyaluronic acid is supposed to do to make it easier. The article then goes on a brief tangent about athletes in the sport having been caught making subtle alterations to the seams on the crotch areas of their suits – thus reducing air friction during a jump – during a major meet last year.

“Ski jumping is very popular in Poland so I promise you I’m going to look at it,” Banka said, the AFP noting that he was smiling. His second-in-command, WADA director general Olivier Neggli, then said he’s “not aware of the details of ski jumping – and how this can improve performance – but if anything was to come to the surface we would look at anything if it is actually doping-related.”

Chuck E Cheese parent company CEC Entertainment this week announced CEO David McKillips will be stepping down effective February 13th and replaced with CFO Scott Drake, Restaurant Business reports on a leadership change coming after McKillips’s name appeared in the Epstein files.

All of that is accurate. McKillips is really stepping down and his name really is in the Epstein files, appearing once on a list of speakers at some 2018 conference that some guy named Aziza Alahmadi copied and pasted in an email to Dirty Jeff. The facts at hand here demonstrate that any schmuck on the internet with a platform can impugn the name of an exec who may or may not otherwise be an asshole degenerate simply because it’s easy to imply causality to his departure by omission.

McKillips was with Six Flags at the time. Why he’s actually leaving Chuck E Cheese is not clear but that it’s obviously a planned and orderly succession should tell you the terms are at least amicable enough. Maybe he’s taking over at Dave and Buster’s, who cares. The actual problem here is that McKillips can be impugned by that technically accurate headline while the name of whoever Jeff emailed to say “where are you? are you ok, I loved the torture video,” in 2009 is completely opaque.

Praying it was fake because it’s the most racist thing I’ve seen out of this White House. The President should remove it. https://t.co/gADoM13ssZ

— Tim Scott (@votetimscott) February 6, 2026

Former confirmed bachelor South Carolina Senator Tim Scott might have just been using an expression of wishful thinking rather than saying he was literally praying that it was fake, because it is not. His Orange God Emperor really did post the video depicting the Obamas as apes in a jungle.

Two South Florida residents on Thursday petitioned a court to block heels-wearing Governor Ron DeSantis’s planned attempt to redraw the state’s congressional maps to make it easier for Republicans to win, arguing it’s a violation of the state constitution, the Orlando Sentinel reports.

Arguing that Tiny D and Secretary of State Cord Byrd’s prep maneuvers “commandeer the Legislature’s authority to decide whether and when to re-draw Florida’s congressional boundaries” and that their “actions have already disrupted Florida’s impending elections by casting significant uncertainty on the future of Florida’s congressional map and the relevant candidate filing deadlines,” the petitioners, backed by Dem elections lawyer Marc Elias and a Florida-based voting litigation firm, seek and enjoiner on the grounds of the state’s “strict separation of powers doctrine.”

Sounds solid, making the only real question what kind of outcome-based justification the state Supreme Court will come up with to allow DeSantis and his minions to go ahead and gerrymander.

Convicted felon President Trump will have to reduce the number of conflicts he claims to have settled back to seven as the Rwanda-backed M23 rebels keep staging attacks against the Democratic Republic of the Congo’s government forces along the country’s volatile eastern border.

Reuters doesn’t even bother trying to tally the dead in the region, only counting 115 wounded soldiers and civilians in a 25-bed community hospital in the town of Fizi late last month. Without actually saying it, the wire service seems to be trying to paint a picture of a conflict as ugly as it has ever been over the past few years, if happening further out in the sticks and away from media.

“The highlands around Uvira are highly strategic: whoever controls them has access to major towns in the lowlands,” said Regan Miviri, an analyst at the Ebuteli research institute in Kinshasa. “And because ⁠the area is so remote, the fighting there draws less attention and less diplomatic ​pressure.”

Meaning Trump can just continue lying and count it as one of the eight conflicts he claims to have ended and if it gets worse he can just say it’s still eight because he stopped the US from going to war with Denmark over Greenland. He really earned that Nobel that Maria Corina Machado won.

A “gardener” illegally in the U.S. knocked a 24 yr old mother unconscious, then brutally raped her. The last people we should be listening to are liberal Republicans who treat illegal immigration as a right.https://t.co/IultTEce5a https://t.co/fx625i3fKH

— Laura Ingraham (@IngrahamAngle) February 6, 2026

Skinney wiener Jared Kushner is working to form a group of “Iranian-American business leaders to advise on the formation of some sort of transitional entity to help govern Iran in the event of the regime’s collapse,” the National reports on Kush planning the next money-making opportunity when he hasn’t even gotten his shit together on the Gaza one yet. Oh and the Belgrade one collapsed too.

Russian Lt Gen Vladimir Alexeyev, the second-in-command of the GRU, was shot several times by an unknown assailant in Moscow on Friday, the BBC reports. Nobody has any idea whether it was a Ukrainian hit or a Putin hit. Alexeyev has been hospitalized and his condition remains unknown.

Jeffrey Epstein's unusual close relationship with Ehud Barak doesn't suggest Epstein worked for Israel. It proves the opposite.

Stuck on his election loss from over two decades ago, Barak has for years obsessively attempted to undermine Israeli democracy by working with the…

— Benjamin Netanyahu – בנימין נתניהו (@netanyahu) February 6, 2026

“By working with the anti-Zionist radical left in failed attempts to overthrow the elected Israeli government. Barak’s personal fixation led him to engage in activities publicly and behind the scenes to undermine the government of Israel, including fueling mass protest movements, fomenting unrest and feeding false media narratives,” the genocidal dictator continued after the cutoff.

The problem, and there’s always a problem, is that Epstein once asked Barak – a former high-ranking Israeli intel official – to go out of his way to deny that Jeff had any Mossad ties. “You should make clear that i dont work for mossad :)” Epstein wrote to Barak in the mid-2010s.

It’s hard to make a 1:1 comparison but some blue political nerds on Twitter are amped because turnout was pretty freaking high in the Thursday night primary ahead of the April 16 special to replace now-New Jersey Governor Mikie Sherrill in the Garden State’s 11th District. At an estimated 91 percent counted per the New York Times‘s tracker, 61,382 votes were cast in the Dem primary, exceeding the 51,848 cast in the June 4, 2024 primary when now-Senator Andy Kim was challenging Gold Bars Bob Menendez statewide and the 37,948 in the 2022 D primary when Sherrill was running uncontested (probably because of something something machine politics).

The turnout surge could be chalked up to how tightly contested it was: Former Bernie Sanders aide Analilia Mejia leads former NJ-7 Dem Congressman Tom Malinowski by 0.79 percent and the race is still too close to call. Punchbowl News reports that AIPAC fucked themselves by spending against Malinowski for the sin of reading the room and being open to conditioning to Israel only to end up with Mejia in the lead and you already guessed that she’s not a skinnier female Randy Fine.

Contested or not it’s still noteworthy for turnout in a special election primary on a random Thursday night in February to be significantly higher than it was during the last two regular D primaries.

Convicted felon President Trump late Thursday posted a video that was mostly about some 2020 election conspiracy bullshit but in the end abruptly cut to a cartoony depiction of Barack and Michelle Obama as apes bobbing along to “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” as recorded by the Tokens.

Remember how the Trump Administration was holding up the $6.9 billion in federal funds for the Gateway Tunnel project – which was allocated by President Joe Biden in 2021 – because of something something illegal DEI hiring practices in the contracting process? Well it seems that the president isn’t really all that concerned about the scourge of reverse racism in economic opportunities in public works projects because Punchbowl News reports that the fat fuck told Chuck Schumer he would release the funds if Democrats vote to rename Manhattan’s Penn Station to Trump Station and Virginia’s Dulles International Airport to Trump International Airport.

Watch all the MAGA white nationalists suddenly turn on Trump for compromising their principles, lol.

“There’s nothing to trade. The president stopped the funding and can restart the funding with a snap of his fingers,” said a source close to the Senate Minority Leader. While obviously a good point, that they have no reason to trust Trump – also both states are suing the demented old slob anyway and will probably win, which may’ve been what prompted fat Donald to make this “offer” – maybe Team Schumer could’ve also made clear that he’d only agree to vote yes on the renaming the transport hubs if Trump dumped a can of gasoline on himself and lit a match on live television.

PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT! President Trump’s historic victory in the 2024 election has made Bitcoin more affordable for working families across the United States, with the price of the digital currency plummeting to lows not seen in years, with the price coming down to $63,057.84 on Thursday, 49.95 percent off its all-time high of $126,251.31 in October 2025, according to CNBC.

In fact it’s $13,400 cheaper than it was just 24 hours ago! Cry more libtards! The American dream of owning a Bitcoin is now that much more within reach for so many people, all thanks to President Trump’s mastery of the crypto market miracle and the end of the Bidenomics disaster for BTC.

Expect to see lots of new investors rocking their awesome Trump 47 “The Crypto President” x Bitcoin-branded sneakers – and with a little extra swagger too. Mean tweets and cheap Bitcoin!

Does the usual “Resume our regular news coverage” satire disclaimer need to be down here when everything above was technically factual and Bitcoin really is more affordable (lol) now?

I know your post here is satire but on a serious note I honestly think I could help you out. pic.twitter.com/lFjHqIimVn

— Gain of Fauci (@DschlopesIsBack) February 5, 2026

Should’ve tried “Chuck Schumer tells reporters he’s not crying he just got some of Jasmine Crockett’s nail glitter in his eye” or “Joe Biden wanders into White House in his bathrobe again” or…

In all seriousness this “Gain of Fauci” (fuuuuuuuck) kid’s thirst in the middle of an EPIC OWNING of mass-fired Washington Post journalists – using his tweet from friggin almost eight months ago – is extra painful because it’s absolutely Babylon Bee-caliber material. Hire him five minutes ago, Seth.

Asked what the plan is for dealing with Oyewan, an elephant linked to at least three fatal tramplings, the latest victim a 65 year-old local man thrashed to death by the animal earlier this week, Thailand national parks chief Chaiya Huayhongthong wasn’t quite sure just yet, but told AFP that he and his team will meet Friday and they’ll “probably decide to relocate him or change his behavior.”

The outlet appended a “without elaborating” to the quote, rightly disclaiming any confusion about what the hell that latter option he was supposed to mean, because they sure don’t know either.

Obviously tracking and shooting an ornery bull elephant with a tranq dart, then tying him up, loading him onto a truck, and then driving him to some other sanctuary far away in a less-densely populated region is a challenging job. However unless they want to regularly shoot him with darts filled with lithium or Zoloft and also fill the jungle of his territory with recorded nature sounds more soothing than the natural nature sounds, which wouldn’t be easier or effective, then the relocation would seem to be the only option to deal with the murderous (also endangered and protected) elephant.

“Today, Congressman Andy Barr (R-KY), became the first US Senate candidate and member of Kentucky’s Congressional Delegation to back America First Patriot Ed Gallrein to be the next Congressman from Kentucky’s 4th Congressional District,” says a particularly sickeningly fellatious and ballsuckery statement from Barr’s campaign to replace the steadily failing Mitch McConnell.

“‘Northern Kentucky needs a leader who will stand shoulder-to-shoulder with President Trump and always fight for the MAGA agenda,’ said Barr. ‘Ed Gallrein is an American hero – a Navy SEAL, a fifth-generation farmer, and a small business owner – who has spent his life defending this country. Ed will never side with AOC or the radical-left against President Trump. He is exactly the kind of conservative warrior we need in Congress, and I’m proud to endorse him,'” guck guck guck.

“‘I’m honored to have the endorsement of Andy Barr. Unlike Thomas Massie, Andy has been a steadfast ally of President Trump from the very beginning,’ said Gallrein. ‘The Republican Party and the conservative movement are united to replace Massie so we can defend the MAGA agenda and send a clear message Kentucky remains MAGA country and stands firmly behind our President.'”

Barr and Gallrein’s guck guck guck sluuuurrrpppttttupupitity quote asides, Barr didn’t need to knife Massie. He could just run a good campaign and Trump would endorse him. Shows what kind of guy he is, kicking a guy he’s served with for years just to get showered in the Orange Dominant’s golden glory. It’s sickening even without all the gratuitous phallic allusions unnecessarily added here.