The only place to start with on Gregg Phillips, currently the chief of FEMA’s Office of Response and Recovery, which is actually a pretty important job, is why he got hired in the first place: He co-founded “True the Vote,” a conspiracy theory outfit dedicated to proving the 2020 election was stolen from convicted felon President Trump, and along the way got jailed for contempt during a defamation lawsuit in 2022, lent his “expertise” to Dinesh D’Souza’s debunked “documentary” 2000 Mules, and then later admitted in court the fictitious conspiracy thriller was complete bullshit.

So having failed to actually prove the 2020 election was stolen, literally admitted it under oath that it was a lie, should by all measures kind of not be a plus with his principal, right? Lol, no. Not even close. In fact, to Trump, it made Phillips qualified for leading the office responsible for coordinating the federal government’s response to natural disasters and providing the necessary resources to rebuild in the aftermath. Meaning Phillips will be calling the shots if Mount Rainer erupts and sends deadly lahars careening down toward Tacoma, the fault under the Mississippi Valley between Missouri, Arkansas, and Tennessee ruptures again and causes an 8.0+ magnitude earthquake like it did – three times – in 1811 into 1812, or a Category 5 hurricane plows into east Texas, all of these hazards capable of leaving tens of thousands dead and costing $1 trillion+ in economic damage.

The guy who couldn’t prove the 2020 election was stolen is the guy who’s going to be on the ground leading the response to these disasters if they happen before Trump or, possibly less likely, the next president fires him. The “possibly less likely” there is CNN KFile’s work as they report that they brought to the Orange Fuhrer’s attention the not-very-shocking reality that Phillips’ belief in fantastical shit isn’t limited to simply a fucking stupid narrative that cell phone GPS data – that he spent $2 million to acquire from a marketing broker – somehow revealed that still-unidentified “mules” were trafficking absentee ballots to dropboxes in the run-up to the 2020 election in Georgia.

I love the President and I'm so grateful he's in the Oval Office. Of course, I'll continue to support him and the America First agenda.

At the end of the day, I do nothing for the approval of man. Our purpose on this earth is to glorify Him in all we do. The truth social post…

— Riley Gaines (@Riley_Gaines_) April 14, 2026

Continued: “The truth social post missed the mark. It’s now deleted. Amazing! We’re imperfect people. I know I am. I don’t get my feelings hurt easy and I know with the President it’s really not personal. I want to spend eternity in a real place called Heaven. I’d love for Trump to be there too. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. I’ll keep doing my part by speaking truth and doing my best to lead others to Christ. (and no, I won’t be selling merch with his insults on them hahaha)”

This was a few hours after CBS printed a brief interview with the fat bastard in which he was asked to respond to Gaines’s criticism of his “doctor” meme. “I didn’t listen to Riley Gaines. I’m not a big fan of Riley, actually,” the fat bastard said, not at all ruling out that he simply forgot who she is and that the answer would’ve been more diplomatic if he remembered she’s an attractive young blonde.

In a sterling sign of just how confident Naval commanders are in how readily a multi-billion dollar aircraft carrier can defend itself against some dogshit banditos like the Houthis, the USS George HW Bush is, rather than making use of the Suez Canal that’s been there since friggin 1867, transiting toward the Middle East around South Africa to join the blockade of Iran, USNI news reports.

The detour adds between 10 and 14 days to the trip and, given that the site reported on Monday that the GHWB was off the coast of Namibia, convicted felon President Trump could have TACOed out of the blockade before the ship even passes Madagascar. Indeed, the Wall Street Journal reports that Saudi Prince Bonesaw is urging the Trump Regime to back off the blockade plan because the Houthis, being Shiite proxies of Iran, could threaten KSA oil exports going through the southern Red Sea’s Bab al-Mandeb strait. Which, funny story, is EXACTLY the bottleneck that the GHWB is avoiding by sailing around Africa. Maybe the Team Trump should walk the walk on that.

Crypto billionaire Justin Sun, who dumped at least $75 million into the Don Jr and Eric Trump’s World Liberty Financial slush fund operation, publicly lost his shit on the two failsons Sunday, tweeting that he’s “always been an ardent supporter of President Trump and his crypto friendly policy,” but “this is the opposite of decentralization. This is a trap door marketed as an open door. I denounce the ongoing token scandals by the bad actors at WLFI,” NBC News reports on the predictable.

Sun’s account with the corruption mill has been frozen since September. World Liberty responded to the blowup by accusing Sun of engaging in misconduct himself citing a 2023 SEC fraud case settled last month when Sun agreed to pay a $10 million fine. Putin treats his guys the same way.

“There is a season for everything and God has a plan for us all. When Congress returns tomorrow, I will file my retirement from office. It has been my privilege to serve the great people of Texas,” tweeted the other rapey Congressman on Monday evening, with “retirement” apparently meaning resignation because Tony Gonzales technically already “retired” when he dropped out of the runoff.

“I am deeply sorry to my family, staff, and constituents for mistakes in judgment I’ve made in my past. I will fight the serious, false allegation made against me. However, I must take responsibility and ownership for the mistakes I did make. I am aware of efforts to bring an immediate expulsion vote against me and other members. Expelling anyone in Congress without due process, within days of an allegation being made, is wrong. But it’s also wrong for my constituents to have me distracted from my duties. Therefore, I plan to resign my seat in Congress. I will work with my staff in the coming days to ensure they are able, in my absence, to serve the needs of the good people of the 14th congressional district,” said California Dem soon-to-be-former-Congressman Eric Swalwell in a statement on Monday. Well guess that four-in-one expulsion deal isn’t happening.

This is (apparently) not a joke. Verbatim from Puck’s Dylan Byers: “Drama at this year’s White House Correspondents Dinner. The Wall Street Journal is being awarded the The Katharine Graham Award for Courage and Accountability for its reporting on the ‘bawdy’ letter that Trump set Epstein. Trump, who sued the Journal over this story, is expected to present the reporters with the award.”

Again, not a joke. Still funny. Apparently this is the tradition. The fat fuck is going to blow his stack when he finds out about this. At minimum cancel his attendance. Probably sue the WHCA too.

Mark Morgan, who served as Acting ICE Commissioner, acting CBP commissioner, and chief of the Border Patrol in convicted felon President Trump’s first failed administration, was pretty unsparing in his criticism of the Orange God Emperor on Monday, telling Axios that his new “mass deportation coalition” is ready to turn up the heat on the fat bastard “with what we call kind of a right flank, saying, ‘No, Mr President, you’re listening to the wrong people,'” and not going full throttle again.

“If Trump had said what industry wanted, ‘I’m going to keep the illegals here so you can have cheap labor,’ he would not be in the White House,” another Trump 1.0 Homeland Security official, Mike Howell, said, adding “He’d be in a prison cell right now.” Ugh, thanks for reminding us, you dick.

“The President has only gotten pressure in his face to tone down the enforcement. The truth is the first year was not a year of mass deportation. A conscious decision was made to go after the worst first, which was, we’ll call it a deviation from the central campaign promise of mass deportations,” Howell continued, plainly despondent over the caving to political pressure from the wider public.

'DoorDash Grandma' Sharon Simmons from Arkansas made a special delivery to the White House—and shared how President Trump’s “no tax on tips” policy is impacting her bottom line.

“Half my income is tips,” she told America Reports—adding the measure has helped her save thousands.… pic.twitter.com/fqFCk4C114

— Fox News (@FoxNews) April 13, 2026

A stunning new revelation surfaced Monday in the saga of the Arkansas grandma who works for DoorDash proudly showcased by the White House and its media apparatus as no longer having to pay tax on the tips that some people can optionally pay her for delivering McDonald’s, Popeye’s, and KFC to other people: Retired grandmas, as in the ones who have stopped working because they have enough in savings, pension, and other resources to maintain their lifestyle, do not have to pay taxes on tips either. In fact in a lot of other countries where the social benefits for elderly citizens are more equitable they usually simply stop working at a certain age irrespective of whether they have savings, pensions, etc. They don’t have to deliver fast food on DoorDash if they don’t want to.

“The European Commission is carrying out unannounced antitrust inspections in two Member States at the premises of a company active in the chocolate confectionery sector. The Commission has concerns that the inspected company may have violated EU antitrust rules that prohibit cartels and restrictive business practices, as well as abuses of a dominant market position. In particular, the Commission is investigating possible market segmentation in the form of restrictions on the trade of goods between Member States in the Single Market and obstacles to multi-country purchases,” says a vague statement from the European Commission on a double raid to find the secret to what makes Wonka bars so delicious and why the magical recipe hasn’t been shared with the entire world.

Or it could’ve been some more prosaic sort of monopolistic abuse. When they don’t even name the company let alone the location of the raids it kind of leaves it open to such interpretation.

You will not be surprised to learn that the “DoorDasher” who brought a bag full of McDonald’s to convicted felon President Trump in the Oval Office on Monday is not a DC local who legitimately picked up the order and was invited in, but a woman from friggin Arkansas who delivers for the app.

“A DoorDash delivery made its way to one of the most recognizable addresses in the world today: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Sharon Simmons, a Dasher from Arkansas, marked her order complete at the doors of the Oval Office on the South Lawn of the White House – an unconventional drop-off to commemorate the first anniversary of the No Tax on Tips policy,” says a blog post on the site.

God forbid that someone in another government office nearby actually place the order, rope the likely non-white driver into a brief Secret Service vetting and get their consent to have them meet the president to complete the delivery, and have this be an impromptu event with an actually more-or-less randomly-selected “DoorDasher” that the company could still promote. Barring that, and if it still had to be staged, you have to wonder if they ever even tried to cast someone from DC or if they were just like “fuck it. Arkansas it is.” Can’t really blame them when they knew it’d be hard, if not impossible, to find a local who would be willing to be seen standing next to the orange slob.

Whatever happened behind the scenes, it’s pretty on-brand for DoorDash to be the service to team up with Trump as he tries to promote one tiny crumb he gave to the poors in the Big Beautiful Piece of Shit, as they don’t like New York Attorney General Letitia James either. She got them to pay a $16 million settlement last year over – wait for it – tips they withheld from DoorDash drivers.

“Two of the country’s cult-favorite brands are making the ‘spear in a beer’ dive bar classic ritual a portable reality. Pabst Blue Ribbon and Grillo’s Pickles have joined forces to drop a limited-edition PBR x Grillo’s Pickle Beer, transitioning Grillo’s classic pickle from a garnish to the main event.”

“Clocking in at 4.7 percent ABV, this grab it while you can collaboration delivers a bright, tangy profile that balances the maltiness of PBR’s classic lager with the crisp, dill-forward punch that tastes unmistakably Grillo’s. It’s an easy-drinking, sessionable and refreshing brew that serves as the ultimate sidekick for the summer nights ahead, from the backyard to the beach. It’s here for your good times — not a long time! Get it while it’s cold,” says a press release from Pabst Blue Ribbon that signals a serious play for a market in ironic hipsterdom itself becoming ironic hipsterdom.

It’s actually pretty freaking brilliant: The perfect beer to sip in your vintage Sam Kinison “Out of Control” t-shirt while playing shuffleboard with your buds to the sound of “Two Weeks” by Grizzly Bear to be ironic about 2010 irony culture, which is so dated now. It’s bespoke genius really.

On top of incorrect usage by this stupid hick – it’s “hanged,” not “hung” – Tennessee MAGA Congressman Andy Ogles’s demand for his colleague Eric Swalwell to face summary execution also kind of seems to be calling for his Orange Overlord to face a similar penalty for having done the same to EJ Carroll. Except technically it wouldn’t be “summary” because a court ruled Trump did in fact rape her.

“Much of Corporate America in the past decade embraced the theory that diversity, equity and inclusion policies were good for productivity and profits. A new White House study concludes the opposite: DEI policies that encourage hiring managers on the basis of race undercut the industries that adopted them, and the broader economy,” says the lede to a Wall Street Journal “exclusive” that they printed probably as some kind of access token to patch things up after the lawsuit fail.

But if it wasn’t them then it’d be Breitbart or Fox News and yeah no shit Team Trump wanted the report to come to this conclusion. Or this version of it. Who knows how many were scrapped and how many people were fired for not supporting the conclusion they wanted. It’s not like they want to be studying how higher gas prices undercut the profits industries or the broader economy.

why am I being mogged by a Filet-O-Fish rn pic.twitter.com/vbnXmaJxJ4

— McDonald's (@McDonalds) April 13, 2026

“Mog” was not invented by Clavicular, though the now-sterile “looksmaxxer” freak inarguably did more than any other individual to popularize it. For those still lost, mog is a contraction of “AMOG,” which itself was acronymed from “Alpha Male of Group,” a key fixation of the incel/men’s rights advocate/pickup artist subcultures in that “foids” (“female humanoids”) are attracted to the AMOG, which got verbed into mog, like the fish filet sandwich does, according to McDonald’s… “rn.”

Convicted felon President Trump – or maybe his wiener social media aide Dan Scavino using Trump’s Truth Social account – on Monday gave into the heat from his own worshippers and deleted the previous night’s AI slop post depicting the Satanic cult overlord as a Jesus-like figure.

“Iran’s Navy is laying at the bottom of the sea, completely obliterated – 158 ships. What we have not hit are their small number of, what they call, ‘fast attack ships,’ because we did not consider them much of a threat. Warning: If any of these ships come anywhere close to our BLOCKADE, they will be immediately ELIMINATED, using the same system of kill that we use against the drug dealers on boats at Sea. It is quick and brutal. PS 98.2 percent of Drugs coming into the US by Ocean or Sea have STOPPED!” posted the 21st century’s Chester Nimitz, daring his opponent to place their vessels on the coordinates he’s already selected as his target offensive operation area.

Just ask the tiny plastic Risk artillerymen lodged in his lower intestine since 1968. You don’t mess with the Stratego-ic prowess of the man who exploited Candy Land’s crucial Gumdrop Pass to outmaneuver his opponents in a hard-fought battle to capture King Kandy’s castle. Twice.

Really what Senator John Barrasso is saying is that Democrats are happy right now because everyone’s paying more for gas, which helps advance their “radical climate agenda,” and then in the next sentence it’s “so people understand what the president is doing and agree with him.” Which when you really think about it means… Barrasso is… praising Trump for making sure gas prices increase and the Democrats actually like it… so it’s actually making Democrats look bad…?