An anonymous Trump minion tells MS Now that the demented senior citizen-in-chief “is getting a little bored with Iran. Not that he regrets it or something – he’s just bored and wants to move on.”

Yes. A White House official just told a national cable news network that the President of the United States of America is like a 17 year-old boy who spent $70 to download Call of Duty: Black Ops 7 to his Xbox, a $400 gaming chair, another $350 on a halfway decent camera and audio equipment, plus $50 on “skins,” started streaming himself playing the game on Twitch, got his ass kicked in every match to the derision of a peak of 13 concurrent viewers, and is getting bored with the grind of trying to make it in that world so now he’s just going to not play Call of Duty anymore.

The official also said Trump’s claims that the US has already won are “mostly hyperbole. It’s part just wanting to declare victory and move on.” A former official still in contact with current White House staff adds that Trump “has learned he can tell the American people his feeling, and — with enough time — the American people will accept his lie,” but cautioned that the fat bastard fantasy world of simply “telling us the war is won isn’t good enough. We need to see it; we need to feel it.”

As for the hope that someone in the White House might finally actually tell the fat fucking toddler that he made a mistake, the sourcel just reiterated what everyone already knows: “So many people are afraid of being on the outs that they are just drinking the Kool-Aid and going along with it.”

With five senators on the chamber floor at 2:21 AM on Friday, the upper chamber of the United States Congress passed a funding package for the Department of Homeland Security, except for ICE and CBP, Punchbowl’s Andrew Desiderio reports on an apparent end to the crisis.

“The Radical Left Democrats, and their ‘Leader,’ Cryin’ Chuck Schumer, have made it very clear where they stand, and that is, ON THE SIDE OF CRIMINAL ILLEGAL ALIENS, AND NOT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. They are refusing to fund Immigration Enforcement unless the Republicans agree to their Open Border Policies, which will never, ever happen again. They almost destroyed our Country, allowing 25 Million People to enter from Prisons, Mental Institutions, and Insane Asylums, those that are Drug Dealers, and thousands of Murderers, many of whom killed more than one person. Because the Democrats have recklessly created a true National Crisis, I am using my authorities under the Law to protect our Great Country, as I always will do! Therefore, I am going to sign an Order instructing the Secretary of Homeland Security, Markwayne Mullin, to immediately pay our TSA Agents in order to address this Emergency Situation, and to quickly stop the Democrat Chaos at the Airports. It is not an easy thing to do, but I am going to do it! I want to thank our hardworking TSA Agents and also, ICE, for the incredible help they have given us at the Airports. I will not allow the Radical Left Democrats to hold our Country hostage any longer” posted the fat fucking idiot on Thursday, not realizing that he just admitted he could’ve done it already.

That admission came shortly after the credibly suspected teen rapist took credit for coercing the IOC into implementing an largely unnecessary ban on trans athletes, posting “Congratulations to the International Olympic Committee on their decision to ban Men from Women’s Sports. This is only happening because of my powerful Executive Order, standing up for Women and Girls!”

The fat bastard even literally said “I’m glad Jessica is not there. I think the show would be better without her. It would be a lot better,” because Tarlov apparently ruins the show for him.

Convicted felon President Trump, a false messiah warned about repeatedly in the Book of Revelation, seems determined to fulfill the prophecy of 13:17 in which “None may buy or sell without the mark” by ordering his signature affixed to all American currency, Vanity Fair reports.

“As the 250th anniversary of our great nation approaches, American currency will continue to stand as a symbol of prosperity, strength, and the unshakable spirit of the American people under President Trump’s leadership,” said US Treasurer Brandon Beach, confirming the plan. “The president’s mark on history as the architect of America’s golden age economic revival is undeniable.”

“Printing his signature on the American currency is not only appropriate, but also well deserved.”

“As per Iranian Government request, please let this statement serve to represent that I am pausing the period of Energy Plant destruction by 10 Days to Monday, April 6, 2026, at 8 PM, Eastern Time. Talks are ongoing and, despite erroneous statements to the contrary by the Fake News Media, and others, they are going very well,” posted convicted felon President Trump on Thursday.

pic.twitter.com/cWPlKvw2ZO

— The White House (@WhiteHouse) March 26, 2026

A former North Andover, Massachusetts cop shot and wounded by a co-worker while being served a restraining order at her home in June 2025 was acquitted of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon on Thursday after a four day bench trial, Boston 25 reports. Kelsey Fitzsimmons, 31, had just given birth weeks earlier when her firefighter now ex-fiancee had filed for a restarining order against her. When other North Andover cops showed up to serve the order Fitzsimmons had a pistol in her hand, prompting the one-way firefight that put Fitz in the hospital with a hole in her chest.

It’s not clear if Fitzsimmons is entitled to have her job back. Things might be awkward.

US District Judge Jane Boyle on Thursday tossed drug-addicted billionaire Elon Musk’s lawsuit against the World Federation of Advertisers that the asshole filed after brands began boycotting Twitter ad buys en masse following his 2022 acquisition of the platform, Reuters reports.

“The very nature of the alleged conspiracy does not state an antitrust claim, and the court therefore has no qualm dismissing with prejudice,” Boyle wrote in her order ending Elon’s revenge quest.

A new Carolina Journal survey of North Carolina voters finds Dem former Governor Roy Cooper leading lightweight former RNC chair Mike Whatley 49 to 41 percent in the Tar Heel State’s heated Senate race to replace disgruntled asshole not nearly RINO-enough quitter Thom Tillis.

“The US Department of State’s Rewards for Justice (RFJ) program is offering a reward of up to $3 million and potential relocation for information leading to the disruption of the financial mechanisms of Haitian gangs Viv Ansanm and Gran Grif, both of which the US government has designated as Foreign Terrorist Organizations (FTOs). Formed in September 2023, Viv Ansanm is an alliance established by the union of Haiti’s two main gang factions operating in Port-au-Prince, G-9 and G-Pép. Viv Ansanm members are responsible for an ongoing campaign of violence, including attacks against the government of Haiti, prison systems, police stations, hospitals, and the nation’s main airport in Port-au-Prince – organized terror that, among other political aims, forced the April 2024 resignation of Haiti’s then-Prime Minister Ariel Henry. Viv Ansanm is directly involved in the mass murder and collective rape of Haitian civilians, including violence against American citizens in Haiti.”

“The gangs leverage arms trafficking and use force recruitment, including of children, to maintain operational strength. Its main revenue comes from systematic extortion of fellow Haitians and kidnappings for ransom,” says a US State Department press release issued Wednesday.

So for those keeping score at home, if you’re a member of the gang and want $3 million and asylum in the US, you can just show up at the Embassy with printouts containing just enough real information about their offshore accounts, Binance crypto holdings, and so on, get paid $3 million and likely a decent enough house somewhere in the US. If you’re a victim of the gang’s extortion rackets and your brother was kidnapped and killed by them because you couldn’t afford to pay up, you’re not eligible for asylum. Plus your cousin in Springfield, Ohio’s on track to getting deported on top of being falsely accused of eating the dogs, eating the cats, eating the pets, and so on.

The International Olympic Committee on Thursday decreed that “for all disciplines on the sports programme of an IOC event, including the Olympic Games and for both individual and team sports, eligibility for any female category is limited to biological females. Eligibility for the female category is to be determined in the first instance by SRY gene screening to detect the absence or presence of the SRY gene. Based on scientific evidence, the IOC considers that the presence of the SRY gene is fixed throughout life and represents highly accurate evidence that an athlete has experienced male sex development. Furthermore, the IOC considers that SRY gene screening via saliva, cheek swab or blood sample is unintrusive compared to other possible methods. Athletes who screen negative for the SRY gene permanently satisfy this policy’s eligibility criteria for competition in the female category. Unless there is reason to believe that a negative reading is in error, this will be a once-in-a-lifetime test,” not really coincidentally in advance of the 2028 Los Angeles summer games.

Should-be President Kamala Harris is ladening her schedule with appearances at no fewer than four Democratic Party fundraising events across the South over the next two months, CNN reports.

Just a few podcasters and other malcontents and America haters, these Hispanics are probably all on the Qatari payroll. https://t.co/9H002XM2nQ

— Michael Brendan Dougherty (@michaelbd) March 26, 2026

Fast-rising MAGA Twitter star and National Review columnist Michael Brandon Doghurgurtly, author of “My Father Left Me Ireland ” – which may or may not be about an accomplished but mentally ill violinist who cuts off his fingers and throws them at the door of his dim-witted former friend-turned-enemy – committed himself to an all-hands effort to ensure victory for Republicans in November’s midterm elections Thursday by posting pro-GOP content on the major social media platform.

The content, containing an indisputably pro-Republican message, appeared aimed at persuading undecided voters to vote for GOP candidates – and thus ensure comfortable victories for the party during a contest in which the majorities in both chambers of Congress, numerous statewide offices and legislative seats, and untold thousands of local offices are on the line. Doghurgurtly plainly recognizes that this is a team effort for all involved and is keenly aware that other MAGA social media users are listening and will help propagate his message to other undecided voters considered winnable for the party in the crucial contests this fall. In that sense you could say Doghurgurtly’s message and its impact are a microcosm of American democracy in and of itself: That some lead, others follow, and all in between decide together to win the consent of the governed.

Leo Blundo, a former elected commissioner and now Republican Party chairman of Nye County, Nevada, on Tuesday blasted the “political witch hunt” against him and vowed “to be very much like Trump in this. We’re going to fight, fight, fight 100 percent” following a hearing in which pleaded not guilty to stealing nearly half of $500,000 in loans and grants obtained from the federal government in emergency COVID relief funds for his restaurant during the 2020 pandemic, 8 News now reports.

Federal prosecutors, working under Israeli immigrant “Stop the Steal” asshole and 2022 state attorney general election loser-turned-non-Senate confirmed Sigal Chattah, obtained the indictment alleging that Blundo had inflated revenue at his Italian restaurant, Carmelo’s Bistro in Pahrump, to obtain the more than half-million in relief funds and then promptly put $200,000 of it in investment accounts and another $25,000 into crypto. It’s not his first scrape specific to the relief money either as in 2020 the sheriff had cuffed him on probable cause, though the Nevada Attorney General’s office ended up declining to seek charges. Blundo was later fined $4,500 by an ethics panel.

“COVID, you had the Biden administration, you had Steve Sisolak as governor,” Blundo told reporters outside the courthouse, referring to the Democrat unseated by current Republican Governor Joe Lombardo in 2022. “Our friends over at Nye County, everybody had the government heel on the boot, right here, right on the throat of small businesses,” Blundo continued, directing his rage at the two Democrats who are no longer in office and had nothing whatsoever to do with the charges – for which he faces up to 120 years in federal prison. Charges that never would’ve been brought in the first place if Blundo was considered important enough to merit his Holy Orange Allah’s attention and thus protection from the law. All it would’ve taken was a 45-second phone call before – or a pardon issued via Truth Social now – to end Blundo’s nightmare. The man’s pained squeaks of defiance invoke his god’s name and songs, salvation by his hand so effortless and yet Olympus answers not.

A 39 year-old Green Bay, Wisconsin man whose Facebook posts – such as “174,238 recorded deaths worldwide yesterday and all the democrats are upset about 1 Minnesota woman that died” from January 9th, 2026 – indicate he is MAGA, has decided to roll the dice at trial over a March 30, 2025 incident in which he was observed possibly masturbating through the pockets of his swim trunks in front of children playing at the Tundra Lodge’s resorts indoor water park, WFRV reports.

A Wednesday court appearance, initially scheduled to be a plea hearing for Robert Latimer, instead became a status conference, pushing back the next court date to September 28th, almost fully a year and a half after the incident in which Latimer claimed he was merely trying to unbunch the pockets of his trunks whilst visiting the water park alone and making the children uncomfortable.

Latimer faces up to 25 years in prison if convicted on all counts and sentenced to the max.