Convicted felon President Trump’s loyal enforcers in Brooklyn and Manhattan have opened a criminal investigation into Colombian President Gustavo Petro in an attempt to build a case accusing him of soliciting campaign donations from drug cartels, the New York Times reports on the pretty blatant play to make Petro – Colombia’s first-ever leftist national leader – into the new Nicolas Maduro.

Relations between Washington and Bogota had been awful for most of the past year until a thaw in January after a phone call brokered by Rand Paul and the Colombian ambassador. Indicting Petro and then trying to compel domestic law enforcement to extradite him would obviously be a reversal.

American action movie star Chuck Norris has died at the age of 86, TMZ reports. “It is with heavy hearts that our family shares the sudden passing of our beloved Chuck Norris yesterday morning. While we would like to keep the circumstances private, please know that he was surrounded by his family and was at peace,” the Walker: Texas Ranger star’s family wrote in an announcement.

Norris’s death marks the second tragedy to strike the top-billed cast of the 1992 family film Sidekicks as other star Jonathan Brandis sadly committed suicide in 2003 at the age of 27.

“Without the USA, NATO IS A PAPER TIGER! They didn’t want to join the fight to stop a Nuclear Powered Iran. Now that fight is Militarily WON, with very little danger for them, they complain about the high oil prices they are forced to pay, but don’t want to help open the Strait of Hormuz, a simple military maneuver that is the single reason for the high oil prices. So easy for them to do, with so little risk. COWARDS, and we will REMEMBER!” posted a clearly very agitated convicted felon President Trump on Friday, three days after he also posted that he didn’t need their help.

“Because of the fact that we have had such Military Success, we no longer ‘need,’ or desire, the NATO Countries’ assistance – WE NEVER DID! Likewise, Japan, Australia, or South Korea. In fact, speaking as President of the United States of America, by far the Most Powerful Country Anywhere in the World, WE DO NOT NEED THE HELP OF ANYONE!” Trump wrote, timestamped March 17, 2026, 11:18 AM, also agitated at the time but in more of an ornery, ebullient, fuck it all kind of way.

We were to understand from Trump’s fanboys that his iron will and force of personality alone were enough to muster the courage and resolve among NATO allies to get them to commit to something so easy for them to do, with so little risk. Maybe those fanboys should work on a retcon.

“Today we are reducing the size of our workforce, and employees who are affected will be notified by the end of the day. We recognize that this is a difficult time for those who will be leaving CBS News. Because these aren’t just names on a list. They are talented, committed colleagues who have been critical to our success. We’ll treat them all with care and respect. It’s no secret that the news business is changing radically, and that we need to change along with it. New audiences are burgeoning in new places, and we are pressing forward with ambitious plans to grow and invest so that we can be there for them. That means some parts of our newsroom must get smaller to make room for the things we must build to remain competitive. But these are very hard choices and today is a difficult day. This is a tough message to receive at any time, and especially in the middle of an exceptionally intense news cycle. This organization is working its heart out to deliver for our audience. We’re so grateful to all of you, and we thank you for handling this difficult news with compassion,” says a Friday morning memo from illegitimate CBS News chief Bari Weiss.

Huh, so it looks like the hypothesis of “CBS News is too woke, let’s make it more MAGA-friendly to get more people to watch” kind of didn’t pan out but they might as well just double down on it in a leaner, meaner operation and can dozens of people who grew up dreaming working in journalism instead of putting someone else in charge who can regain the audience’s trust. One might even credibly allege that the whole point all along was to just run CBS News into the ground.

MAGA’s favorite mainstream pollster Emerson College couldn’t make it happen for them this month as the March national survey finds Democrats leading Republicans 49.2 to 41.5 percent on the generic ballot for this November’s midterms. They’ll find a way to recalibrate by October.

In an actual sentence printed by right wing outlet the Washington Examiner on Thursday, under the actual headline of “Why Republicans are hoping for midterm help from a star-spangled summer,” the paper writes that, given the national semiquincentennial, “senior Republican figures hope that a national feel-good factor and a surge in patriotic pride will help their party in the midterm elections.”

Yeah. The Examiner’s Rob Crilly, who has a job and ostensibly a home and a family whom he’s responsible for, seriously wrote that. To be fair he doesn’t appear to personally endorse the notion, tempering it with “Republicans will need all the help they can get. Democrats need only pick up three seats to win back the House, and with Trump’s approval rate falling as fast as gas prices are rising, they might even have a shot at taking the Senate,” but the thirst for Trump and Republicans’ insufferably over-the-top appropriation of all the aesthetics of patriotism, the flag, the Founding Fathers, and so on and so forth to somehow conjure votes for the GOP isn’t exactly dismissed either.

Crilly quotes Club for Growth douchebag David McIntosh saying “We’ve got, with our foundation, a plan to celebrate it over the Fourth of July… and we have done a couple of events to point out key times in our founding, I think that will remind Americans that we have something beautiful in our system of government, and we should cherish it and make sure that it goes forward. I think that’s motivational to Republicans and our base and moderate or mainstream Democrats. I’m not sure that’s motivational to the hard progressives,” making it plain how he just feels as though it’ll work out for the party and help them overcome any military casualties in the Middle East and $5/gallon gas.

Convicted felon President Trump is considering landing US troops to occupy Kharg Island, a key terminal 15 miles off the coast through which 90 percent of Iran’s oil exports flow, Axios reports on the fat bastard’s plan to “end the war, at least on his terms,” which will take weeks and months.

“We need about a month to weaken the Iranians more with strikes, take the island and then get them by the balls and use it for negotiations,” a “source with knowledge of the White House thinking” said.

Another top Trump minion said Donald “wants Hormuz open. If he has to take Kharg Island to make it happen, that’s going to happen. If he decides to have a coastal invasion, that’s going to happen. But that decision hasn’t been made.” A third started pre-excusing it with “We’ve always had boots on the ground in conflicts under every president, including Trump. I know this is a fixation in the media, and I get the politics, but the president is going to do what’s right.” Should probably save that quote.

Banger 🤣🤣 https://t.co/2T8PMAXGh3

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) March 20, 2026

Binge-drinking date rapist Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth on Thursday told reporters that, during the previous day’s meeting with the families of the six Airmen tragically killed in the refueler tanker collision over Iraq last week, he had “heard through tears, through hugs, through strength and through unbreakable resolve was the same from family after family. They said, ‘Finish this. Honor their sacrifice. Do not waver. Do not stop until the job is done,'” during the private audience.

Charles Simmons, father of 28 year-old Tech Sgt Tyler H Simmons, remembers the conversation differently, telling NBC News he “can’t speak for the other families,” but when Hegseth “spoke to me, that was not something we talked about.” Simmons said he was grateful for the warmth that Petey Pee Pants and convicted felon President Trump had showed him, but he had simply spoke to them about the kind of Airman his son Tyler had been and how he had rapidly advanced in his career.

“I understand there’s a lot of peril that goes into making decisions like this, and I just certainly hope the decisions being made are necessary,” Simons recalled telling the former Fox News weekend morning host. Asked if he’d said anything to Hegseth and/or Trump about the need to keep fighting, Simmons said, “No, I didn’t say anything along those lines.” The 60 year-old Ohio music teacher added he has “questions” about the war and isn’t able to draw “definitive conclusions when I don’t have all the data” and “Who wants war? Sometimes it’s a necessity, and I just don’t know what’s going on.” Ultimately however he was grateful for Trump and Hegseth for showing up.

Convicted felon President Trump’s white nationalist mass deportation agenda has been downshifted all thanks to conversations with his wife Melania – and illegal immigrant herself – who along with Chief of Staff Susie Wiles convinced him that voters hate the whole destructive shitshow and has ordered his minions to focus on actual criminal illegal aliens, the Wall Street Journal reports.

The Associated Press has more on this already pre-devalued US currency.

The Bay County, Florida Sheriff’s Office on Wednesday announced they had “arrested and charged 31-year-old Joseph Garrett Duggar for Lewd and Lascivious Behavior, involving unlawful sexual activity with a minor. On March 18, 2026, Bay County investigators were contacted by a detective with the Tontitown Police Department regarding a report of past sexual abuse. The 14 year-old victim participated in a forensic interview, where she disclosed several incidents involving Duggar that occurred during a family vacation in Panama City Beach when she was 9 years-old.”

“According to the investigation, the incidents took place in 2020 while the family was staying at a residence on Danny Drive. The victim reported Duggar repeatedly asked her to sit on his lap” and blah blah blah don’t want to actually print any of this shit here… “The victim stated Duggar eventually apologized for his actions and the incidents stopped after the apology. Investigators discovered the victim’s father confronted Duggar about these incidents on March 17th, 2026.”

“Duggar admitted his actions to the victim’s father and to Tontitown Detectives. Duggar was arrested out of state and charged with Lewd and Lascivious Behavior – Molestation of a Victim Less Than 12 years-old and Lewd and Lascivious Behavior Conducted By A Person 18 Years Or Older.”

“Duggar is currently awaiting extradition to Bay County,” the statement then concluded which would mean that out of the 19 Duggar kids now 16 of them would have NOT been charged with crimes against children following eldest Josh’s incarceration on child porn charges and sister Jana’s child endangerment charge from 2021… Though that one was pretty minor in comparison considering it was a low-level citation. One of the kids she was babysitting wandered out of the house.

Ilya Remeslo, a once-hardcore pro-Putin blogger who this week apparently caught a bad case of the woke mind virus which then turned into full-blown Putin Derangement Syndrome and led him to post “Five reasons why I stopped supporting Vladimir ⁠Putin” on Tuesday, has been committed to a psychiatric ward in St Petersburg for treatment of his grave mental illness, Reuters reports.

“Vladimir Putin is ‌not a legitimate president. Vladimir Putin must resign and be brought to trial as a war criminal and a thief,” Remeslo wrote in the post to his 90,000 followers on Telegram, the missive denouncing a “failing war” that had wrecked Russia’s economy and killed millions was essentially a PDS super-spreader event given the live audience. It’s not clear why Putin didn’t simply order Remeslo to be euthanized via the usual windowing or “suicide” with five self-inflicted gunshots.

Private prison company GEO Group founder George Zoley told the White House that soon-to-be-former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem’s fuck buddy/enforcer Coery Lewandowski had shaken him down for a “success fee” based on the size of contracts awarded to GEO for interning undocumented immigrants and, when Zoley balked, the rate of migrants sent to GEO facilities shrank, NBC reports.

Another firm, Salus Worldwide Solutions, had a similar experience and there was a convoluted stipulation to finalizing a contract with DHS that involved a marketing firm that Salus was supposed to pay $50 million, at least $20 million of which would’ve gone to a firm linked to Dirty Corey.

“White House officials have not taken any action against Lewandowski, in part out of fear that Trump will come to his defense,” NBC News writes in their report while also noting that they only know of the “deals” that fell through, not whether or how much Corey ever collected in his racket.

This week’s Yahoo News/YouGov national survey finds the Islamic Republic of Iran’s favorability rating at 8 percent among respondents who self-identified as Trump 2024 voters, not statistically-significantly higher than the 7 percent of former Vice President Kamala Harris’s 2024 voters who said the same, but still slightly higher nonetheless and definitely a quantifiable asterisk on the stale old “DeM0nCraTz lUv 2 giVe AiD n c0mF0rT 2 tEh eN3mY!!!11!!” trope the fanboys know and love.

“Michael Whatley is so Great! Running against a really bad former Governor who set murderers free to kill again, and was grossly incompetent on the big hurricane cleanup. I had to get it done when I took office on January 20th, and I did! I hope the Great people of North Carolina remember how BAD Roy Cooper was as Governor, especially on crime. Michael Whatley will be a FANTASTIC Senator. He led the Republican Party to VICTORY in 2024. Michael will be a GREAT SENATOR, one of the very best!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Thursday, evidently still feeling the heat for his backup candidate he only endorsed because his daughter-in-law didn’t want to risk losing.

Roy Cooper left the North Carolina governor’s office with a 53 percent approval rating.