“A 40-year-old male, Clarence Yoder, of Idaho Falls, Idaho, approached a bison too closely (within 25 yards) on the afternoon of April 21, 2024, and was injured by the bison. The incident occurred on the West Entrance Road near the Seven Mile Bridge, located 7 miles east of the park’s West Entrance. Rangers responded to the area after receiving a report of an individual who harassed a herd of bison and kicked a bison in the leg. They located the suspect’s vehicle near the West Entrance and stopped it in the town of West Yellowstone, Montana. Yoder was arrested and charged with 1) being under the influence of alcohol to a degree that may endanger oneself, 2) disorderly conduct as to create or maintain a hazardous condition, 3) approaching wildlife, and 4) disturbing wildlife.”

“The driver of the vehicle Yoder traveled in, 37-year-old McKenna Bass, of Idaho Falls, Idaho, was also arrested and cited for 1) driving under the influence, 2) interference for failure to yield to emergency light activation, and 3) disturbing wildlife. Yoder sustained minor injuries from the encounter with the bison. Rangers transported Yoder to a nearby medical facility where he was medically evaluated, treated and released from medical care. He then was transported to the Gallatin County Detention Center. Yoder and Bass appeared in court on April 22 and pleaded not guilty to the charges,” says a Monday statement from the National Park Service.

We would like to know more about the nature of Yoder’s injuries. You have to assume that the whole universe of outcomes in bison encounters requiring hospitalization that the ones in which the human was also released the same day are vanishingly few and that it’s essentially a binary: Either you stay away from them or you’re laid up for quite a while, likely with permanent damage. So did the bison simply kick the drunk asshole back and leave him down or was it a headbutt where the horns missed his intestines? Or did he escape and then run into a tree? The American taxpayer deserves more information and comedy material from our National Parks’ public communications offices.

There are masochists, and then there are RFK Jr. fans.  According to Politico, the fans of the delusional product of generations of nepotism are holding on to the old adage that any publicity is good publicity, and this time, the publicity Kennedy is getting is abuse from Donald Trump.

The raging Republican has been targeting Kennedy because pollsters have found Kennedy is more damaging to Trump’s number than Biden’s, so Trump’s stubby thumbs have been posting away and Trump’s sycophants at Fox have been denigrating Kennedy where it was once boosting him.

“If Republicans and Democrats see him as a threat, that’s a good thing, because not a lot of people realize he’s running,” one supporter in Massachusetts said.  Kennedy could become the third party candidate with the most support since Ross Perot’s 18.9% support in the 1992 presidential election.

The Florida Coast League of conservative news networks, OAN retracted a story it ran on its network/streaming service and on its website claiming one-time insider Michael Cohen had a sexual relationship with Stormy Daniels and it was he who was somehow blackmailing Donald Trump, which is why Trump paid Cohen hundred of thousands of dollars.

The story,  “Whistleblower: Avenatti Alleged Cohen­ Daniels Affair Since 2006, Pre-2016 Trump Extortion Plan,” was posted on March 27th even though Avenatti asserted he never made the claim, and both Cohen and Daniels denied an affair, according to the Daily Beast.  No other terms of the settlement besides the apology and retraction were announced.

“The article, quoting a source, falsely claimed that Mr. Cohen and Ms. Daniels ‘were having an affair since 2006’ and that, according to a source, ‘the whole hush money scheme was cooked up by [Mr. Cohen] to extort the Trump Organization before the 2016 election.’ These statements were false. OAN regrets their publication.” the network said on its website.

A 32-year-old man who said he joined the National Security Agency to steal documents, was sentenced to nearly 22 years in prison after he passed the information he had taken to an undercover FBI agent posing as a Russian spy, NBC News reports.

Jareh Sebastian Dalke had been an NSA employee for about a month when he contacted the undercover FBI agent with promises of secret documents.  Although he told the judge in his sentencing hearing he did not steal the information out of greed or ideology, Dalke did collect more than $85,000 in the sting.

“This is not edited,” Newsmax streamer Eric Bolling says sincerely into the camera as he shows B-roll of President Joe Biden at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on Saturday night.  “This is Joe trying to eat a bite of salad.  This man has the nuclear codes.  That’s the preh– THAT’S THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.  The man who’s gonna push back on Russia, China, North Korea–are you kidding me?”

Watch the clip.  Biden pushes some greens onto his fork with a piece of bread, raises the fork to his mouth and… eats the salad.  That’s what one is supposed to do.  Biden didn’t miss his mouth.  He didn’t flip the salad behind him.  Hell, none of the salad even fell off his fork.  So yeah, that is the President of the United States, and this POTUS eats salad.

A 46-year-old migrant from Laos living in Oregon who has been battling cancer for nearly a decade won the $1.3 billion jackpot last month the state lottery confirmed after verifying his ticket, CBS News reports.

“I am grateful for the lottery and how I have been blessed,” Cheng Saephan told reporters at a Monday news conference where officials introduced him; Oregon Lottery regulation requires winners of major jackpots be named publicly and cannot be anonymous. “I am able to provide for my family and my health. … My life has been changed. Now I can bless my family and hire a good doctor for myself.”

Saephan said he is also sharing the jackpot with his wife and a 55-year-old friend Laiza Chao who added $100 to the pool for tickets to the lottery.  After realizing he held the winning ticket, which the group will take as a single $422 million lump sum payment after taxes, Saephan said he called Chao: “I said, ‘Laiza, where are you?’ and she said, ‘I’m going to work,'” said Saephan. “I replied, ‘You don’t have to go anymore.'”

Third-tier conservative propaganda network Newsmax wants John Catsimatidis, the CEO of two New York grocery store chains who also co-owns The Hill and WABC Radio, about why Dominion Voting Systems is not suing him because his media outlets regularly repeated the lies told about the voting technology company, the Daily Beast reports.

Newsmax wants Catsimatidis and his two media companies, Red Apple Media and WABC Radio, to turn over any information it has regarding potential litigation from Dominion. Catsimatidis himself hosts a show on WABC where election conspiracies have been discussed, but Dominion has not filed suit or made demands against Catsimatidis or his companies.

“Dominion has sued neither Mr. Catsimatidis nor any of his media companies notwithstanding that they broadcast essentially the same news stories, statements and content at issue in Dominion’s lawsuits against Newsmax, One America News Network, and Fox News,” the petition seeking the information state, adding  “Notably, Mr. Catsimatidis and his media company, WABC radio, broadcast essentially the same news stories at issue in the Newsmax and Fox News litigations. For example, WABC broadcast numerous statements by Rudy Giuliani concerning Dominion and allegations of voter fraud.”

The drag queen personae former Republican New York Congressman George Anthony DeVolder Santos exhibited at Carnival in Rio will be making a cameo on Cameo this spring, as Kitara Rivache will have her own channel, NBC News reports.

Santos claims 20% of the funds raised through the limited-time channel will go to two charities, Tunnels to Towers which benefits first responders, and The Fellowship which works against anti-semitism.  But there’s a dog’s charity fund would like a word if you believe that.

“That case [the Manhattan election fraud prosecution] should be thrown out,” a shockingly not homeless alleged multi-state criminal co-conspirator Rudy Giuliani sprays.  “The Supreme Court could intervene sua sponte and throw the case out, and throw the judge out, and put the little [indecipherable] right in jail.  They’re more dangerous to this country–Demonico (?), Garland, with his son-in-law and this guy Colangelo, and Bragg–basically they are involved in a massive obstruction of justice in prosecuting an innocent man, interfering in an election, and in many ways a form of being treasonous against the United States. They are worse than the Mafia.”  He added later, “You know why we’re tougher than them, Steve?  We’re not ruthless; we’re honest.  They don’t understand honesty.”

In Rudy’s addled mind, the people following the law by filing charges after a grand jury indictment and trying a case in front of a jury of the defendant’s peers are the ones who should be tried for treason, not the guy who calls for extrajudicial imprisonment of court and prosecutorial staff.

Multiple officers were wounded and a standoff remains ongoing after a suspect opened fire as a U.S. Marshals Fugitive Task Force team, comprised of members from multiple federal, state and local agencies, closed in on his location, the Charlotte Observer reports.

It’s unclear who the suspect is or what he’s wanted for.  Officials say the shooter continues to be holed up at a house and the situation is contained to a local area in East Charlotte as of 4:00 p.m. ET.

UPDATE 6:25 p.m. ET:  NBC News now reports three US Marshals were killed and four officers with the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department were shot, one of whom was in critical condition.  The suspect is dead.

A Michigan teen is in big trouble after leaving grisly, lifeless remains of the victim of a hit and run accident stuck on the front of his truck as he continued driving shitfaced and oblivious to the limbs flapping on his windshield before passing out at a gas station, the Lansing State Journal reports.

A passerby noticed the flailing of the unfortunate soul’s mortal coil and called police, who stopped the unidentified 18 year-old male Springport resident in his Ford truck. The victim, which appears to be a six or seven-year old maple or maybe an oak tree, was pronounced dead at the scene. The driver was hospitalized with minor injuries and is expected to face charges including DWI and aggravated vehicular treeslaughter… if that’s actually a statue in Michigan. We’ll look into that.

Russian dictator Vladimir Putin, hailed globally by right wingers as a paragon of conservative governance, is looking to raise taxes on citizens this summer to plug holes in the Kremlin’s finances wrought by the war in Ukraine and other self-created economic shitshows, Semafor reports.

Would be foolish to expect fanboys in the US and other western countries to suddenly start questioning the Putin Regime’s awesomeness now that he’s acting like a socialist. If they acknowledge it at all it’ll be “Well look what Biden and Soros made him do with their sanctions,” etc.

I’m thrilled to announce that my new children’s book “The Princess & her Pup” is now available for pre-order at https://t.co/YnRynaoRJ7

I partnered with @BraveBooksUS on this heartfelt story that teaches children that it’s easier to be courageous with a friend by your side.

And… pic.twitter.com/mFFOPryUn4

— Kimberly Guilfoyle (@kimguilfoyle) April 29, 2024

Days after we learned one of her father-in-law’s leading potential vice presidential options murdered a dog (and a goat) in a gravel pit because she was angry at it, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Don Jr.’s personal step-Oedipal complex who’s a year older than Melania, debuts a children’s book to indoctrinate youngsters in the me-first MAGA mindset.  Maybe this one has a better ending for Cricket.

First son and acclaimed paint artist Hunter Biden’s legal team on Monday demanded Fox News remove all their nude images of him and apologize for all the bullshit stories about “bribery” or face a defamation lawsuit, CNN reports on Hunter smelling blood after that whole Dominion thing.

Commie Karen thinks she’s above the law. https://t.co/J0njbgI4LE

— Catturd ™ (@catturd2) April 29, 2024

Twitter’s leading conservative thinker probably should’ve read up on Monroe County DA Sandra Doorley, who’s actually about as MAGA as they come, before he called her a “Commie Karen” over her refusing to pull over and then cursing out a local cop after she was caught speeding.

Just hours before the deadline on Friday, Aaron Dimmick, former naval aviator backed by vengeful loser former Speaker Kevin McCarthy filed the paperwork to enter a Republican primary challenge to credibly suspected statutory rapist Matt Gaetz in Florida’s 1st District, PNJ.com reports.

The US Supreme Court on Monday issued a unanimous ruling in former White House Economic Dickbag and shitty board game entrepreneur Peter Navarro’s petition to be released from jail, freeing the addled 70-something conspiracy theorist from federal prison… when his four month sentence for criminal contempt of Congress ends in July. And yes that was a lame bait and switch but it would be pretty fucking funny if that was the way his lawyers told him that Los Supremos denied cert.

The court on Monday also validated Elon Musk’s claim that his First Amendment free speech rights are being violated… by declining to hear his complaint claiming that a settlement he agreed to with the Securities and Exchange Commission violated his First Amendment free speech rights.

Never trust a junkie pic.twitter.com/f2ZxDmWJg5

— Ramble_Rants (@ramble_rants) April 29, 2024

The “Dilley Meme Team,” which previously brought you hits like “Trikki Nikki,” depicting former South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley as a street hooker and “God made Trump,” depicting former President Trump as the Third Revelation, has now turned their fire on Robert F Kennedy Jr, almost certainly on orders from the highest echelons of the Trump Campaign following a panicked reversal by the fat orange fuck over a small handful of national polls finding the recovered heroin addict taking more Trump than Biden votes. Again, just last month Trump posted triumphantly that Kennedy “is going to be taking votes from Crooked Joe Biden, which would be a great service to America… He is Crooked Joe Biden’s Political Opponent, not mine. I love that he is running!”

Sources tell the Washington Post that Disgraced former President Trump is tired of Kari Lake’s presence at Mar-a-Lago and is starting to worry that her rubbing elbows with her fellow MAGA royalty at their gilded redoubt/active federal crime scene rather than actually on the campaign trail in the Grand Canyon State to the point where he worries it could affect his chances there up-ballot.

The fat bastard was possibly even worried about what Lake’s wire has picked up after she brought down now-former Arizona GOP chair Jeff DeWit by recording an attempt to bribe her out of the race for the Senate seat currently occupied by useless lame-duck “independent” Kyrsten Sinema. “She tapes everything?” he asked his minions during a meeting in New Hampshire “That’s good to know.”

“She’s the candidate we have,” a person involved in GOP Senate campaigns tolf the Post, even though that’s not technically true given that the primary election isn’t until June 30th. “They keep saying she’s a team player and doing all this travel,” the person said, adding “our position is, if you want to help the team, go home and win the seat,” rather than going to goddamned Mar-a-Lago and MAGA rallies outside the state. Presumptive Dem Senate nominee Ruben Gallego has even visited the southern border more times than Lake, per the Post. Even beyond that others see Lake as falling into the same self-created traps that doomed her in the 2022 gubernatorial race.

“She needs to get away from this idea that the Trump wing of the party is going to be enough to get her across the finish line in a general election. Especially when it comes to general elections here, you have to start talking about things that the broader electorate cares about, and Kari didn’t do that two years ago,” said Arizona GOP consultant Chad Willems. Good luck with that bro.