“Australia is making a terrible humanitarian mistake by allowing the Iran National Woman’s Soccer team to be forced back to Iran, where they will most likely be killed. Don’t do it, Mr Prime Minister, give ASYLUM. The US will take them if you won’t,” posted the FIFA Peace laureate on Monday.

The post came a little under an hour after CNN printed a story headlined “Five Iranian women’s soccer players safe with police after fleeing team as supporters plead for action in Australia,” which would seem to indicate that Trump simply just doesn’t know what the fuck is going on.

I happen to believe drones will be a much better investment than companies that still print newspapers. @wsj https://t.co/ipWAm5u5qK

— Eric Trump (@EricTrump) March 9, 2026

Sources in the US intel establishment have concluded that the likeliest culprit in the February 28th bombing of an elementary school for girls was the US military, CBS News reports on the reality that the blood of 168 civilians, the vast majority of them young girls aged 7 to 12, is on American hands.

Officials have concluded that the atrocious fuckup was the result of dated intelligence that had indicated the building – formerly part of an adjacent Iranian Revolutionary Guard installation that was struck in the initial assault that day – was still a legitimate military target. Such nuance was not part of convicted felon President Trump’s explanation for the horrific collateral damage, as he told a reporter “We think it was done by Iran, because they’re very inaccurate with their munitions, they have no accuracy whatsoever, it was done by Iran,” on board Air Force One on Saturday.

Initially there had been some attempts by US officials to blame it on Israel. Wasn’t that much of stretch after years of genocidally depraved indifference to human life in Gaza, but video of the strike emerging on Monday shows a projectile consistent with a BGM or UGM-109 Tomahawk Land Attack Missile – found only in American arsenals – soaring toward the site during the attack.

Ultimately it is a war crime committed in our name, however there’s still some room to note how on-brand this is for Tehran’s regard for their own people – less than two months after a crackdown on civil unrest that by some estimates left as many as 25,000 dead – to have flipped some military building into a girls’ school. Whether deliberate or not, it’s hard to believe that nobody on their side had never even at least considered that it might’ve come under fire at some point, especially if the site had only been partially rather than completely vacated by the IRGC. Again, this does not wash American hands, especially when a thorough-enough satellite analysis probably would’ve made it clear the building was off-limits. It can also be true that the Iranians either stupidly – or maliciously, to help further politically undermine Trump’s stupid war – put those girls in harm’s way.

“Help Corey ‘Big Hoss’ Harrison Recover from Devastating Motorcycle Accident in Mexico. My name is Aron Chambers, and Corey Harrison is one of my closest friends. If you’ve watched Pawn Stars, you know Corey – ‘Big Hoss’ – as the quick-witted guy behind the counter who always brings the laughs and tough negotiations. Off camera, he’s just Corey: loyal, proud, independent, and someone who’s always there for his friends and family. Right now, though, he needs our help more than ever.”

“With his full knowledge and blessing, we’re raising emergency funds to cover more than $100,000 in medical bills and related expenses after a serious motorcycle accident in Tulum, Mexico, that left him fighting for his life. Just days before his father Rick Harrison’s wedding in Cancun in February 2026,” says the “Pawn Stars Corey Harrison Needs Help after Motorcycle crash” GoFundMe page.

Weird how he can’t just say “Ehhhhh, $18,000 to fix my grievous wounds suffered while I was speeding on a motorcycle in Tulum before my dad’s second wedding to my third stepmom, a Russian lady two months younger than me isn’t really going to work. Best I can do is $300.” Or that the History Channel’s health insurance plan doesn’t cover injuries suffered overseas. Or that his wealthy dad, who everyone knows to be a greedy asshole, is that greedy of an asshole that he won’t kick in the $18,000, instead forcing him to ask for the money from the terrible show’s fans on GoFundMe.

'SHOW SOME GUTS': President Trump addressed the recent spike in oil prices during an interview with @kilmeade as the conflict in Iran enters its second week.

"These ships should go through the Strait of Hormuz and show some guts, there's nothing to be afraid of… They have no… pic.twitter.com/pbIqLgGFID

— FOX & Friends (@foxandfriends) March 9, 2026

With the earliest possible decision day now at the end of the month, the US Supreme Court has now officially screwed Republicans out of the chance to destroy around 12 majority-minority districts across the South by withholding their expected gutting of the VRA, the Huffington Post reports.

“Short term oil prices, which will drop rapidly when the destruction of the Iran nuclear threat is over, is a very small price to pay for USA, and World, Safety and Peace. ONLY FOOLS WOULD THINK DIFFERENTLY!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Sunday.

Credit goes to @BadFoxGraphics for this catch: The fat bastard took a lot of heat from Twitter libs for wearing one of his stupid hats to the dignified transfer of the remains of the six service members killed in the Iranian drone attack on their command post in Kuwait last weekend, heat that Fox News was obviously cognizant of, and for which they just straight up lied to their audience and reused footage from a December 2025 transfer, even putting “Saturday” in the corner of the B-roll.

“Great Job by hard working Scott Pressler on Fox and Friends talking about using the Filibuster, or Talking Filibuster, in order to pass THE SAVE AMERICA ACT, an 88 percent issue with ALL VOTERS. It must be done immediately. It supersedes everything else. MUST GO TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE. I, as President, will not sign other Bills until this is passed, AND NOT THE WATERED DOWN VERSION”

“GO FOR THE GOLD: MUST SHOW VOTER ID and PROOF OF CITIZENSHIP: NO MAIL-IN BALLOTS EXCEPT FOR MILITARY – ILLNESS, DISABILITY, TRAVEL: NO MEN IN WOMEN’S SPORTS: NO TRANSGENDER MUTILIZATION FOR CHILDREN! DO NOT FAIL!!!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Sunday morning. Hopefully “mutilization” makes it into the exact text.

This is both a classic and is kind of scientifically accurate. Really only the few appearances of basaltic, Hawaiian-style lava in about two scenes is the most major sin of Dante’s Peak.

It’s actually worse than the first thing you thought of when you saw the headline as “human compost” does not mean “people manure.” It means human remains which, until Friday, the San Joaquin River Parkway Trust in Fresno County, California had been using to enrich soil for the 76-acre preserve’s plant life, a fertilization method the trust’s executive director Sharon Weaver told local station ABC 30 is “a more environmentally friendly way to deal with somebody after they die.”

Prior to the trust’s Friday compliance with a cease and desist from the county, Weaver had defended the, uh, disposal site’s partnership with local private business “Earth Funerals” as having “all the normal components of compost. We do a test on every load. Earth Funerals has to do a lot of testing at their site to make sure they are complying with regulations.” Weaver did not get into specifics about what “every load” meant, as in the typical condition of the remains upon delivery to the site.

The California San Joaquin River Conservancy, a state agency, had previously demanded that the trust, a privately-incorporated non-profit, stop using people compost and to remove it within 45 days, a demand that was escalated this week with the county’s stop order and a joint press conference by officials from both decrying this most macabre of endpoints to granola hippie culture.

“Not human waste, human remains that has been turned into compost into the soil,” Conservancy chair Garry Bredefeld said at the Friday briefing, reiterating the emphatic distinction in this article’s opener. Weaver told ABC 30 she has no problem with the county’s halt as no further deliveries from Earth Funerals are scheduled currently. She did not however speak to the conservancy’s order to to dig up and cart away God knows how much of the ghastly “compost” already buried there.

Millions of lucky folks living in British Columbia, Canada’s third most-populous province, will be stuck with their final-ever “Spring Forward” on Sunday morning – and “Fall Back” come November – as the BC Attorney General this week announced the government “will adopt permanent, year-round daylight saving time after clocks shift forward an hour on Sunday, March 8, 2026. People and businesses will have eight months to prepare for the elimination of the next time change, previously scheduled for Nov 1, 2026. Eliminating twice-yearly time changes reduces disruptions for families, simplifies scheduling and provides an extra hour of evening light during the winter months.”

Lucky bastards. All legislative movement to switch to year-round Daylight Saving Time in the US has been stuck for years. Plenty of state legislatures have passed laws doing so but it’s meaningless without any change to the Uniform Time Act of 1966, which maddeningly allows states to stop observing DST if they so choose but specifically prohibits doing the opposite as British Columbia just did – and Yukon did back in 2020. So come November, after decades of being in sync year-round, Vancouver and Seattle, two metros separated by a national border but close enough in proximity and with cultural and economic ties will abruptly find themselves an hour apart.

There probably aren’t going to be much if any other similarly sudden WTFs in the near or middle-term that might finally prompt Congress to end this madness once and for all – despite having come so tantalizingly close back in 2022 when then-Senator Marco Rubio’s bill for year-round DST passed the chamber by a fluke unanimous consent only for then-Speaker Nancy Pelosi to fail to bring it to the House floor – so here’s hoping the new difference between Washington State and British Columbia sparks a renewed momentum. Everyone’s in for a lousy week coming up, nobody likes seeing the sun set before 5 PM in November and December, let’s just get this bullshit over with.

An new assessment compiled by the National Intelligence Council says that the US military, even projecting a maximal assault on Iran, is unlikely to ever oust Iran’s deeply-entrenched hardline clerics and security services, the Washington Post reports on convicted felon President Trump’s folly.

The Post’s reporting on the unfortunate assessment came less than an hour after the fat bastard posted “Iran, which is being beat to HELL, has apologized and surrendered to its Middle East neighbors, and promised that it will not shoot at them anymore. This promise was only made because of the relentless US and Israeli attack. They were looking to take over and rule the Middle East. It is the first time that Iran has ever lost, in thousands of years, to surrounding Middle Eastern Countries. They have said, ‘Thank you President Trump.’ I have said, ‘You’re welcome!’ Iran is no longer the ‘Bully of the Middle East,’ they are, instead, ‘THE LOSER OF THE MIDDLE EAST,’ and will be for many decades until they surrender or, more likely, completely collapse! Today Iran will be hit very hard! Under serious consideration for complete destruction and certain death, because of Iran’s bad behavior, are areas and groups of people that were not considered for targeting up until this moment in time. Thank you for your attention to this matter!” on his lame Twitter clone.

Oily car thief Republican California Congressman Darrell Issa won’t be running for reelection in November, eight years after the last time the fucker retired, sources tell Politico.

A Scranton, Pennsylvania man used Biden Street in the Steamtown City as his means of attempted escape when fleeing from a confrontation with police over unpaid child support Monday, a flight from which he unironically left his five year-old behind, the Scranton Times Tribune reports.

Mark Sheridan, 32, was in the Domestic Relations Office on Wyoming Ave when staff there county sheriffs that the wanted man was present with young child. When cops arrived they found Sheridan in the lobby and somehow he was able to flee the second they informed him they wanted to speak with him. The police yelled to Sheridan he had forgotten the child and yet he continued to flee, jumping into his car a driving down nearby Biden Street, named in recent years for the native son 46th President of the United States and, indirectly so, fellow famous derelict deadbeat dad Hunter.

Police swiftly caught up with Sheridan, prompting him to flee on foot. Police officers and sheriff’s deputies finally subdued Sheridan a few blocks away under the Lackawanna Ave bridge. Sheridan is charged with endangering the welfare of a child and fleeing police. He remains at the Lackawanna County Prison in lieu of $20,000 bail. The boy was retrieved by his mother shortly after the incident.

Two years apart pic.twitter.com/c2qsWgFJDO

— Headquarters (@HQNewsNow) March 6, 2026

Global gaming giant Nintendo on Friday sued the Orange Bowser in the US Court of International Trade seeking to clawback all the golden coins they got charged in his stupid, failed trade war.