Yeah, we know:  it wasn’t really a race. With just under 86% of the vote counted, the Orlando Sentinel declared Donald Trump the winner of the 2024 Florida Republican Primary, with Nikki Haley holding about 14% of the vote and Little Ron DeSantis, the lame duck governor of Florida, taking less than 4%.

White collar criminal and skull-like Florida Senator Rick Scott tells the Huffington Post’s Igor Bobic he doesn’t “know why any Jewish person would support Democrats. They’re not holding – the Biden administration is not holding Hamas accountable and they’re trying to get more money to Gaza, which gives money to terrorists.” Scott for some reason didn’t say the Biden Administration was secretly funding Hamas via Iran like he did while the October 7th attack was still going on.

Among real food and power shortages that Republicans pretend are happening on the other side of the Florida Strait, Cubans have taken to the streets to protest the insufficient supply of necessary commodities, and Havana’s government is blaming the US for its citizens’ dissatisfaction, NBC News reports.

Saying the US is being “interventionist” with “contempt” for the Cuban people, Cuban President Miguel Díaz-Canel said of US State Department denials, “We are free, sovereign and independent, and we are going to continue building our revolution, despite the tightening of the blockade, despite the fact that we have been included on a spurious list that can only be invented by a government as genocidal and as hegemonic as the government of the United States.”

If Díaz-Canel wasn’t a committed communist, he and Donald Trump sound like they would be good friends, with Kim Jong-un and Vladimir Putin.

President Joe Biden’s reelection campaign has landed at least six bundlers who previously backed former South Carolina Gov Nikki Haley’s failed presidential bid, brought on board via movie mogul Jeffrey Katzenberg’s connections to media exec Harry Sloan, who previously supported Haley and is now on board with Biden, CNBC reports on the kind of winning you won’t get tired of.

“People I know who are generally business Republicans, they’re going to hear from me [about helping Biden],” Sloan told CNBC, adding that he plans to hold a big fundraiser for Joe this year.

“[Texas Senate Bill 4] is just another example of Republican officials politicizing the border while blocking real solutions. We remained focused on delivering the significant policy changes and resources we need to secure the border. That is why we continue to call on Congressional Republicans to pass the bipartisan border security agreement, the toughest and fairest set of border reforms in decades,” writes White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre in a statement responding to the US Supreme Court allowing Texas to arrest any brown person and figure out if they’re an illegal immigrant later as the cases against it wind their way through lower courts.

Fat former President Trump was asked – or possibly informed of for the first time since Fox News wasn’t covering it, even though it actually happened live on their network – if he had any thoughts on his former Numero Dos Mike Pence’s undorsement of his 2024 comeback bid on account of the whole trying to get Pence lynched thing. “I couldn’t care less,” Trump told reporters in Florida after he voted in Tuesday primary. “We need strong people in this country. We don’t need weak people.”

The Orange Pharaoh, appearing in public with wife Melania for the first time in who the fuck knows, also doubled down on his anti-semitic rants about Jewish Dems. “Democrats have been very, very opposed to Jewish people,” Trump said, adding he’s “doing very well with the Jewish voters.”

Douchebag right wing billionaire Kevin O’Leary notably did not say yes Tuesday when dipshit Fox Business News host Larry Kudlow begged him to step in and save Donald Trump’s fat ass with a $460 million loan, instead telling Kudlow that somehow the US Supreme Court will step in to stop it.

RNC co-chair Lara Trump on Tuesday told NBC News in a statement she will not in fact be hiring Islamophobic QAnon fan activist Scott Presler to lead their ballot “chasing” operations (“chasing” we guess is the new euphemism for “harvesting”) this year, possibly because the last time Presler was officially employed by a Republican entity it ended with him getting fired from the Virginia GOP in 2016 for having sex with another man in the office and posting pics of the encounter on Craigslist.

“Scott Presler has shown what a single individual can accomplish when it comes to activating voters across the country,” Lara Trump said, praising the former Gays for Trump chair. “I look forward to having his support as both of our organizations share the same goal of getting our friends and neighbors out to vote in this crucial election.” Presler did not respond to NBC’s request for comment.

“From 1789 to 2023, no former, or current, President faced criminal charges for his official acts – for good reason. The President cannot function, and the Presidency itself cannot retain its vital independence, if the President faces criminal prosecution for official acts once he leaves office. The President’s ‘personal vulnerability,’ Nixon v. Fitzgerald, to such prosecution would inevitably ‘distort’ the President’s ‘decision making process with respect to official acts,’ Trump v Vance.”

“A denial of criminal immunity would incapacitate every future President with de facto blackmail and extortion while in office, and condemn him to years of post-office trauma at the hands of political opponents. The threat of future prosecution and imprisonment would become a political cudgel to influence the most sensitive and controversial Presidential decisions, taking away the strength, authority, and decisiveness of the Presidency. The DC Circuit’s ruling, if allowed to stand, ‘deeply wounds the President, by substantially reducing the President’s ability to protect himself'” write disgraced former President Trump’s asshole lawyers in their brief on US v Trump.

Not like it matters. It could’ve said “If I don’t get immunity it will be a bloodbath of death and destruction the likes of which the crooked socialist RINOs on the Supreme Court have never seen before,” and it would have no bearing on Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas, and Neil Gorsuch’s ultimate opinions. They’re going to rule in his favor and the outcome depends only on what the “middle” of John Roberts, Beer Me Brett, and Amy Coney Barrett decide to do about fat Donald.

“Derek Myers, the American First [sic] candidate in the 11-way primary race for the Republican nomination in Ohio’s Second Congressional Race has conceded. ‘Tonight did not go as we had hoped, but as we know, this race is decided in the primary. I want to give my congratulations to the Congressman-Elect. I’m looking forward to uniting behind him and working with him to get President Trump re-elected to the White House and evicting Joe Biden'” Derek said from a private watch party in Chillicothe, surrounded by 100 of his close friends and supporters. ‘Listen, I’m in my thirties and I’ve got thirty-or-fifty more years left – and that’s if I live a good life. I’m looking forward to staying in the arena of Ohio politics and working with all Republicans to make Ohio great again!” says a press release from Ohio 2nd District Republican primary candidate Derek Myers’s campaign.

Polls have not closed, nor is it “tonight” yet, so it’s obvious the dumbass’s campaign sent this out to the media accidentally… as was this obviously very much staged video with fake audio of the crowd, lol. Myers’s previous claim to fame was accusing George Santos of sexually harassing and extorting him for “pizza” during a very brief stint that Myers worked on the future convict’s staff.

Republican Indiana Senator Todd Young tells Hoosier blogger Dave Bangert he will not vote for disgraced former President Trump in November, sort of surprising since Young’s among the vast majority who voted to acquit the fat fuck in both of his impeachment trials and even though he was never expected to explicitly endorse Donald, this is definitely taking it a step or two further.

“Does that mean I identify another conservative who’s almost certain not to be the next president and write them in? I haven’t decided that,” Young said of his personal voting intent that in practice does not matter at all but does help bolster the permission structure that Mike Pence, Nikki Haley, Asa Hutchinson, and others have been building for marginal Republican voters.

“On March 3, 2024, an incident occurred in the Komodo Kingdom employee service area that resulted in a staff member being injured. Our initial investigation establishes that most injuries came as the result of bite wounds inflicted by one of the Komodo dragons. Our chief concern is for our valued team member, who is currently recovering at home. We will update as more information is available, consistent with privacy requirements and Federal law. We also want to honor our employee’s privacy, so we are providing no other details at this time. A Komodo dragon not involved in the staff member’s injuries was also injured, and is stable and recovering,” said the Akron Ohio Zoo in a statement on an incident earlier this month, titled “Komodo Dragon Situation.”

An update reading “The Occupational Safety and Health Administration conducted an investigation beginning on March 4, 2024 and has now determined that there were no employer violations of safety standards by the Akron Zoo,” was added Tuesday. We have questions however about the nature of the “dragon not involved in the staff member’s injuries was also injured, and is stable and recovering,” part. Like was the zookeeper trying to break up a fight between the two dragons and the second one was the loser or was this more like a “bench-clearing brawl” where the second dragon was jumping into the first one’s attack on the zookeeper but another human stepped in and cracked it in the jaw? There’s gotta be video of this human vs reptiles fight somewhere too.

Montana’s state Supreme Court on Tuesday dickpunched Attorney General Austin Knudsen and overturned his finding that the proposed November ballot measure to enshrine the right to abortion in the state constitution was”legally insufficient,” the Montana Free Press Reports.

The measure still faces a gauntlet from a legislative review and needs to secure 60,000 petition signatures before June 21st, but if it makes it to the ballot it will almost certainly end up passing and provide a serious tailwind for incumbent Democratic Senator Jon Tester, who, although he’s popular in the state, will still face a tough battle to get enough Trump ticket-splitters.

Former Trump White House Economic something and failed board game entrepreneur Peter Navarro on Tuesday turned himself in to a Florida federal prison to begin serving his four month sentence after being convicted of criminal contempt of Congress last year, CBS’s Scott MacFarlane reports.

House Oversight Democrats have landed “Fraud Guarantee” guy and former Rudy Giuliani pal Lev Parnas as their minority witness for Chairbilly James Comer’s big Wednesday “impeachment” hearing, also starring square-headed Hunter Biden “whistleblower” Tony Bobulinski and another guy who will be literally testifying via Zoom from federal prison, Jamie Raskin tells CNN.

“Lev Parnas can debunk the bogus claims at the heart of the impeachment probe and, in the process, explain how the GOP ended up in this degraded and embarrassing place,” Raskin said.

Parnas, a Ukrainian immigrant who worked with Rudy to fabricate the false claims about the Bidens that led to Trump’s first impeachment, was first indicted during the 2019 inquiry and ultimately did 20 months in the clink for campaign finance fraud, wire fraud, and false statements. Since then Parnas appears, sincerely or not, to have “turned heel” on MAGA and last year wrote a letter to Comer saying “the narrative you are seeking for this investigation has been proven false many times over, by a wide array of respected sources. There is simply no merit to investigating this matter any further.” Parnas’s son Aaron is now a lib influencer with a very large Twitter following.

A source told CNN that Dems had considered bringing in Michael Cohen, but decided to go with Parnas as “Cohen could have spoken directly to how Trump used the White House to enrich himself, but Parnas can speak directly to how Trump used sketchy sources to fabricate dirt on Biden.” We were already looking forward to this hearing but goddamn that just went from a 10 to a 14 or 15.

A new $120 million pledge announced Tuesday by the League of Conservation Voters pushes the total outside spending plans to reelect President Biden to over $1 billion, the New York Times reports on the Avengers assembling once more to take on the forces of white nationalist tyranny.

Tom Cruise flashes muscular abs while hanging out at Hollywood landmark https://t.co/EJKFxop0EB

— Fox News (@FoxNews) March 19, 2024

The Brazilian Supreme Court on Tuesday unsealed an indictment against disgraced former President Jair Bolsonaro and 16 accomplices for faking his COVID-19 vaccination record, the AP reports on the first but probably not the last criminal case the “Trump of the Tropics” will have to face.

Brazil’s justice system leaves the prosecutor-general’s with the final say on whether or not to actually bring the charges, so it’s not like Bolsonaro and his goons – accused of tampering with the vax records during his post-defeat lame duck period in 2022 – is definitely facing trial as of this moment, though it’s hard to see how the leftist Lula government isn’t going to put a hurting on Jair.

Donald Trump the corrupt piece of shit failure businessman and Donald Trump the corrupt piece of shit failure politician are both very much seriously fucked when it comes to money these days.

On the business side, barring a reprieve from the courts, as of Tuesday Trump has just six days until both his option for an appeal is closed off and New York State Attorney General Letitia James can begin collecting the $464 million the fat fuck owes for his fraud. No fewer than 30 potential suretors turned him down for the bond – including the scumbags at Chubb who covered the $91 million for the EJ Carroll defamation case. Reportedly they were the only ones who even entertained it and only with real estate put up as collateral, a condition rapey Donald obviously balked at.

“Judge Engoron actually wants me to put up Hundreds of Millions of Dollars for the Right to Appeal his ridiculous decision. In other words, he is trying to take my Appellate Rights away from me when I have already won at the Appellate Division, but he refuses to accept their already made decision. Nobody has ever heard of anything like this before. I would be forced to mortgage or sell Great Assets, perhaps at Fire Sale prices, and if and when I win the Appeal, they would be gone. Does that make sense? WITCH HUNT. ELECTION INTERFERENCE!” Trump posted Tuesday morning during an hours-long meltdown at Engoron, still bizarrely lying about the “I have already won at the Appellate Division” part. He then added “I shouldn’t have to put up any money, being forced by the Corrupt Judge and AG, until the end of the appeal. That’s the way system works!” which is just lol.