Convicted felon President Trump will on Tuesday sign an order reviving the Presidential Fitness Test Award, Bloomberg reports without so much as a wink at the undead soul of irony.

Let alone two – the first being the lazy slob wants to impose physical fitness requirements on American schoolkids that he could not achieve, though he will absolutely claim he can. Then there’s the overall, generalized sense of “fitness” beyond physicality which no, not even close.

According to an article batshit maniac Laura Loomer printed on her lame website in December and reposted this morning, the main challenger to Trump-endorsed tech bro douche Vivek “Da Vek” Ramaswamy in Tuesday’s Ohio GOP gubernatorial primary is a Tuck Carlson-backed more MAGA-than-Trump-type named Casey Putsch. Loomer’s prooooobably overstating the danger from the dude she freaked out at for having tweeted “Donald J Trump… allegedly been giving BJs to old Bubba and super pals with Jeffrey Epstein and covering up the biggest and most evil child sex trafficking ring…” and replying “I agree… Hell has frozen over” to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez calling for Trump to be impeached for bombing Iran last year. God forbid there be some iconoclasm in the GOP.

Anyway it’ll be a real kampf for Putsch against Ramaswamy, who is Aryan. Like the original kind of Aryan, not the Nazi kind. Putsch just doesn’t have the same level of name ID among the volk.

Still there might be one solid vote for Putsch in the Columbus area: There is literally a couple with the surname Hitler, two of just eight nationwide – three of the other six their collage-aged kids – on VoterRecords.com to have public records showing them to not have just changed it to Hutter or Hitland or something close but also innocuous. Yes, both of the parents are registered Republicans.

The Bureau of Economic Analysis’s March trade report finds US exports at “$320.9 billion, $6.2 billion more than February exports. March imports were $381.2 billion, $8.7 billion more than February imports. The March increase in the goods and services deficit reflected an increase in the goods deficit of $4.1 billion to $88.7 billion and an increase in the services surplus of $1.6 billion to $28.4 billion. Year-to-date, the goods and services deficit decreased $211.2 billion, or 55.0 percent, from the same period in 2025. Exports increased $100.2 billion or 12.0 percent. Imports decreased $111.0 billion or 9.1 percent. The average goods and services deficit decreased $4.2 billion to $57.6 billion for the three months ending in March,” and damn if that doesn’t look like another Trump failure given his moronic fixation on the trade deficit as inherently a bad thing.

Editor’s note: The joke about “General Tendies” does not require explanation.

In a stark warning to Iran of what happens to boats that annoy the Trump Administration, US Navy forces blew up a boat in the Carribbean on Monday, killing two and wordlessly sending the message of what’s theoretically possible to do to Tehran’s naval forces, the AP reports.

A long time ago, a merger was proposed…

One that may have saved a struggling airline…

But the Empire had other plans@PeteButtigieg @SenWarren pic.twitter.com/4jEt3akPyO

— Secretary Sean Duffy (@SecDuffy) May 4, 2026

North Carolina MAGA Congressman Chuck Edwards, the douchebag who conferred a medal of McValor to convicted felon President Trump during a press conference that was supposed to be about the destruction of Asheville in 2024, once told a young female aide that she had “written a complex chapter in my heart” in a letter he gave to her as she left his office that Axios obtained.

The young lady is one of several who have reported Edwards acting MAGApropriately to them while working in his office, something which the creppy 60-something uncle denies.

The intro to Spirit Airlines’ Monday Chapter 11 liquidation filing reads “As set forth in the Declaration of Fred Cromer in Support of (I) the Wind-Down Motions and (II) the Motion to Shorten (the ‘Cromer Declaration’), filed contemporaneously, recent geopolitical events resulted in a massive and sustained increase in fuel prices, and a corresponding rapid and unexpected decline in the Debtors’ liquidity situation,” emphasis added on cause but a search shows the words “Biden” and “Buttigieg” completely absent from the paperwork. Wait, gotta check for “Liz Warren” and… nothing.

“Jonathan Karl, of ABC Fake News, made a statement that I called him early morning, the day after the assassination attempt, to ask whether or not HE was OK. No, this was a hit on ME, not HIM, and I didn’t make such a call, why would I do that? He called me, but I didn’t take his call. He just confirmed that to me when he called again. I would say that’s very dishonest reporting. He’s trying to make himself look important. I’m not surprised, because it comes from ABC Fake News!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Monday, eight days after Karl had described the call to ABC’s This Week the Sunday morning after the aborted White House Correspondents’ dinner.

Hilariously MAGA site the Daily Caller carried Karl’s account the next day, in a way that was fairly obviously meant to make Trump look kind, benevolent, and chummy with Karl. “My phone rang shortly after 7 am. My landline, George, actually a number that few people call, and it was President Trump calling. He was, he said at first he was calling to see if I was OK with what happened last night and then he reiterated many of the things he said in his press conference last night, emphasizing the unity that he felt in that moment that he felt at the dinner before the shooting and certainly after with the people who reached out to him,” Karl said, per the fat right propaganda mill.

This bullshit is getting old. Fox News’s Trey Yingst reports convicted felon President Trump said that Iran will be “blown off the face of the Earth” if any American vessels are targeted.

In a galaxy that demands strength – America stands ready.

This is the way. May the 4th be with you. pic.twitter.com/S8dOKOVd5P

— The White House (@WhiteHouse) May 4, 2026

The US Supreme Court on Monday unblocked the Fifth Circuit’s Friday decision blocking the availability of mifepristone via telehealth, mail and pharmacies, the AP’s Meg Kinnard reports.

A group of Senate Republicans are planning a gesture at pretending they still matter and drafting a war powers resolution to be floated if an when convicted felon President Trump unilaterally orders new strikes on Iran, Semafor reports on the learned meaninglessness of Congress.

Warning Fox Business Newsidiot Maria Bartiromo and her audience that “Democrats want to turn America into a one party nation. They’ll turn DC and Puerto Rico into states. They’ll nationalize our elections – automatic registration, mail-in balloting. So we need to stop them,” Republican Wisconsin Senator Ron “RonAnon” Johnson on Monday emphasized the importance of killing the Senate filibuster and solidifying MAGA rule before the Ds gain enough control to do exactly that same thing.

A “senior US official” tells Axios that convicted felon President Trump “wants action. He doesn’t want to sit still. He wants pressure. He wants a deal” with Iran to unfuck the Strait of Hormuz situation that he alone inspired them to weaponize through his fecklessness and incompetence.

The source added that the fat idiot’s “Project Freedom” plan to have the US Navy guard traffic from a distance is the “beginning of a process that could lead to a confrontation with the Iranians.”

“It’s either we’re looking at the real contours of an achievable deal soon, or he’s going to bomb the hell out of them,” the source continued on the state of affairs in the Strait.

“Today, the DCCC announced eight new top-tier candidates added to its highly competitive ‘Red to Blue’ program for the 2026 cycle. This is the first expansion of the group since the announcement of the first round of ‘Red to Blue’ candidates in February. This latest group of candidates will receive strategic guidance, staff resources, training, and fundraising support to ensure they are in the best possible position to win in November,” says a Monday press release from the DCCC.

“As the American people reject House Republicans’ disastrous, cost-spiking agenda, House Democrats have the momentum to take back the majority. These latest additions to our Red to Blue program represent the strength of our people-first message and the broad appeal of our top-tier candidates,” said DCCC Chair Suzan DelBene. “These candidates will win because they are authentic, independent-minded leaders who are rooted in their communities, demonstrating they have what it takes to win and fight to make life more affordable for hardworking families.”

MAGA should never be told that a convicted pedophile and his circle of elite friends raping girls when they are 14 or 16 years old is a Democrat hoax.

And I still can’t believe I had to fight President Trump to release the Epstein files, and to this day no one has been arrested… pic.twitter.com/ZixhucQya1

— Marjorie Taylor Greene 🇺🇸 (@mtgreenee) May 3, 2026

Continue: “…to this day no one has been arrested or held accountable. This was what killed MAGA. I don’t have Trump Derangement Syndrome, I have Trump Disappointment Syndrome.”

Will update…

“Hakeem Jeffries, a Low IQ individual, said our Supreme Court is ‘illegitimate.’ After saying such a thing, isn’t he subject to Impeachment? I got impeached for A PERFECT PHONE CALL. Where are you Republicans? Why not get it started? They’ll be doing this to me!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Sunday, six years after it was already explained to him that members of Congress are not subject to impeachment and there’s no chance Jeffries will face any consequences anyway. But it’s not like that ever stopped Trump from saying dumb shit before.

“Our fabulous Rudy Giuliani, a True Warrior, and the Best Mayor in the History of New York City, BY FAR, has been hospitalized, and is in critical condition. What a tragedy that he was treated so badly by the Radical Left Lunatics, Democrats ALL – AND HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING! They cheated on the Elections, fabricated hundreds of stories, did anything possible to destroy our Nation, and now, look at Rudy. So sad!” the fat bastard later posted, blaming Dems for Rudy’s health.