Holy shit! You guys gotta read this column by Sports Illustrated writer Michael Rosenberg about University of Michigan football coach Jim Harbaugh getting suspended by the Big 10 Conference for the rest of the season after a member of his staff was allegedly caught spying on other colleges’ teams to gain an unfair advantage against them, just a day before Michigan was going to face Penn State. Rosenberg says “The process that led to Harbaugh’s three-game suspension was a clumsy execution of mob justice, and it is by no means over,” and “Michigan should be angry. [Big 10 Conference Commissioner Tony] Petitti… got suckered into thinking he is standing up for the integrity of the game, when he is really just revealing how little he knows about college football.”

Rosenberg goes on and on with a whole host of convincing-sounding reasons about why Harbaugh shouldn’t have been suspended, like “There is no public evidence that the Wolverines benefited more from the scheme than they would have from stealing signs legally. Maybe it exists, but where is it?” and “Within the Big Ten, there is a widespread perception that two of the programs that have expressed the most outrage are Ohio State and Penn State. In related news, the two coaches who have to explain to their fan bases why they have been losing to Michigan lately are Ohio State’s Ryan Day and Penn State’s James Franklin.” That is pretty freaking damning isn’t it?

Like even if you don’t know shit about college football that’s an absolute outrage, right? Nobody who believes in common virtues of decency or fairness likes to see interested parties weaponize the rules against their opponents to gain an advantage against them and Rosenberg’s piece does a spectacular job of bringing that home to those unfamiliar with the politics of NCAA football.

This was going to happen sooner or later so we probably should’ve just written a draft article saying something like “Jacob ‘QAnon Shaman’ Chansley, the iconic face of the January 6th, 2021 Capitol insurrection, on [day of week] filed the paperwork to run for Congress in Arizona’s XXX District next year, continuing the political mainstreaming of the far right terrorists who sought to destroy American democracy by disrupting the certification of Donald Trump’s defeat in the 2020 election.”

Actually that would’ve sounded too Politico-ish. Anyway 12 News reports that Chansley did indeed submit the paperwork to run for Arizona’s 8th District in 2024, a seat opening up with the retirement of Republican doomsday cult grandma Debbie Lesko. What’s actually a little surprising about the news is that, rather than enter an already crowded Republican primary field where he’d have to compete with Reptilian humanoid 2022 US Senate loser Blake Masters, Kari Lake-endorsed 2022 Arizona Attorney General loser Abe Hamadeh, Lesko-endorsed state House Speaker Ben Toma, and probably at least two or three other MAGA assholes, Chansley is running as a Libertarian.

Arizona’s 8th is so red that Dems didn’t even field candidates in the last two cycles and Lesko crushed her last general election challenger by 19 points in the 2018 Blue Wave year (definitely a big reason the GOP primary field is so packed). Which is to say maybe it could be a worthwhile investment for the DCCC provided Chansley doesn’t fatally overdose on peyote or some shit before election day. Might as well at least start thinking about recruiting a candidate and running some polls to see how many votes he could end up splitting off. There is one Shaman ballot that Dems won’t be able to count on however: Chansley himself, who is barred from voting due to his federal felony conviction for carrying a fucking spear with him into the Capitol on January 6th, 2021.

A Pennsylvania teenager is no doubt heartbroken and upset after a family member of his girlfriend recently caught them kissing at her home and angrily chased him out, screaming at him they could never see each other again. The 14 year-old Pennridge South Middle School student even had to run a few blocks and hide behind a car for a while until the coast was clear enough to call his parents to come pick him up. As if that wasn’t bad enough, his mom then called the cops and filed a complaint.

Now he really can’t ever see his girlfriend, 35 year-old Pennridge South guidance counselor Kelly Ann Schutte, again because she’s been charged with institutional sexual assault, corruption of minors, and indecent assault of a person less than 16 years of age, NBC 10 Philadelphia reports.

“President Trump absolutely agrees, and in fact demands, that these proceedings should be fully televised so that the American public can see firsthand that this case, just like others, is nothing more than a dreamt-up unconstitutional charade that should never be allowed to happen again. Furthermore, President Trump is entitled to present his positions in this case to the American public, including his sacred obligation as President to investigate and address fraud and other irregularities in the 2020 Presidential Election. Therefore, the Court should grant the Motions and allow the movants to broadcast the proceedings of this matter in order to ensure that the American public can see the bare truth of this case, witness the Biden Administration’s wrongful acts, and hear all the evidence regarding an election that President Trump believes was rigged and stolen,” write fat former President Trump’s lawyers in a response to NBC’s application to televise the trial.

Note the part about “all the evidence regarding an election that President Trump believes was rigged and stolen,” emphasis ours. Funny how Team Orange aren’t themselves on board with the 2020 conspiracy theory bullshit. If they were, they wouldn’t be afraid to say it in a legal document.

• My favorite part of Tuesday’s election outcome was the reckoning Fox hosts and pundits had as the results came in, right before they started to ignore it.
• Vivek Ramaswamy is the Herman Cain of Marianne Williamsons.  
• Republicans have won the popular vote in the presidential race just once in the last three decades and it took post 9/11 war-fueled nationalism to do that.  Since Trump left office, Americans have voted like 1/6 was another attack on our democracy… because it was.
• The new Google phone feature that lets you trade out faces from other pics so you create the “perfect” image, without people blinking or looking away from the camera, creepily fabricates memories of things that never happened.
  Read More ▶ “Random thoughts Friday, Volume CXLVI”

Democratic New Jersey Congressman Andy Kim launched his campaign for the US Senate Friday, taking on indicted incumbent Democrat Bob Menendez, who is facing a second trial on corruption charges, Politico reports.  From a South Jersey district on the outskirts of Philadelphia, Kim is a third-term Congressman and the first Democratic Congressman of Korean heritage.  Kim already has a significant lead in primary polling taken before his formal announcement.

Stephen Lee, a conservative Lutheran pastor from Illinois who was indicted as part of Donald Trump’s racketeering scheme to hold on to power after losing the 2020 election in Georgia, claims to his supporters that he was just ministering to people when, prosecutors allege, he was threatening them to change their statements to support his conspiracy theories.

Per the gift-linked New York Times story, Lee is traveling the country talking to evangelical congregations to get funds for his legal defense against the five charges in the Fulton County case.  A former police officer who has helped to counsel officers after traumatic events like mass shootings, Lee (through his attorney) claims that he was doing what he’s trained to do:  help those in need.

Prosecutors claim Lee stalked the home of Fulton County election worker Ruby Freeman, repeatedly knocking on her door and then surveilling her house from his car.  After Freeman called police, an officer spoke to Lee, who is captured on body cam footage saying he was there to provide pastoral care to Freeman but she was afraid to talk to him because he’s a white man.

Citing dysfunction in the federal government and no long-term plan to deal with increasing debt, the credit agency Moody’s lowered its rating for US sovereign debt to negative, a move that may make it more difficult and expensive for the government to borrow money, the Washington Post reports.

Maintaining America’s credit rating at its highest AAA rating, Moody’s is the only one of the three major rating agencies to do so:  both Fitch and Standard & Poor’s downgraded the US long-term credit rating after the Republicans pushed the government close to shutdown by refusing to raise the debt ceiling this summer.

“Continued political polarization within US Congress raises the risk that successive governments will not be able to reach consensus on a fiscal plan to slow the decline in debt affordability,” Moody’s said in a statement.  Should Republicans push for another shutdown at the end of the month as the last deal expires, Moody’s will most likely follow the others and complete the trifecta.

The Establishment in both parties is corrupt to the core and is alive more than ever.

It’s time to fight: now is the moment for freedom-loving American patriots everywhere to stand up and take back the country we love from a corrupt group of politicians who are marching us… pic.twitter.com/2J2UtBB1qO

— Vivek Ramaswamy (@VivekGRamaswamy) November 10, 2023

These are dark times for our Nation, as New York City Mayor Eric Adams’s cell phone and tablets have been seized by FBI agents, the New York Times reports. Nothing like this has ever happened to a Mayor of New York City before. After working and cooperating with the relevant Government agencies, this unannounced raid on his devices was not necessary or appropriate. It is prosecutorial misconduct, the weaponization of the Justice System, and an attack by Radical Left Democrats who desperately don’t want Adams to run for Mayor in 2025, especially based on recent polls, and who will likewise do anything to stop him from peacefully and patriotically leading the city.

Such an assault could only take place in broken, Third-World Countries. Sadly, America has now become one of those Countries, corrupt at a level not seen before. What is the difference between this and Watergate, where operatives broke into the Democrat National Committee? Here, in reverse, Democrat FBI agents illegally seized the devices of the 110th Mayor of New York City.

The political persecution of Mayor Eric Adams has been going on for years, with this now fully debunked Turkey, Turkey, Turkey Scam, the ghosts haunting Gracie Mansion, and so much more, it just never ends. It is political targeting at the highest level! Hillary was allowed to delete and acid wash 33,000 E-mails AFTER they were subpoenaed by Congress. Absolutely nothing has happened to hold her accountable. She even took antique furniture, and other items from the White House!

National Zero will resume our regular coverage after mad-libbing this August 8, 2022 Trump statement to use to report the very real news about the FBI investigation into Eric Adams.

Republican Ohio state lawmakers on Thursday decided they were just going to ignore the will of the voters after the Tuesday ballot measure enshrining the right to abortion in the state constitution passed by a 56.6 to 43.4 margin, announcing their intent to formulate some plan to circumvent it in an official public statement with the headline “DECEPTIVE OHIO ISSUE 1 MISLED THE PUBLIC BUT DOESN’T REPEAL OUR LAWS – Foreign Billionaires Don’t Get to Make Ohio Laws.”

“Ohio Legislators will be introducing several bills to address this issue in the coming weeks. ‘Foreign billionaires don’t get to make Ohio laws,’ said Jennifer Gross (R-West Chester), pointing to millions from billionaires outside America that helped fund Issue 1. Gross added, ‘This is foreign election interference, and it will not stand,'” the statement reads, which we guess means “Soros did this!”

“‘Issue 1 doesn’t repeal a single Ohio law, in fact, it doesn’t even mention one,’ said Representative Bill Dean (R-Xenia). ‘The amendment’s language is dangerously vague and unconstrained, and can be weaponized to attack parental rights or defend rapists, pedophiles, and human traffickers.’ Melanie Miller (R-Ashland) said, ‘We will continue to be a voice for every child in their mother’s womb who cannot speak for themselves.’ Representative Beth Lear (R-Galena) stated, ‘No amendment can overturn the God given rights with which we were born,'” they continued.

The came the kicker: “To prevent mischief by pro-abortion courts with Issue 1, Ohio legislators will consider removing jurisdiction from the judiciary over this ambiguous ballot initiative. The Ohio legislature alone will consider what, if any, modifications to make to existing laws based on public hearings and input from legal experts on both sides.” So, like we wrote in the headline, Ohio Republicans are simply not going to abide by the will of the voters in their state.

The Anna C Verna Playground in Philadelphia’s FDR Park is now home to North America’s largest swing set, said to be the size of the infield at the Phillies’s Citizen’s Bank Park, ABC News Local-ish reports without mentioning how many swings the set has or how it stacks up against its competitors in South America, Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, or Antarctica. Well, maybe not Antarctica.

It’s a fair question to raise given how “North America’s largest swing set” automatically carries with it the implication that nations in other continents possess larger swing sets. Not that a circular array of continuous metallic pylons with five different types of swings on it the size of a Major League Baseball diamond isn’t impressive billing, it’s just that we needed something to get obnoxiously granular about to produce filler content for National Zero readers and rambling about some poorly written TV affiliate news website article was the best we have right now on limited time.

Super keyed-in, total insider scoop factory Axios on Thursday published a really illuminating if you’re a douchebag piece examining how Senator Joe Manchin’s retirement is a terrible sign for Democrats’ hopes of hanging on to the majority in the chamber in 2025. “A Democratic fairy tale is coming to an end in West Virginia, where Joe Manchin’s decision not to seek re-election threatens to blow up the party’s chances of holding the Senate – and potentially the White House – in 2024,” they write.

They’re fucking serious, lol. Here in the real world we knew that Manchin was all but certainly doomed in 2024 with popular Republican incumbent Governor Jim Justice polling significantly ahead of him in the matchup. Only if dickhead MAGA Congressman Alex Mooney had edged out Justice in the GOP primary would Manchin have had a realistic shot, an extremely tall order as disgraced former President Trump showered his golden endorsement upon Justice last month. Long before then Sabato’s Crystal Ball had rated West Virginia as “lean Republican” while Ohio and Montana were toss-ups. Anyone wanting to see Dems hold the Senate had already long made peace with the idea that Manchin would be spending more time with his yacht in 2025 one way or the other.

And still Axios writes “Without Manchin – widely viewed as the only Democrat who could run competitively in deep-red West Virginia – Republicans likely will need to flip just one or two Senate seats to take control of Congress’ upper chamber, depending on the outcome of the presidential race,” like they’re rubbing it in. It was one of their top articles this morning. At least they have something else to cover after their Youngkin 2024 circlejerk imploded spectacularly on Tuesday, something they barely addressed afterward. We would be embarrassed too if we were Axios.

Conservatives don’t want to watch NBC. @VivekGRamaswamy is right — why would Ronna have leftist activists moderate a GOP debate???

— Jenna Ellis (@JennaEllisEsq) November 10, 2023

Shitty MAGA federal Judge Aileen Cannon on Friday ruled she is sticking to her May 20, 2024 start date for disgraced former President Trump’s trial on charges he stole classified documents from the White House and hoarded them at Mar-a-Lago in defiance of a lawful subpoena for their return.

Some might see this as a “win” in the fight to convict the fat fuck for his many crimes against American democracy and the rule of law but we’re inclined to view it as Cannon actually doing her best to help Trump: If the Florida trial really ends up starting on May 20th it will be a long one that’ll almost certainly box out any chance of the Georgia trial getting started before the 2020 election.

We already know Cannon is going to rig it against Jack Smith’s team in any and every way she can, picking hardcore Trump yokels to sit on the jury, overruling prosecutors, just fucking everything up to ensure that the final courtroom decision before the 2024 election is something Trump can call “complete and total exoneration” even when it’s going to be a mistrial or outright jury nullification.

The case against Trump is extremely strong. So was the case against OJ Simpson. Americans who want to see the Orange Defendant lose next year and get locked up for life would have been better served if Cannon had punted to 2025. We would like to be wrong here and maybe we will be both about the start date being set in stone and/or that a fair enough jury will be picked and render the proper verdict. But we can’t help but feel like this decision is actually a setback for justice.

Fugitive Capitol rioter Greg Yetman, whose flight from justice sparked a multi-day manhunt in the woods near Helmetta, New Jersey with local cops and even a SWAT team joining the FBI’s efforts to cuff him, turned himself in to police in nearby Monroe Township on Friday morning, WNBC reports.

Yetman, 47, who served as a sergeant in the New Jersey National Guard until March of last year, was wanted for Assaulting, Resisting, or Impeding Certain Officers, Obstruction of Law Enforcement During Civil Disorder, Entering and Remaining in a Restricted Building or Grounds, Engaging in Physical Violence in a Restricted Building or Grounds, and Act of Physical Violence in the Capitol Grounds or Buildings, per an FBI arrest warrant unsealed Thursday. Per WNBC, he was in a home in Helmetta on Wednesday when he saw FBI agents approaching and fled, sparking the response in which SWAT teams set off flash grenades in spaces where they thought he might’ve been hiding.

It’s possible the overkill might’ve been simply precautionary because of Yetman’s military background, though much more likely it was bored suburban cops tired of beating the shit out of drunken townies in the parking lots of local Irish-themed pubs for their “action.” Easy to imagine the FBI agents were happy to sit back and let the locals play Cowboys and Indians with a suspect the feds didn’t think was armed and dangerous. And then fail at that too, which they did. In fact the cops probably scared Yetman even more than FBI and the only real motive he had for escaping them was so that he could safely turn himself in to cops in another town instead of getting shot.

“Fake News CNN just did a story, leaked by Deranged Prosecutor Jack Smith and his massive team of Radical Left Lunatics, that various people saw papers and boxes at Mar-a-Lago. Of course they did! They may have been the boxes etc that were openly and plainly brought from the White House, as is my right under the Presidential Records Act. I even supplied, upon request, Security Tapes to these Election Interfering Thugs. Is this really ‘Breaking News?’ No, it’s ‘Breaking Fake News,'” writes disgraced former President Trump on Truth Social, screaming about a Thursday CNN story we at National Zero – and apparently plenty of other downstream outlets – had skipped because it wasn’t really adding much to our understanding of his guilt in stealing classified documents from the White House and hoarding them at Mar-a-Lago in defiance of lawful subpoenas for their return.

Actually maybe we should’ve picked it up if only for the detail that Trump “went ‘ballistic'” when he found out that the FBI wanted to question a maid at Mar-a-Lago about the hoarding in the lead-up to the August 2022 raid. Anytime the orange asshole is scared and angry is enjoyable.

The fat bastard’s Truth Social post kept going, whatabouting with Biden for a change with “But what about all of the papers, boxes, and documents found at NUMEROUS Crooked Joe Biden places, like his garage floor by his cherished Corvette, or CHINATOWN where it was just learned that boxes moved freely in and out. He doesn’t come under the Presidential Records Act because he wasn’t President at the time. Deranged Jack Smith has spent over $100,000,000 investigating me on this phony Russia, Russia, Russia, type Scam. How much $’s have they spent investigating Crooked Joe on his much bigger boxes deal?” with the only part of that stupid bullshit being new the “Jack Smith has spent over $100,000,000 investigating me” part. We haven’t heard that one before, and it would appear to be an extreme exaggeration given that the last numbers we got from Smith’s office were $5,428,579 spent between November 2022 and April 2023 on two parallel Trump investigations.

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson has been telling members of his conference that “we’re not there yet” as far as damning enough evidence to impeach President Joe Biden goes, “moderate” Nebraska Congressman Don Bacon tells the Washington Post, adding that Johnson agreed there aren’t any “high crimes and misdemeanors.” Johnson naturally isn’t pulling the plug, but appears to prefer the inquiry run by morons James Comer, Jim Jordan, and Jason Smith to die on the vine.

Oh, where to start:  the accusations that Marjorie Taylor herself was frequently biblically familiar with members of her Crossfit while she still could justifiably use the “Greene” surname?  Or the fact that the Republican caucus is quickly becoming an off-brand remake of “Mean Girls” in the reality genre?

According to the Daily Beast, Marge frequently refers to her “little bitch” Lauren Boebert, a.k.a. LB², as a “whore” to her colleagues on the floor of the House, and according to at least one, “Calling her a whore, that’s not new.  She’s been doing that for a while.” Of course, Boebert sausaged herself into a revealing dress for an infamous night at the theater, since which she’s been trying to “adult” in public.  When asked about the accusations, Marge didn’t deny them and instead accused the reporter of being “drawn to the gossip and the drama.”  Gossip and drama, it should be noted, caused by Marge.

David DePape, the man charged with breaking into Speaker Emerita Nancy Pelosi’s San Francisco home and assaulting her husband with a hammer, believed he was justified in his actions because of right-wing and QAnon-inspired conspiracy theories, his lawyer said during her opening statements in his federal criminal trial, CBS News reports.

It’s pretty obvious the guy was a Republican Trump supporter who believed the various nutty theories, but the extent his lawyer laid out was widespread, involving the Pelosis, Congressman Adam Schiff, NatZero patron saint George Soros, beleaguered POTUS son Hunter Biden, high-paid Everyman Tom Hanks, presumptive substitute Democratic presidential nominee California Governor Gavin Newsom.

“Members of the jury, many of us do not believe any of that. But the evidence in this trial will show that Mr. DePape believes all these things … with every ounce of his being,” defense attorney Jodi Linke said in her opening in which she noted the defense will not challenge the video evidence or the facts of DePape’s actions inside the Pelosi home.  DePape faces charges of attempted kidnapping of a federal official and assault on an immediate family member of a federal official.