Searchers found four children, ages from an infant to a 13-year-old, who survived a May 1st plane crash in the Amazon rainforest that killed their mother and two other adults on the aircraft, CNN reports.  Colombian officials mobilized hundreds of soldiers and enlisted the assistance of around 70 local tribal guides to scour the jungle for the group after rescuers searched the area around the crash site and found clues that the four had survived, including a dirty diaper, a baby bottle and multiple footprints.

Four-term Republican Nebraska Congressman Don Bacon, a retired Air Force brigadier general, said he was “shocked” at the evidence presented in the indictment against former president and serial liar Donald Trump for retaining classified government documents and obstructing the investigation, NBC News reports.  But before you think Republicans are growing spines, remember Bacon is running in a district Joe Biden won in 2020 and which he only held on to by three percentage points in 2022.

“As a retired brigadier general who worked with classified materials my entire career, I am shocked at the alleged callousness with which the documents were handled,” Bacon said in a statement his office released to the media but did not post on social media. “The alleged obstruction to the requests of the National Archives and FBI, if true, is inexcusable. … I’m the same person who criticized Hilary Clinton for knowingly and willfully storing thousands of classified emails on her unclassified computer, and thought the DOJ failed in holding her accountable. I believe in using the same standards and ask the DOJ to do the same. No one is above the law, and we demand due process and expect equality under the law.”

Rotund Republican Chris Christi, the only 2024 presidential candidate to date with his own measurable gravitational pull, said “the facts are devastating” in the unsealed indictment of former president and accused document hoarder Donald Trump, NBC News reports.

A former federal prosecutor and one-time Trump ally, Christie said that although Trump’s indictment was “bad for everyone in the country”–which seems odd because an exceptionally low percentage of people have classified documents stored in their bathrooms–he did ask a pertinent question that he may not like the answer he’ll get in the 2024 primaries:  “Is this the type of conduct we want from someone who wants to be president of the United States?”

Given what happened with Mike Pence getting officially publicly exonerated (and correctly so) last week for having accidentally taken a handful of documents from his time as Vice President, the MAGA propaganda machine on Friday decided that Joe Biden’s extremely similar document fuckup situation is a dog that isn’t going to hunt. So who else do they have to “whatabout” with?

That’s right! She’s back and guiltier than ever! There is however one pretty major problem with using the “Hillary got away with it” line alongside the “Biden is weaponizing the Justice Department and ordered Jack Smith to indict Trump” one: Donald had the means to go after Hillary and didn’t use them. The “nobody” in that sentence is him. He let her go like the fat lazy bastard he is while Biden didn’t hesitate to deploy the DOJ’s stormtroopers to take down Trump.

That’s got to be so embarrassing for Trump fanboys who believe both that Hillary should’ve been prosecuted and that a president has the power to directly use federal law enforcement against their enemies like Biden is supposedly doing right now. Within their own reality and by their own rules, Trump objectively failed himself and them in the lamest way imaginable. Fucking pathetic, lol.

Never one to back away from a camera, failed 2022 Arizona Republican gubernatorial candidate and deluded woman who calls herself the rightful Governor of Arizona despite losing the election and every court challenge to it, Kari Lake intends to fly to Florida to appear at the federal courthouse Tuesday for Donald Trump’s arraignment on at least 37 federal charges “to support him in his fight against the radical Marxist Biden Regime,” says the Gateway Pundit.

“Here’s a really important point.  I haven’t heard anyone talk about this,” former Republican Congressman and Fox “News” lackey Jason Chaffetz says.  “These are documents generated by computers.  There’s an argument to be said they already have these documents, these are photocopies.  They’re, they’re run off of a printer.  You, we didn’t take extra copi– it’s not the only.  We have extra copies.  The president has the same security clearances he did as President of the United States. … He continues to have that security clearance.”

Disgraced former President Trump and his minions’ moods shifted between Thursday night and Friday afternoon after the 37-count indictment was unsealed against him, CNN’s Alayna Treene reports, writing “On Friday morning, Trump played golf at his NJ club with a Florida Congressman as his advisers called allies to shore up support. But later Friday, concern began to settle in among some Trump allies, as his aides began to acknowledge the legal implications of the indictment… His team still thinks Trump will likely benefit politically, at least in the short term, a source familiar with the mood told me, but they’ve grown more wary of how the indictment will play out legally.”

Experiencing an arguably shittier week than his once-most valuable asset, Russian dictator Vladimir Putin on Friday admitted his armies were getting their asses kicked on the battlefield, amid a serious counteroffensive from Kyiv, telling a Kremlin news outlet that in “recent days, we have seen significant losses in Ukraine, they exceed the classical figure,” the Daily Beast reports.

“It can be stated that all counteroffensive attempts made so far have failed, but the offensive potential of the Armed Forces of Ukraine has still been preserved,” Putin added, which translated to non-political speak (after the lie about prior counteroffensives failing) is “Yeah, we should be prepared to lose this war but not before more of you ants die pointlessly for my glory.”

When you hear a Republican member of Congress or one of Trump’s lawyers or a Fox News talking head say it wasn’t a coincidence that Trump just so happened to be indicted on the same day that the full House Oversight Committee got to see the FBI document detailing some Ukrainian criminal’s tip that Joe Biden took a $5 million bribe in 2015 or whenever to get some sort of policy concession you might, very understandably, be inclined to dismiss such talk as pure fantasy and just more of the usual deluded solipsism from a party that have worked hard to make it their brand.

You would be wrong though. It’s not a coincidence at all as very-recently-former Trump defense lawyer asserted Friday morning hours before he was (probably) fired. Trump was indicted while the Biden “scandal” was “heating up” precisely because Republicans and the MAGA media universe heated it up in anticipation of him facing charges for the very real crime of stealing classified documents from the White House and refusing to comply with a lawful subpoena for their return.

Justice Department special counsel Jack Smith will address reporters at press conference on Friday following the unsealing of the 39 count indictment against fat former President Trump.

The 37-count indictment charging fat former President Trump and his minion Walt Nauta with their classified government document scam operation has been unsealed.  The charges include 31 counts of willful retention of national defense information, and one count each of: conspiracy to obstruct justice (charged with Nauta); withholding a document or record; corruptly concealing a document or record; concealing a document in a federal investigation; scheme to conceal; and making false statements and representations.

The details listed are damning.  The information Trump held in boxes in an unsecured closet at Mar-a-Lago contained massive amounts of information about American military capabilities and vulnerabilities, as well those of our allies and adversaries.  Documents included information of intelligence resources, including human agents.

Other information included in the indictment indicate Trump showed some information to writers and editors, presumably working on Mark Meadow’s memoir, along with two members of Trump’s staff–none of whom had security clearances–during a recorded meeting in Bedminster in July 2021.  Recordings show Trump knew the documents were still classified and yet showed them to the group.

“The Biden Department of Justice is reportedly about to indict a former president and President Biden’s chief rival in the upcoming presidential election. According to reports, the Department will indict President Donald Trump, despite declining to indict former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for her mishandling of classified information and failing to indict President Biden for his mishandling of classified information,” writes spandex-wearing grapple freak Jim Jordan in another one of his hilarious meltdowns over Trump getting indicted. Just those first two sentences mentioning Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden are good enough, no need to indulge the rest of his bullshit.

Fat former President Trump’s longtime valet Walter Nauta, who served him with distinction in the White House and then at Mar-a-Lago will continue to stand by Lord Donald in court as his loyal, trusted co-defendant, the twice-impeached loser announced on Truth Social just moments ago.

“This morning we tendered our resignations as counsel to President Trump, and we will no longer represent him on either the indicted case or the January 6 investigation. It has been an honor to have spent the last year defending him, and we know he will be vindicated in his battle against the Biden Administration’s partisan weaponization of the American justice system…” and blah blah blah Trusty and Rowley wrote in a joint statement, still pushing the company line without any salt.

Earlier we characterized this as Trump affirmatively firing the two and have recomposed this article to include their statement. Still, it seems awfully abrupt and not likely amicable behind the scenes if Trusty was on Fox and Friends spewing the usual bullshit as recently as five hours ago. That and the fact that their client got indicted in seven federal felonies less than 24 hours ago.

Waiting until two hours before a court’s deadline of noon on Friday to answer an unsealing order in a case brought by the media to reveal the identities of the three suretors who paid former Brazilian drag queen Congressman George Santos $500,000 bond after he was indicted on 13 federal felonies last month, Santos’s lawyers on Friday filed their appeal, CBS’s Scott MacFarlane reports.

“Defendant has essentially publicly revealed that the suretors are family members and not lobbyists, donors or others seeking to exert influence over the Defendant,” the lawyers wrote in the appeal, which obviously isn’t saying they are family members, because that would be lying to a federal court if it turns out they are not. Lawyers don’t like doing that. The other problem here is that Santos also refused to identify them to the House Ethics Committee and, while we don’t know much of anything about how the Ethics Committee’s procedures work, we would have to think that there would be some way for Santos to privately identify these suretors to the committee leadership.

Or even just the Republicans, like a mini-Stennis Compromise. We’d probably still be suspicious if another Republican in the House vouched for Santos to say “I’ve seen the wire transfers for the bond, they really are relatives of Santos who wish to remain anonymous,” but that would still go much further than this very lawyerly-written assertion in the appeal for an admitted fucking liar.

“As the representative of Northeast Wisconsin and Chairman of the Select Committee on the Chinese Communist Party, I have a rare, bipartisan opportunity in the 118th Congress to help restore American strength, prevent war in the Pacific, and defend our basic freedoms from communist aggression. Accomplishing this mission and serving Wisconsin’s 8th District deserve my undivided attention. Therefore, I will not run for the Senate in 2024 and will pursue re-election to the House. I believe that when we look back in 50 years, the American people will ask: Did our elected leaders rally as a country and confront the Chinese Communist Party threat before it was too late? Continuing to lead this fight in the House of Representatives is the best way for me to help answer that question affirmatively,” says Wisconsin MAGA Congressman Mike Gallagher, who had been considered the NRSC’s prize recruit to take on Dem Senator Tammy Baldwin, in a statement.

Wonder what might have prompted him to pass on likely sharing the statewide ticket with former President Trump in the crucial swing state. Maybe he just really, really likes being in the House.

YES! MAGA! TRUMP-APPOINTED FEDERAL JUDGE AILEEN CANNON GETS HER CLIENT’S CASE! This is so awesome for the rule of law and all that shit! America is lucky to have her. Yes!

With that sarcasm out of the way, this is fucked as Cannon will stack the deck against the prosecution in any and every way possible. Cannon is famous for acting as Trump’s defense attorney from the bench during her very much improper and outrageous intervention into the investigation after the August 2022 FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago, which probably helped delay but obviously did not prevent Trump from being indicted. That said, there will be plenty of comedy and entertainment to be had as Cannon squirms under the weight of the evidence against her client. She’ll be under a microscope from both sides and it’ll take one adverse ruling for MAGA nation to turn against her and brand her a “RINO” for life. Most importantly, should Jack Smith and his team ultimately prevail, it will be that much harder for Trump to appeal a conviction and spin it politically.

Somehow CNN got a hold of a transcript of the previously reported July 2021 audio of fat former President Trump telling Mark Meadows’ ghostwriters that he could have declassified a military planning document for an attack on Iran, further increasing the importance of jury nullification or winning in 2024 as part of the twice-impeached loser’s legal strategy.

“As president, I could have declassified, but now I can’t,” Trump said to the ghostwriters apparently while holding the actual document (unless he was bluffing, which we can’t entirely rule out). “Secret. This is secret information. Look, look at this… This was done by the military and given to me,” he actually fucking said to these people while a minion recorded it. Nixon must be spinning in his grave.

“Well, with Milley – uh, let me see that, I’ll show you an example. He said that I wanted to attack Iran. Isn’t that amazing? I have a big pile of papers, this thing just came up. Look. This was him. They presented me this – this is off the record, but – they presented me this. This was him. This was the Defense Department and him. We looked at some. This was him. This wasn’t done by me, this was him. All sorts of stuff – pages long, look. Wait a minute, let’s see here. I just found, isn’t that amazing? This totally wins my case, you know. Except it is like, highly confidential. Secret. This is secret information. Look, look at this,” Trump said, as at the time, he had an axe to grind with Joint Chiefs Chairman General Mark Milley over a July 15, 2021 New Yorker article about how Milley worked to prevent the Orange Ayatollah from ordering an attack on Iran after losing the election.