A bill making its way through the Texas legislature would form establish a new civilian posse that would have the authority to detain, arrest and transport to authorities any individual it believes crossed the southern border illegally, the Guardian reports.  The new force, which would include among its ranks veterans and former law enforcement officers who would be granted special powers, would also get a certain level of immunity from prosecution as a sanction security unit on the border, but the legislation claims the group would only be authorized to use “non-deadly” force.

In a “stand your ground state,” it won’t be long before a migrant is found with multiple bullet wounds and a member of this force, enjoying limited immunity, standing with an assault rifle over a body claiming he was frightened by the teenaged boy because he had a threatening look.  And Greg Abbott’s administration will refuse to bring charges because, they’ll say, the claim sounds reasonable.

Welcome to THE Q FILES, National Zero’s new and not-at-all regular series diving into QAnon and Q-adjacent tales of heroism against the Democrats, the Deep State, the Satanic Hollywood cabal, reptilian aliens, non-reptilian aliens, vaccine manufacturers, and other enemies of conservative white Christians. This effort’s been a long time coming and the product of encouragement from our readers, some of whom expressed medium-to-high interest in learning more about the astonishingly fucking insane conspiracy theories that have irradiated the brains of our fellow Americans.

Let’s get this out of the way first: This piece and subsequent installments will meander. A lot. There will be observations within meditations within tangents within parenthetical asides within entire paragraphs that do little if anything to further the story. Conspiracy theories themselves are more often than not rambling messes that connect to whole webs of other rambling conspiracy theories, so you should already have that priced in if you’re going to read this start to finish. If not, you can always just skip to the comments and write “OT Kevin Sorbo actually tweeted this!” accompanied by a Kevin Sorbo tweet. That’s fine. The point is that there may not necessarily be one when chronicling right wing batshittery. That spectacle of the conspiracy itself, its origins and background, and speculation about how the fuck these clowns came up with it is the true purpose. Whatever insights or larger political relevance that can be gleaned in conclusion will be an extra bonus.

A student at Bostrom High School in Phoenix was arrested Friday after carrying an AR-15-style assault rifle and a cache of ammunition in their backpack and lunch box, NBC News reports.  The unidentified child was being detained at the school office when police arrested them at 1:00 p.m. local time.  Police have charged them with multiple offenses, but have not detailed a reason the student brought the weapon to school or how they came to possess it.

President Biden’s reelection campaign now sees North Carolina in play in 2024 after this week’s passage of a 12-week abortion ban by Republican state lawmakers overriding Dem Governor Roy Cooper’s veto, CNN reports, with one adviser telling them the Tar Hell State “a place that will reinforce and create another clear messaging opportunity on what is at stake.”

Biden’s team had been looking at the state as a pickup opportunity even before the ban, given it was his narrowest loss on the map at 1.35 percent or 74,483 votes in 2020, but now there will be serious investment to pad on 16 electoral votes in what’ll likely be a tight contest against Trump.

DC Circuit Judge Beryl Howell on Friday ordered alcoholic shitbrain Rudy Giuliani to provide a detailed accounting of his finances and net worth ahead of the trial in the defamation lawsuit brought by Georgia 2020 election workers Ruby Freeman and Shae Moss, Politico reports.

“I think that would be pertinent to evaluating his financial net worth,” said Howell in the order meant to call bullshit on Rudy’s claim he’s too broke to pay an outstanding $320,000 bill with a document management firm necessary to provide further materials for discovery in the Moss-Freeman suit, brought after the wetbrained former NYC mayor (among others) falsely accused the two women of secretly participating in a plot to steal the election from fat former President Trump.

• Fact:  At least 5% of Republican women in the House will get end their marriages in their first two terms in office.  As they talk about how gay marriage is destroying families, they’re filing divorce papers.
• Mueller: 22 months, 37 indictments (including 14 Russians), at least eight guilty pleas or convictions, more than $40 million in ill-gotten gains confiscated.  Durham:  1 guilty plea resulting in 400 hours community service, two lost prosecutions, a first-class trip to Italy with Bill Barr, and a $7 million price tag.
• So Rudy Giuliani is a serial sexual predator, too, huh?  Is there a male in Trump’s cabal who’s not?  To Trump, that’s a feature, not a glitch.
• Holy crap, Gym, hire a stylist.  Get a gay friend.  Retain the services of a design firm.  Get a makeover, man!  And re-do your entire strategy because you look like an asshole in more than just a fashion sense.
  Read More ▶ “Random thoughts Friday, Volume CXXII”

Yes, this is from Wednesday, but it was overshadowed by the cloven Congresswoman trying, poorly, to upstage New York Democratic Congressman Jamaal Bowman, a moment Marge later claimed made her scared (but certainly didn’t look like it at the time, given she didn’t even *try* to leave… or hide her smile for the cameras she craves.). But here’s George Anthony DeVolder Santos making a very Anthony DeVolder statement:

I have not not done my job since I got here.  I can chew and walk gum at the same time.  [The moment he recognizes his mistake.] I can walk and chew gum at the same time.

We might’ve picked up this story for its own merits given the “again” part. But to simply ignore the headline/byline combo and blithely spit out the details was a bridge to far low for us.

House Speaker pro tem Kevin McCarthy rejoined talks with the White House Friday evening after earlier in the afternoon announcing Republicans were leaving, a move that would have ended negotiations for the weekend, the New York Times reports.  The GOP negotiating team ended discussion Friday afternoon, walking out of meetings because they said the Biden Administration would not meet any of their insane demands.

Something you won’t hear on Fox tonight:  New York state and county prosecutors have opened investigations into various aspects of the fraudulent tale of veterans being evicted from an upstate hotel to make room for migrants from the Southern border, Politico reports.  Specifically, they’re looking into claims made by Sharon Toney-Finch, the director of a charity who allegedly paid homeless people to pose as veterans evicted from a Newburgh hotel.

Truth Matters.

And they will never take it away from us. pic.twitter.com/S3sabQLGju

— Kari Lake (@KariLake) May 19, 2023

An independent distributor of Budweiser products in Alabama is taking on the conservative boycott of the Anheuser-Busch InBev brand by purchasing radio ads challenging circulating falsehoods about the issue, Newsweek reports.

Bama Budweiser General Manager Steve Tatum narrated an ad explaining that while he personally didn’t like the brewer’s inclusivity effort by making a special can for trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney, the outcry by conservatives is overwrought.

“We at Bama Budweiser, an independent wholesaler, employ around 100 people who live here, work here, and our children go to school here,” Tatum says in the ad.  “We do not, and as I said before, did not support this issue involving Dylan Mulvaney. There was one single can made. It was not for sale and wasn’t properly approved. As a result, the Bud Light brand has new leadership.  Dylan Mulvaney is not under contract with Bud Light. The videos you may have seen are Mulvaney’s own social media posts that went viral and many web-based news outlets have distorted the story. You deserve to know the truth, and life is too short to let a couple of individuals decide what you can eat or drink or spend your hard-earned money on. And remember, making friends is our business, not enemies.”

A little late to the right wing party on “controversies” about beer, Russian dictator Vladimir Putin on Friday read a cue card “joke” claiming his exiled opponents were drinking beer containing “female sex hormones” during a meeting in Prague, the Daily Beast reports.

“[The opposition] would take second place in a competition of half-wits. Why only second? Because they’re half-wits,” said Putin, adding “Let them continue to drink beer,” and that “experts say” whatever beer they were contains a “large selection of female sex hormones.”

The Friday article titled “Holland Township Taco Bell employees’ terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day” from local Michigan paper the Holland Sentinel deserves some serious recognition for its deadpan description of a series of police responses to the Taco Bell location at 190 North River Avenue in the town, starting with Jeremy Chankongsinh’s arrest shortly after midnight on April 30th.

Lesser reporters than Tess Ware would not have bothered with the Freedom of Information Act to ascertain the truth about the law and order inflicted upon Chankongsinh’s genitals. Or how he screamed “Fuck you, send the dog. (I’ll) fight it off and fight everyone here,” to police. Or the other asshole (who had previously been banned from the Taco Bell location) arrested for throwing a credit card reader at an employee’s head when it wouldn’t work. Give Ware’s reporting a read.

“As a conservative and Republican I hate when people, who are supposedly on our side, lie to try to make a point. It serves no purpose other than to hurt the cause. The Democrats are providing plenty of ammunition, we don’t need to cheat” – The current top comment on the New York Post article “Longtime advocate lied about vets getting kicked out of NY hotels for migrants,” posted Thursday.

Last week the Post had reported that nearly two dozen homeless veterans had been evicted from a Hudson Valley hotel being used to shelter them to make room for an influx of migrants bussed to NYC by Texas Governor Low Energy Greg Abbot. The story was based solely on a claim by advocate Sharon Toney-Finch, the CEO of the Yerik Israel Toney Foundation and naturally the story spread all over MAGA social media as an example of libs putting “illegals” first over veterans.

Turns out Toney-Finch, allegedly a veteran herself, was not only full of shit, but had been party to a scheme by unknown individuals to pay random homeless men $200 each to pretend they were veterans evicted from the hotel when meeting with Republican New York state Assemblyman Brian Maher – who had pushed so hard to use it to gain attention for himself before the whole thing unraveled due to some superb investigative reporting by MidHudsonNews.com staff.

The moral of the story is that right wing media consumers evidently prefer to be angry about made-up outrages over being angry about said made-up outrages being exposed by incompetence.

Fucking idiot isn’t even pronouncing it right. It’s “Faux-schism” not “Fowchy-ism.” Three syllables, not four. This is worse than that asshole who says GIF is pronounced “JIF.” Who gives a shit if he invented GIFs? It’s “graphical interchange format” not fucking peanut butter.

HOLY SHIT! South Carolina Senator Tim Scott OFFICIALLY FILED THE PAPERWORK with the FEC to run for president on Friday! There’s no going back now! Signed, sealed, delivered baby! Watch out Nimrata, the Palmetto State has a new single-digit candidate in Republican 2024 primary-town!

Fresh from his five month bid at Rikers Island, former Trump Org CFO Allen Weaselberg is in hot water with Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg’s office again as prosecutors are threatening Weaselberg with perjury charges over false statements made to state AG Leticia James if he doesn’t flip on his fat former boss in the Stormy Daniels hush money case, the New York Times reports.

Worse for Trump and Weaselberg is that the cooperation reportedly sought isn’t just in regard to the 2016 Stormy Daniels hush money payments for which Donald was indicted this spring, but with falsifying the Trump Org’s financial statements and other tax-related fuckery. Bragg had dropped a grand jury investigation into those crimes in early 2022, believing he didn’t have enough evidence to convince a jury, but it appears that could change if Weaselberg spills on the Orange Warlord.

Non-Correction: The current version of this article and headline misspelled Allen Weisselberg’s last name as ‘Weaselberg.’ National Zero does not regret the error and will not be correcting it.

Putting it in all caps and framing it as some sort of appeal to “patriotism” certainly amps up the urgency in comparison to Jim Jordan begging for more “whistleblowers” in his interim committee report on FBI “bias” published on Thursday. So maybe this transparently desperate plea will work better than Jordan’s. But we think Trump’s pitch should include details about how much money these would-be “whistleblowers” can expect to be paid by his minion Kash Patel and/or get free advertisement for their “tell-all” books if they “expose” the “ELECTION INTERFERENCE” by the “THE CORRUPT FBI & DOJ” After all, what’s the point in flushing a career in federal law enforcement down the toilet over bullshit conspiracy theories if you can’t at least make a few bucks doing it?