At least three Russian military scientists who designed the country’s so-called “hypersonic” missiles were charged Wednesday with treason because the missiles weren’t really all that “hypersonic” and were shot down over Ukraine by American-made Patriot defense system, NBC News reports.

We already picked it up from CBS News earlier this morning, but might as well share the news again now that sources tell the New York Times that angry little gremlin Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is officially launching his likely already-failed campaign to defeat fat former President Trump for the 2024 Republican presidential nomination next Thursday, May 25th.

“US Senate Commerce Committee Ranking Member Ted Cruz (R-Texas) and Senator Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn), Ranking Member of the Subcommittee on Consumer Protection, Product Safety, and Data Security, today opened an investigation into and called on the beer industry’s self-regulatory body – the Beer Institute – to investigate whether Anheuser-Busch’s partnership with influencer Dylan Mulvaney violates the Beer Institute’s guidelines prohibiting marketing to underage individuals. The letter outlines evidence showing that Dylan Mulvaney’s audience skews younger than the legal drinking age and that Mulvaney’s social media content appeals to young viewers. The letter also calls on Anheuser-Busch to sever its relationship with Dylan Mulvaney.”

“In a letter to Brendan Whitworth, CEO of Anheuser-Busch and Chairman of the Beer Institute, Senators Cruz and Blackburn write: ‘We are writing to you today in both your capacity as the United States Chief Executive Officer of the Anheuser-Busch Companies (‘Anheuser-Busch’ or ‘your company’) and as the Chairman and Senior Director of the Beer Institute, the beer industry’s self-regulatory body with authority over the advertising of beer,” says a press release from totally useful and productive Republican Senators Rafael “Ted” Cruz and Marsha “Fucking Idiot” Blackburn.

It took them almost two months to come up with this pretext for “concern” over the Bud Light trans “controversy”: That a lot of Mulvaney’s fan base might be under age 21. Suddenly this is a problem after, just for example, rapper Post Malone’s hideously tattooed face appeared on Bud Light cans, when Game of Thrones-branded wines, beers, and whiskies were launched, rapper Snoop Dog starred in a Corona commercial, when Deadpool actor Ryan Reynolds partnered in a gin brand, when Star Wars-branded beers were launched, and how many more fucking examples of entertainers and entertainment properties that hold plenty of appeal with Americans under 21 nonetheless being used to market alcoholic products do we need here? When were Cruz and Blackburn “concerned” about them? Was it “never” because those are “straight” booze products?

The white nationalist Congresswoman called this press conference to announce her articles of impeachment against Joe Biden for refusing to finish building the border wall and ended up saying the correct description of her was just as bad as the worst possible racial slur imaginable.

Far-right mercenary company founder Erik Prince was indicted Wednesday by Austrian prosecutors on charges of trafficking weapons in Libya, Kurier reports. The charges stem from a 2021 United Nations report on alleged violations of an embargo to the war-torn North African country.

It’s not clear why it was Austrian and not American prosecutors who acted on this information, given Prince’s connections to Trump crimes – and the fact that his sister, evil former Trump Administration Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, was almost certainly a conduit for Prince’s scams.

On deck Thursday for another lame “Weaponization” Select Subcommittee hearing are FBI washouts Garret O’Boyle, Steve Friend, and Marcus Allen, and some douchebag activist from “Empower Oversight” named Tristian Leavitt. Of particular note is Friend, whose upcoming memoir, “True Blue: My Journey from Beat Cop to Suspended FBI Whistleblower” hits bookstores next month. We provided the link to pre-order on Amazon just in case he forgets to put it in his opening statement.

Following the GOP’s successful punt of the expulsion resolution against lying piece of shit Congressman George Santos to the House Ethics Committee, thereby preserving his vote for cowardly titular Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy on Wednesday, Santos communications director Naysa Woomer resigned, saying she’d had enough of his shit, Scripps News reports.

“With respect for my colleagues, the people of New York, and most importantly, myself, I am honored to tender my resignation,” said Woomer. “Unfortunately, [Santos] never took one point of professional advice given,” which was probably shut the fuck up and stop making things worse.

In related news, fellow freshman New York Congressman Tony D’Esposito, who despite being one of the Republicans leading the charge to expel his scumbag colleague Santos, ultimately bitched out and instead went along with McCarthy’s punt, told CNN’s Manu Raju on Thursday that he “would have absolutely voted for the expulsion. The fact is that after the Republicans whipped it, they didn’t have the votes. I look at this as the next best thing and the quickest way, as I said in my remarks, to rid the stain of George Santos from the House of Representatives.”

The first page of the “FBI WHISTLEBLOWER TESTIMONY HIGHLIGHTS GOVERNMENT ABUSE, MISALLOCATION OF RESOURCES, AND RETALIATION” interim staff report from the House Judiciary Committee and Select Subcommittee on the “Weaponization” of the Federal Government – well, second page if you count the cover sheet – screams out in big red bold letters “ATTENTION: All Justice Department and FBI Employees You have a right to speak with Congress.”

“Every federal employee of the Department of Justice and FBI has an unfettered right to communicate with Congress, without the approval, consent, or awareness of the Department or the FBI. Federal law protects these disclosures. Whistleblowers are an invaluable source for Congress in identifying, understanding, and remedying waste, fraud, abuse, and mismanagement. The Committee on the Judiciary is charged with conducting constitutional oversight of the Department of Justice and FBI. Any Justice Department or FBI personnel with information are encouraged to contact the Republican staff of the Judiciary Committee at (202) 225-6906.”

Now maybe Jim Jordan and his buddies just can’t get enough of a good thing. Maybe the phones are ringing off the hook and they’re adding dozens of staff and interns to handle an absolute biblical flood of FBI agents inspired by this report’s contents to say enough is enough with the leftist bias in federal law enforcement. Maybe together they will present an unassailable case for dismantling the FBI and the Department of Justice. We present those caveats just in case our first and most immediate impression that the three witnesses appearing later this morning, all three of them demented traitors who side with insurrectionists against democracy, doesn’t represent the extent of his current roster of “whistleblowers” and Jordan currently has jack shit is wrong. We could be misreading that page and Jordan has way more in store and will ultimately be successful in his crusade to dismantle the FBI. We have to acknowledge that possibility.

Wednesday was not a good day for fat former President Trump as far as the Mar-a-Lago docs situation goes, between one of his lawyers, Tim Parlatore, quitting and NARA notifying him that they handed incriminating evidence over to Justice Department special counsel Jack Smith… In fact we might have undersold that one in our reporting because we focused more on the notification than the fact that they were handing over 18 different documents indicating that Trump was informed repeatedly on how classified records should be handled. So what’s his other lawyer Jim Trusty to do? Go on CNN and make a complete asshole out of himself by claiming that Trump never needed to declassify the documents. The when called out on that bullshit, come up with some other bullshit and act like it’s selective prosecution, that the Presidential Records Act never needed to be criminally enforced with a subpoena and then an FBI raid on a former president’s home.

He’s right about that. No former president has ever had his home raided by the FBI because no former president ever was subpoenaed to return classified documents and then willfully defied it.

MAGA Georgia lawyer Ray Smith on Wednesday indicated in a court filing that he may be a target of Fulton County, Georgia District Attorney Fani Willis’s investigation into fat former President Trump’s attempted post-2020 election coup in the Peach State, Politico reports.

Smith, who represented the Orange God Emperor after the 2020 election, is “something between a target and witness,” according to a filing in the lawsuit brought by election workers Ruby Freeman and Shae Moss against alcoholic shitbrain Rudy Giuliani over false “election fraud” accusations.

Heels-wearing Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, despite the repeated humiliations at the tiny hands of fat former President Trump, will really officially launch his 2024 campaign next week, CBS reports.

“If a Republican wins the White House–and Lord help us if that does not happen–but, let’s say it, it’s Trump,” rumored to be fired Fox hostess pro tem Laura Ingraham nasals.  “Don’t you believe he has to completely dismantle the FBI and remake it into what it originally was supposed to be.  I mean this– can this be saved at this point?”

“Yeah, Y-Y-You’re right.  We’re gonna need a new president.  He’s gonna have to come in put the right people at the top.  The, the vast majority of the rank-and-file agents are great people.  After all, they’re the one’s comin’ forward tellin’ us what’s going on.  It’s the folks at the top,” Jim Jordan replies, never actually answering her question because he can’t be pinned down.

Deutsche Bank has agreed to pay $75 million to a fund benefiting victims of child sex trafficker and friend of Donald’s Jeffrey Epstein for the bank’s role in enabling Epstein’s operation if a federal judge approves the deal, the New York Times reports.  The settlement–roughly 9.5% of the amount Fox Corp. paid Dominion Voting Systems–will be made available to around 125 women who had previous settlements with Epstein’s estate.

Deutsche Bank was a favorite financial institution for then-(and should’ve stayed) real estate magnate Donald Trump before he entered politics, loaning the future twice-impeached president hundreds of millions of dollars before announcing in January 2021 it was cutting ties with his company–because the Trump-instigated, Republican-led domestic terrorist attack on the Capitol was too much for even the company that loaned the Nazis the money to build Auschwitz.

Global economies and agriculture will be thrown into further turmoil as worldwide temperatures hit record levels in the next five years, causing major shifts to many industries, the New York Times reports.  The World Meteorological Organization noted that man-made climate change will combine with an El Niño weather pattern lead to a 98% likelihood that the world will hit a new global high temperature at least once in the next five years.  The group also predicts that the next five years will end being the hottest five-year period on record.

The circulation of hotter air will force changes to the world agriculture industry, requiring more irrigation for farmlands as well as increased transportation costs.  Hotter temperatures will lead to higher utility usage and bills.  The El Niño will mean more rain for Northern Europe and sub-Saharan Africa with drier seasons in the Amazon and on Australia.

Two FBI agents set to testify before Jim Jordan’s special “government weaponization” distraction circus were among the three agents whose security clearances were recently revoked by the Bureau for their roles in the January 6th Republican-led domestic terrorist attack on Congress, the New York Times reports.

Marcus Allen and Stephen Friend were going to testify before the dog-and-pony show about their views that the FBI is too harsh on conservatives.  According to its response to a Jim Jordan letter in which he whined about conservative criminal suspects being investigated, the FBI explained Allen was suspended after he “expressed sympathy for persons or organizations that advocate, threaten or use force or violence.”

Friend was suspended after refusing to take part in an armed raid on a Three Percenter’s Florida home, claiming in a letter to superiors that it was unconstitutional because the man didn’t do anything violent.  “I have an oath to uphold the Constitution,” Friend wrote. “I have a moral objection and want to be considered a conscientious objector.”  The suspect, Tyler Bensch, posted a vide of himself on January 6th, 2021 standing in front of the Capitol holding an AR-15-style assault rifle, wearing a gas mask and donning body armor.  Friend is also suspected of downloading sensitive documents onto an a removable thumbdrive without authorization.

As a New Yorker is wont to do, Democratic New York Congressman Jamaal Bowman heckled a press gaggle being held by admitted thief and temporary New York Congressman George Santos, urging Santos to resign.  And that brought out the Beast that Fled New York to defend Santos–because of course she’s going to defend the admitted fraud.  While Bowman beseeches her to “save the [Republican] Party” by forcing Santos out of Congress, the flip-flop fearing Georgian shouted conspiracy theories about impeaching President Joe Biden and tens of thousands of children being hidden by the administration…?!

Convicted assaulter and Republican Montana Governor Greg Gianforte announced a complete ban on the Chinese-owned social media app TikTok Wednesday, NBC News reports, meaning that app stores cannot offer downloads and the website will not be accessible from IP addresses in the state owned by people who don’t know how to use VPNs.

Soon, conservatives will have only Schlitz and wine coolers.  In the past two days, right-wing commentators have decided they should now go after Miller Lite, claiming the brand owned by Molson Coors is trying to go as “woke” as Bud Light, which made the horrific sin of marketing to open-minded people.  The evidence, they say, is the commercial above celebrating women’s role in the history of brewing while also skewering Miller Lite’s own objectification of women in previous ads.

The hilariousness of this campaign, though, is that Miller Lite produced and distributed the ad (and a shorter version) during Women’s History Month, in March, about a month before the “brew-haha” regarding Bud Light providing LGBTQ Pride cans to a trans activist.  Check out the comments on the YouTube link above for this ad and you’ll see the vitriol started two days ago.

Lying piece of shit Congressman George Santos on Wednesday voted to refer his expulsion resolution to the House Ethics Committee, a dodge cooked up by titular Speaker of The House Kevin McCarthy to keep Santos’s crucial vote instead of kicking him out, CBS’s Scott MacFarlane reports.

The National Archives informed disgraced fat President Trump on Tuesday that they’re handing over 18 of their documents – ones showing he had knowledge of the actual declassification process when he was in office – over to Justice Department special counsel Jack Smith, CNN reports.

“The 16 records in question all reflect communications involving close presidential advisers, some of them directed to you personally, concerning whether, why, and how you should declassify certain classified records,” said Acting Archivist Deborah Seidel in a letter clear explaining to the orange loser that they have plenty of evidence Trump knows full well he can’t declassify documents “just by thinking about it,” and that they’re happy to give it to Jack Smith.