The NBA’s New Orleans Pelicans reached an important milestone in the 2022-23 season on Wednesday: Zero reported break-ins or thefts of vehicles parked around the team’s Smoothie King Center arena in the city’s central business district for the first time in weeks, 4WWL reports.
That’s right. For one night at least Pelicans fans were treated to a stellar defense from the guards outside the paint and this would require more research of pro basketball coverage tropes to really be a slam dunk satire-ish real news article. On a related note, fuck Bill Simmons.