“An 18 year-old apparently wasn’t ‘lovin’ it’ when he received his McDonald’s order, with Polk County deputies saying he called the fast food restaurant multiple times, threatening to shoot it up,” writes Ryan Burkett, the apparent wittiest member of Fox 13 Tampa’s digital content staff, who put it all out there on the field to make readers chuckle at the most what-passes-for-clever incorporation of a fast food giant’s advertising slogan into a story of terroristic threats not seen since a February 28, 2024 article that opened with “A Winter Haven man quickly learned that he couldn’t always have it his way when he pointed a gun at another vehicle in the parking lot of a Burger King,” by Nancy Gay.

It’s not clear if there’s any sort of mentor-student relationship between Burkett and Gay. Or a friendly rivalry. Or an unfriendly rivalry. Or maybe one of the above but they also fuck on their lunch breaks. Or an unfriendly rivalry where they used to fuck on their lunch breaks until one of them started fucking another coworker which prompted jealousy and anger that fed into the rivalry.

What is clear however is that Burkett probably wishes it were Taco Bell and that the suspect, 18 year-old Dayton Schaffer had gone to the location and held the workers hostage at gunpoint. Then Burkett could’ve written that the employees were pleading that they wanted to “Live Más.”

Anyway the asshole’s been charged with false report concerning the use of a firearm against persons and misuse of a 2-way communication device for making the threats over a $5 meal deal that he said the McDonald’s had “messed up.” Before getting distracted by the Fox 13 lede, National Zero had intended to headline this story as “Florida man threatens McMassacre over McFuckup.”