An accident report released this week on the January 28th crash of an Air Force F-35 Lighting fighter jet reveals that the pilot spent 50 minutes on a call with manufacturer Lockheed Martin’s tech support trying to unfuck a partially stuck landing gear before their “troubleshooting” made things worse and the $200 million aircraft became uncontrollable, forcing the pilot to bail, CNN reports.
The Air Force blamed weather conditions at Eielson Air Force Base in Fairbanks, Alaska – and yeah no shit it’d be cold – that froze the hydraulic lines that control the landing gear. Re-fully deploying the landing gear to try to retract them then only made things worse, causing the nose gear to be stuck at an angle. The pilot then called Lockheed engineers who told him to try “touch and go” landings to straighten out the wheels. Not only did that not work for the nose gear, it made things even worse, causing both the left and right main landing gears freezing up and not being able to extend fully to attempt an actual landing. The plane’s computer then engaged “automated ground-operation mode,” because it thought it was on the ground, rendering the controls useless. The pilot then pulled the eject lever, sending the craft plummeting straight down and causing a fiery explosion on its impact in an uninhabited field near the base. The pilot luckily suffered only minor injuries.
It’s not clear how much of the 50-minute call was spent with an operator who answered “Thank you for calling Lockheed Martin, my name is Jay, how may I assist you today?… Okay Mr Lieutenant Firehawk, thank you for being loyal customer of Lockheed Martin. Mr Lieutenant Firehawk, I am of understanding that your F-35 Lightning landing gear is stucked and not retracting after your takeoff from the Eibelson Air Forces base. Please allow me three to five minutes to consult with my team on your issue… Okay Mr Lieutenant Firehawk, hello again. Can you please confirm your Lockheed customer ID? Sir, Mr Lieutenant Firehawk, I am trying to assist you and that is more difficult if you screaming ‘fuck you asshole, just give me a fucking engineer right fucking now.’ It is not necessary to using bad language or threaten to bomb call center with cluster munition. I am here to help, Mr Lieutenant Firehawk… Okay my supervisor say we can waive customer ID requirement. Please hold for engineer’s department” and then Kenny Loggins’s “Danger Zone” on loop, occasionally punctuated by a voiceover saying “At Lockheed Martin, we’re powering American freedom with state of the art fighter jets and unmanned aerial drones. Learn more at LockheedMartin dot com slash air power!” and “Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line and our specialists will be happy to help you get your Lockheed Martin product back in the air!” before the engineers joined the call. Or if the pilot’s headset was capable of picking up the “Please rate your level of satisfaction with our customer support team” prompt as his parachute deployed in the cold, thin air.