More like Douche Fakeman, amirite? Heh-heh-heh. Friday had to be the greatest day of this asshole’s life, having convicted felon President Trump show up once again to his suburban bailiwick just outside of New York City in front of a crowd of police cadets who may or may not have faced retaliation or even expulsion from the academy on Blakeman’s orders if they had declined to fill out the seats in the auditorium. Guess the Nassau County Police Department had to find a way to make up for the September 2024 false alarm fuckup that freaked his fans out during a rally at the nearly-adjacent Nassau Coliseum. For Blakeman it’s the pinnacle of his career in politics, leading the populous and wealthy county while also winning the gubernatorial nomination by default after Elise Stefanik said “fuck this” and quit politics because Trump wouldn’t endorse her like he promised to after having pulled her nomination to UN Ambassador because he couldn’t afford to lose her vote.

Lol. Anyway it’s been a long road for Bruce, serving as a town and then county councilman in the 1990s, and then losing the state comptroller race by more than 30 points in 1998, reelection to his county legislature seat in 1999, dropping out of the 2009 New York City mayoral contest, losing a 2010 US Senate primary by more than 20 points, and losing a 2014 congressional race before finally squeaking out the county executive-ship by 0.86 percent against Dem incumbent Laura Curran during the 2021 mini-Red Wave powered by the nationwide “Critical Race Theory” circlejerk.

Blakeman, whose vaguely WASPy appearance and somewhat ambiguous surname might lead others from his neighborhood – the Five Towns area of Goodfellas fame – to slur him as “goyish” (or even a “yekke” for the true auteurs of Catskills shit-talk), should feel even more blessed than that however, as his increasingly decaying overlord was too addled to recall a very specific policy promise Blakeman had made to voters last November, one with not at all vague or ambiguous deliverables.

NYC suburb makes major security move by city border after Mamdani victory: 'Talks like he's pro-criminal' https://t.co/OwhzUnh9sJ

— Fox News (@FoxNews) November 25, 2025

Again lol that Fox News didn’t even bother to name Blakeman in the tweet promoting their story from last November, just days after Trump completely caved to the then mayor-elect’s charm offensive in the Oval Office and while Republicans were losing their shit over their Orange God Emperor’s whiff. Maybe it’s that low-key coverage that escaped Trump’s notice then or he failed to remember it now while showering Blakeman with his golden glory in front of all their underlings.

Whatever happened, Blakeman was spared from any mention of his utterly fucking ridiculous promise to “fortify” Nassau County’s border with Queens that he made to Fox in that interview, claiming he and his goons would be “installing technology along the border of New York City that will read license plates, that will have facial recognition, that will have video cameras,” because Mamdani’s win was to unleash a wave of violent anarchy that would spill over the roughly 15.5 mile-long intra-state border. One crossed by several major highways, a dozen or so more surface arteries, 50 to 60 or so residential streets, four rail lines and that bisects untold dozens of private properties, including as many as 100 homes, all of it crossed by 900,000+ vehicles per day.

“We’re doing everything necessary to make sure that Nassau County is safe,” Blakeman said. The that was the first time his plan for Fortress Nassau was made public. There was no second time.

Yup it’s been about nine months and not once has this blogger been stopped and interrogated at the border during the dozens of times he transited via road or rail. Nassau Police have not set up roadblocks, have not uttered “papers, please,” or denied entry out of New York City and into Nassau County. And as much as the above slop of what a truly just world would look like given the inaction of this assclown, there isn’t even a marginally just world where he gets called out for promising that kind of stupid bullshit and then held to account for it politically for failing on the terms he set.

Now does it really matter when Blakeman, declared DOA by Fox News several days after that interview while Stefanik was still in the race and it was only through her inability to keep pretending that got him the nomination, is putting out press releases saying he’s actually “neck and neck” with incumbent Kathy Hochul in response to a Siena poll putting her up 49 to 39? No.

Is he really only in the race on the off-chance that lightning strikes twice and once again his dominant female opponent unexpectedly exits for one reason or another? Yes. Does that mean he shouldn’t at least be held to account by Republican voters for jerking them around with empty promises to protect them from nonexistent threats? No. Blakeman is failing them all of them.

Small business owners like the proprietor of this Massapequa gas station, who told Spartan over the phone that regular is now $4.39 a gallon at his ultra patriotic establishment (A phone call only necessary because Spartan’s cousin was apparently too busy being a responsible dad to two boys to walk 700 ft and take a photo), up over $1.00 from the price shown in this April 2025 Google Street view pic (seriously it’s so much more MAGA than what you can see here). Important media personalities like Fox and Friends host Brian Kilmeade, whose surprisingly kind of modest home about a mile away is blurred out on Google Street view, so frightened is he of Mamdani’s legions.

Then there’s Spartan’s nephew a few blocks away, too busy with Dungeons and Dragons and purposely ignoring politics to go to the gas station. Nearby too are the former neighbors of Gilgo Beach serial killer Rex Heuermann, so focused on evil foreign-born predators that they never thought it was weird that the Trump Org subcontractor would regularly burn trash in his backyard at 2:00 AM on a weeknight while his wife and kids were away on their separate vacations. Whoever the asshole is that owns the 2007-ish Cadillac Escalade with all the custom-made Trump fan livery.

Credit: Reddit user DinoRoman

The owners of funeral home that hosted President Trump as he campaigned at the wake of an NYPD officer killed in the line of duty during Mamdani’s predecessor’s mayorship. The resident(s) of the childhood home of actually-kind-of-Trump-like-when-you-really-think-about-it Trump impersonator Alec Baldwin, a person who may or may not be actually MAGA themselves but whatever.

All of them deserving of the courage of a true “MAGA warrior” to protect them from the rampaging hordes unleashed over the county border in their imaginations, a threat so exaggerated and racially-coded it demands immediate action and exhaustive work to publicize the installation of a handful of license plate readers and at least one or two self-congratulatory photo ops to go with it.

Did Blakeman do that? No. Forget actually doing shit, he didn’t even pretend to actually do shit.

Zohran Mamdani may or may not end up getting at least one municipally-owned grocery store opened in each of the five boroughs by some time next year, but at least he’s still making moves to let the public know it’s still a thing. MAGA New Yorkers deserve a better cheap-ass empty suit than this fucking worm as their all-but-guaranteed to lose candidate for governor this November.