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One of the 43 rhesus monkeys that escaped from a lab in South Carolina was taken back into custody on Saturday, ABC News reports. “She is well and having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich,” said Alpha Genesis CEO Greg Westergaard in a statement about the unnamed monkey.

Officials in the town of Yemasee said that “a significant number” of the escaped primates were located in a facility near where the rescued animal was found and were “jumping back and forth over the facility’s fence… Alpha Genesis management and staff are on-site, actively feeding and monitoring the animals, and they will continue these efforts throughout the weekend. The primates continue to interact with their companions inside the facility, which is a positive sign” that authorities and the testing company can spank this mass escape problem once and for all.

A Friday Daily Wire story headlined “EXCLUSIVE: FEMA Official Ordered Relief Workers To Skip Houses With Trump Signs” quotes from a “whistleblower” who says “it’s almost unbelievable to think that somebody in the federal government would think that’s okay” for the federal disaster relief agency to order its employees to do exactly that in one town struck by Hurricane Milton last month.

The highly popular right wing propaganda site writes that they obtained a screenshot of a Microsoft Teams group chat in which a supervisor wrote that “it would be ‘best practice’ to ‘avoid homes advertising Trump,’ according to photos of the messages viewed by The Daily Wire. No explanation was given for this guidance, which included other recommendations like telling the workers to ‘practice de-escalation and preventative measures,’ and to ‘avoid high salt diets and coffee.'”

President Joe Biden and President-Elect Trump will sit for what’s sure to be a pretty fucking awkward meeting in the Oval Office on Wednesday, the Associated Press reports.

What the fuck is this? Why does a Wendy’s Junior Bacon Cheeseburger still cost $3.99 at the location in Lower Manhattan? We were to understand that prices would immediately plummet on everyday items after a certain candidate won the 2024 presidential election this week.

We thought that the companies who have been overcharging customers for the last four years would right away slash prices because they weren’t afraid of the current president, who is too feckless and weak to punish them for bringing economic suffering on Americans like this. A Wendy’s Jr Bacon Cheeseburger used to cost a dollar in 2002 and now it’s up to four dollars. Americans voted overwhelmingly to bring that price back – it’s been four days now and Wendy’s is defying the president-elect. Basically mocking him to his face even after he swore to take action against them.

Okay, sure. We’ll give it some time, but if by January 21st the Jr Bacon Cheeseburger is still $3.99 at the Staten Island Ferry Terminal Wendy’s then we will immediately be declaring the second Trump Administration a failure. We’re not going to be accepting any excuses or nerd talk about how economics and fast food franchising or any of that shit works. This will be on President-Elect Trump.

A brush fire tore through a hilly, wooded section of Brooklyn’s Prospect Park on Friday night, burning a likely small but indeterminate amount of acreage in New York City’s other main Frederick Law Olmsted-designed urban sanctuary after Manhattan’s Central Park, NBC News reports.

The inferno was just the latest in an outbreak of wildfires across a region that hasn’t seen substantial rain since September coupled with unseasonably warm temperatures often above 80 degrees. “The fire’s under control, and there are some hotter spots,” FDNY Commissioner Robert S Tucker said Friday, adding that they’ll investigate Saturday. “Daylight will help us figure out the cause and origin of this fire,” Tucker continued, as if they’re going to be able to track down the dickhead who probably simply dropped the butt of a joint on some dry leaves.

• It appears we’re going to need more synonyms for “orange.”
• I gave serious consideration to renaming this week’s log “Dreadful thoughts Friday” after Tuesday’s election because my thoughts have been anything but random lately.
• My favorite roller coaster (that still exists) is the old wooden ride at Knoeble’s in the middle of Pennsylvania.  It’s not super complicated, but the sound of the metal running along the wooden frame, hanging onto the 1950’s-style cars as they speed among the branches of huge trees that grew throughout it, was quite a ride.  
• It is not a coincidence that this is happening as last of The Greatest Generation die off.  
  Read More ▶ “Random thoughts Friday, Volume CXCIX”

“The day before the election, | was notified by the Margate Police Department, located in my Congressional District, about a potential plot on my life,” Florida Democratic Congressman Jared Moskowitz posted online.  “The individual in question was arrested not far from my home; he is a former felon who was in possession of a rifle, a suppressor, and body armor. Found with him was a manifesto that, among other things, included antisemitic rhetoric and only my name on the ‘target’ list. There are many other details that | will not disclose as I do not want to interfere with an ongoing investigation.

“I want to thank local law enforcement, the US Marshalls, the FBI, the US Capitol Police, and the US Attorney’s office. As someone who was appointed to the Task Force on the Attempted Assassination of Donald J. Trump, I understand the failures and importance of fixing the protection of our current and future Commander-In-Chief and Vice President. At the same time, I am deeply worried about Congressional member security and the significant lack thereof when we are in the district. Regardless of our political affiliations or differences, we all have families we want to keep safe.”

“As of noon today, we would like to provide an update regarding the escaped primates. They have not yet been re-captured and returned to their enclosures. Current observations show the primates playfully exploring the perimeter fence of the facility, engaging with those still inside by cooing to them. Alpha Genesis is keeping a close watch on the situation while maintaining a safe distance at this time. The primates are exhibiting calm and playful behavior, which is a positive indication.”

“We kindly urge the public to stay clear of this area as Alpha Genesis works diligently to safely recover these animals and return them to their habitats unharmed. According to previous communications from Alpha Genesis, there is currently no threat to public health. We sincerely appreciate the community’s overwhelming support and concern as we work towards a positive resolution. We will provide further updates as more information becomes available,” says the Yemassee, South Carolina Police Department in an update on the monkey situation.

TLDR: They seem to be just hoping that all 43 monkeys go back to the lab on their own.

The Biden Administration on Friday lifted a “de facto” ban on US military contractors from working in Ukraine, CNN reports on what sounds like a way of fucking up convicted felon President-Elect Trump’s “peace plan” by making it too lucrative for the military-industrial complex to give up.

“In order to help Ukraine repair and maintain military equipment provided by the US and its allies, DoD is soliciting bids for a small number of contractors who will help Ukraine maintain the assistance we’ve already provided,” an official told CNN. “These contractors will be located far from the front lines and they will not be fighting Russian forces. They will help Ukrainian Armed Forces rapidly repair and maintain US provided equipment as needed so it can be quickly returned to the front.”

Yeah so we’re thinking that unless they stop saying this shit by like early January at the latest so their base can forget it ever was promised to them, we’re going to have to operate under the assumption that they really mean to round people up and ship them out of the country.

“Gov Gavin Newscum is trying to KILL our Nation’s beautiful California. For the first time ever, more people are leaving than are coming in. He is using the term ‘Trump-Proof’ as a way of stopping all of the GREAT things that can be done to ‘Make California Great Again,’ but I just overwhelmingly won the Election. People are being forced to leave due to his, & other’s, INSANE POLICY DECISIONS, like the ridiculously rerouting of MILLIONS OF GALLONS OF WATER A DAY FROM THE NORTH OUT INTO THE PACIFIC OCEAN, rather than using it, free of charge, for the towns, cities, & farms dotted all throughout California. They are making it impossible to build a reasonably priced car, the unchecked and unbalanced homeless catastrophe, & the cost of EVERYTHING, in particular ‘groceries,’ IS OUT OF CONTROL. Also, as an ‘AGENT’ for the United States of America on Voting & Elections, I will be DEMANDING THAT VOTER ID, AND PROOF OF CITIZENSHIP, ARE A NECESSARY PART AND COMPONENT OF THE VOTING PROCESS!” posted convicted felon President-Elect Trump on Friday.

He seems awfully agitated over something. Don’t really get the “groceries” thing, nor would it be a good idea to force the low info-voters who just elected him again to provide proof of citizenship going forward. Well this ought to be a fun four years of constant dumbassery and incompetence.

threatening text message sent to Black voters following the announced outcome of the presidential election informed them that they have been “selected to pick cotton” and that they would be detained by “slave catchers” who will abduct them shortly to force them into service, CNN reports.

The texts were sent through a third-party service called TextNow, which said it was under a long-term, sustained attack from unknown sources.  “The FBI is aware of the offensive and racist text messages sent to individuals around the country and is in contact with the Justice Department and other federal authorities on the matter,” the Bureau said in a brief announcement.  “As always, we encourage members of the public to report threats of physical violence to local law enforcement authorities.”

GAME-CHANGER! CNN “Wellness Expert” Dr Leana Wen says in an interview with a CNN Wellness writer there’s one killer “hack” for conquering your post-election stress: She calls it “forest bathing.”

“There is actually a lot of evidence that going outside, and specifically being surrounded by nature, can have many beneficial health impacts. Specifically, there is a practice called forest bathing, which involves being immersed in nature. This is not actual bathing,” says Wen, CNN’s “Wellness Expert.”

Waiiiit a second… You mean to say that it’s not jumping into a pond or stream in the middle of a forest? “Rather, the person spends time in nature through activities such as a leisurely walk or just sitting and enjoying the surroundings.” Oh so she means just going on a hike in the woods.

“This practice has its roots in Japan, where it’s called shinrin-yoku. There are numerous studies on ‘forest therapy’ that show that being in nature can lower anxiety and improve mood. It can reduce blood pressure, help with sleep and even enhance immune system function. Researchers hypothesize that being in nature decreases stress hormones, therefore reducing blood pressure and heart rate and reversing the impact of stress on the immune, endocrine, gastrointestinal and other body systems,” Wen continues and they actually printed this. We’re not skeptical, we’re just confused as to why simply going outdoors needed a rebranding as “forest bathing.”

Like they might as well be saying “vitamin indulging” is a good way to make sure you get vitamins.

“There are fake, untrue, and probably illegal rumors and/or statements made by, perhaps, market manipulators or short sellers, that I am interested in selling shares of Truth. THOSE RUMORS OR STATEMENTS ARE FALSE. I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SELLING! I hereby request that the people who have set off these fake rumors or statements, and who may have done so in the past, be immediately investigated by the appropriate authorities. Truth is an important part of our historic win, and I deeply believe in it. Thank you for your attention to this matter. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!” posted convicted felon President-Elect Trump on his lame Twitter clone on Friday.

First the MAGA deep state came for the market-manipulating $DJT short-sellers and I was silent…

“American consumers could lose between $46 billion and $78 billion in spending power each year if new tariffs on imports to the United States are implemented, according to a new study released today by the National Retail Federation. NRF’s study, ‘Estimated Impacts of Proposed Tariffs on Imports: Apparel, Toys, Furniture, Household Appliances, Footwear and Travel Goods’ examines how former President Donald Trump’s tariff proposals, a universal 10-20 percent tariff on imports from all foreign countries and an additional 60-100 percent tariff on imports specifically from China, would impact these six consumer products categories: apparel, toys, furniture, household appliances, footwear and travel goods,” says the National Retail Federation in a press release.

“‘Retailers rely heavily on imported products and manufacturing components so that they can offer their customers a variety of products at affordable prices,’ NRF Vice President of Supply Chain and Customs Policy Jonathan Gold said. ‘A tariff is a tax paid by the US importer, not a foreign country or the exporter. This tax ultimately comes out of consumers’ pockets through higher prices.’ While some US manufacturers may benefit from the tariffs, the gains to US producers and the Treasury from tariff revenue do not outweigh overall losses to consumers. For example, a $40 toaster oven would cost consumers $48-$52 after the tariffs. The price of a $50 pair of athletic shoes would jump to $59-$64 and a $2,000 mattress and box spring set would end up costing $2,128-$2,190.”

“Within each category, higher prices and loss of spending power would hit low-income families especially hard,” the press release continued. It doesn’t say anything about how the tariffs would help address child-care costs the way that Trump promised they would a few months ago.

Term-limited outgoing Ghana President Nana Akufo-Addo this week unveiled a golding statue honoring term-limited outgoing Ghana President Nana Akufo-Addo, the BBC reports. The golden-colored monument, made up and coated in some indeterminate alloy, stands outside the of western city of Sekondi’s Effia-Nkwanta Regional Hospital as a tribute to Akufo-Addo’s achievements during his term, of which he self-estimates he fulfilled about 80 percent of his promises.

The 80 year-old Akufo-Addo’s deputy, Vice-President Mahamudu Bawumia, is standing as the ruling New Patriotic Party nominee versus former former President John Dramani Mahama, who is seeking a comeback under the opposition National Democratic Congress’s ticket in next month’s national elections. Maybe Akufo-Addo could’ve waited until after the election just in case the uproar over the at least modestly-sized shiny golden statue dings his chosen successor politically.

Private prison company Geo Group’s stock is up nearly 60 percent since convicted felon President-Elect Trump won. On a Thursday earnings call, founder George Zoley told investors the company is prepared to handle millions of people, the Washington Post’s Heather Long reports.

“In GEO’s ISAP [monitoring] program, we can scale up from the present 182,500 participants to several hundreds of thousands or even millions of participants. In GEO’s nationwide ground and air transportation services, we can scale up for domestic as well as international travel. GEO Group was built for this unique moment in our country’s history and the opportunities that will bring,” Zoley said.

A Florida man was struck and killed by another vehicle on I-95 in Providence, Rhode Island early Wednesday morning after he apparently pulled over on the southbound side and crossed over on foot to chase down some cash that was strewn about the northbound side, WJAR reports.

The Rhode Island State Police say 61 year-old Kevin Elliot McCourt had stopped his car on I-95 south in the area of Eddy and Barton Street exit shortly before 5:41 AM and got out. Cops did not mention the cash but they were later seen collecting the bills from the pavement.

Locals thought the whole thing was freaking stupid. “I think that’s crazy, is there more money to be found?” said Sara Walker of Providence. “It’s totally not worth getting out of your car to grab cash.” Other local woman Lauren Senechal was more understanding of why the guy got himself killed. “The economy is tough right now, free cash. I don’t blame anybody for picking it up though.”

Boeing’s unmanned X37B Spaceplane–which conveniently doesn’t need exit doors–performed some aerodynamic maneuvers in space, using the minimal atmosphere of low orbit to slow the craft and reposition its orbit.

“When we aerobrake, we utilize atmospheric drag to effectively step down our apogee one pass at a time until we get to the orbital regime that we want to be in,” an engineer from Boeing Space said, according to IFLScience.  Essentially what that means is that the X37B space plane positioned its underside surfaces to hit the atmosphere to slow the ship, allowing it to change the course of its orbit.

A juvenile male emperor penguin seriously fucked up last week, swimming to southwestern Australia where locals found him wandering around a beach, looking confused by the lack of ice and other penguins on the shore, roughly 2,200 miles from his native habitat, the ABC Australia reports.

“It was massive, it was way bigger than a sea bird and we’re like, what is that thing coming out of the water? And it kind of had a tail sticking out like a duck,” surfer Aaron Fowler of the town of Denmark, Western Australia said. “There is always a bit of wildlife in the water but never a penguin.”

“He just looked absolutely flawless,” Fowler continued. [“The kids] were pretty excited, but I don’t think they understood the coolness of what was happening. He tried to do like a slide on his on his belly, thinking it was snow I guess and just face planted and stood up and shook all the sand off.”

University of Western Australia biologist Dr Belinda Cannell told ABC it was the highest latitude an emperor penguin has ever been observed. “The furthest north they go from Antarctica is about 50 degrees south [latitude] from my readings and Ocean Beach is 35 degrees south, so a lot further north than what they’ve ever tracked emperor penguins from Antarctica before.” Officials took the penguin to a registered wildlife center where he’s being cared for and examined by veterinarians.