UPDATE 11/18/2022: The Special Counsel is Jack Smith, a veteran federal prosecutor with a resume heavy on national security law and politically sensitive investigations, per Politico’s Kyle Cheney.

Attorney General Merrick Garland on Friday appointed a Special Counsel to investigate both fat former President Trump’s treasonous attempt to overturn the results of the 2020 election and his theft of top secret documents from the White House when he left office in disgrace following his humiliating defeat to Joe Biden, Politico reports. The counsel has not been named publicly yet.

We were told we’d get tired of winning. But I’m tired of losing.

And so are most Republicans.

— Mike Pompeo (@mikepompeo) November 18, 2022

The Biden Administration on Friday petitioned the Supreme Court to lift the hold on the student debt relief plan imposed by the 8th Circuit Court of Appeals after a challenge from MAGA states attorneys general who didn’t like educated people catching a break from the government.

“On the merits, the plan falls squarely within the plain text of the Secretary’s statutory authority. Indeed, the entire purpose of the HEROES Act is to authorize the Secretary to grant student-loan-related relief to at-risk borrowers because of a national emergency – precisely what the Secretary did here. And the plan rested on the Secretary’s examination of the relevant economic data and the Department’s long experience with borrowers transitioning back into repayment. The Eighth Circuit did not address either the text of the statute or the data supporting the plan. And the court compounded its errors by issuing sweeping nationwide relief, rather than limiting the injunction to loans serviced by the sole entity on which the court relied in finding that respondents had standing.”

“The Eighth Circuit’s erroneous injunction leaves millions of economically vulnerable borrowers in limbo, uncertain about the size of their debt and unable to make financial decisions with an accurate understanding of their future repayment obligations. If the Court declines to vacate the injunction, it may wish to construe this application as a petition for a writ of certiorari before judgment, grant the petition, and set the case for expedited briefing and argument this Term to avoid prolonging this uncertainty for the millions of affected borrowers. Cf. United States v. Texas, cert. granted, No. 22-58 (oral argument scheduled for Nov. 29, 2022),” says the petition.

“Yesterday, I said on the Floor that the time has come for a new generation to lead our magnificent House Democratic Caucus. It is with pride, gratitude and confidence in their abilities that I salute Chairman Hakeem Jeffries, Assistant Speaker Katherine Clark and Vice Chairman Pete Aguilar for being ready and willing to assume this awesome responsibility. In the 118th Congress, House Democrats will be led by a trio that reflects our beautiful diversity of our nation. Chair Jeffries, Assistant Speaker Clark and Vice Chair Aguilar know that, in our Caucus, diversity is our strength and unity is our power. A new day is dawning – and I am confident that these new leaders will capably lead our Caucus and the Congress,” says Pelosi in a statement

An in-depth study by the team at Media Matters found that the number of Fox News segments on weekdays about violent crime plummeted after the midterm elections, averaging 141 weekly during September and October, and peaking at 193 during the five day period between Monday, October 31st and November 4th, before dropping down to 71 last week, November 7th thru the 11th.

It ticked back up to 74 segments during the first three days of this week, but Media Matters ascribes this to the murders at the Universities of Virginia and Idaho that gained national coverage.

On a related note, we wish Media Matters were a little more transparent with the tools they used to gather this data. See, we wanted to do a “Crimeflation” combo chart, but the problem is our query with Archive.org for inflation over the last month only returns what hours in which the word “inflation” was mentioned at least once and, as you can see, it was around the clock before the midterms, literally 24 of 24 hours on most days. It’s not entirely useless for this purpose (but almost is) as you can see there clearly was a drop-off after the Midterms. But for want of just a little more data from Archive.org, specifically an occurrence count of a specific word within all of their auto-archived Fox News programming, we’re stuck with just saying it kind of fell off without really being able to tell our readers how much it actually did. Not hard to imagine they were hammering the shit out of it (and violent crime too) on Frau Ingraham’s show last Monday only for her to mention them in passing once this Monday, but Archive.org counts that all the same.

Louisiana Senator Bill Cassidy, perhaps the most surprising random Republican of among those who voted to convict fat former President Trump at the end of the second impeachment trial, on Friday announced he won’t be running for governor, WDSU reports. Fellow GOP Senator John Kennedy also expressed interest in succeeding term-limited Conservative Democrat Governor John Bel Edwards in 2023, as has asshole far right Attorney General Jeff Landry.

Lake-effect snowfall forecast to accumulate high as five feet in the Buffalo area began dumping on regions of Upstate New York east of Lakes Erie and Ontario on Thursday into Friday as a high pressure system over Alaska pushed colder than temperatures into the lower 48, CNN reports.

“The snowfall will produce near zero visibility, difficult to impossible travel, damage to infrastructure, and paralyze the hardest-hit communities,” the National Weather Service said in a Thursday bulletin. “Very cold air will accompany this event, with temperatures 20 degrees below normal forecast by the weekend. Historic snowfall exceeding 4 feet is likely around Buffalo.” Snow was recorded falling at the rate of three inches an hour, accompanied by lightning strikes and strong wind gusts.

“That level of snow coming down with that intensity is what creates the dangerousness the lack of ability to see on the roads,” said New York Governor Kathy Hochul on Thursday as she declared a state of emergency for 11 counties and banned commercial travel on a number of highways. “When it’s coming down at that rate, it is almost impossible to clear the road to make it safe to travel. It will not be safe for a considerable amount of time for motorists to go back on the roads.”

Two days before the tournament is set to begin, Qatar has suddenly decided beer is off the menu at the World Cup matches, the AP reports. That’s not even the cuntiest part though: They’re banning beer for general admission fans, but allowing champagne, wine, whiskey and other alcohol to still be served in the luxury box seats. So rich people can drink but the above Average Joes who can afford plane tickets to and hotel rooms in an Arab Gulf state are going to have to enjoy the game sober.

After the latest vote drop cut the difference to just 551 votes, the race for Colorado’s 3rd Congressional District–a seat held by alleged former prostitute contracted by Ted Cruz Lauren Boebert–will be headed to an automatic recount, the New York Times reports.

With the current margin at 0.16% of the more than 325,000 votes cast, the race going to a recount in a solid Republican district that was widely considered safe exemplifies how poorly Republicans–particularly Trump-aligned Republicans–performed in the midterms.

Adam Frisch, the Democratic nominee for the seat, was a member of the Aspen City Council who ran a grassroots campaign that highlighted the lack of achievements his opponent had since she’s been elected.  Other than getting social media upvotes, Boebert only succeeded in shuttering her restaurant.

I gotta admit.  In the pantheon of misguided conservative, um, “celebrities” (?) who love to shoot their mouths off–with such luminaries as Joe Piscopo, Kevin Sorbo, Scott Baio, and a lot of other -oh my gawd are they still alive? personalities–I totally forgot about John Schneider, who literally became famous under a Confederate flag.

Well, he’s back, this time talking to the only one of Donald Trump’s children’s spouses who isn’t a complete disappointment to their father-in-law for not being there for the Big Announcement Lara Trump, appearing on what appears to be closed-circuit television, who nods in agreement as Schneider says with a straight face, “Republicans cannot and will not cheat. Democrats will.”

Former Trump Organization Chief Financial Officer Allen Weisselberg testified under oath in the company’s criminal tax evasion trial that Trump family members did not know of the scheme to avoid paying taxes, claiming it was undertaken by him and the company’s controller, NBC News reports.

Weisselberg and other company executives received off-the-books compensation such as rent-free apartments, the use of cars, or tuition paid for their relatives out of Trump accounts–including Donald Trump’s personal accounts–instead of logged pay in an attempt to avoid paying taxes and increasing the company’s tax burden.  Having pleaded guilty in August for his role in the scheme, Weisselberg said he and controller Jeffrey McConney were the only ones who knew the company wasn’t reporting these as taxable expenditures, even though Donald Trump and his two sons would sign checks to compensate the employees.

And yet, even though he’s admitted, under oath, to being criminally bad at his job, exposing the company to expensive litigation, and even risking the business license of the corporation itself because of his actions, Weisselberg is still employed by the Trump Organization, which says its former CFO is on a personal leave of absence.  In fact, Weisselberg testified that he is still on the company’s legitimate payroll which pays taxes and everything, maintaining his one million dollar annual salary.  Weisselberg said that while he was no longer CFO, his duties remained the same, although he did not specify if those duties continue to include defrauding tax authorities.

“Yellowstone National Park announced today that the human foot found in Abyss Pool, located in the West Thumb Geyser Basin, belonged to Il Hun Ro, a 70-year-old male from Los Angeles, California. Yellowstone law enforcement officers received the positive identification based on DNA analysis in the last three weeks and notified the family,” said Yellowstone officials in a Thursday statement.

“In August 2022, staff discovered part of a foot in a shoe floating in the well-known thermal feature and an investigation led by Yellowstone law enforcement officers began. The investigation determined, to the best of our knowledge, that an unwitnessed incident involving one individual happened on the morning of July 31, 2022, at Abyss Pool, and no foul play occurred. Based on a lack of evidence, the circumstances surrounding the death of Ro remain unknown. This investigation has concluded, and the park has no additional information to share,” the statement concluded.

Well that sure sounds buttoned up. There’s no witnesses or evidence, they have no idea what the fuck happened to this guy, they only found part of his foot in a pool of boiling volcanically heated water and only figured out his identity through DNA analysis. Case closed bros… In all seriousness it’s probable, maybe even likely that the poor bastard fell in to the hot acidic water and suffered a horrific, if at least mercifully quick death being dissolved alive. It’s happened before to people there. They might just want to try to explain that gently as possible instead of this self-contradictory “we conclude there was no foul play based on no evidence or witnesses” mess that seems destined for a future edition of a law enforcement textbook as an example of how not to write public statements.

The Twitter employee Slack channel is filled with saluting emojis–the image traditionally posted by departing company employees–as at least a couple hundred employees refused new owner Elon Musk’s ultimatum to go “extreme hardcore” for no additional compensation or quit, CNN reports.

In an email sent company-wide earlier this week, Musk gave all Twitter’s remaining employees until Thursday at 5 p.m. to commit to go “extreme hardcore” to work for the company or quit.  This comes after a series of embarrassing pronouncements by Musk, including his command to fire thousands of employees, hundreds of which Musk later attempted to rehire after learning they had vital roles in the company.

Employees who spoke to the media said they left because Twitter had become a toxic workplace since Musk took over.  One commented that Musk’s ultimatum was insulting and childish given that he was giving workers basically 24 hours to decide what’s best for themselves, their families and their careers.

Started working on this article, then thought “Wait didn’t Jack already cover this last week?” and it turns out that no, he didn’t. That’s a different South Dakota Republican state legislature candidate – Joel Koskan in District 26 who was arrested for a horrible sex crime recently. This new rapey guy, Bud Marty May, who lost to his mom, state Rep Liz May, is totally different. He’s in District 27.

Anyway, according to the Argus Falls-Leader, May was arrested early Sunday after a woman told cops he had raped her “in multiple ways” at a bar in Pennington County. Cops asked May if it was consensual, to which he responded “I’m 6-foot-8, it’s all consensual.” May was then arrested and booked on charges of second-degree rape, with a judge setting bond at $7,500.

May came in last place in the 2022 District 27 House election. While it is technically accurate to say he lost to his mom, it is slightly misleading. Each South Dakota state legislative district has two state House seats, and the Mays would have both won seats in the four-way election if Democrat Peri Pourier hadn’t came in first place. Still funny to put in the headline that he lost to her.

The 22-year-old driver who ran into a group of law enforcement recruits and instructors out for a jog in Los Angeles County Wednesday morning, leaving 25 injured including five in critical condition, has been arrested by the LA County sheriff on attempted murder charges, USA Today reports.

Nicholas Joseph Gutierrez was charged with one count of attempted murder of a peace officer, with other charges pending.  The Diamond Bar resident reportedly drove directly into a group of 75 recruits from the LA County Sheriff’s Office and the LAPD and their instructors who were out for a post-sunrise jog at 6:30 a.m.

Officials say 25 recruits sustained injuries that required medical treatment, including broken bones, head trauma and one who reportedly lost a limb.  At least five are in critical condition, with one on a ventilator.

Calling the law “positively dystopian,” a federal judge blocked Republican Florida Governor and politician already struggling under the mantle of inevitability Ron DeSantis’s Stop WOKE Act, which dictated how colleges and universities in the state taught issues relating to race and gender, Politico reports.

Chief Judge Mark Walker of the Northern District of Florida quoted George Orwell’s “1984” in his decision:  “’It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen,’ and the powers in charge of Florida’s public university system have declared the State has unfettered authority to muzzle its professors in the name of ‘freedom.’”

The Stop WOKE Act attempted to stop companies, government agencies and institutes of higher education from teaching lessons or training that would essentially make a white person feel bad, primarily about how their race abused, sold and oppressed various other races because while conservatives will say they don’t care about race, they care enough about it to want to ignore racial injustice.

“I have enjoyed working with three Presidents,” outgoing Speaker of the House and Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi said in the floor speech announcing she was stepping down.  She served as Speaker during the terms of four administrations:  George W. Bush, Barack Obama, Joe Biden and Biden’s predecessor who shall not be named in respect of Pelosi’s shade.

These phony fraudulent witch hunt investigations of Hunter Biden are going to be a joke. First off, he didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not illegal to smoke crack and even if it was, that’s just a process crime. Second, he shouldn’t comply with them even though he has nothing to hide! Why legitimize a rigged partisan investigation by a demented closet homosexual wrestler pretending to be a Congressman? Nope. Just don’t comply, Hunter. These investigations are illegal.

Real accountability is finally coming for the Big Guy. https://t.co/d1q19AnpLf

— Steve Scalise (@SteveScalise) November 17, 2022

The Burisma stuff and the laptop stuff was already debunked by Facebook, Twitter, and the FBI back in 2020. Case closed. End of story and… this is about as far as we could get with trying to write a satirical article written as a mirror image of the kind of cunty hyperbolic MAGA whining you saw over the last four years of House Democrats investigating Trump’s criminality.

Like if we write “the Republicans campaigned on fighting inflation and now all we’re hearing about is fucking Hunter Biden,” it’s not really satire or hyperbole because that’s actually true. They really did campaign on the on fighting inflation and now all we’re hearing about is fucking Hunter Biden. Not even lip service to the economy. It was all Hunter Biden this morning.

Albany, New York-area Antifa libtard Alexander Contompasis was sentenced to 20 years in prison following his conviction on charges of first-degree assault, attempted assault in the first-degree, second-degree assault and felony possession of a weapon in the stabbing of two Proud Boys during a brawl outside of the state Capitol on January 6th, 2021, the Albany Times-Union reports.

The violent radical leftist had claimed he was protecting two Black men from the MAGA fascist street gang members, but the jury didn’t buy it since he had joked on Facebook about stabbing a Proud Boy prior to the incident. While sentencing Contompasis, acting Supreme Court Justice Roger McDonough lamented “loud and noxious minority on both sides of the political spectrum,” as if one liberal stabbing two Proud Boys in Albany is somehow equivalent in scale to thousands of MAGA terrorists carrying a noose and gallows built to publicly hang the Vice President of the United States attacking the Capitol leaving five dead hundreds injured on the same day.