Republican Jimmy Patronis has defeated Dem Gay Vailmont to replace credibly suspected sex trafficker and OAN host Matt Gaetz in Florida’s 1st District, convicted felon President Trump projects.

Scumbag Republican Randy Fine has defeated Dem Josh Weil in the Florida 6th special to replace Mike Waltz, elections geek John Couvillon projects. The only question now is how close Weil ran and how much he overperformed expectations in the Trump +30 district. It’s definitely not Fine +30.

Should he make it another 20 minutes Dem New Jersey Senator Cory Booker will, as of 7:19 PM EDT on Tuesday, have broken the record for longest time speaking in the history of the US Senate.

Responding to Dem Senator Jon Ossoff’s attempts to taunt her into taking him on next year, white nationalist psychopath Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene tells Punchbowl that Ossoff has “been lying to everyone and using my name to fundraise. He must be having a really hard time raising money,” but apparently didn’t actually deny that she might give it a go in the midterms.

Or maybe she did. It’s in the paywalled article but not subscribing to goddamned Punchbowl.

California Senator Adam Schiff tells CBS News he’s going to put a hold on Musk fanboy/MAGA cocksucker Acting DC US Attorney Ed Martin’s nomination to the same post, saying in a statement that “For the past nine weeks, Ed Martin has consistently undermined the independence and abused the power of the US Attorney’s office in DC, openly threatening and intimidating political opponents, dismissing charges against his own clients, firing public servants for their roles in legitimate investigations and using his office as a cudgel to chill dissent and free speech.”

Now Schiff can’t actually block Martin’s ascent to confirmation so much as slow him down severely. The vast majority of Senate confirmations to lower and medium level posts are done by voice vote, meaning that as long as no one Senator objects to anything (not just confirmations but laws too) it’s automatically clears the chamber. This is how that dumb inbred fucker Tommy Tuberville held up all those military promotions in that the Senate could have voted on them one-by-one but it would’ve taken way too much time and given him way too many opportunities to slow them down one-by-one.

Martin cannot be held up indefinitely but it will take quite a while for him to get a vote.

Ketamine-brained billionaire Elon Musk’s drug addiction problem is considerably worse than any observers have estimated as on Tuesday he told resident Fox News “comedian” Greg Gutfeld that he would “be happy to do your show. I actually – I’ve seen pieces of your show. It’s very funny. It’s my style of humor.” Musk also went on about how some libtards putting gum in the handles of Teslas are just as bad as the January 6th rioters, claimed he needed to find the “generals” directing the “terrorism,” and, in response to questions about his proximity to what’s left of federal regulatory agencies, that “I am under such an extreme spotlight, so much scrutiny, that it is literally impossible for me to get away with anything nefarious, obviously nor do I wish to,” as if said scrutiny matters.

A New Jersey federal judge on Tuesday ruled that Columbia grad student Mahmoud Khalil’s case will remain in the Garden State’s US court district, shooting down the Trump regime’s attempts to have it heard where he’s currently detained in Louisiana and thus a more favorable jurisdiction for MAGA.

“REPUBLICANS MUST DEFUND AND TOTALLY DISASSOCIATE THEMSELVES FROM NPR AND PBS, THE RADICAL LEFT ‘MONSTERS’ THAT SO BADLY HURT OUR COUNTRY!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Tuesday, the “MONSTERS” obviously referring to campy queer Grover and neurotic weirdo Telly, the muppets that have hurt the country badly by normalizing their behavior.

Questioning Oliver Stone is on Capitol Hill about John F Kennedy’s assassination – who knows why the hell this is even happening – grandma Congresswoman Lauren Boebert couldn’t even get her Stones right, confusing the director with unhinged traitor Roger Stone, who accused Lyndon B Johnson of ordering Kennedy’s assassination. Oliver merely accused Johnson of covering it up, lol.

Fucking idiot National Security Advisor Mike Waltz used personal Gmail accounts to conduct government business during the two months he’s served in his role, the Washington Post reports.

“The GDPNow model estimate for real GDP growth (seasonally adjusted annual rate) in the first quarter of 2025 is -3.7 percent on April 1, down from -2.8 percent on March 28. The alternative model forecast, which adjusts for imports and exports of gold as described here, is -1.4 percent.”

“After this morning’s construction spending report from the US Census Bureau and incorporation of the available March data into the models’ dynamic factor model, including manufacturing data from Institute for Supply Management and measures of consumer attitudes from two surveys, both the standard model’s and the alternative model’s forecasts of first-quarter real final sales to private domestic purchasers growth declined from 1.5 percent to 0.4 percent,” says the Atlanta Federal Reserve Bank’s GDPnow forecast updated Monday, which is so insanely Venezuelan.

That’s the replacement for “woke” here, since woke’s so damn overdone. Had considered some other options, like “Atlanta Fed’s latest GDP forecast now even more Jewish,” which works on a few levels – especially when we’re talking about the Federal Reserve – but it’s too tricky. “Palestinian” is dicey. “Hamas” isn’t an adjective. “Socialist” is just as played out as woke. “DEI” isn’t bad but there’s something about “Venezuelan” that just clicks intuitively as an antonym for MAGA. The Atlanta Fed is forecasting negative GDP growth, which means they’re against Trump and America First.

Therefore, they’re Venezuelan. They’re not literally Venezuelan, they’re just sort of Venezuelan-like or pro-Venezuelan… Actually “Tren de Araguan” might be even be snappier there, but that could’ve been swinging a little too hard when this was already a base hit. No need to put it in the stands, yet.

After losing a rules vote over Anna Paulina Luna’s revolt against Jesus Dork Speaker Mike Johnson’s opposition to her push to allow new parents to vote by proxy as Luna was joined by eight other Republicans and every Dem, Majority Leader Steve Scalise pulled a pussy-ass bitch move and sent every member home for the rest of the week, CNN’s Manu Raju reports. It’s fucking Tuesday.

“NASA has awarded SpaceX of Starbase, Texas, a modification under the NASA Launch Services (NLS) II contract to add Starship to their existing Falcon 9 and Falcon Heavy launch service offerings. The NLS II contracts provide a broad range of commercial launch services for NASA’s planetary, Earth-observing, exploration, and scientific satellites. These high-priority, low and medium risk tolerant missions have full NASA technical oversight and mission assurance, resulting in the highest probability of launch success,” says a NASA press release from Tuesday, the “award” part doing a lot of heavy lifting to make it look like an open, honest, meritorious process in which other companies came up juuust short of winning however fucking much money this is going to be.

Why can’t Ketamine brain just get it over with and change the name to Weyland-Yutani already?

This is total war. Everyone’s gotta pitch in and do their part in the form of paying higher prices for shit after electing the president who said he was going to bring prices down on day one.

Cops in various jurisdictions in Germany have been wit with a rash of homicide reports turning out to be cases of sex doll littering, as per the UK’s Times at least three such incidents in the past two weeks, with investigators theorizing that because the dolls are so, um, anatomically realistic nowadays and that owners are too embarrassed to risk being seen leaving it on the curb in front of their home with the rest of their garbage that they instead dump them in remote areas, sometimes setting them on fire, which in turn leads to others calling thinking they found a homicide victim.

After a burned “body” was found poking out of a bush by a dog-walker in Rostok, the largest city in Mecklenburg-Vorpommern state, cops spent five hours preparing to examine the scene, deploying drones and all sorts of other forensic equipment before they figured out the victim was a sex doll.

In a statement, the Rostok Police Department said “All police measures were immediately terminated. The undertaker could fortunately be cancelled. The police would like to take this opportunity to ask people to dispose of their rubbish in the appropriate locations.” A spokeswoman laughed it off saying “We can write this off as an exercise. Fortunately we don’t get this every day.”

As for the other incidents, another “body” was found floating in a canal in Hanover in February, a “silicone backside” thought to be a real human body part was found in a field near Bad Kreuznach, and on Monday cops in the western city of Bingen responded to another “body” a beach.

Maybe just don’t buy a sex doll unless you’re REALLY sure you want to keep it forever.

The FAA confirmed Tuesday to CBS News that they’re investigating a fistfight in the air traffic control tower at Ronald Reagan DC National Airport last week, the same place where fat fucking idiot convicted felon President Trump claimed that “DEI” caused a deadly collision between an Army Blackhawk helicopter and an American Airlines jet that left 67 people dead in January.

Metropolitan Washington Airports Authority Police cops say they were called to the DCA tower on Thursday over the fight between staff, arresting 39 year-old controller Damon Gaines of Upper Marlboro, Maryland. Gaines faces charges of assault and battery. It’s not clear if he’s a “DEI hire.”

Joining just as Krazy Kommunicator Karoline claims that Kilmar Armando Abrego Garcia was a member of MS-13 and is not explaining what evidence she saw confirming that point.

Describing convicted felon President Trump’s “Liberation Day” tariff launch on Wednesday as leading to a moment where the economic backlash to it “may well liberate Lutnick from his role in the administration,” Politico reports that no fewer than six sources are eager for weasely Commerce Secretary Coward Nutlick (teehehehehe) to be fired over policy decisions that are actually Trump’s.

“I think people would take special pleasure in blaming him,” one source said, not even aware they’re perpetuating the “he cannot fail, he can only be failed” mentality so central to Trump’s power.

The person continued saying Lutnick is constantly in the Oval Office, giving Trump “bad advice, pushing more aggressive tariffs.” Another source said Lutnick’s “a new voice at the table pushing crazy shit. I don’t know anyone that isn’t pissed off at him.” This is all so fucking stupid, lol.

“Today, Attorney General Pamela Bondi released the following statement: ‘Luigi Mangione’s murder of Brian Thompson – an innocent man and father of two young children – was a premeditated, cold-blooded assassination that shocked America. After careful consideration, I have directed federal prosecutors to seek the death penalty in this case as we carry out President Trump’s agenda to stop violent crime and Make America Safe Again,'” says a Justice Department press release.

“As alleged, Luigi Mangione stalked and murdered UnitedHealthcare executive Brian Thompson on December 4th, 2024. The murder was an act of political violence. Mangione’s actions involved substantial planning and premeditation and because the murder took place in public with bystanders nearby, may have posed grave risk of death to additional persons. Following federal murder charges handed down on December 19th, 2024, Attorney General Bondi has now directed Acting US Attorney Matthew Podolsky to seek the death penalty in this case. This is in line with Attorney General Bondi’s Day One Memo as Attorney General entitled Reviving The Federal Death Penalty And Lifting The Moratorium On Federal Executions,” the press release continued.

Hmmmm… Prooooobably not the politically smartest move, putting a folk hero’s life on the line.

House Judiciary Committee Chair Jim Jordan’s working on a power counter as he grapples under the robes of dominating jurists who could pin him down and leave the administration helpless to the ravages of injunctions thrusting deep into their inner workings: The judicial overreach-around, a reversal with an extremely tight grip on the tip of the – something something need more graphic homoerotic allusions to courts and wrestling to fill out the rest of this introduction.

On deck as witnesses are slimy amphibian Newt Gingrich, Heritage foundation Nazi dickhead Paul Larkin, and “Cindy Romero, Victim of criminal activity perpetrated by terrorist organization Tren de Aragua in Aurora, Colorado.” It’s not clear why there isn’t a minority witness.

In other live feeds here’s the House GOP leadership press conference:

And in the House Foreign Affairs Committee’s moronic “Censorship-Industrial Complex” hearing, Ranking Dem Sydney Kalmacher-Dove’s already called complete fucking douchebag witness Matt Taibbi a “serial sexual harasser” in her opening statement, lol: