Staring at a possible dead end for the “Alien Enemies Act” shitshow, convicted felon President Trump’s minions are now looking into whether they can label suspected cartel and gangbangers as “enemy combatants,” CNN reports on the next way of justifying extrajudicial detentions, deportations, and probably application of lethal force if we’re being honest with each other here.

“Lawyers and policy folks like me said that it was nuts and that they’d never meet the legal definition, and if we started treating migrants like terrorists it wouldn’t just be a slippery slope – it would be a fucking mudslide into illegality and police state behavior,” said a former Trump official who served at Homeland Security during the fat fuck’s first failed administration.

Chilean officials on Friday ordered a mass evacuation of the country’s remote southern coast after a shallow 7.4-magnitude earthquake struck the sea floor far offshore in the Strait of Magellan, threatening a tsunami, Reuters reports. “We’re calling to evacuate the coast in the whole region of Magallanes,” President Gabriel Boric tweeted, adding that the country’s resources would be made available to deal with any impact. Chilean outposts on the Antarctic Peninsula were also evacuated and damn that would fucking suck to have to deal with as winter approaches in the southern hemisphere. NOAA forecasts that any resultant tsunami should be limited to 0.3 to 1 meters in Antarctica and 1 to 3 meters were expected in Chile, but nobody’s really going to know until it hits.

God has forsaken thee, America. You failed to repent and this is what happens: Kotaku reports the most-anticipated new game of the decade, Grand Theft Auto VI is not hitting stores this October as expected but in May 2026, over a full year from now. The millennials nostalgic for the mass shooting simulator will have to continue to be happy with Grand Theft Auto V, released back in 2013.

Oh and it’ll be more expensive to play it if you don’t already own an Xbox Series X/S or a Playstation 5 since Trump’s tariffs have prompted permanent price increases for such hardware.

Yeah, most of you NZ readers don’t care, but for a certain generation the series is a cultural landmark, having introduced us to “Young Turks” by Rod Stewart and the joys of strapping C4 to a stolen truck and lifting it up with a military helicopter to crash it into other players in a fictionalized version of Downtown Los Angeles. It’s worth asking that if Grand Theft Auto III hit stores in 2001, Vice City in 2002, San Andreas in 2004, IV in 2008, IV‘s large expansions The Lost and Damned and The Ballad of Gay Tony in 2009, and V in 2013 then what the fuck was taking Grand Theft Auto VI so long? This certain generation doesn’t really ask, being long conditioned to disappointments.

“Gasoline just broke $1.98 a Gallon, lowest in years, groceries (and eggs!) down, energy down, mortgage rates down, employment strong, and much more good news, as Billions of Dollars pour in from Tariffs. Just like I said, and we’re only in a TRANSITION STAGE, just getting started!!!”

“Consumers have been waiting for years to see pricing come down. NO INFLATION, THE FED SHOULD LOWER ITS RATE!!!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Friday and, apologies for oversaturating the newsfeed with the insane shit the fat bastard’s been writing from the toilet, but it’s important to stay focused on this as he plummets further down this ever-bottomless chasm of insanity he’s been dragging the entire nation down for now almost a decade at this point.

Gas is still $3.18 a gallon on average nationally, eggs still retail for $6.23 a dozen as of March, the 30-year fixed mortgage rate remains above 6.5 percent, there are no actual figures yet to support the claim of “Billions of Dollars pouring in from Tariffs,” which are going to be paid by American consumers, and yeah Trump’s just going to keep making shit up like this as things get worse.

A 12 year-old tabby named Mirage is lucky to be deprived of her fucking idiot owners after the two of them either stupidly walked off a cliff in Utah’s Bryce Canyon National Park in darkness or intentionally jumped while holding her in a carrier late Monday or early Tuesday, CBS reports.

Matthew Nannen, 45, and Bailee Crane, 58, had been itinerants driving around the country in a U-Haul until they met the business end of a 380 ft high ledge in the park and, while it would seem like they were taking Mirage with them as they ended it all together, it’s entirely possible they could’ve just been drunk or high or something too. The reporting is kind of scant on details that could indicate one or the other, as in whether they were also carrying camping gear and what not and it was simple misadventure. Either way, Mirage – who veterinarians say appears to be in good shape despite the ordeal but they want to conduct further tests to see if she suffered any rib damage – is in need of a new home and can be adopted from the Best Friends Animal Society in Kanab, Utah.

Something big is coming. Stay tuned 👀 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸 pic.twitter.com/wVr6foNWoW

— Scott Jennings (@ScottJenningsKY) May 2, 2025

Supreme CNN douche Scott Jennings, whose hit catalog includes downplaying Elon Musk’s Nazi salute and then refusing to do the same on air when immediately challenged by columnist Catherine Rampell and weakly asserting there “may be some elasticity in the American people” after convicted felon President Trump admitted he was full of shit about lowering grocery prices, on Friday posted something that apparently only makes sense in the context of the dipshit openly teasing a run for the Kentucky Senate seat soon to be vacated by the rapidly dying Mitch McConnell.

“We are going to be taking away Harvard’s Tax Exempt Status. It’s what they deserve!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Friday morning, either starting a fight he’s about to lose or opening up Pandora’s Box for a future Dem administration to do the same to Liberty University, the Heritage Foundation, the Federalist Society, a whole shit ton of MAGAchurches, and so on.

On Saturday the roughly 200 residents of an unincorporated area of Boca Chica Village, Texas will vote in a pretty much stacked referendum as most of them are SpaceX employees, over whether to incorporate as Starbase, Texas, giving the drug-addicted billionaire overlord status on a municipal government and then who knows what the hell will happen after that, Politico reports.

UPDATE: In an attempt to avoid any criticism that our new joint @InsiderPolling/@trafalgar_group @realDonaldTrump Job Approval Poll did not reflect the public attitude after yesterday‘s economic news, we are delaying the release by one day.

By doing this, we can ensure that…

— Robert C. Cahaly (@RobertCahaly) May 2, 2025

“Many of our allies and friends are celebrating May 8th as Victory Day, but we did more than any other Country, by far, in producing a victorious result on World War II. I am hereby renaming May 8th as Victory Day for World War II and November 11th as Victory Day for World War I. We won both Wars, nobody was close to us in terms of strength, bravery, or military brilliance, but we never celebrate anything — That’s because we don’t have leaders anymore, that know how to do so! We are going to start celebrating our victories again!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Thursday night after breaking down mentally during a graduation speech at the University of Alabama.

And, uh, yeah pretty much everything he wrote here was bullshit. In the first World War the US put Britain and France over the top with the late add. The war ended sooner. In the second, the Soviets gained the initiative in the east by early 1943, largely independent of the pressure exerted by the Allies in the Mediterranean. The Allies and the Soviets together dramatically shortened the war and it’s not impossible Germany could have prevailed if either of its opponents had collapsed early. For Trump to ignorantly and unilaterally claim and deny credit to the European Allies, all of whom suffered grave civilian casualties and bombing campaigns is pretty on-brand for the fat fuck.

“China’s State Council Information Office on Wednesday issued a white paper titled ‘Covid-19 Prevention, Control and Origins Tracing: China’s Actions and Stance.’ Apart from preface and conclusion, the document contains three chapters: ‘Contributing Chinese Wisdom to the Study of the Origins of SARS-CoV-2,’ ‘China’s Contribution to the Global Fight Against Covid-19,’ and ‘The Mismanaged Response of the US to the Covid-19 Pandemic,'” and blah blah blah, ChiCom state media reports on their own bullshit “white paper” that DeepSeek probably “wrote” in two minutes.

“The white paper points out that ‘WHO-convened Global Study of Origins of SARS-CoV-2: China Part-Joint WHO-China Study,’ as well as other studies, conducted systematic epidemiological investigations, molecular tracing, animal reservoir screening, and studies on cold-chain pathways, ruled out the possibility of Wuhan being the natural origin of SARS-CoV-2, and concluded that a Wuhan lab leak is extremely unlikely. These efforts have provided the global scientific community with critical empirical evidence and established a research paradigm for future studies… As pointed out in the white paper, the US government, instead of facing squarely its failure in response to Covid and reflecting on its shortcomings, has tried to shift the blame and divert people’s attention by shamelessly politicizing SARS-CoV-2 origins tracing. It has severely undermined joint international efforts against the pandemic and become a weak link in global public health governance.”

“Substantial evidence suggested the Covid-19 might have emerged in the United States earlier than its officially-claimed timeline, and earlier than the outbreak in China. A thorough and in-depth investigation into the origins of the virus should be conducted in the United States. The United States should respond to the reasonable concern of the international community, and give a responsible answer to the world,” the article says and lol that’s some pretty goddamn funny trolling.

Sometimes you have to separate the art from the artist, especially when the target is fat Donald.

The United Nations’ top court on Thursday ordered Venezuela’s Maduro regime to cease holding a fake election for a number of fake offices for a province that doesn’t exist because it’s within the borders of neighboring Guyana and none of this bullshit would legitimize their claim, the AP reports.

“Once again, Guyana’s position has prevailed,” Guyana President Irfaan Ali said of the UN’s order for Venezuela to halt the planned May 25th election in the non-existent Essequibo province, encompassing two-thirds of Guyanese territory. While obviously being a Venezuelan election it would be rigged but it also feels like that would imply that at least some people would be casting ballots, which in turn would require the Maduro regime to have access to Guyanese voter rolls to make the election at least appear legitimate by filling out their ballots and… The AP’s article didn’t explain any of the nuts and bolts of what the plan is, but it’ll be interesting to see what happens when they ignore the UN ruling and hold the fake election anyway later this month.

A registered Republican Florida voter was arrested at the entrance of Disney World’s Magic Kingdom in March after getting caught with his wallet full of magic nose candy at the front entrance, People Magazine reported Thursday. Dustin Lee Miller, 44, was asked by security to open his wallet after setting off the metal detector on March 29th and, per an arrest affidavit, appeared to get nervous and fumbled with his bulky wallet, upon which a baggie of cocaine fell out. Miller was then ordered to leave the premises and was later arrested by Orange County Sheriff’s Office somewhere nearby.

What a fucking traitor to America First. This beta needs his MAGA card revoked for this horrible embarrassment of getting caught willingly paying to enter the global source of the woke mind virus.

White House warns China-made dolls have lead paint — after Trump says tariffs may mean fewer toys https://t.co/03OK14BhTG pic.twitter.com/unjP80lo8E

— New York Post (@nypost) May 1, 2025

Asked this morning by a reporter to comment on convicted felon President Trump’s Wednesday rant about American children having to with fewer toys after tariffs, white nationalist shitbag Stephen Miller said “If they had a choice between a doll from China that might have, say, lead paint in it, that is not as well constructed as a doll made in America, that has a higher environmental and regulatory standard and that is made to a higher degree of quality — and those two products [are] both on Amazon, then yes, you probably would be willing to pay more for a better-made American product.”

Which would mean that the “higher environmental and regulatory standard” does not apply to the vast majority of toys sold to children now currently and did not at any time during the first Trump Administration if we’re to take Miller at his word here. So the Barbie dolls and Paw Patrol action figures your kids play with now have hazardous chemicals in them and the president’s minions just let you buy them every day. That’s basically what Miller said to the American people, right?

Three of convicted felon President Trump’s sycophants tell Rolling Stone they’re stocking up on toilet paper, certain types of food, and other supplies ahead of the shortages their boss will create.

“In the corridors of power within Trump’s own administration, there is a growing belief that the Chinese government indeed has the upper hand in this stage of the trade standoff, and that Trump is strategically flailing and looking for easy wins that don’t actually exist, multiple sources with knowledge of the matter attest. Many in the GOP’s upper echelons are keeping their fingers crossed that the president will find some outs and declare imaginary victory before his economic war inflicts too much damage on the average American voter,” writes the magazine about the situation.

Reacting to the surprise announcement from convicted felon President Trump that, rather than firing idiot National Security Advisor Mike Waltz, he would instead be nominating him to serve as UN Ambassador, a House Republican asked Politico’s Meredith Lee Hill rhetorically “Are we sure the confirmation hearing isn’t more punishment?” given that Waltz will have to sit and face questions about the Signal shitshow from Dems on the Senate Foreign Affairs committee.

The April 24 Oklahoma ICE operation was a lawful, court-authorized action explicitly targeting a property, that was a hub for human smuggling, not specific individuals, as falsely suggested by media reports.

The day prior to the search warrant issuance and the day of the search…

— Homeland Security (@DHSgov) May 1, 2025

Bonus: Toward the bottom of this overly defensive and insecure reply the asshole who wrote it mentions that it was a “court-authorized search” like they’ll happily tout a judge’s authority when it serves their purposes but when it’s the other way around it’s “fuck you courts.”

Deranged two-time election loser Kari Lake is among the names being floated by convicted felon President Trump’s minions to replace vicious monster MAGA Congresswoman Elise Stefanik as the nominee to UN Ambassador, CBS’s Jen Jacobs reports, adding that it’s unclear why since Lake is supposed to be dismantling the Voice of America News network from within.

A new survey of Georgia voters by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution finds shitbag Governor Brian Kemp leading incumbent Dem Senator Jon Ossoff 49 to 46 percent in a hypothetical matchup.

Kemp, who is said to be announcing his intent on whether or not to run soon, is the only potential challenger with a lead over Ossoff in the poll, as the Dem leads Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger 48 to 39 percent, some scrub named John King 51 to 38 percent, and white nationalist tantric sex freak Marjorie Taylor Greene by a pretty commanding 54 to 37 percent.

So yeah, Kemp is formidable now, but it’s only a 3 point lead and the fact that he hasn’t declared yet could suggest he’s unwilling to stick his head up with an imminent MAGA recession that’ll be in full effect next year. There’s also the gauntlet that an open primary could bring should Greene enter. It’s extremely hard to imagine convicted felon President Trump endorsing a frenemy like Kemp over one of his most loyal attack dogs and even without that problem there’s almost no window to kill the open primary system before next May to prevent Dem voters from sandbagging the QAdulteress into the nomination they way they saved Brad Raffensperger’s ass in 2022. Still for the moment it’s plain that Kemp would present an extremely tough challenge to Ossoff in a year when Dems need to be putting on a perfect offense to make any progress whatsoever in retaking the Senate. Even in a serious recession it’d be a drain on DSCC resources that need be put to work elsewhere.