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Fat former President Trump on Tuesday told some Newsmax dipshit he was the one who ended Roe v Wade which, unlike a lot of shit the fat bastard says, is actually technically true as even though he didn’t personally overturn it he may as well have via his Supreme Court nominations.

We were to understand that the new “more disciplined”-ish Trump was going to run away from abortion issues whenever and however he could since he himself just last year was reportedly worried about it hurting his chances in 2024 and correctly (in part) blamed it for the GOP’s weak 2022. So we’ve got no problem with him owning that “accomplishment” as much as he wants to.

Endorsed by Donald Trump, Daniel Cameron, the first African-American Attorney General in Kentucky history, won the GOP nomination to be the state’s governor in one of a number of elections oddly scheduled for the middle of May.  The New York Times reports Cameron beat the three-contender field, with the Ron DeSantis-back Kelly Craft currently sits in third place with 61% of precincts reporting.  Cameron will face incumbent Democrat Andy Beshear in November.

“If you’re MAGA and your neighbors don’t agree with you, get new neighbors,” elitist shirt hoarder Steve Bannon orders, apparently unaware that people who don’t hang out with criminal Chinese billionaires can’t just up and move at will.  “Whaddaya mean?  You’re gonna have a barbeque and ya got, let me hear about puttin’ little boys in dresses.  Let me hear about groomin’ the kids.  Let me hear about the invasion at the southern border.  Let me hear about destroying the US dollar.  Hey, how ’bout this.  Here’s what ya do.  Say, ‘Hey, suck on this.  I’m MAGA and you’re not and we’re winning.'”

Bannon’s the guy who always wants an argument at the neighborhood picnic.  He’s the guy whose lawn all the dogs crap on.  He gives out oranges on Halloween.  In other words, he’s a crappy neighbor.  What Bannon thinks MAGA won–besides a pardon for himself after scamming people out of hundreds of thousands of dollars–isn’t mentioned given MAGA lost two popular votes, a presidential election, control of the House and Senate, and Bannon’s last measure of credibility.

Over the years, the MAGA Cinematic Universe has done incredible work to create a deeply memorable roster of supervillains. Everyone with even a casual interest in MAGA action tales knows about Adam Schiff, Nancy Pelosi, Robert Mueller, Hunter Biden, Hillary Clinton and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez – just to name a few. But the MCU is also jam-packed with interesting, quirky, oddball or just downright lame villains that many people have never heard of before.

It takes a MAGA Cinematic Universe trivia master to be able to explain the significance of these members of fat former President Trump’s Rogue’s Gallery. Without googling them, can you remember why these individuals were important to MAGA conspiracy fanboys circa 2016 to 2020?

1. Imran Awan
2. Alexandra Chalupa
3. Valeriy Chaly
4. Nellie Ohr
5. Sue Gordon
6. Glenn Simpson
7. Nancy Messonnier
8. Sean Misko
9. Dmitri Alperovitch
10. Stephen Laycock

NOTE: Most of this article originally appeared on National Zero on December 20th, 2020. We’re not very big on recycling content, but this week’s release of the Durham Report makes for a special commemorative occasion to relive old memories of utterly banal and stupid Trump-era fandom.

“It is with a heavy weight on my heart that I have filed for divorce from my husband. I am grateful for our years of marriage together and for our beautiful children, all of whom deserve privacy and love as we work through this process,” the congresswoman said in  a written statement. “I’ve always been faithful in my marriage, and I believe strongly in marriage, which makes this announcement that much more difficult,” says Republican Colorado Congresswoman and 36-year-old granny Lauren Boebert, according to the Colorado Sun.  “This is truly about irreconcilable differences. I do not intend to discuss this matter any further in public out of respect for our children, and will continue to work hard to represent the people of Colorado’s 3rd Congressional District.”

President Biden’s tour of Asia will be shorter than planned because he has to deal with terrorists planning to blow up the global economy if their demands aren’t met, NBC News reports.

Sorry Papua New Guinea. It’s not you. Joe was really excited to become the first president ever to visit your nation. You can thank Republicans for fucking this up for you.

Dem California Congressman Robert Garcia will soon introduce a resolution to expel his lying piece of shit Republican colleague George Santos, Punchbowl’s Jake Sherman reports.

Mesa County, Colorado court records indicate that 36 year-old grandma idiot Congresswoman Lauren Boebert and her dick-wagging husband Jayson have a hearing scheduled for May 31st in case number D392023DR30076, which you can see by searching the Colorado Judicial Branch’s website under last name “Boebert” and putting “1 month” in the “Date Range” field.

The “DR” code is key as the CJB’s website says the “Domestic Relations Division of the Family Court deals with cases involving Dissolution of Marriage (divorce), Dissolution of a Civil Union, Legal Separation, Invalidity of Marriage, Allocation of Parental Rights. This type of case has ‘DR’ in its case number (for example 2015DR001), which stands for ‘Domestic Relations’ Litigants are strongly encouraged to consult a lawyer before filing any type of family case,” a very strong indication that Boebert is following in the hoofsteps of her frenemy fellow white nationalist QAnon Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene in seeing her marriage fall apart under constant media attention as they unceasingly seek fucking obnoxious new ways to gain constant media attention.

Grooming Gone Wild: a 12-year-old Texas boy and his 20-year-old companion were arrested after the boy shot a Sonic Drive-In employee who had tried to end a disturbance his friend was causing in the restaurant’s parking lot in Keene, the Dallas Morning News reports.

In a state where Republican leadership promotes the idea of using guns as the first option to solve even the most minor of problems, the boy retrieved an assault weapon from Angel Gomez’s car and shoy 32-year-old Sonic employee Matthew Davis multiple times after Gomez engaged Davis in a fistfight.   Gomez and boy fled the scene, but Gomez returned during the subsequent investigation and was arrested.  The unnamed boy was later arrested in nearby Rio Vista.

Monday’s release of the long-awaited Durham Report landed on the Democrat media establishment like an asteroid with hundreds of nuclear bombs attached to it flying at the speed of light, totally and utterly annihilating them forever as it almost certainly basically just got Trump reelected. Tens of millions of Americans will read it in its entirety, with page after page of absolute atrocities committed by the FBI and Hillary Clinton before, during, and after the 2016 election.

It’s just so devastating for Democrats, it’s hard where to even know where to begin with how good this is for President Trump in the upcoming election. Suburban soccer moms in key swing counties are probably already using a highlighter to single out all the damaging evidence of crimes committed by Hillary and Obama and then sharing those on the Facebook mom groups. Go visit a Target or Walmart today and you’ll see dozens of them in the aisles with tears in their eyes, trading notes and asking each other how Peter Strzok and Andrew McCabe could have gotten away with all the horrible things they did to the president. Might as well just declare Trump the winner now and save the effort of 18 months of 2024 election coverage on TV and the internet.

Democrats are going to wish the report was delayed until after the election because they are so fucked with swing voters. The 2016 election and the Durham Report will absolutely be the number one issue in the 2024 election and it’s a winning one for Republicans. Who can honestly look at Durham’s chilling description of how the FBI made up the phony Steele Dossier and still vote for a Democrat after that? That witch hunt was pure treason and no made-up BS about guns or abortion is going to stop the American people from standing up and avenging this horrific crime against them.

National Zero will resume our regular news coverage now that we’ve exposed the coming political devastation wrought by the Durham Report. We hope our MAGA readers enjoyed this analysis.

Faced with arrest for driving while intoxicated while being pulled over for speeding on Saturday, a resourceful Colorado man used his wits to quickly come up with a strategy to avoid getting cuffed: Putting his dog in the driver’s seat and sitting on the passenger side to make it appear as if the dog was the one driving, CBS News reports, citing a Springfield Colorado police department statement.

The unidentified man quickly lost his nerve however when the cop did not ask the dog for his or her license and registration but instead asked the man if he had been drinking. Faced with this unexpected twist, the man then hastily executed his backup plan: Run away. Unfortunately for him this also failed and he was quickly apprehended roughly 60 yards away. The man, who determined to also have two open arrest warrants in nearby Pueblo, was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs, driving while ability impaired, driving under suspension, speeding 20-24 over, and resisting arrest. The dog was placed in the care of an acquaintance of the man.

“In your knowledge, ma’am, is there any other municipality in these United States that has access to our seat of government as the citizens of Washington, DC?” Louisiana Republican Clay Higgins asks of Washington, DC mayor Muriel Bowser, who responded, “Actually they all have more access because they have voting members of Congress,” a response that elicited applause from the audience.

Higgins also claimed that DC residents can walk into a restaurant and find 100 Senators having dinner, giving them access to the entire Senate no one else in the country has.  Bowser responded, “Senator, I’ve already explained.  I was born and raised here.  I’ve spent most of my life here. … I’ve never been to an event where I happened to bump into 100 senators.”

Former top Fox News white nationalist host Tucker Carlson was in fact fired as a condition of the propaganda network’s settlement agreement with Dominion Voting Systems, Variety reports, saying a member of the board of directors informed Tucker of the “verbal agreement” with Dominion to do so during a call on April 26th, two days after he was unceremoniously canned.

Variety’s report does a great job nailing down the how and why Dominion got Tuck’s head to roll despite him (amazingly) actually being among the least of Fox News’s offenders as far as propagating conspiracies about the election tech company goes: Even with the abrupt settlement, Dominion has until the end of this month to call it off and take their case back to trial. They wanted real blood to be spilled on top of the $787 million settlement, and Tucker was their trophy.

“That condition was intended to hurt Fox, and Tucker is just collateral damage. Dominion wanted to punish Fox, and it’s working,” a source told Variety. So maybe, just maybe, all the libs who were profoundly disappointed by Dominion settling should feel more like this was a real win.

The core MAGA voter base of whites without a four-year college degree continued to erode as a share of both eligible and actual voters in 2022, according to an analysis of turnout data from the midterms shared with CNN by University of Florida election data egghead Michael McDonald.

“This is a trend that is baked into the demographic change of the country, so [it] is likely going to accelerate over the next ten years,” said McDonald. Dem-aligned election egghead Tom Bonier, who nailed a lot about 2022, says the trend “has to be a huge cause for concern for Republicans at this point,” and that “it is not unreasonable to expect” an even “steeper decline” next year.

But yeah, let’s hear more about schools providing kitty litter boxes for students who identify as cats, how Biden supposedly knew that the FBI was going to raid Mar-a-Lago beforehand, rainbow fentanyl in Halloween candy, the government’s illegal suppression of information about the healing power of ivermectin, and Bud Light’s crusade against traditional American masculinity. Highlighting those issues will definitely help Republicans reverse this damning demographic trend.

In a report mostly about diminutive Disney villain Ron DeSantis’s 2024 campaign struggles in the Cornhole State, Axios mentions that three Iowa Republican figures say their names were added to a list of Trump endorsements without them actually having endorsed the fat former autocrat yet.

“I lean Trump, but I 100% believe that DeSantis is the future of the party for 2028,” former GOP Congressional candidate Gary Leffler told Axios, adding that a reporter spotting his name on the list and asking about it was the first he had heard about the “endorsement.” Laura Carlson, vice president of the Iowa Federation of Republican Women and founder of the club Republican Women of Central Iowa, says her name was added without her knowledge too, and wonders how many other of the other 150 or so “endorsers” actually affirmed their support. A third didn’t want to be identified to Axios for fear of reprisal from the MAGA Reich, but said the same thing.

A new Reuters/Ipsos survey finds President Biden leading fat former President Trump 44 to 38 percent in a 2024 rematch, an improvement over a February survey that put Trump up by 3.

The survey also found 63 percent of respondents overall – and 73 percent of independents – saying they were less likely to support a 2024 presidential candidate who pushes severe restrictions on abortion. Another with 67 percent of registered voters said they were more likely to back a candidate who backed stricter gun laws. The twice-impeached loser leads heels-wearing Governor Ron DeSantis 49 to 21 percent among GOP voters, with Mike Pence at 5 percent.

https://twitter.com/NvrBackDown24/status/1656470948336353284

An ally of heels-wearing Florida Governor Ron DeSantis tells Semafor this tweet from the “Never Back Down” pro-DeSantis PAC “sounded like it came from CNN, and I think people inside realized that that was a massive mistake, and I hope it won’t be repeated again.” Never back down, indeed.

“Unless Kevin McCarthy is going to mount the rostrum tomorrow at sunrise and call a vote to defund the FBI, this is 300 pages of toilet paper. Seven years in the milling,” – The current top comment on the PowerLine Blog article “Durham Report Rips FBI,” posted Monday night.

“The Mummy walks!! We’d almost forgotten about the glacial Mr. Durham, but those who predicted a snooze fest instead of a bombshell report appear to have been correct. The only, very minor “plus” is that it confirms what anyone not afflicted with either the Evening News or full-blown TDS has known all along, that the Russia-Russia Collusion hoax was exactly that, a baseless hyper-partisan hoax or, dare we say, ‘witch hunt’ invented by Hillbag” – Top comment on the PJ Media article. It actually goes on for a lot longer than that, but we had to cut it down for pacing reasons.

“300 pages.. and it TOOK SEVEN YEARS?” – The top comment on the Breitbart article.

“Over 750 people went to jail, due to the Mueller investigation, for crimes that had nothing to do with the investigation, and for crimes that were imposed by the investigation. Lives and families were permanently destroyed. Nobody will be held accountable for those crimes and the crimes found in the Durham investigation” – Very tiny violin-y top comment on the Daily Wire’s article.

“4 years and the guy tells us what we’ve all known all along Thought he was supposed to be the guy to get something done. Besides make a lot of money, of course. These people are a joke” – The current top comment on the Gateway Pundit’s article. Lots of upvotes on that one.

An 18-year-old walking down the street in Farmington, New Mexico, firing indiscriminately, killed three people and wounded a half dozen others before he himself was shot and killed by responding police officers, the New York Times reports.

There have been more than 210 mass shootings in the US so far this year, and May 5th is just the 135th day of the year.