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Deutsche Bank shares plummet

The financial beat mostly sucks because it’s covered by jerkoffs who attach outsized importance to often dry and inscrutable topics. Yes, things like bank runs, inflation, and layoffs are important and have political implications. The rest of it is a tedious circlejerk and the reason why we have assholes like Elon Musk, Sam Bankman-Fried, Elizabeth Holmes, Mark Zuckerberg, and others acting like they’re living gods. The fawning coverage creates these self-sustaining cults of personality around such insufferable dicks. Then there’s stocks. Fuck stocks. Maybe if the financial media wouldn’t fill space with minute changes in the price of this or that stock then shareholders wouldn’t be always up companies’ asses to cut costs and give us clusterfucks like the East Palestine train derailment, the Southwest Airlines shitshow from a few months ago, this huge wave of tech layoffs and let’s just end this rant here and get to the actual point of this article as promised in the headline.

Because sometimes there’s a financial story we’re delighted to report, like this one about corrupt money laundering house Deutsche Bank taking a serious beating in its stock price via the AP. Shares fell 8.5% on Friday because of the rising cost of insurance for all the scams they pull. We’re eagerly looking forward to reporting more pain and suffering for them on Monday.

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