Speaker Kevin McCarthy and NRCC Chair Congressman Richard Hudson wowed donors in Florida last weekend with a presentation on why they should shell out more money for the House GOP and an innovative “It wasn’t our fault we just barely won the House in 2022” pitch, blaming shitty MAGA candidates for Senate and governor for the meager gain in seats last year, Axios reports.

They had some numbers to back it up, such as how a number of House GOP hopefuls outperformed mentally ill MAGA freaks like 2022 gubernatorial losers Doug Mastriano in Pennsylvania and Tudor Dixon in Michigan because “candidate quality” and blah blah blah. What the didn’t do was mention that the House GOP’s 2022 recruit lineup had plenty of “candidate quality” issues on its own with fucking basket cases like JR Majewski in Ohio, John Gibbs in Michigan, Joe Kent in Washington, and probably at least a dozen others who threw away winnable races just by being themselves.

That Kevin McCarthy’s a slick dude, leaving that part out of it while razzle-dazzling the donors with all the higher profile GOP failures to keep the heat off of his caucus. Seriously savvy, that guy.

It's finally Friday! We are less than one week from #CPAC DC! Get your tickets now at https://t.co/iTFGSTNYyK pic.twitter.com/V57ijQrbYs

— CPAC (@CPAC) February 24, 2023

Hey conservatives! Do you want to hang out with like-minded folks to talk about stuff like tax cuts and deregulation? Peruse convention tables loaded with books about a positive GOP vision applied to foreign policy? Participate in breakout sessions on faith-based leadership principles?

No? You want all sorts of stupid bullshit like the fat former President hugging a flag, some male former hairdresser D-list influencer crying in a fake jail cell over being prosecuted for the Capitol riot, a dance number by a fake investigative journalist, or speeches by an Eastern European dictator, a New Age Hindu death cult fifth columnist who isn’t actually Republican, or the asshole who still thinks Comet Ping Pong has a basement? Great! Come on down to CPAC! Bring condoms.

A Republican Florida state senator on Thursday suggested that officials consider limiting the use of electric vehicles during hurricane evacuations until more charging stations are set up along major highways so the EVs don’t run out of battery and block traffic, CBS Miami reports.

“With a couple of guys behind you, you can’t get out of the car and push it to the side of the road. Traffic backs up. And what might look like a two-hour trip, might turn into an eight-hour trip once you’re on the road,” said state Senator Jonathan Martin on Thursday during a Florida Senate Select Committee on Resiliency hearing on charging stations. “My concern is there’s not an infrastructure currently available in the state of Florida for the amount of EVs that might be used to evacuate, on evacuation routes, during a time of emergency,” Martin added, apparently comfortable with leaving electric vehicle drivers in the paths of deadly hurricanes.

“As Members of Congress from the New York State Congressional delegation, we urge you to select New York City as the host for the 2024 Democratic National Convention. In New York, the Biden-Harris Administration can proudly celebrate victories from the first term and send a strong message that you will continue to fight for the Democratic principles that strengthen our nation,” says a letter to Biden signed by Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, House Dem leader Hakeem Jeffries, Senator Kristen Gillibrand, Congressman Jerry Nadler, Congresswoman AOC, and the rest, looking for Gotham to land its first presidential nominating convention since the 2004 RNC.

It’s not clear why local Dems would make a play for NYC when Atlanta is reportedly the leading contender. With the Republicans having their convention in Milwaukee, it would make more sense for Dems to counter with another battleground rather than hold it in a safely Blue State. That said, it would be pretty fucking nice if National Zero’s NYC bureau chief could hit the bricks and take a few distant photos of Dem personalities from outside the Javits Center or wherever it would be held.

Police in Berea, Ohio responded last week to a call at the Subway location on West Bagley Road after a woman wearing an Arby’s hat became irate and began issuing threats over having to wait for a worker to sell her a cookie while he was busy serving another customer, Cleveland.com reports.

While there’s currently no indication the incident was anything more than the work of a Pro-Arby’s “lone wolf,” rather than one sanctioned by leadership of a rival fast-food chain, before the woman had ominously warned she would return with her “dudes,” possibly referring to a squad of muscular, roast-beefy Arby’s employees prone to violence and destruction of property. Which would mean all-out war between Arby’s and Subway. More troubling is that the woman continued issuing threats over the phone for several days after her disruption. Police told workers to call if she returned.

Sources close to Georgia Governor Brian Kemp told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution on Friday that the barn door closing bill to criminalize the kind of tame disclosures Fulton County Trump coup attempt special grand jury forewoman Emily Kohrs made on her Tuesday media tour is dead in the water because its sponsor, MAGA state Senator Brandon Beach, is dead to them politically after he backed loser former US Senator David “Chickenshit” Perdue’s failed 2022 primary bid against Kemp.

“Brandon Beach can’t pass gas this session,” said one Kemp ally. “He couldn’t pass a kidney stone this session,” said another, which we guess should also mean that the bill wouldn’t pass had it originated from a Kemp-loyal state lawmaker and not just because they hate Beach. Should mean it.

For those keeping score at home, not only is this Brandon Beach asshole’s already meaningless bill going nowhere because he burned too many bridges, and not only was introducing it a crybaby reaction to the libs celebrating the strong possibility Trump was recommended for prosecution, Beach himself may have been subpoenaed by the special grand jury last year as he personally was heavily involved in the fake Trump 2020 electors scam. Let’s Go Brandon!

Miserable little bastard Florida Governor Ron DeSantis leads fat former President Trump 37 to 29 percent in a Los Angeles Times survey of the Golden State’s Republican primary voters.

Two male Iowa Republican voters got more than a little Trumpy at a town hall event hosted by former South Carolina Governor Nimrata “Nikki” Haley earlier this week, Politico reports.

Roger Dvorak, 80, suggested Haley pick South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem as her running mate, but began trailing off on why. “She’s hot!” an unidentified fellow male audience member yelled, apparently to great laughter from the crowd. “Nikki, you’re not too bad yourself,” Dvorak then added.

Haley laughed uncomfortably and said the discussion was “digressing” too much. Dvorak later told a reporter that the remark was inappropriate, but also suggested that, in not Noem, Tulsi Gabbard be her running mate and not say, Senators Joni Ernst or Marsha Blackburn. Or Alabama Gov Kay Ivey.

Documents obtained by the Daily Beast show MAGA white nationalist scumbag Nick Fuentes was put on the “no-fly list” in 2021 because he had threatened to strangle a flight attendant, not the “overt political persecution” he had claimed on Twitter before his account was canceled in 2021.

One year ago, at this exact moment, I published a piece all but resigned to the destruction of the Ukrainian state and the death of President Volodymyr Zelensky, using the same video clip above. So concentrated was I writing it that I missed Russian dictator Vladimir Putin’s order to begin the “special military operation” in Ukraine – Jack published the article on that just two minutes later.

I was far from alone thinking the Ukrainians were fucked. The Russians had steamrolled Georgia in 2008, taken Crimea in 2014, and had pushed into the Donbas. They had Ukraine outmanned, outgunned, and surrounded on three sides. The few fanboys who believed the Biden Administration wasn’t just making shit up were giddy that the country they had always viewed with suspicion and derision after the impeachment shitshow in 2019 their dude Vlad was going to kick some ass.

In the headline above are literally the last words of a condemned man being executed in Florida on Thursday, according to the Daily Beast. The name of the convicted murderer isn’t important. He deserved it. But it’s still funny that he said “I know I hurt people when I was young. I really messed up. But I know Ron DeSantis has done a lot worse. He’s taken a lot from a lot of people. I speak for all men, women and children. He’s put his foot on our necks. Ron DeSantis and other people like him can suck our dicks,” before dying of lethal injection at the Florida State Penitentiary.

Why is it the only one talking about America going to war is getting so much air time on Fox, and making such hilariously wrong praise on the network whose hosts were exposed less than a week ago as lying to their viewers?   “[Joe Biden’s] gonna lead us into World War 3, and I don’t wanna be on that train anymore.  I am not intrested [sic] in it and neither is anyone else,” real-time Daughter of the American Confederacy Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-Ga) says to white nationalist abettor Tucker Carlson.  “You’re one of the few people that tells the truth like the American people feel and talk and think on television, uh, that I ever see.  Telling the truth and I’m tryin’ to say the same thing in Congress.  But, yeah, we’re the ones that are supposed to be for Putin.  I don’t think so.  Ya know who’s fer China is the Biden Administration and the idiots that I work with in Congress that are leading us into World War 3 and going to hurt America like never before.”

Is Don Jr working for the enemy or something? Why would he betray a great American patriot like this by posting his current location on Instagram? What if he’s a liberal plant?

“To amend Article 4 of Chapter 12 of Title 15 of the Official Code of Georgia Annotated, relating to grand juries, so as to require secrecy and protection from unauthorized disclosure of grand jury proceedings, including special grand jury proceedings; to provide unauthorized disclosures by the foreperson, members of the grand jury or special penalties for grand jury. and court reporters; to provide for related matters; to provide for an effective date; to repeal conflicting laws; and for other purposes,” says the opening text to Georgia State Senate Bill 249.

We’ll just skep the tedious feigned naivety here about why this bill came together on Thursday and note that, yeah, lesson learned don’t let it happen again blah blah blah but also ask when the fuck do they expect this to happen again in a politically relevant situation. We’ll also laugh heartily at their impotent rage over the grand jury recommending Trump be indicted whether or not Emily Kohrs told the AP, the Times, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, and CNN about it. All this bill would have done is prevented libs from getting all excited and fired up over Trump likely facing justice.

A Trump-aligned political slush fund group have issued a memo urging all “Hill staffers and their colleagues” to immediately cease any meetings and dealings with lobbying firms employing former House January 6th Select Committee lawyers and staffers, Politico reports on the kind of cunty cancel culture move that only the liberal media and woke corporations inflict on regular Americans.

“AAF has put together a cheat-sheet below outlining their new firms and the firm’s clients so you can be sure you (and your staff) aren’t inadvertently taking a meeting with a company that hires staff that hates your boss,” says the memo sent by dark money scumbag American Accountability Fund founder and president Thomas Jones, adding it’s “important to remember that even if one of these former J6 investigators is not listed as a lobbyist on this specific account, the billings brought in by the clients listed below benefit all staff at the J6 investigator’s new firm.”

Weird how an evidently major engine of right wing power not practicing what their politicians preach about how evil and un-American it is to shut people who engaged in “legitimate political discourse” out of doing their jobs like this is some kind of woke college campus or some shit.

Creepy Trump spokesminion Liz Harrington on Thursday declared that all the charges against her Orange Overlord (which haven’t actually been filed yet) in Georgia should be thrown out because the special grand jury forewoman Emily Kohrs had her 15 minutes of political media fame on Tuesday, also noting that Kohrs is into Wicca and haha “witch hunt” and she’s a “witch” haha!

Harrington insisted Kohrs violated the law (she didn’t), divulged private deliberations (she didn’t – not really), and claimed “CNN” was more upset that Kohrs might have jeopardized the case against Trump (again, she didn’t) than they were over the still-potential charges themselves. Which, no shit, of course most CNN talking heads want to see Trump indicted, their ratings would skyrocket, as would those of pretty much every news organization in the United States.

The RNC will hold its first primary debate this August in Milwaukee and try to force the participants to sign the lame “loyalty pledge” to support the nominee, the New York Times reports.

“At this time, no other debates have been sanctioned, nor has the final criteria for the first debate been decided,” RNC Chairwoman Ronna Not-Romney McDaniel wrote in an email to members “The committee will continue its work and will release updates as they become available.” Milwaukee will also be the site of the GOP’s 2024 nominating convention, sure to be a complete shitshow.

A federal judge has ordered fat fuck former president Donald Trump and FBI Director Christopher Wray to be questioned under oath by lawyers as part of two separate lawsuits brought by former FBI agents Lisa Page and Peter Strzok against the Justice Department alleging they were punished for their involvement in the Department of Justice’s investigation into Donald Trump’s ties to Russia, Kyle Griffin of MSNBC reports.

The case would mark the first time Donald Trump would be put under oath relating to his relationship with Russia; what he did relating to aiding or impeding the Justice Department and Mueller investigations; and how he allegedly ordered retaliation for those who investigated him.  Trump was not questioned by the Mueller team; Trump submitted written answers to questions submitted by investigators.

Strzok was fired in August 2018 after text messages outlining an affair with Page were released; he seeks to be reinstated and to receive back pay.  A former FBI lawyer, Page is suing the Department for a breach of privacy for distributing personal communications.

If you’re among a likely small group of left-leaning Americans who read newspaper comic strips and feel guilty finding “Dilbert” to be occasionally funny then you probably won’t have to worry about that much longer since the strip is extremely unlikely to long for syndication after what its MAGA asshole author Scott Adams said about Black people on his podcast Wednesday. It’s fucking bad.

Per the Daily Beast’s article on the rant, Adams cited a Rasmussen (lol) poll finding 53 percent of Black respondents agree with the phrase “It’s okay to be white.” Adams started off sarcastically with “I’ve been identifying as Black for a while because I like to be on the winning team. And I like to help. I always thought if you help the Black community, that’s sort of the biggest lever, you could find the biggest benefit… But it turns out that nearly half of that team doesn’t think I’m okay to be white. Which is why I identified as Black so I could be on the winning team for a while.”

Adams then said he’s “going to re-identify as white” as he doesn’t “want to be a member of a hate group… If nearly half of all Blacks are not okay with white people – according to this poll, not according to me, according to this poll – that’s a hate group. I would say, based on the current way things are going, the best advice I would give to white people is to get the hell away from Black people. Just get the fuck away. Wherever you have to go, just get away. Because there’s no fixing this. This can’t be fixed,” adding he moved to an area “with a very low Black population.”

National Zero will follow up on Dilbert being canned by United Feature Syndicate and Adams declaring all his warnings about cancel culture having been vindicated to the fullest extent.

MAGA dipshits who bought the Steve Bannon and Boris Epshteyn-backed “Fuck Joe Biden” Coin – not to be confused with the similarly named and similarly failed “Let’s Go Brandon” Coin – are feeling a bit burned these days, wondering how in the world that a guy who was indicted at both the state and federal level for embezzling $25 million from donors who believed they were funding a privately built border wall and his partner who is under federal criminal investigation for his involvement in the fake 2020 Trump electors scam would overpromise and underdeliver on their investment in a cryptocurrency that has lost 95% of its value since its launch in December 2021, ABC News reports.

“I do agree that it is very obtuse of [Bannon and Epshteyn] to put their names to this project 11 months ago and people put in thousands only to feel left to flounder,” one mark wrote on $FJB’s Discord chanel in December 2022. “I lost 14 of my 16 grand. I don’t see how you can go forward before this is ironed out,” another user wrote and please dear God let that be actually true that the asshole really sank $16,000 into fucking $FJB cryptocurrency. Please God, we beg of you.

“My 15K worth $80 so it was a $14,920 lesson learned,” another user wrote earlier this month after Bannon and Epshteyn announced they were walking away from $FJB, as if that lesson could not have been learned for $0 the headlines in August 2020 when Bannon was first arrested for fraud.