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LOL! Check out Twitter, the Republicans are SCREAMING at the sky over this new “muh border crisis” like it actually matters. What a bunch of wieners. “12,600+ encounters in one. single. day. Biden’s border disaster will have generational impacts on our nation,” tweeted cuck loser Senator Mike Braun. LMAO Cry more Braun-hole! “OMG! There’s Central Americans coming in to use fake IDs to work in poultry plants and on farms and other shitty jobs no US citizens want!” they frantically cry with their non-stop white nationalist virtue signaling circlejerk. Losers.

Their salty tears over the “blood of the nation being poisoned” is hilarious. They squirm and cry while Biden just laughs at their pain. “OPEN BORDERS!” is a hoax, replacement theory is a hoax, the cartels are a hoax. The Border Patrol are a bunch of crisis actors. Deal with it MAGA Nazis.

National Zero will resume our regular news coverage after treating an important issue for GOP voters with the same seriousness they’ve treated COVID, global warming, Ukraine, and democracy.

The fascist Biden Regime’s Department of Injustice stormtroopers have opened an investigation into a well-known conservative religious group’s finances, Semafor reports from sources illegally leaking out of leftist US Attorney for the Southern District of New York Damian Williams’s office.

Lamestream media outlets call the group “terrorists,” just because some members have endorsed non-peaceful resistance to government authority and have been known to stockpile automatic weapons, and “antisemitic,” as much of their conservative theology centers on beliefs that Jewish leaders are working to “replace” them. What all of this biased rhetoric about Hamas leaves out is that every one of their Allah-fearing patriots are just as much the victims of out of control weaponization of law enforcement as American Evangelicals and conservative Catholics targeted by the FBI. Merrick Garland and his toadies like Williams and Chris Wray should immediately clear their calendars and preserve their documents to allow the House GOP to conduct very big and strong oversight of their department by following the facts and leaving no stone unturned.

National Zero will resume our regular news coverage after providing an alternative viewpoint for our MAGA readers to consider. Hamas members don’t like being called “terrorists” either.

Russian President Vladimir Putin on Friday launched his 2024 reelection campaign with a positive message from the man hoping to lead the world’s geographically largest country for another six years after voters head to the polls in March, the AP reports. Although the economy has been facing some headwinds with rising costs for average Russians and an increasing number of political and business leaders have been mysteriously falling out of windows recently, Putin is already the clear frontrunner given the power of incumbency and the immense popularity he enjoys.

Luck has also played a role in Putin’s durability: Eccentric business tycoon and possible challenger Yevgeny Prigozhin died in a fiery plane crash back in June while left wing former candidate Alexei Navalny is likely to remain in prison for decades on charges stemming from a major political scandal.

Then there are the smaller-time headaches that have managed to go right for Putin, such as the Russian-American Wall Street Journal reporter who was arrested for espionage just a day after he published an article about the poor state of the economy and the army colonel who committed suicide by shooting himself in the chest five times right before he was to publicly reveal information about a corruption scandal in his ranks. These are just some of the most recent curveballs in Putin’s long and storied career – ones that would’ve been serious challenges for other leaders – that have left many observers wondering just what’s his secret sauce to defying the laws of political gravity.

Others see it as simply a matter of the fundamentals: Strength on national security issues, precision in enforcing the law against individuals and groups seen as disruptive to the Russian way of life, and the stamina Putin displays by riding a horse shirtless. This mixed with the fact that a lot of average Russians simply aren’t all that concerned with the price of vodka or turnips or candles to keep their homes lit – is the recipe for another 80 percent margin win for the Russian president.

National Zero will resume our regular news coverage now that we’ve delivered the Chuck Todd and Chris Cillizza fans in our audience the latest insider scoop on Russian politics.

A Hazelwood, Missouri Cabela’s location gave away gift cards with values ranging from $5 to $500 to the first 250 customers lined up outside before the hunting and outdoor retail chain’s Black Friday blowout sale kicked off 5:00 AM, KDSK reports on a giveaway whose scope feels like it would’ve been much bigger if Trump was still in office during the 2023 Christmas shopping season.

Now maybe it is comparable to Cabela’s 2019 Black Friday gift card giveaway promotion. We could look into that but it would probably require a lot of time and effort poring through old Facebook posts and archived pages from their website. More importantly, such research could wind up having the opposite effect of the vibe we’re trying to present here and that this Black Friday’s Cabela’s door prize is unambiguously more generous in 2023. Then again, we could just skip all that and simply double the proposition: It feels like the first 500 customers would have gotten free gift cards ranging in value from $10 to $1,000 if Trump had won a second term in the 2020 election.

When in doubt – combined with journalistic sloth – go with the completely unfalsifiable point of comparison. Who wants to be bored with details when all we’re trying to do is tell Red State hunting and fishing enthusiasts with disposable income they’re getting screwed on Black Friday deals because Crooked Joe is selling our country out to China? It’s not that complicated, especially when you don’t want it to be. Watch us do it: KDSK’s report also mentions that Cabela’s website is selling a two-pack of Moultrie Edge cell hunting cameras for $99, representing a savings of $80 off the normal retail price of $179.99, which we’re just going to go ahead and say would’ve been $59.99 on Black Friday 2023 if the 2020 election hadn’t been rigged and stolen. Deal with it libtards.

National Zero will resume our regular coverage after this in-depth report on the vibes generated by Cabela’s Black Friday gift card giveaway. We hope our MAGA readers felt like it was accurate.

House Republicans have delivered for the American people with gas prices in 11 Southern states now averaging at under $3 per gallon, Yahoo Finance reports on a major accomplishment promised in tens of thousands of GOP campaign ads in the lead-up to the 2022 midterm elections.

They promised this and they made it happen with all their pro-energy policies like talking about how the American people have had enough of the Biden Administration’s economic policies that President Trump was so great for American energy that gas prices were $1.90 or even lower back in April of 2020. Former Speaker Kevin McCarthy can take a well-deserved victory lap since lowering gas prices was an important part of his pitch to elect members of his caucus like Nancy Mace, Matt Gaetz, Ken Buck, Tim Burchett, Bob Good, and others who were crucial to his winning majority.

But really every Republican in the House deserves credit after campaigning so hard on this important issue and actually making it happen. Voters don’t need to be bored with the details like which specific piece of legislation the House GOP passed and got signed into law that made this price drop possible. They don’t care about the jargon, they care about the results – just like they will when prices rise again and the leftist Democrats will try to avoid taking responsibility for it.

National Zero will resume our regular news coverage after providing an alternative viewpoint for our MAGA readers to consider. We hope they credit their party’s 2022 victory accordingly.

These are dark times for our Nation, as New York City Mayor Eric Adams’s cell phone and tablets have been seized by FBI agents, the New York Times reports. Nothing like this has ever happened to a Mayor of New York City before. After working and cooperating with the relevant Government agencies, this unannounced raid on his devices was not necessary or appropriate. It is prosecutorial misconduct, the weaponization of the Justice System, and an attack by Radical Left Democrats who desperately don’t want Adams to run for Mayor in 2025, especially based on recent polls, and who will likewise do anything to stop him from peacefully and patriotically leading the city.

Such an assault could only take place in broken, Third-World Countries. Sadly, America has now become one of those Countries, corrupt at a level not seen before. What is the difference between this and Watergate, where operatives broke into the Democrat National Committee? Here, in reverse, Democrat FBI agents illegally seized the devices of the 110th Mayor of New York City.

The political persecution of Mayor Eric Adams has been going on for years, with this now fully debunked Turkey, Turkey, Turkey Scam, the ghosts haunting Gracie Mansion, and so much more, it just never ends. It is political targeting at the highest level! Hillary was allowed to delete and acid wash 33,000 E-mails AFTER they were subpoenaed by Congress. Absolutely nothing has happened to hold her accountable. She even took antique furniture, and other items from the White House!

National Zero will resume our regular coverage after mad-libbing this August 8, 2022 Trump statement to use to report the very real news about the FBI investigation into Eric Adams.

HORRIFYING NEWS! Granbury, Texas city council candidate Brad Benson was ARRESTED on Monday morning, a the day before election day, for purposes of ELECTION INTERFERENCE, the New Republic reports. THEY WAITED UNTIL RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF BENSON’S CAMPAIGN!

Crooked BIASED RINO Hood County Sheriff Roger Deeds, who we call DIRTY DEEDS, confirmed this Unfair and Unconstitutional act of LAWFARE against the leading candidate in the Granbury City Council District 4 election. “I can confirm he was arrested by the District Attorney’s Office yesterday and charged with two felony child pornography charges,” Dirty Deeds said. This has never happened before in the history of Granbury, Texas. It’s disgraceful. The establishment losers in the Hood County Republican Party (Frauds!) even said “These heinous acts are antithetical to what Republicans stand for,” like the losers they are. It is a Very sad and dark period for Granbury!

Brad Benson is a fighter and a patriot. So what if he’s turned on by pictures of naked children? That’s nothing compared to what Hillary Clinton has been accused of. She literally murders children and the Uniparty is going after a guy who allegedly just downloaded some porn. How do they even know there were children in the photos and videos? They could have been midgets. Or crisis actors.

OH and why does it seem like every time there’s a new revelation in the massive Hunter Biden scandal that a Republican gets arrested? SURELY it’s just a coincidence this was on the same day that David Weiss testified to the House Judiciary Committee about his investigation into Hunter!

National Zero will resume our regular coverage after showing our MAGA readers what it looks like every time they defend crimes marginally more defensible than possession of child pornography.

Shut up libs! Nobody cares that President Trump said Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban is the leader of Turkey? Obama said there were 57 states once! Remember when he did that? And OH, don’t get us started on Joe Biden! He’s so old and he messes up all the time, like when he said “Corn Pop was a bad dude.” Remember that? No, because your lamestream media covered it up! It doesn’t matter that President Trump mixed up Turkey and Hungary. He was being sarcastic. It was a 12D chess move to get you leftist homos all riled up. LMAO! He’s got you libtards chasing your tails! LOL!

National Zero will resume our regular coverage after offering our MAGA readers this helpful guide on how to spin the gaffe experienced by their Orange Savior in New Hampshire on Monday.

On Friday patriot Jim Jordan was selected by the House Republican Caucus to become the next Speaker but there are serious doubts about whether he can be elevated to the most prestigious position in Congress, second in line to the presidency, as Democrats won’t help him get the majority of votes needed in the chamber to secure the gavel, preferring to play petty politics.

Leftists think this is so funny.

Why? The answer is obvious: The Democrats are seizing the opportunity to obstruct the impeachment inquiry against their corrupt, socialist leader Joe Biden. The momentum Republicans had three weeks ago was absolutely massive. The GOP had Biden and his evil son Hunter on the run, with the first blockbuster hearing in the inquiry nothing but wall-to-wall devastating testimony from witnesses. A full vote to authorize articles of impeachment was inevitable. All that changed when Democrats refused to help now-former Speaker Kevin McCarthy hang on to the gavel when he was hit with a motion to vacate brought by some Congressman for whatever reason.

Who did it and why isn’t important because the American people deserve answers and they won’t be getting them as long as Dems won’t work with Republicans to elect a conservative Speaker. Jim Jordan is the man who will continue exposing the corruption of the Biden Administration by subpoenaing Hunter Biden’s bank records and allowing members to show the American people pictures of him having sex with prostitutes before they go to the polls in the 2024 election.

US employers, having seen Trump beating Biden by 11 percent in the most recent Washington Post/ABC News poll and far ahead of the competition in the GOP primary, felt confident enough in September to add 336,000 jobs in anticipation of the greatest economy president ever being sworn into office again in 15 months. They also increased wages by 4.2 percent over 3.7 percent inflation just to give your wallet a sweet happy memory of what it was like. Your wallet misses Trump.

The polls numbers are really the only explanation for the phenomenal job growth and only some Soros Antifa fake news queer loser is going to try to tell you otherwise. It’s leftist propaganda and it should be illegal. Business owners know Trump. They love him so much. They’re excited to see him come back and that’s why they’re hiring and raising wages. The enthusiasm is just incredible.

National Zero will resume our regular coverage after spinning up some MAGA-friendly economic news for our right wing readers and their sentient wallets. We hope they enjoyed this update.

A longtime Eastern European leader with ties to major figures in Washington is raising the alarms over what he sees as a culture of “political persecution” metastasizing in the United States.

“As for the prosecution of Trump… for us, what is happening in today’s conditions, in my opinion, is good, because it shows how rotten the American political system is …All that’s happening with Trump is political persecution of a political rival,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin during a speech at a major annual economic conference held in Moscow. “Everything that is happening with Trump is persecution for political reasons, exposing internal problems in the US,” Mr Putin added.

Mr Putin’s comments, first reported by Sputnik, spell potential trouble for Joe Biden as he heads into his reelection campaign given the weight of Mr Putin’s influence in the global community. The five-term Russian president enjoys wide popular support within the country as most of his rivals have been imprisoned for crimes or died inexplicably. Mr Putin enjoyed a healthy working relationship with the Trump Administration, so it’s no surprise he wishes to see the 45th president return to power.

Former President Trump is facing four different criminal cases and 91 felony counts, many of which concern allegations that he harassed a Georgia elections official in a phone call and may have had other involvement in improper attempts overturn the 2020 election. The case in Manhattan concerns allegations he may have had an affair with an adult performer and allegedly paid her to maintain her silence during the 2016 election. In Florida, Trump is accused of improperly handling classified government documents and allegedly showing them to at least one unauthorized person.

We don’t use the “/sarc” or “/s” tags here in our satirical articles at National Zero, instead relying on an italicized footnote reading “National Zero will resume our regular coverage” and some contrived explanation for why we wrote what we did in pieces like “Crossing gates are for snowflakes,” “Just wait libs, CNN and MSNBC are going to end up paying way more than $787 million to Trump and Russia for their ‘collusion’ lies,” and “When does the REAL House January 6th Select Committee start investigating the House January 6th Unselect Committee?” and, what was maybe the biggest hit, “Case Closed: Libs are responsible for attack on Paul Pelosi.” It’s a fun, albeit somewhat weasely way to temporarily duck out of our commitment to real news and commentary, indulging in what’s often not particularly challenging satire since it takes only slight reframing of genuine MAGA insanity.

Came pretty close to writing another one about certain recent developments in the news, but it would’ve rehashed too much of “Face it libs, the Durham Report just got Trump reelected” from May. It’s not like we can only make that joke once, it’s just maybe we should keep it to once a year or so.

Just wait libs. If you think President Trump is down for the count then you haven’t sat for the maestro’s final symphony. The grandmaster’s checkmate. The 93 yard Hail Mary with zero seconds left on the clock. Gunslinging new cowboy lawyer John Lauro gave a hint of the plan on Tuesday night: Trump can subpoena whatever evidence he wants to expose the plot to rig the 2020 election against him. That means EVERYTHING will come out in discovery before the trial even starts.

All the Chinese bamboo ballots, the secret Venezuelan supercomputer’s sixth-order polynomials, the illegal changing of laws by state legislatures making it easier to vote by mail, the Italian satellites, the German server gunfight between the US Army and CIA, the secret radioactive kinematic artifacts stamped on the ballots, Facebook and Twitter suppressing the Hunter Biden laptop story, the 2,000 mules ballot trafficking plot, the Zuckerbucks paid to election offices, the media bias against Trump which was basically election interference, the Chinese thermostats and more will be exposed.

Much more. There will be just massive, explosive new revelations that will leave you Demonrats so fucking sorry you ever messed with Trump. You socialist losers have awakened a dragon that will completely incinerate you and everything you hold dear. So go ahead and drink your stupid trans Bud Light and enjoy the moment. You have no idea what you just started. Trump will finish it.

National Zero will resume our regular news coverage now that we’ve provided an alternative viewpoint for our right wing readers. We hope their spirits have been lifted after a pretty rough day.

Oh no! Oh my God this isn’t happening! No, j-j-just wait maybe there’s like some sort of secret inflation code or something that Biden used to cheat that can be exposed and and and tell the American people that they’re still being destroyed by his regime. This 3 percent increase year-over-year last month and only fucking 0.2 percent monthly CNBC reports on has to be a mistake.

It’s just not real. This is too important to allow Soros to manipulate it. Consumers are being lied to. They know this economy is a disaster and Biden hates them. They can’t be fooled by these fake numbers. They’re fake. This isn’t real. It isn’t happening. WHAT THE FUCK how is the Dow now up over 200 points? Investors are supposed to be smarter than this. No, just no. This isn’t fair.

National Zero will resume our regular coverage now that we’ve provided this balanced reaction to super-important economic news for our MAGA readers. We hope we properly captured their vibe.

Joe Biden should not be dragging us further toward World War III by sending cluster munitions to Ukraine – he should be trying to END the war and stop the horrific death and destruction being caused by an incompetent administration. These unexploded cluster munitions will be killing and maiming innocent Ukrainian men, women, and children for decades to come when they should be used to protect Americans from the invasion on our open border with Mexico. Why are we sending our precious resources to blow up Russian soldiers and mercenaries instead of blowing up the cartels, human traffickers, and caravans from coming to collect free welfare?

Even leftists are opposed to sending the cluster munitions to Ukraine. Lots of them said they’re concerned about the danger the weapons pose to people, which makes them great and effective deterrents to migrants coming to murder white sorority girls at midwestern colleges or put rainbow fentanyl in your children’s Halloween candy. No sense in wasting them on defending Ukraine when the Border Patrol and Texas National Guard could be firing them over the border to scare people away from coming to claim asylum. Too bad Crooked Joe Biden cares more about some territorial dispute in a faraway country instead of Americans. He’s so weak and worthless he won’t even use the cluster bombs against Antifa in Portland. That city’s already been burned to the ground and completely overrun by those Marxist thugs because Joe not a fighter. He doesn’t fight.

National Zero will resume our regular coverage now that we’ve done the easy work of bridging two semi-related MAGA talking points together. We hope our right wing readers enjoyed this.

See you at the groundbreaking. https://t.co/1kJZ2h3JZW

— President Biden (@POTUS) June 28, 2023

Real Americans are getting sick of leftist elitists weaponizing their “facts” for political gain. So what if Senator Tommy Tuberville didn’t vote for the socialist infrastructure plan that he’s saying he delivered for his constituents? It’s not like it’s a crime for him to imply that he did by omitting his actual record on the issue, and it definitely doesn’t mean swamp creature Joe Biden should get to virtue signal and spike the ball on Tuberville like this. It’s just so out of touch with the reality that Republican voters and Alabamans in particular want to believe in. Worse is how the libs are going to act like “Dark Brandon owned that lame-brained hick” with this tweet. Very disrespectful.

National Zero will resume our regular news coverage now that we’ve given our best shot at articulating the nebulous anger and resentment MAGA voters feel after burns like this.

The weaponized Biden Justice Department on Thursday indicted Massachusetts Air National Guardsman patriotic Groyper Jack Teixeira on the same document hoax they illegally went after President Trump with, charging him with six phony counts of willful retention and transmission of classified information relation to the national defense, Woke Disney-owned ABC fake News reports.

See libs?!? If the Deep State can do this to President Trump then they can do it to you too! Teixeira had every right to those documents and to share them with his “KEKEK” friends on Discord where all they did was trade “memes.” They’ll go after him but not the Clintons for the “Socks Case” and the 33,000 illegal emails on the bathroom server from Ukraine that she acid washed. And the Uranium thing too. Hillary gave all our Uranium to Russia and nobody did anything! Where’s Hunter?!?

National Zero will resume our regular news coverage now that we’ve further validated our right wing readers’ belief that they’re not after Trump but after them and he’s only standing in the way.

Just found out that one of fake President Crooked Joe Biden’s advisers told Axios that he will never join Truth Social! This is undemocratic and ELECTION INTERFERENCE if he won’t go on the top social media network in America to face Patriotic users’ questions about his corrupt and failed administration. Inflation has never been higher, we’re facing an INVASION of our open borders, and JOE BIDEN wants to “RIGG” and steele another election by staying off of TRUTH.

Never in our history has a major presidential candidate illegally and unconstitutionally boycotted a social network that is so successful. Also, just found out that Liddle Ron DeSanctis doesn’t have a Truth Social account either! How many other so-called “candidates” are interfering in the election by not Registering for such a wonderful, beautiful, tremendous app? Treason?

National Zero will resume our regular news coverage now that we’ve exposed the ongoing interference in the 2024 presidential election. We hope our MAGA readers enjoyed this report.

Monday’s release of the long-awaited Durham Report landed on the Democrat media establishment like an asteroid with hundreds of nuclear bombs attached to it flying at the speed of light, totally and utterly annihilating them forever as it almost certainly basically just got Trump reelected. Tens of millions of Americans will read it in its entirety, with page after page of absolute atrocities committed by the FBI and Hillary Clinton before, during, and after the 2016 election.

It’s just so devastating for Democrats, it’s hard where to even know where to begin with how good this is for President Trump in the upcoming election. Suburban soccer moms in key swing counties are probably already using a highlighter to single out all the damaging evidence of crimes committed by Hillary and Obama and then sharing those on the Facebook mom groups. Go visit a Target or Walmart today and you’ll see dozens of them in the aisles with tears in their eyes, trading notes and asking each other how Peter Strzok and Andrew McCabe could have gotten away with all the horrible things they did to the president. Might as well just declare Trump the winner now and save the effort of 18 months of 2024 election coverage on TV and the internet.

Democrats are going to wish the report was delayed until after the election because they are so fucked with swing voters. The 2016 election and the Durham Report will absolutely be the number one issue in the 2024 election and it’s a winning one for Republicans. Who can honestly look at Durham’s chilling description of how the FBI made up the phony Steele Dossier and still vote for a Democrat after that? That witch hunt was pure treason and no made-up BS about guns or abortion is going to stop the American people from standing up and avenging this horrific crime against them.

National Zero will resume our regular news coverage now that we’ve exposed the coming political devastation wrought by the Durham Report. We hope our MAGA readers enjoyed this analysis.

Hahaha! While you libs were celebrating Tucker Carlson leaving Fox News, REAL PATRIOTS scored a victory too as CNN HAS FIRED DON LEMON! Take that you socialist scumbags! Don Lemon was way more important to leftists than Tucker was to Christian freedom lovers! SUCK IT LIBS! MAGA!

National Zero will resume our regular news coverage now that we’ve helped our MAGA readers feel like the score’s been somehow evened. Everyone please pretend like Don Lemon was important.