In a development that is pretty congruent with the intended result of such a brazen theft and yet also could very easily have been an afterthought for police, WHAS reports that Evansville, Indiana man Randall Baker blew a .103 BAC after he was arrested for stealing a Bud Light delivery truck whilst the driver was unloading cases of the formerly artificially-MAGA-controversial mass-market beer in the parking lot of a liquor store on North Governor Street at around 3 PM Friday.

Further details about how Baker was apprehended were not in the article, how much time and distance he was able to put in between himself and the scene of the theft and, most importantly, specifically whether it either were ample enough for him to have actually consumed any of his ill-gotten spoils from the heist. Baker’s moderate level of intoxication and the location of the theft do however point toward it being a simple crime of opportunity by an ebullient and daring boozebag who was making his way into the liquor store to restock on his spirit of choice, saw this most unexpected of openings to obtain a vast wealth of alcohol – along with the keys in the ignition.

Heartbreaking to think that he might not have been able to crack open even one tall boy though.

Pray the Orange Lump of Shit illegitimately occupying the White House did not jinx this mission with his earlier Truth Social post. For real God bless and godspeed to astronauts Reid Wiseman, Victor Glover, Christina Koch, and CSA (Canadian Space Agency) astronaut Jeremy Hansen on the approximately 10‑day translunar test drive of the future surface landing mission craft. We’re proud of you and your courage is an inspiration to all of us. Come back safe and ready to get extra drunk.

No fewer than six current and former US Border Patrol officials tell the Washington Examiner that agency Chief Michael Banks has a reputation for bragging about flying to places like Thailand and Colombia to have sex with prostitutes. It’s an explosive allegation considering the expectation that a conservative law enforcement official charged with white nationalist voters’ most sacred mission would prefer Caucasian prostitutes from the United States – or at least some impoverished former Soviet Republic if he was looking to get more value for his vacation budget than in Nevada.

Border Patrol – which was not ever led by now-former El Centro, California command Chief Greg Bovino despite both Bovino and the Trump Regime presenting as such until he was cashiered – is a subordinate agency to Customs and Border Protection, itself subordinate to Homeland Security. CBP twice initiated probes into Banks’s “bragging” about the trips, including last year, but dog murdering now-former Secretary Kristi Noem quashed it, presumably because her not-husband Corey Lewandowski wanted to personally interrogate Banks for recommendations on which places to visit.

“I don’t know how he became the chief of the Border Patrol with his character. He’s going to third-world countries to take advantage of poor fucking women, which disgusts the hell out of me,” a former Border Patrol agent told the Examiner over the phone, adding that now-53 year-old Banks had nagged him to come along on one of the trips. Just going to leave that quote there because there’s not much that can be added. There are so many real reasons why that guy’s disgusted.

While it’s still not a full accounting of just how the hell quadruple amputee pro cornhole player Dayton Webber was able to pull out a gun and shoot Bradrick Wells in the head twice during an argument while Webber was driving a Tesla if wasn’t already court of public opinion defense lawyer spin bullshit, a Wednesday statement from Webber’s Dream Team captain Andrew Jezic to reporters does fill in some of the gaps in the public understanding of the fatal events that transpired.

According to the AP, Jezic briefed reporters outside Charles County District Court following a bail hearing and professed that his client had acted in self-defense when he somehow managed to retrieve the weapon, cock it, and shoot Wells, all while “terrified” that Wells was about to leverage the advantage of having hands to kill Webber. “The truth here is that he would have been a murder victim if he had not acted immediately in defense of his life,” said Jezic following the hearing.

The argument between the two centered on a different firearm that a friend of Wells had stolen from Webber with the cornhole pro enraged at Wells for still associating with the third person. That’s actually not a terrible foundation for a self-defense claim given that a jury might buy a case that Webber had some reasonable suspicion that Wells had the weapon on him. It gets harder though when you get to the part where the Assistant State’s Attorney Karen Piper Mitchell told the court that Webber had another tiff with Wells in 2024 in which the quadruple amputee screamed at Wells to leave his home and the fired a warning round at him from a window after he exited.

Bail was denied. It’s not clear if Jezic quipped “Flight risk?!? Your honor, you can clearly see my client doesn’t have wings!” but that would’ve been unprofessional on top of groan-inducing.

“We’re launching a new pilot program to fight rats in DC. This spring, we’re combining baiting, tracking powder, and an innovative fertility suppressant to target the rodent population. Let’s work together to keep the population down by securing trash and keeping alleys clear,” tweeted DC Mayor Muriel Bowser on Wednesday and no she means like actual mice and rats not conservative politicians, lobbyists, lawyers and so on. Yes everyone’s disappointed that it’s literal. Totally.

Evidently satisfied with their record of doing incredibly dangerous shit in the middle of the ocean to disrupt what little remains of the global whaling industry in the 21st century, militant activist group the Captain Paul Watson Foundation have turned their attention to the tiny crustaceans that whales feed upon and are now doing incredibly dangerous shit to disrupt the krill industry too.

Per the AP, Team Watson’s latest hit was from the bow of their vessel, the M/V Bandero, against the port side of the Antarctic Sea, a vessel operated by Norwegian krill concern Aker Qrill during a Wednesday confrontation off the coast of the frozen wasteland continent. The astonishingly fucking reckless strike in remote waters so far from any rescue that it might as well be on the moon was said by the company to have come within centimeters of the trawler’s diesel tank. Which would’ve been lucky for the members of either crew who had been instantly killed at least. That would suck about 99 percent less than huddled in a lifeboat for a few hours before finally being capsized.

“Despite decades of study, a quantitative, integrated framework to evaluate minute-scale throughput, geometric control, and a zero external footprint for Khufu’s pyramid has been lacking. We test the Integrated Edge-Ramp (IER) model – a helical path formed by omitting and backfilling perimeter courses – using a unified, end-to-end pipeline coupling parametric geometry, discrete-event logistics, and staged finite-element analysis (FEA). An adaptive multi-ramp strategy can sustain 4–6-min dispatches and yields a median on-site duration of 13.8 – 20.6 years (95 percent CI); including quarrying, river transport, and seasonal pauses gives 20 – 27 years. FEA indicates that stresses remain within plausible limits for Old Kingdom limestone under self-weight.”

“The model’s geometry is also consistent with internal voids identified by muon imaging (a hypothesis-generating result). The IER helps reconcile throughput, survey access, and zero-footprint closure, and produces falsifiable predictions (edge-fill signatures, corner wear). Our study provides a transferable, open-data/code framework for testing construction hypotheses for ancient megastructures,” says the abstract to a paper by independent researcher Vicente Luis Rosell Roig.

Wow, so they used science and like 6-Sigma kind of shit to optimize their means of whipping slaves to build a giant tomb for one guy for somewhere between two and three decades straight.

Birthright citizenship means the children of illegal aliens can vote to tax your children and seize their inheritance.

— Stephen Miller (@StephenM) April 1, 2026

Goddamn. To be there while Stephen got up off the couch and tried to rip the TV off the wall and, after about 35 seconds of furtive panting and squealing while struggling to pull from the mount, ordering a Secret Service agent to unload his pistol’s entire clip into it. And then the agent looking at him expressionless, saying nothing, and exiting the room to resume his patrol of the West Wing.

Which led Stephen to post this shit as though the six Republicans on the court were going to feel their phone notifications buzz and interrupt the ACLU counsel to announce that they’ve heard a compelling outside perspective on the matter and will be ruling in the government’s favor forthwith.

Stevie’s boss issued a similarly terse and defeated lament, posting “We are the only Country in the World STUPID enough to allow ‘Birthright’ Citizenship!” on a different social media platform.

With no sign of whether he perceived how terribly it went for his stupid attempt to unilaterally limit birthright citizenship, convicted felon President Trump on Wednesday left the Supreme Court early and in the middle of ACLU counsel Cecillia Wang’s argument to the justices, CNN reports.

As fun as it would be to write this comparing him to a Mets fan who’s already on the 7 train by the time the Reds hit a three run double to put them up 12-nothing in the top of the 5th, there’s no indication how clearly he understood just how badly his overpriced righty Sauer got shelled.

Though to be fair, Trump’s post on Monday did obviously anticipate Sauer would pitch a clunker.

“This executive order is illegal on its face. States run elections, not the president. The president couldn’t convince Congress to pass his disastrous voter suppression bill, so he’s resorted to this.”

“This order will only make it harder for eligible Michigan citizens to vote and will create chaos at every step of the election process. The truth is that our elections are already secure. By ordering the DOJ to target state and local election officials, this administration is coming after hardworking local public servants for doing their jobs safeguarding democracy. It is meant to sow fear, confusion, and doubt among voters. As Secretary of State, I will protect the votes and voices of Michiganders.”

“The law is on our side, and I will take swift action to fight this illegal order in court,” said Dem Michigan Secretary of State and leading gubernatorial candidate Jocelyn Benson in a statement responding to convicted felon President Trump’s deranged executive order on Tuesday.

A woman in the German city of Hamburg suffered a bite from a wild wolf outside of an IKEA store on Wednesday, state broadcaster DPA reports while marking it as a milestone in the vicious canines’ resurgence into the country as the first recorded attack on a human by one of the animals since their self-reintroduction began a few decades ago. Wolves were declared eradicated from Germany in the late 19th century but starting from the first confirmed sighting in 1998, a few packs migrating westward from Poland of their own volition have grown to an estimated 1,100 individuals nationwide.

Preservation laws obviously help too. Case in point being that the lone wolf who bit the IKEA shopper was trapped and Shanghaied to a wildlife rescue center in Lower Saxony, rather than shot dead for being an aggressive son of a bitch who should’ve just growled menacingly at someone willing to subject herself to the nightmarish self-harm of assembling the shitty pressboard furniture.

“Iran’s New Regime President, much less Radicalized and far more intelligent than his predecessors, has just asked the United States of America for a CEASEFIRE! We will consider when Hormuz Strait is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting Iran into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages!!!” posted the global leader of the grand international chessboard on Wednesday.

The United Arab Emirates, not exactly a military powerhouse on the Arabian Peninsula, is nevertheless preparing to become an active combatant against Iran in the mission to force open the Strait of Hormuz and is lobbying for a United Nations Security Council resolution to create an international mandate, the Wall Street Journal reports. Kind of tucked in to the article is that there’s a territorial dispute motive in play too in that they’re also seeking to reclaim control of an island called Abu Musa, which is significantly closer to the UAE than Iran but occupied since 1971.

NEW: The Supreme Court is set to hear arguments on President Trump’s birthright citizenship executive order.

Under President Trump’s order, roughly 255,000 children born on U.S. soil each year would start life without U.S. citizenship—about 6% of all projected births. pic.twitter.com/UGpRcfZCG2

— FOX & Friends (@foxandfriends) April 1, 2026

Turns out that National Zero’s sarcastic prediction that “Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth will intervene and fire the flight commanders, end the investigation, and award the crews with the Silver Star for valor in combatting wokeness” was only a slight exaggeration as drunken date rapist unsuspended the four crew members of the two Apache attack helicopters that flew by white trash MAGA musician-ish performer Kid Rock’s Tennessee hilltop mansion over the weekend, CBS reports.

“Thank you @KidRock. @USArmy pilots suspension LIFTED. No punishment. No investigation. Carry on, patriots,” Hegseth tweeted on Tuesday, decreeing the “injustice” corrected by his hand.

It’s unprecedented! A new CNN/SSRS poll finds convicted felon President Trump’s economic approval rating at 31 percent and his overall approval at 35 percent! Amazing!