The headline is not a verbatim quote so much as additional context to Acting Attorney General Todd Blancher’s pretty half-assed fan service nod at how Saturday night’s pretty lame “assassination attempt” – for which the suspect was not killed at the scene, contrary to uncorrected too-early sourcing here on National Zero – was obviously inspired by the hateful, treasonous rhetoric of those who mock convicted felon President Trump as a drug-addled senior with serious mental issues.

Bad rhino! Very stupid! That specific human was trying to protect you from poachers who want to mount your head and horn on their wall or grind it up into whatever the hell magic healing powder they think your ivory creates! Schoeman Van Jaarsveld was friend, not goring and stomping target!

Hmmm… Maybe could’ve gone with “Bleeding heart leftist thinks the rhinos are his friend, heart and rest of torso left bleeding on the ground from rhino horn” but that gets dicey because the guy was obviously an Afrikaner and it all starts tracking with all the fake “white genocide” shit and…

Anyway The George Hearld reports that the 58 year-old Van Jaarsveld was fatally attacked by a black rhino while on patrol on the Samara Karoo Reserve Thursday morning. “He will be sadly missed and we extend our deepest condolences to his family and team,” the reserve said in a statement.

The latest Reuters/Ipsos national survey finds 64 percent of respondents opposed to ending birthright citizenship versus 32 percent in favor, fairly symmetrical with so many other questions on MAGA fascist policy ambitions, such as the 65 percent who said mail-in ballots arriving after election day but postmarked on or before should be counted rather than thrown out.

Shots were fired at the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner on Saturday night with Secret Secret agents putting down the unidentified assailant before he could take down whoever he was targeting, CNN’s Jake Tapper reports from the room. Convicted felon President Trump is apparently demanding the show continue with him as the headliner.

“I just cancelled the trip of my representatives going is Islamabad, Pakistan, to meet with the Iranians. Too much time wasted on traveling, too much work! Besides which, there is tremendous infighting and confusion within their ‘leadership.’ Nobody knows who is in charge, including them.”

“Also, we have all the cards, they have none! If they want to talk, all they have to do is call!!!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Saturday, no doubt spiking oil prices.

Substacker G Elliot Morris, aka Strength In Numbers, a guy who kind of knows his shit about polling even if he may not have the years of experience as a pollster himself quite yet, found this week that 21 percent of convicted felon President Trump’s 2024 voters said the fat bastard should be impeached and removed from office. What a fun and novel quantification of just how avoidable this was if those respondents had just listened to literally any real news source.

Checkmate, assholes

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) April 25, 2026

Florida federal Judge Kathleen Sullivan on Friday told convicted felon President Trump and the IRS that no, she won’t be granting them the extension they want and that they need to explain to her in a hearing whether they’re “sufficiently adverse.” Which prooooobably means she’s not going to allow the federal government to just hand the fat fuck $10 billion in a “settlement” if she can stop it.

“People and Companies that have taken advantage of our Country for decades, because of the horrible and ridiculous United States Supreme Court decision on Tariffs, are now supposed to be given back 159 Billion Dollars. All they had to do was one little half sentence, ‘that the United States does not have to pay back monies that were already paid’ — and our Country would be 159 Billion Dollars richer. That’s more than most Countries are worth! Think of it — Just one half sentence, and we would have saved 159 Billion Dollars. Couldn’t they have done that for our Nation?” posted the credited author of “The Art of The Deal” on Friday, his legendary genius at ripping people off and never paying them coming out after the Supreme Court nuked his tariffs.

Remember when Trump wanted to seize control of the Panama Canal again (fucking Jimmy Carter never should have given it away anyway) because the US built it and now someone else is profiting off of it? Now they’re profiting even more because the AP reports some last minute slots for cargo haulers to transit the canal are going for up to $4 million a piece, all thanks to the Iran War.

“With all the bombings, the missiles, the drones… companies are saying it’s safer and less expensive to cross through the Panama Canal,” said Rodrigo Noriega, a lawyer and analyst in Panama City who the AP did not specify if he’s related at all to the country’s infamous former dictator/drug cartel boss Manuel Noriega. “All of this is affecting global supply chains,” the lawyer added.

You may be surprised to learn that the CNN article headlined “US freezes $344 million in cryptocurrency said to be linked to Iran” does not report that said crypto was being held in accounts on Trump failsons Don Jr and Eric’s scam operation World Liberty Financial but another company called Tether, whose CEO is a Trump crony who has attended multiple White House tech events.

Look what Trump posted 🔥 https://t.co/LmwrvguOki

— Catturd ™ (@catturd2) April 24, 2026

“This morning the Inspector General for the Federal Reserve has been asked to scrutinize the building costs overruns – in the billions of dollars – that have been borne by taxpayers. The IG has the authority to hold the Federal Reserve accountable to American taxpayers. I expect a comprehensive report in short order and am confident the outcome will assist in resolving, once and for all, the questions that led this office to issue subpoenas. Accordingly, I have directed my office to close our investigation as the IG undertakes this inquiry. Note well, however, that I will not hesitate to restart a criminal investigation should the facts warrant doing so,” tweeted a very salty DC US Attorney Jeanine “Judge Box-o-Wine” Pirro on Friday, punting it to the IG.

Ohio MAGA Congressman Max Miller, credibly alleged to have punched former White House Press Secretary Stephanie Miller while the two were coworkers and dating during convicted felon President Trump’s first failed administration, is now under investigation for child abuse after his ex-wife, Emily Moreno, alleged that their two year-old daughter returned from a visit with Miller with a broken collarbone and bruised shoulder, the New York Post reports.

In a tweet that he hasn’t yet bothered to repost in English, Israeli dictator and fugitive war criminal Benjamin Netanyahu on Friday wrote “Today, my annual medical report was published. I requested to delay its publication by two months so that it would not be released at the height of the war, in order not to allow the Iranian terror regime to spread even more false propaganda against Israel.”

l’etat c’est moi, toujours, fucking prick. Eventually “Bibi” cuts to the chase, writing that “Upon examination, it turned out to be a very early stage of a malignant tumor, with no spread or metastases whatsoever. Doctors told me that this is very common among men my age, and that there are two options: 1 – It doesn’t have to be treated; it is possible to remain under monitoring alone. You can live with it, and many do so. 2 – Undergo treatment and remove the problem. You already know me. When I’m given information in time about a potential danger, I want to address it immediately. This is true on the national level and also on the personal level,” with that last part being maybe kind of not true considering scattered reports of ignored warnings prior to October 7th.

Illinois Dem Congresswoman Delia Ramirez tells Axios that she’s been pushing her colleagues to start doing all the work now to “build up the case so that when we are in power in January, we’ve created the conditions… we’ve done the fact-checking, we’ve done the shadow hearings, everything we need to be able to to impeach” the Orange God Emperor immediately and without haste.